Big Girls Don't Cry

Today is one of my sad days.

December 16th has been a repeating date for my life.

December 16th has been a repeating date for my life. Coincidentally, three of my most significant relationships all started on this day.

My plan for today was to stay home to avoid meeting people...but that isn't always possible.

A woman who is a little

  Happy Halloween!! 

Throughout my life, Halloween, Christmas, and my birthday have always been my favorite holidays. In addition to that I love gifts and giving, all of these days have something in common--they are celebrations for children (and those with child-like personalities). 

Being that I have a child-like personality, Halloween is the perfect time to introduce the babygirl lifestyle kink to all my vanilla readers. 

First read this: http://daddys-doll.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-is-ddlg-dynamic.html. It will give you the full background on what the DD/lg or DD/bg dynamic is all about. You need to understand that first before you read what follows. 

I did not write the below article. I added the blogger's link for anyone who enjoys her writing style or is interested in this lifestyle so you can follow her directly. I am re-posting what she wrote because it perfectly sums up how I identify (before I receive any weird comments or emails, no I do not ageplay). A few men have seen my little girl side, although I only trusted one completely. And he carelessly broke me; she (the inner me) hasn't been out since. 


Originally posted on CinnamonAndSparkles:

Think you want a little girl?

So you are a Dom and you come across a sub who catches your interest. You find that she is also a little. You don’t know exactly what that means…But you’re interested, and so you find out.

At first you think it’s really cute. She likes Hello Kitty…teddy bears. No big deal. She likes sparkly things and gets excited about simple pleasures.

She likes to color pictures….says it makes her happy and relieves stress.

OK…

You love that when you are with her, she sees the world with the same excitement that a child has. She never outgrew that wonder. It makes you feel more joyful….You see life in a different way.

But you notice that she often interrupts you when you are talking….not because she means to…. not because she is on the same subject you are and wants to add to the discussion…. but because she saw a deer in the woods and excitedly wants to point it out to you.

Now it’s not so cute, but a bit annoying. She understands. She tries hard to be better, but it’s really hard….because that part of her is not big.

Life goes on and you grow closer… You thought you realized what a big responsibility it is being a Daddy Dom to a little, but you really didn’t.

A Dom has a lot of responsibility to their submissive. Being a Daddy Dom to a little has even more. A little is vulnerable in a way that you can never comprehend fully until you’re one, or with one who loves and trusts you.

You didn’t really want that much responsibility. You find it overwhelming and shut down. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to hurt your little.

But she feels it. A little is a tuned in radar to their Daddy. They know instinctively when something is not right.

At night you play games and then turn away and go to sleep. She hugs her teddy bear tight to not feel so alone and scared.

You look over and see this, and it turns you off even more. You don’t understand this, as you used to find it sweet and endearing. You gave her the bears…. but now you ask her what she gets out of it.

She feels the message in the question. It stings. But she tells you that it’s like when you cuddle a puppy….that’s what she gets out of it.

She sees the glimmer of understanding in your eyes and hopes….it’s so hard to show people who you really are, and face being judged. She gave you everything that she is. Please don’t judge her harshly.

And then the day comes where you have a fight and you tell her that your place is not going to be filled with sparkles and polka dots. Her mind wonders where the polka dots came from? But it hurts. He thinks you’re silly and stupid and have no taste. At least that’s what her heart hears.

Then you call her a child. And not in a good way. She’s angry…. but the anger comes from hurt. She knows that she is childlike….but she thought you knew what an amazing woman and sexual being she is also. But you don’t.

You saw her as amusing. Something that made you feel good, because that is something littles are great at…..But, you wanted easy.

Real life shows up for everybody. Sometimes real life for littles ( ok not sometimes….most of the time ) is scary. When she is scared, she turns to you. She shows you all of her vulnerability….Her fears… Her tears….

You feel even more overwhelmed…. you feel responsible for her well being. In a way you are. But mostly she just needs you to be there. To hold her hand, and make her feel safe.

She has taken care of herself for a long time. She has had to be big…to be strong. But she trusted you enough to let down that shield, and believed you when you said you would always take care of her.

She knows that she is a lot. She knows that she is needy. She tries hard to be less little.

She wonders how all the things that you said you loved about her in the beginning, are the things that cause you to not want to touch her now.

She has always thought she was too much. She always felt different. She has been told that the things she loves are for kids and she should just grow up.

When you call her a child, or tell her that she can’t be a parental figure to your children because she is a little…. it cuts right down to her core.

A little is very sensitive. They don’t have a thick skin, even if they pretend to the world that they do.

She will probably never forget your words.

She will do anything to make you happy. Turn herself inside out.

You cut her off sexually. You don’t touch her. You don’t let her please you.

You leave her alone more and more.

Want to see a little unravel? That’s the formula

Want to keep your little happy? Just love them. If you are ever a Daddy Dom lucky enough to have a little who wants to be yours, hold on and don’t let go.

Don’t just read some blogs and posts on Fet Life and think you’re ready and done. More than anything else, a relationship with a little is just that…. a relationship.

It takes work. Hard work and lots of it.

Like any relationship. So let me say that again. Hard work and lots of it.

The rewards are great.

But it’s not going to be a kinky romance novel every day of the week….. In fact, most of the time it won’t be. We live in the real world after all.

But those times that it is….

• This is a composition of relationships, not just one. It’s food for thought for any Dom looking at a relationship with a little.

** I write as little/sub/female dealing with a male Daddy Dom as that is my personal perspective. These could and would also apply to other sexes and dynamics

Sex with exes

Having sex with the ex sounds like a bad idea. But, is it always? That depends. Are you still emotionally attached? If yes and the sex comes before agreeing to get back together, then it is a horrible idea. Emotions deepen with sex and you don't want to set yourself up for another heartbreak. If both of you have moved on and are healthy, just horny, this might be ok as long as boundaries are discussed in advance and respected. An advantage to this is that both of you already know each other's bodies and how to satisfy.

My most recent ex was an ex from years earlier. No, we didn't have a random hookup that resulted in a renewed relationship. We actually talked about getting back together for over a year before we consummated our second go 'round. I bet if any of my other ex's are reading this, they might be wondering whether I'd have sex with them again under the right circumstances. For the most part, NO! Exes are exes for a reason and I don't want to rekindle our romances.

There are two exes, however, whom were impressive enough in bed that I have thought about whether a sex-only encounter might be reasonable. Of course, these relationships were also the most unhealthy I've ever had so the clear answer is no. In fact, in both cases I moved out of the state to get away from them! The first man was crazy beyond my tolerance level...but a 15 on a 1-10 sexual rating scale--thoroughly destroying the bar for everyone else. If it wasn't for his level of crazy, I would've married him in a heartbeat. For many reasons, I don't intend to ever speak with him again. The second guy was a 9 on the 1-10 scale and had a unique sex move I've never experienced with anyone else. For that reason alone, I've considered it. He knows how to compartmentalize sex and can't be monogamous, so he could be a possibility. On my end it would be just sex too. Thankfully we' don't live in the same state so there is little temptation.

There is a third guy....although he can't be labeled as an ex because our relationship wasn't committed, it was casual. We lived in different states. He came into my life at a time when I was too messed up to date but needed sex, and he was very skilled in bed (10/10). Yep, I'd do him again.

(Does posting about sex make it clear that this is the horny time of my cycle? lol)

My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

Will the stripper date or fuck me?

Men enjoy the fantasy that they can score or date the beautiful woman they are handing money to. Knowing this, strippers usually say or do whatever it takes to get the maximum amount from you. When it comes down to it, do you care if she really likes you? Would you still enjoy yourself if you knew you didn't have a chance? Most men want to be lied to.

The stripper you are interested in falls into one of these categories:

1) Already married or has boyfriend = you have no chance
2) Already married or has boyfriend = may play with hot guys/girls or for money/drugs
3) Single = thinks guys they meet in the club are "losers" and would never date a customer
4) Single = may play with hot guys/girls or for money/drugs
5) Single = actually a normal girl who happens to strip, you may have a chance
6) Lesbian

How to interpret your odds for each stripper category:

#1 / #3 - Just enjoy yourself in the club. It won't go any further.
#2 / #4 - If you are hot enough, have enough money and/or party supplies, this girl is a strong "maybe."
#5 - She may take you seriously if she genuinely likes you. Don't screw it up.
#6 - Are you a woman? If not, treat like categories 1 and 3.

I fit into category #5. How could the observant man tell? In the club, I was never a hit-and-run dancer. Time permitting, it was important to talk and establish chemistry before dancing. This was just as much for the client's benefit as for my own; each of us would enjoy our mini-relationship more (similar to single-serving friends from "Fight Club", except more intimate). The majority of the men I ended up dating I first met this way.

Men asked me out daily; only rarely did I give out my contact info. If I did and then the guy turned around and spent money on other strippers, he blew his chance with me. Only an asshole would do this. It is the same as meeting a girl at a party, flirting to get her number, and once you succeed moving on to her friends. Not cool.

I've never been the type to play "stripper games" or lie to make additional money. At the same time, a man who thought he could spend time with me and eventually date me without dropping a lot of money would never have a chance. The money itself wasn't the reason--respect was. Any man who comes into a woman's workplace, takes up her time, and has her lose money for the privilege doesn't respect her and is not a quality man.

Here's another article: http://www.wikihow.com/Date-a-Stripper. While I don't agree with all of it, it is worth reading.

So, will the stripper you like date or fuck you? I don't know. But you should now be able to tell if you can correctly categorize her from above and have what it takes. Strip clubs are for entertainment--not matchmaking--so if it doesn't lead any further don't feel cheated. It is what it is....

No Valentine?

I just received an email reminding me that today is Valentine's Day.

If you don't have someone to share it with, it should be just like every other day. But--thanks to Hallmark--it isn't.

Valentine's Day is a day which everyone knows is set aside to celebrate romance and to renew your commitment. Since relationships vary in their level of romance, knowing that you can look forward to February 14 for even more is important. Many men underestimate how much women judge their actions on this day.

 Now, I'll put this day back in perspective.... If you are single, don't take Valentine's Day as a day to wallow in your own self-pity. You don't need a partner to complete you. You must already be complete before you will attract the right partner. Of course, you could just find someone...but anyone who wants to be with you while you are "wounded" is not someone you should want to be with.

If this day is painful because it reminds you of a failed relationship, then that pain is a helpful sign that you are not ready to date yet. Instead of crying over your loss, use that energy to do something positive. Learn a new skill, spoil yourself with a gym membership/personal trainer, or contribute toward making another person's day better. Same with any other holidays which no longer apply to you. Take any negative single energy and create loving happiness for yourself and others with no-relationship required! .

I want WORTH IT!

Not long ago, I started talking with a gentleman who was closer to the My Ideal Partner list than I've met in many years. We discussed the possibility of dating, even though we live very far from each other.

I was actually excited... but my honesty scared him.


Friends say "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" and that I invested emotion too early. People often miss out on what they want most in life is because they are too skeptical to believe it can be real. But sometimes opportunities present themselves & miracles do happen.

I thought he was my unicorn, so I wasn't going to passively wait. I told him how I felt.

Maybe my parents screwed me up by teaching me to be honest with people and expecting the same in return. They certainly didn't prepare me for a world where deception is the norm. I am secretive when I first get to know someone but, once I accept someone into my circle, I am very open about who I am, how I view others, and what I want in life. It might be naive of me to require such honesty from friends and lovers--but it isn't worth keeping people in my life who are not.

 After watching this video, I suspect finding someone who will be "honest with me always" and who is "trustworthy" might be close to impossible. However, I need that in order to be happy with someone and fall in love.

I'm not crazy; I just know what I want. Test taken today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||||| 94% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 55% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 75% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 58% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Conflict seeking || 8% Need to dominate |||||| 25% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 58% Wealth |||||||||||| 41% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 58% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 77% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 66% PeterPan complex || 8% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 75% Artistic 0% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 72% Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Indie |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

The frustration of dating

Many years ago, a man I was seeing told me that he (or any other man) would marry me based upon sexual skill alone. While that was probably meant as a compliment, it made me a little sad. I am an awesome catch yet often men focus on my physical potential.

For precisely this reason, I won't have sex with someone new early on to prevent being used for sex or getting prematurely emotionally attached. After becoming friends with a potential, the Dealbreakers from the My Ideal Partner list or not being made a priority is what disqualifies. Even when I find a man who is close to my list, he usually loses my interest by not expressing enough interest himself. I am not needy nor clingy, and I don't want that from a man. At the same time, I do want to be thought about, appreciated, and shown.

Once upon a time, men knew how to court women; now so few understand what that means. I fully blame the gender-equality problem I've talked about before. This is why, after several months of being ready to date, I am still single. I won't settle; I've done that and it wasn't worth it. I need to be swept off my feet.

Geography doesn't factor in. Money and flight schedules solve distance. I once casually joked that I wouldn't date someone because he lived where it snows but--in all reality--if the mutual chemistry were strong enough, that wouldn't have been a deterrent. So, what stops me from dating someone who lives far away? Nothing. The world is huge.

On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

Why I dropped out of college

I had norovirus all last week and, since I had so much down time, I pulled up Season 1 of Ally McBeal on NetFlix. When it was on TV over a decade ago, it was my favorite show. Watching it again has gotten me to think quite a bit. It is strange how years can go by before you realize what actually happened in your life.

When I met my ex (I'll call him Mr. Racer for this article), I was a college senior, serious about school, and had many more years of education planned. I also had a great job. After I started dating Mr. Racer, I pretty much stopped going to school completely and focused on adultwork. It hadn't occurred to me until now how much he played a role in that.

My last semester at University was a few months after Mr. Racer moved in. He did not like me being at school. He said the amount of stress that I experienced during school and with deadlines was too much for him. He encouraged me to ask for a raise at my marketing job and helped me with Adult business. He is the one who invented Trixie Racer and eventually suggested we move to Las Vegas so I could strip full-time. Since he couldn't qualify to purchase a condo there, I bought one in my name. We broke up at the end of 2005--and I was stuck having paid top dollar for a condo in a collapsing city.

We didn't talk for 4 years. During that time, I went back to school, took computer classes, and received certifications for A+, Network+, and Security+. After Mr. Racer and I started living together again, I told him it was important for me to keep my certifications current, but he would not allow me study time. He also knew that I wanted to go back to school as soon as I was legally considered a resident of the state we were in for tuition purposes. The first semester I would have qualified for was this semester: Spring 2014.

I'm not sure if it was because of my love for him, or not wanting to believe that our relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't occur to me until recently that Mr. Racer basically sabotaged my education. Obviously I must take responsibility in this too--since I allowed him. Even though I am a strong woman, I have a submissive side which naively trusted that his intentions were pure. From this sad realization, I also know now--without a doubt--that Mr. Racer never actually loved me. Love is encouraging and helping the person you love to succeed and achieve to be the very best they can, even if it means that their improved self won't want you in his/her life anymore. Love is totally selfless. He didn't do that at all. He discouraged me from growing into who I naturally am and molded me into what he wanted me to be.

I won't say that I never enjoyed stripping. Some times it was really fun and I met a lot of great people. At the same time, doing that for work never gave me the same satisfaction as college or my marketing job. I love to learn and use my brain. By working in Vegas strip clubs, I basically had the same, simple, monotonous conversations with drunk men every night. I was no longer valued for my brain; only for my body and my ability to move it. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had dated somebody who had supported my going to school. :(   

In the near future, I will be re-entering college. This time around I know that if anyone tries to stop me it will be for their own selfish reasons--and not in my best interest. That applies to all forms of improvement. When someone doesn't support you improving, it means they prefer you to be stagnant or regress; either way, it's a sure red flag and you should run.

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

After much reflection, I understand the common theme behind why my relationships haven't succeeded. Despite having worked as a stripper, I'm primarily a Good Girl. This is a significant contradiction which most people cannot fathom.

Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.

The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.

How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.

My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh*  It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.

Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?

Unhappy birthday

My birthday wasn't pleasant. In fact, it was pretty sad because the reality of my failed relationship finally left the shock phase and entered the grieving stage. While around others, I put on a "happy face"...but whenever I was alone, I cried.

A Man is Only As Good As His Word

 "I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." -- Pietro Aretino  

When you are dishonest about who you are, what you think, and your behaviors, you trick people into believing you are someone you are not. Maybe they would've accepted you for you, or maybe not...but, by lying, you took away their choice. The frequency and severity of your lies directly correlates to the amount of trauma people experience when your lies are discovered. You stole invested time while hurting another human's self-esteem and ability to trust.

It is far more rewarding to have 3 friends who know and love the true you than 3000 who love a fake fabricated shell. The latter isn't real and will eventually crumble. If you lie out of fear, your lies will eventually cause the rejection or loss you are trying to avoid--and maybe even worse.




A man is only as good as his word

When I make the choice to let someone new into my inner world, I let that person in completely. This is unusual and some people don't believe it. Afterall, if I exposed THAT, what must I really be hiding? I am shocked by this pessimistic view of the world. Yes I put myself at higher risk of getting hurt by unscrupulous people but, at the same time, I open myself up to real connection that otherwise wouldn't be possible.

The dos and don'ts of internet dating

When people decide to use the internet to find a potential partner, many don't know what to do. It's easier than you might think! Here is your short guide: 1) Have a detailed profile. One of the biggest mistakes men often make is not writing enough. There are a disproportionate amount of men on dating sites, so most women get bombarded with attention. Unless your profile says something to stand out and spark interest, most women won't waste their time responding. Also, have a positive tone to your profile; negative comments are a turn off. Writing a quality profile is an investment. 2) The goal is to meet in person, so upload at least one photo. This should go without saying, but sadly many people mess this up so I'll spell it out: THE PHOTO SHOULD BE OF YOU, representative of what you currently look like, and recent!! If someone chooses to meet you after seeing your pics, then your looks are good enough. :)   Using a non-accurate photo says you are dishonest, and most likely will cause your date to be dissapointed in your appearance. In the comment fields it is always good to list the month and year that each picture was taken. 3) Be honest. No matter who you are and what you're looking for, there is someone for everyone. Being honest is essential to finding the most compatible person for you. 4) Smile in your pictures. This is the #1 thing I look for. When a man doesn't smile in his photos, he doesn't seem like a happy person or fun to spend time with. Taking happy photos will bring you better luck. ** Six months ago I took pictures of a friend of mine for his online dating profile. Before that, he never smiled for photos which made him look grumpy/older in his pics. Needless to say, he got little response. A geeky smile--or any kind of unnatural smile--is always more inviting than a non-smile. :)  The way I took new smile pictures was to have my camera ready and I snapped photos whenever he laughed. It took a weekend to get a few good ones, but afterward he had much better dating luck and now has a girlfriend! 5) If you initiate contact with someone, write at least a couple paragraphs. I know, some people are rude and don't reply. However, you are looking for a new PARTNER here, so spend at least a couple minutes to show you're interested. Bring up something specific from their profile that makes you think the two of you will be compatible. Rule of thumb: your message should always be a minimum of 300 characters. Realistically, double the length of a text message or tweet. Sending anything shorter screams "You are not worthy of my time." 6) Reply to all messages that you receive. This one is sometimes tough, especially if you get a lot of messages. However, even a "Thank you for your message, but I am not interested" goes a long way. 7) For the men, always be a gentlemen! It seems few actually know what this means anymore (very sad). Here's a link to remind/teach you: http://www.askmen.com/money/successful/41b_success.html Good luck! Everyone deserves to find that special someone who makes them happy.  :)

Celebrate your freedom

      Today in the United States; we celebrate our nation's independence. Why not take a moment to celebrate your independence as well? Whether you've found freedom from an addiction or from codependency, or you've discovered the freedom to live your life as fully as possible, take a moment to honor and acknowledge how much that freedom means to you. It's good to identify our problems. Through the awareness of what's wrong and what's broken, we learn what to repair and fix. It's good to focus on the health and the goodness in our lives, too. Becoming aware of what's right and what's working is how we discover joy. Look back along the winding road of the path of your life. See how far you've come? It looks good to me. How does it look to you? Hurray! We're finally free! God, thank You for setting me free.
(Taken from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie)

Today isn't just a National holiday; for me, it is also a personal holiday. Three years ago I left an unhealthy relationship. At the time he didn't realize the significance of my leaving on Independence Day--but I did. The month after leaving him I got sober and have been ever since. I "fixed" my life and unchained myself from addiction to drugs, alcohol, and sex. I am happily free.

Happy Independence Day!

The Men I've Loved

This year I am in a relationship...so, rather than writing an annual revamp of the "My Ideal Partner" list, I am sharing the diversity of men who previously captured my heart.




The Pool Boy - We had chemistry from the very first time we saw each other. I called you "Michelangelo's David" because you are physically perfect--just like the statue. Seriously, you are one of the most attractive men I've ever seen (and I've met Pierce Brosnan)! You called me "Ruby Tuesday." My wild side scared you and your irresponsibility scared me. We no longer talk.

The Millionaire - Our romance was straight out of a stripper fairytale. Flights, limos, day spas, 5-star hotels, lots of sex, intense partying. Sadly you died young; I've never gotten over that.

The Best Friend - Dating my best friend was ideal. Nobody else ever made me so happy. You loved me, cared for me, helped me grow, and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I did the same for you. You knew me better than anyone. We were healthy. A series of unfortunate events lead to our break-up.

The Stalker - You started by being my friend. When things weren't progressing fast enough, you tricked me into believing I was being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. I am ashamed to admit that I fell for it and ran straight to your arms for safety and comfort. Funny thing is, had you not done that, I would've been dating you within a few months anyway because I truly liked you. You were brilliant, funny, and awesome in bed. Once I discovered that it was actually you (and not the ex) who was terrorizing me, we were through.

The Biker - Ahhh, the man responsible for setting my libido for life! Most people find you too scary and wild, but that's not who you were with me. I ground you. You are still the same man--but I grew out of the "bad boy" phase. We've remained friends.

The Vampire - This is a weird one: I had a dream about you when I was twelve! Since I believe everything happens for a reason, when I saw you in real life I pursued you. It was important for me to understand why you were in my dream so many years earlier. You got lucky. If it wasn't for that dream, you would've been a couple night stand at best.

The Porno King - You've always treated me like a princess, even to this day. I have so much respect for you. In a different time we could've been an unstoppable couple. However, we had the time we had. It's amazing how similar we were. Thank you for our continued friendship and sharing yourself with me.


Like a typical Sagittarius, my life has been a collection of experiences. Love and lovers are no exception...and I've learned from them all.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Another blogger I follow recently publicly shared a story about how her grandparents started dating. Here is an small excerpt:

He said she was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen, but everyone told him not to waste his time. In turn, she didn't give him the time of day ... until one day.

My granddaddy was driving the mule truck when she crossed the street in front of him. Instead of stopping for her, he hit the gas and stopped mere inches from hitting her.

That's when she spoke to him for the first time, although what she said wasn't very ladylike. But he just grinned.

When she asked what he thought was so damn funny, he just smiled some more and said, "I got you to talk to me."

Behaviors, like the grandfather's above, need to be acknowledged for what they are: unhealthy. Unfortunately, some people don't see the harm and sometimes even find it cute. That boggles my mind.

I posted a simple comment saying it is sad that some people get attracted by being treated poorly--and how that is psychotic. The blog owner was offended and deleted my comment.

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The phrase "Nice Guys Finish Last" exists because with tons of women it is true. They ignore the nice man who treats them with respect, instead falling for a jerk or "asshole" guy who doesn't treat them well (usually from the get-go). This happens so often that I've witnessed men who started off as nice guys become assholes because they were tired of losing out...and, sadly, they get more women. In the case above, the grandfather couldn't get the woman's attention until he put her safety at risk.

Assholes bait women with excitement, shock, fear, and/or drama. A common technique is to dish out back-handed compliments as part of the courting ritual. More women appear turned-on by these behaviors than turned-off. When it takes negative behaviors to snare a mate, additional negative behaviors are likely to escalate over time.

The more dysfunction you live with, the more normal it seems. Unconsciously people seek it out, getting into one unhealthy relationship after another. This also explains why women stay with bad men; toxicity is addictive and often interpreted as a "spark" or "chemistry". It is difficult to understand any other kind of life.

Several years ago I underwent training and certification for domestic violence and sexual assault counseling. Abuse comes in many forms. Physical abuse is the easiest to spot, but mental, emotional, sexual, and financial can be just as harmful. When someone is mean and/or violent towards you and you remain part of that person's life, you reward and reinforce their negative behavior. And...your self-esteem suffers.

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During my life, I've had healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. In hindsight, the unhealthy ones could've been spotted from the very beginning--and should've been. People need to respect each other, themselves included. After lots of therapy and self-reflection, I recognized that I was drawn to the excitement of drama and was able to break that cycle. Now, I would never consider dating an "asshole". Nice guys only. :)

Nice guys usually remain nice guys for many years before converting into assholes. Which is better? Depends on who you want to date and what her values are. Women who are attracted to the "Bad boy" or asshole type, usually take years of abuse before breaking their cycle. So, if you want to date young women, being an asshole is often more effective. *sigh*     Supply and demand: the older a woman gets, the fewer nice guys are out there. So, for women 30+, being a nice guy totally pays off and women will appreciate you.

To my Valentine...

Happy Valentine's Day!!
Thank you for making today the happiest Valentine's Day that I've had in almost a decade.

I am officially no longer single.

It's as if I wrote the "My Ideal Partner" list to describe him. Maybe I did...
We have known each other for a long time. He is a good man, open-minded, kind, non-jealous, loves me for me, and helps me grow. This means, I am retired. If I go back to the adult business in the future, it will only be with his encouragement and blessing. This is real, I am in love, and happy.