Love, lies, respect

What is love? For most of my life I believed that it was feelings for another person. I had many relationships like this. It was mutually beneficial, caring, deep, and real; best friends. But the chemical version of love is much different. You don't need to know the other person at all. My last relationship was the chemical version. In all reality, I know much more about my ex from other people than he ever told me himself. Yet I loved him. How could I love someone I did not really know? Because chemical love isn't for another person but the feelings and emotions that person stirs within yourself. He awoke passion within me, and for that I would have accepted him for whomever he is. The only thing I cannot accept is lies. Does it seem silly to give up so much over so little?

 When someone lies it is because they do not respect you enough to be honest and they think you are too stupid to know the difference. It is the ultimate disrespect. For this reason, it is one of the few behaviors that I will not tolerate. I need an honest reality and to feel respected.

   I have never been one of those women who jumps from relationship to relationship. I am happy being with myself and have never felt the need to have a man to complete me. That doesn't change the fact that I have been lonely. Yet, I choose to stay single until I find someone who is worthy of my energy. 

Valentine's Day and My Ideal Partner 2016

 

   I saw the above image elsewhere on the internet,. It was surprising to me how most women chose (including saying it would take $15 to make their man). My priorities are different. If limited to $5 to choose, I would pick smart ($1), great in bed ($2), and honest ($2). Yes honesty is not listed but it is essential so I allocated funds.

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   A recent experience renewed my interest in dating. So, I tweaked my lists using the Musts, Would-Be-Nices, and Dealbreakers format. I like organizing it this way because it makes it easy to evaluate someone new and see where that person fits. 

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds my beauty maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

 It seems that many people misinterpret my lists. The Would-Be-Nice group includes enhancements I would enjoy, yet are not necessary to be my match. However, if a single item from the Non-negotiable Musts is missing, the man is not for me. And, if any of the Dealbreakers are present, the man is not for me. The MUSTS and DEALBREAKERS categories define concrete boundaries. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent. If my pickiness cause me to stay single forever, I would rather that then ending up with the wrong man.

And this is who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, grateful, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, likes books, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart, lacks tolerance for dishonesty, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

For those wanting to see how I (and my desires) have morphed through the years, click the My ideal partner link here or immediately under this post.



Oh, and before I forget -- Happy Valentine's Day!

Telling someone that you like him or her romantically

I live by the motto "minimize regret" so I would much rather face potential embarrassment or humiliation than forever wonder "what if?". Life is too short to not pursue that which excites you. If it is a job, do it! Somewhere you want to visit, go! And if it is a potential partner, you must find out if you are meant to be. The worst thing that can happen is for you to keep your love interest a secret and then that person gets engaged. THAT is the wrong time to tell of your interest--you already lost your chance.

Telling someone new that you like him or her can be terrifying. Saying it in email is easier because the words can be perfected before pressing "send." However, by putting it in writing, it is pretty impossible to take back. But, why would you want to? Even if the person isn't interested in you back, don't they deserve the ego boost of knowing someone was interested? After all, you like that person, wouldn't you want to create good feelings?

If you are true friends instead of virtual strangers, casual acquaintances, or hookup buddies, then it becomes much more awkward. Sometimes expressing interest in someone ruins your friendship. I have only once lost a friendship with a man for expressing my interest (he could have just said no, lol), but I have cut off a few friendships after the man expressed his. It wasn't because he liked me, it was because his liking me was interfering with our friendship.


Need help? This video is excellent:

No Valentine?

I just received an email reminding me that today is Valentine's Day.

If you don't have someone to share it with, it should be just like every other day. But--thanks to Hallmark--it isn't.

Valentine's Day is a day which everyone knows is set aside to celebrate romance and to renew your commitment. Since relationships vary in their level of romance, knowing that you can look forward to February 14 for even more is important. Many men underestimate how much women judge their actions on this day.

 Now, I'll put this day back in perspective.... If you are single, don't take Valentine's Day as a day to wallow in your own self-pity. You don't need a partner to complete you. You must already be complete before you will attract the right partner. Of course, you could just find someone...but anyone who wants to be with you while you are "wounded" is not someone you should want to be with.

If this day is painful because it reminds you of a failed relationship, then that pain is a helpful sign that you are not ready to date yet. Instead of crying over your loss, use that energy to do something positive. Learn a new skill, spoil yourself with a gym membership/personal trainer, or contribute toward making another person's day better. Same with any other holidays which no longer apply to you. Take any negative single energy and create loving happiness for yourself and others with no-relationship required! .

My Ideal Partner 2013

How did I get so far into the year without doing this? Of course I know: I was focused on my relationship. Now that I am single again and reviewed my 2011 list, I see that it was spot on.

What happened? While we got along well, deal breakers are still deal breakers.

 
This last relationship was like a marriage, and it's going to take me time to recover from such a massive blow. I'm not one of those women who jumps from one relationship to the next. Realistically, I won't be ready to date for awhile because I need time to be myself as an individual again instead of being half of a partnership. All that said, here are my lists:

My ideal partner has these qualities: Genius intelligence, family values, is my best friend, gentleman, knows and likes the true me, shares hopes and dreams, funny, ex-pat mentality, treats me as an equal, ethical, loves himself, honest even when it hurts to be, has faith in me, thinks outside-the-box, makes me laugh, computer geek, generous, we talk about everything, successful, speaks more than one language, always considerate of my feelings, zest for life, athletic, non-smoker, gives me space, worldly, open-minded, loves unconditionally, good in bed, father figure, supports me mentally/physically/financially/emotionally, spiritual, articulate, romantic, sense of humor, motivated, sincere, trustworthy, helps me better myself, spontaneous, likes cats & dogs, builds and repairs things, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, confident, smart in ways I'm not, listens to me, includes me, takes chances, respectful, puts me in my place, likes to learn, teaches me, high sex drive, reliable, enjoys traveling, cuddles, fair, responsible, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, protects me, helps me achieve my goals.

Deal breakers: Lies, disrespectful, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, violent, alcoholism, drug addiction, passive-aggressive

I admit that I'm not the easiest woman to deal with and it's tough to get me to commit. At the same time, my partner always knows where we stand without having to guess and I only ask questions that I truly want the answers for. I am honest, forgiving, understanding, loyal, and as straightforward as they come.

I expect the same in return -- even from friends.

  

Who I am: Playful, liberal yet conservative, thinks outside-the-box, independent, highly sexual, no regrets, ex-pat, generous, not afraid to say “no”, spiritual, zest for life, follows my heart, fit, non-smoker, self-respecting, loves unconditionally, open-minded, comfortable talking about anything, shares, lifetime student, enjoys helping others, loves traveling, compassionate, realist, romantic, good in bed, honest even when it hurts to be, sober, pretty, non-jealous, girly, computer geek, pro-gun, genuine, believes everything happens for a reason, old soul, grounded, vain, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, loyal friend, motivated, smiles and laughs easily, intelligent, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, trustworthy, dog lover, cat owner, fair, anti-GMO, logical, reliable, one-of-a-kind, thoughtful, respectful, teacher, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, turns dreams into reality, values privacy, mothering, frugal, bisexual, A.D.D./O.C.D., bakes goodies, confident, spontaneous, lovable.

Caution: high maintenance, clumsy, mildly bipolar, polyamorous, allergic to drama


A few years ago, a friend introduced me to this song because he said that I fit the profile of a Wayseer. I agree.

Don't forget these moms on Mothers Day

Mothers Day comes only once per year. Even if you rarely communicate with your mom, you should go out of your way to make her feel special today. And, after you have, other "forgotten" moms deserve recognition too:

(1) Single dads. Yes, they are both the mother and the father of the children they raise.

(2) Widowers who lost the mother of their children, and children/adults who've lost their mother. Share a happy memory you have of her with the survivors and offer a hug.

(3) Any woman whose child passed away (either as a child or as an adult) especially needs to be acknowledged. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten giving birth nor her parenting memories. A lot of people are afraid that saying something may make her depressed. In reality, not saying anything will cause the greatest saddest and make her feel as if nobody remembers.

Make more than just your mom feel loved today. Happy Mother's Day!

Sex on the side

Just because someone is married, does that mean he or she should never have sex with anyone else again? Many would say yes, but I disagree. Marriage should be a beautiful symbiotic arrangement--not a prison sentence.



Men with young kids at home should strive to be the best dad possible by staying married and always keeping peace at home. Families require stability. Unless their wives are extremely open-minded, this means they are limited to a lifetime of monogamy or secret affairs.

For a married man to have a successful secret affair:
(1) He needs to have a job with varying hours. This allows plenty of time for a mistress without arousing suspicion.

(2) His mistress has to understand that he's married and be quiet when his wife calls. A husband not answering calls or refusing to talk is just plain dumb.

(3) He needs to only have safe sex or make sure that he and anyone he's having sex with has been tested for STDs.

(4) Never bring the mistress back to the family home. A wife would consider this the ultimate betrayal.

(5) Make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. No drama--only fantasies, romance, and fun. The wife is the one he lives his daily life with. His mistress is his "secret get-a-way from reality" and he should spoil her generously.

(6) Hiring a professional call girl is the safest route. Wives often desire revenge against husbands who have other "relationships" on the side. Whereas, should he ever get caught, the wife is much more likely to forgive him for hiring a hooker.

Sometimes having extramarital affairs can enrich your marriage. Seriously. They remind you why you love your partner so much, and, by experiencing another, you can show that renewed sense of love when you get back home. The key here is to do it without risking your current relationship and lifestyle. This can be tricky.

Personally, I am polyamorous and am honest when I feel the need to go elsewhere. I also understand if a partner feels the need for variety. Nobody owns me and I don't own anyone else. Sadly, few people are able to be that honest within their marriages without their partner freaking out. :(

Looks like I may be moving -- AGAIN!

Arranging movers this week to come give estimates to move me away from Atlanta. Things didn't work out with the boyfriend here. Back to single life.