My Ideal Partner 2020

At the beginning of this year, the pastor at my church said to look at 2020 with mindful observant eyes and have 20-20 vision in all aspects of our lives. I took that to heart and have been working on myself and my life since then.  I reevaluated what is important and am keeping that which adds to my life and am discarding everything that does not, I am studying new occupational skills, I tend to my garden, and I have eliminated friends whose actions and/or lack thereof have shown they are not really friends. I have healed my body and mind. Maybe now with my new set of eyes, 2020 will be the year that I find my partner.

In 2015, I came up with an excellent pro/con list. It still applies:

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

The two most intense relationships of my life started off perfect. Whirlwind romances! Yet, with time, many items from the dealbreaker list surfaced. It is as if they pretended as long as they could and then their mask dropped. I can not allow any of these dealbreakers to occur. No excuses, no exceptions. Each one must be a concrete relationship ender. I am worthy.

Valentine's Day and My Ideal Partner 2016

 

   I saw the above image elsewhere on the internet,. It was surprising to me how most women chose (including saying it would take $15 to make their man). My priorities are different. If limited to $5 to choose, I would pick smart ($1), great in bed ($2), and honest ($2). Yes honesty is not listed but it is essential so I allocated funds.

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   A recent experience renewed my interest in dating. So, I tweaked my lists using the Musts, Would-Be-Nices, and Dealbreakers format. I like organizing it this way because it makes it easy to evaluate someone new and see where that person fits. 

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds my beauty maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

 It seems that many people misinterpret my lists. The Would-Be-Nice group includes enhancements I would enjoy, yet are not necessary to be my match. However, if a single item from the Non-negotiable Musts is missing, the man is not for me. And, if any of the Dealbreakers are present, the man is not for me. The MUSTS and DEALBREAKERS categories define concrete boundaries. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent. If my pickiness cause me to stay single forever, I would rather that then ending up with the wrong man.

And this is who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, grateful, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, likes books, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart, lacks tolerance for dishonesty, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

For those wanting to see how I (and my desires) have morphed through the years, click the My ideal partner link here or immediately under this post.



Oh, and before I forget -- Happy Valentine's Day!

My Ideal Partner 2015

As part of re-entering the dating world, I've revised my lists.

 
Who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart.

Caution: Requires complete honesty, easily falls off diet, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

My ideal man will love himself, love me, and any children we bring into our relationship. He eats the same (or will learn how), communicates his needs/happiness, and explains any dissatisfaction so we are on the same page and can make adjustments as needed. Healthy marriages have a passionate sex life; this is important to me, too. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent.

He needs to understand that the spark eventually fades--yet, with that knowledge, will commit to a lifetime of loving each other. Love is a verb. When it's a verb, you don't "fall out of love." If you don't love anymore, it’s because you chose to break your promise and stop loving.

Since I believe we can manifest what we want in life, this describes him:

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Honest, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds vanity maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, compatible parenting views (actively parent according to the Positive Discipline model while remaining mindful that all of our actions teach a growing child how to behave).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama.

The frustration of dating

Many years ago, a man I was seeing told me that he (or any other man) would marry me based upon sexual skill alone. While that was probably meant as a compliment, it made me a little sad. I am an awesome catch yet often men focus on my physical potential.

For precisely this reason, I won't have sex with someone new early on to prevent being used for sex or getting prematurely emotionally attached. After becoming friends with a potential, the Dealbreakers from the My Ideal Partner list or not being made a priority is what disqualifies. Even when I find a man who is close to my list, he usually loses my interest by not expressing enough interest himself. I am not needy nor clingy, and I don't want that from a man. At the same time, I do want to be thought about, appreciated, and shown.

Once upon a time, men knew how to court women; now so few understand what that means. I fully blame the gender-equality problem I've talked about before. This is why, after several months of being ready to date, I am still single. I won't settle; I've done that and it wasn't worth it. I need to be swept off my feet.

Geography doesn't factor in. Money and flight schedules solve distance. I once casually joked that I wouldn't date someone because he lived where it snows but--in all reality--if the mutual chemistry were strong enough, that wouldn't have been a deterrent. So, what stops me from dating someone who lives far away? Nothing. The world is huge.

My Ideal Partner 2014

   Without referring back to the most recent version, I re-wrote my My Ideal Partner list from scratch, changing the format a little.

MUSTS: genius intelligence, honest with me always, motivated, family values, good in bed, generous, knows and likes the true me, gentleman, encourages and helps me to better myself, loyal, compassionate, spiritual, affectionate, emotional/physical/financial support, healthy eater, trustworthy, apologizes, ethical, has patience, shows that he values our time together, prepared to commit

WOULD BE NICE: athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, world traveler, computer geek, likes dogs and cats, similar political beliefs, ex-pat mentality, father figure, teaches me, always "into me", wants an immediate family

DEAL BREAKERS: passive-aggressive, alcoholic, drug addict, liar, thief, disrespectful, physically or verbally abusive, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, Capricorn (male), never takes responsibility, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, smokes cigarettes

This narrowed shortlist of which qualities matter most will make it much easier to quickly see if someone is in my "Maybe" category. Friends first before anything romantic develops.

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

After much reflection, I understand the common theme behind why my relationships haven't succeeded. Despite having worked as a stripper, I'm primarily a Good Girl. This is a significant contradiction which most people cannot fathom.

Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.

The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.

How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.

My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh*  It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.

Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?

My Ideal Partner 2013

How did I get so far into the year without doing this? Of course I know: I was focused on my relationship. Now that I am single again and reviewed my 2011 list, I see that it was spot on.

What happened? While we got along well, deal breakers are still deal breakers.

 
This last relationship was like a marriage, and it's going to take me time to recover from such a massive blow. I'm not one of those women who jumps from one relationship to the next. Realistically, I won't be ready to date for awhile because I need time to be myself as an individual again instead of being half of a partnership. All that said, here are my lists:

My ideal partner has these qualities: Genius intelligence, family values, is my best friend, gentleman, knows and likes the true me, shares hopes and dreams, funny, ex-pat mentality, treats me as an equal, ethical, loves himself, honest even when it hurts to be, has faith in me, thinks outside-the-box, makes me laugh, computer geek, generous, we talk about everything, successful, speaks more than one language, always considerate of my feelings, zest for life, athletic, non-smoker, gives me space, worldly, open-minded, loves unconditionally, good in bed, father figure, supports me mentally/physically/financially/emotionally, spiritual, articulate, romantic, sense of humor, motivated, sincere, trustworthy, helps me better myself, spontaneous, likes cats & dogs, builds and repairs things, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, confident, smart in ways I'm not, listens to me, includes me, takes chances, respectful, puts me in my place, likes to learn, teaches me, high sex drive, reliable, enjoys traveling, cuddles, fair, responsible, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, protects me, helps me achieve my goals.

Deal breakers: Lies, disrespectful, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, violent, alcoholism, drug addiction, passive-aggressive

I admit that I'm not the easiest woman to deal with and it's tough to get me to commit. At the same time, my partner always knows where we stand without having to guess and I only ask questions that I truly want the answers for. I am honest, forgiving, understanding, loyal, and as straightforward as they come.

I expect the same in return -- even from friends.

  

Who I am: Playful, liberal yet conservative, thinks outside-the-box, independent, highly sexual, no regrets, ex-pat, generous, not afraid to say “no”, spiritual, zest for life, follows my heart, fit, non-smoker, self-respecting, loves unconditionally, open-minded, comfortable talking about anything, shares, lifetime student, enjoys helping others, loves traveling, compassionate, realist, romantic, good in bed, honest even when it hurts to be, sober, pretty, non-jealous, girly, computer geek, pro-gun, genuine, believes everything happens for a reason, old soul, grounded, vain, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, loyal friend, motivated, smiles and laughs easily, intelligent, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, trustworthy, dog lover, cat owner, fair, anti-GMO, logical, reliable, one-of-a-kind, thoughtful, respectful, teacher, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, turns dreams into reality, values privacy, mothering, frugal, bisexual, A.D.D./O.C.D., bakes goodies, confident, spontaneous, lovable.

Caution: high maintenance, clumsy, mildly bipolar, polyamorous, allergic to drama


A few years ago, a friend introduced me to this song because he said that I fit the profile of a Wayseer. I agree.

The dos and don'ts of internet dating

When people decide to use the internet to find a potential partner, many don't know what to do. It's easier than you might think! Here is your short guide: 1) Have a detailed profile. One of the biggest mistakes men often make is not writing enough. There are a disproportionate amount of men on dating sites, so most women get bombarded with attention. Unless your profile says something to stand out and spark interest, most women won't waste their time responding. Also, have a positive tone to your profile; negative comments are a turn off. Writing a quality profile is an investment. 2) The goal is to meet in person, so upload at least one photo. This should go without saying, but sadly many people mess this up so I'll spell it out: THE PHOTO SHOULD BE OF YOU, representative of what you currently look like, and recent!! If someone chooses to meet you after seeing your pics, then your looks are good enough. :)   Using a non-accurate photo says you are dishonest, and most likely will cause your date to be dissapointed in your appearance. In the comment fields it is always good to list the month and year that each picture was taken. 3) Be honest. No matter who you are and what you're looking for, there is someone for everyone. Being honest is essential to finding the most compatible person for you. 4) Smile in your pictures. This is the #1 thing I look for. When a man doesn't smile in his photos, he doesn't seem like a happy person or fun to spend time with. Taking happy photos will bring you better luck. ** Six months ago I took pictures of a friend of mine for his online dating profile. Before that, he never smiled for photos which made him look grumpy/older in his pics. Needless to say, he got little response. A geeky smile--or any kind of unnatural smile--is always more inviting than a non-smile. :)  The way I took new smile pictures was to have my camera ready and I snapped photos whenever he laughed. It took a weekend to get a few good ones, but afterward he had much better dating luck and now has a girlfriend! 5) If you initiate contact with someone, write at least a couple paragraphs. I know, some people are rude and don't reply. However, you are looking for a new PARTNER here, so spend at least a couple minutes to show you're interested. Bring up something specific from their profile that makes you think the two of you will be compatible. Rule of thumb: your message should always be a minimum of 300 characters. Realistically, double the length of a text message or tweet. Sending anything shorter screams "You are not worthy of my time." 6) Reply to all messages that you receive. This one is sometimes tough, especially if you get a lot of messages. However, even a "Thank you for your message, but I am not interested" goes a long way. 7) For the men, always be a gentlemen! It seems few actually know what this means anymore (very sad). Here's a link to remind/teach you: http://www.askmen.com/money/successful/41b_success.html Good luck! Everyone deserves to find that special someone who makes them happy.  :)

The Men I've Loved

This year I am in a relationship...so, rather than writing an annual revamp of the "My Ideal Partner" list, I am sharing the diversity of men who previously captured my heart.




The Pool Boy - We had chemistry from the very first time we saw each other. I called you "Michelangelo's David" because you are physically perfect--just like the statue. Seriously, you are one of the most attractive men I've ever seen (and I've met Pierce Brosnan)! You called me "Ruby Tuesday." My wild side scared you and your irresponsibility scared me. We no longer talk.

The Millionaire - Our romance was straight out of a stripper fairytale. Flights, limos, day spas, 5-star hotels, lots of sex, intense partying. Sadly you died young; I've never gotten over that.

The Best Friend - Dating my best friend was ideal. Nobody else ever made me so happy. You loved me, cared for me, helped me grow, and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I did the same for you. You knew me better than anyone. We were healthy. A series of unfortunate events lead to our break-up.

The Stalker - You started by being my friend. When things weren't progressing fast enough, you tricked me into believing I was being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. I am ashamed to admit that I fell for it and ran straight to your arms for safety and comfort. Funny thing is, had you not done that, I would've been dating you within a few months anyway because I truly liked you. You were brilliant, funny, and awesome in bed. Once I discovered that it was actually you (and not the ex) who was terrorizing me, we were through.

The Biker - Ahhh, the man responsible for setting my libido for life! Most people find you too scary and wild, but that's not who you were with me. I ground you. You are still the same man--but I grew out of the "bad boy" phase. We've remained friends.

The Vampire - This is a weird one: I had a dream about you when I was twelve! Since I believe everything happens for a reason, when I saw you in real life I pursued you. It was important for me to understand why you were in my dream so many years earlier. You got lucky. If it wasn't for that dream, you would've been a couple night stand at best.

The Porno King - You've always treated me like a princess, even to this day. I have so much respect for you. In a different time we could've been an unstoppable couple. However, we had the time we had. It's amazing how similar we were. Thank you for our continued friendship and sharing yourself with me.


Like a typical Sagittarius, my life has been a collection of experiences. Love and lovers are no exception...and I've learned from them all.

I am officially no longer single.

It's as if I wrote the "My Ideal Partner" list to describe him. Maybe I did...
We have known each other for a long time. He is a good man, open-minded, kind, non-jealous, loves me for me, and helps me grow. This means, I am retired. If I go back to the adult business in the future, it will only be with his encouragement and blessing. This is real, I am in love, and happy.

Every man I like is different

Most people have a set "type" of person who they are attracted to. That doesn't apply to me. Every man I've been with is completely different than every other. With one exception--and he was a combination of everyone I had dated (weird, right?). I like variety.

Since I started attending adult entertainment conventions, I've been physical with only a few men in the industry.

Richard Young - He and I seriously dated for awhile. Not casual at all.

Roy Karch - We have always been good friends and dated briefly.

Jason Quinlan - Since 2005, Jay has been my default go-to guy whenever I've been single. We've never dated and there's no drama; we are fuck buddies--nothing more. Pretty impressive in the sack and always makes me squirt. If you have ever wondered why he gets so much pussy, he DESERVES IT!

someone else who shall remain nameless - I was horny, Jay was unavailable, this man was in town. A random industry hookup--not something I do.

Despite working as a stripper for years, I can be shy when it comes to my personal life. Most of the men I've had mini-crushes on never knew:
(A couple are taken. A few are missed opportunities. Some still make me wonder...)
Huda Mahdi - Absolute gentleman. He is awesome; the type of man one hopes to marry. Of course he lives half a world away and already has an incredibly gorgeous girlfriend. She is a lucky lucky girl.

Mackenzie McAleer - Handsome, intelligent, ex-pat with a zest for life. HOT!

Brad Mitchell - LOL, Brad. Totally the kind of geek I would date. He's been on my Yes list for a long time but, since he's married, I've kept my distance.

Vid Vicious - I have so much respect for this man. One of the few exceptions to my "no casual sex" rule...I would do Vid. Always a complete gentleman.

Charles Michael - We have been flirting for years. He's smart, cute, funny, and a gentleman. I could seriously date him. Too bad he lives in cold Canada.

Kevin Blatt - We have tons in common and mutual interests. With all the hours we used to chat on the phone, yeah, I'm curious...

Halcyon - Back in the day I would've jumped at the opportunity for a threeway with Tassy and Halcyon but never got the chance.

Lance Harrell - Total cutie! We are into a lot of the same things sexually. Unfortunately, we know each other too well to date or play. *sigh*

Dave Urban - So gorgeous that I can barely speak in his presence.

Marc Womack - Had I been single, I probably would've offered up a threeway with him and Shey. He just oozes "good in bed"; so does she.

Christopher Keller and Mike Tompkins - Both are too young for me to pursue, but in masturbation land they are my boy toys.


Do I stay single because of shyness? Not at all. I enjoy being single.
For me to get in a relationship, that person has to be someone I like "as-is".

If I have to change someone, then it won't work (for either of us).
This is why I like to know someone well before we move forward.


It isn't fun being surprised with incompatibilities after it's too late. That said, even the majority of the men on my crush list are not men whom I would actually date.

Me & My Ideal Partner 2011

Who I am: Playful, independent, highly sexual, no regrets, ex-pat, generous, spiritual, zest for life, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart, non-smoker, self-respecting, loves unconditionally, open-minded, intuitive, jet-setter, comfortable talking about anything, shares, adventurous, self-thinking, lifetime student, love traveling, compassionate, childlike (not childish), enjoys helping others, romantic, good in bed, honest even when it hurts to be, sober, pretty, non-jealous, girly, computer geek, fit, genuine, old soul, enjoys reading, grounded, self aware, vain, happy, tenacious, intelligent, believes everything happens for a reason, loyal friend, motivated, realist, smiles and laughs easily, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, kinky, trustworthy, dog lover, cat owner, fair, logical, reliable, awesome boobs, thinks outside the box, one-of-a-kind, thoughtful, respectful, "show off", teacher, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, values privacy, spontaneous, turns dreams into reality, liberal yet conservative, motherly, bisexual, confident, lovable, likes crossdressers, child-free.
Caution: high maintenance, clumsy, mildly bipolar, polyamorous, allergic to drama



Many people approach life-partner relationships as "This person likes me/is ok/attractive, let's see if it can work.." Not me. Just because someone is good enough to be my friend does not make him partner material. My standards are set high--too high some might think. There is no shortage of potential partners and I refuse to change someone to make him fit the mold I want. Doing so isn't fair to either party. There is someone out there who is already *exactly* the person I want and I am already *exactly* what he wants. When the time is right, we will find each other. Until then, I'll enjoy being single. No rush.

My ideal partner has these qualities: Genius intelligence, is my best friend, ex-pat mentality, knows and likes the true me, shares hopes and dreams, funny, honest even when it hurts to be, treats me as an equal, ethical, loves himself, has faith in me, thinks outside-the-box, successful, gentleman, makes me laugh, computer geek, generous, we talk about everything, speaks more than one language, always considerate of my feelings, zest for life, athletic, non-smoker, gives me space, worldly, open-minded, loves unconditionally, supports me mentally/physically/financially/emotionally, good in bed, spiritual, articulate, sense of humor, motivated, sincere, trustworthy, romantic, helps me better myself, spontaneous, likes cats & dogs, listens to me, teaches me, builds and repairs things, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, smart in ways I'm not, fair, includes me, takes chances, respectful, puts me in my place, likes to learn, high sex drive, reliable, family values, enjoys traveling, confident, cuddles, responsible, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, protects me, stops me from eating cake
Deal breakers: Drug addiction, alcoholism, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, lies, disrespectful, violent


This "Ideal Partner" posting has become a yearly tradition: 2008, 2009, and 2010. Each year I re-examine who I am and what I want out of life. The list gets longer and more focused each year. When I am interested in a man, I actually do a pro/con list for him too. By putting it all down on paper, it is easy to see which qualities I admire and whether he has any tiny red flags that shouldn't be ignored. (Usually it's an effective weeding out process.)


Last month I had a my horoscope done for 2011. Essentially it said I will remain single. That's ok. I like myself. :)


Wayseer Manifesto v1 by The Wayseers

4 year relationships

I've been searching for my life partner--someone who will be "Mr. Right" forever. Is this just an illusion? Many people only stay together for life because they have children or financial ties and not because they are happily in love.
This isn't encouraging.

"Four years after getting married, about 10% are as happy as when they first got married--90% are not. Twenty to thirty years later it continues to go down." -- This Emotional Life, part 1.

My longest relationship was four years and my average is three.

If I change my outlook on relationships to just sharing a wonderful few years with someone before moving on, would that be so bad? Could it be healthier?

Tolerance would be lower, enjoyment higher. Expectations would change.
Accepting that relationships are meant to be temporary creates happier times together and less stress. No more sticking it out super-gluing a failing relationship. No disrespect. Relationships would be complimentary. People wouldn't allow themselves or their partner to fall apart. No compromising of yourself for your partner. When the relationship is no longer synergistic, breaking up would be logical and wouldn't cause hard feelings. Both people move on in whatever way that continues making them happy and remain friends.

With this adapted foundation, flourishing relationships may even have long term possibilities. Hmmmm, I will have to give this some more serious thought.

My Ideal Partner 2010

I have done this the past two years in a row -- 2008 and 2009.

Here is 2010:

Who I am: honest even when it hurts to be, zest for life, no regrets, old soul, enjoys reading, grounded, sober, self aware, adventurous, highly sexual, happy, tenacious, intelligent, free and living day by day, believes everything happens for a reason, non-smoker, motivated, fit, romantic, loyal friend, realist, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, lifetime student, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, computer geek, generous, loving, kinky, trustworthy, dog & cat owner, fair, optimistic, logical, not jealous, reliable, awesome boobs, thinks outside the box, one-of-a-kind, independent, thoughtful, spiritual, respectful, "show off", teacher, loves traveling, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, spontaneous, playful, ex-pat, turns my dreams into reality, not afraid to say "no", liberal yet conservative, motherly, bisexual, confident, lovable, pretty, likes crossdressers, child-free, good in bed, athletic.
Caution: high maintenance, irresponsible at times, talks too fast and too much, clumsy, bipolar, loves cake.


My ideal partner has these qualities: knows and likes the true me, honest even when it hurts to be, is my best friend, respectful, treats me as an equal, mental/physical/financial/emotional support, genius intelligence, zest for life, we talk about everything, trustworthy, gives me space, always takes my feelings into consideration, romantic, helps me better myself, spontaneous, ex-pat mentality, likes cats & dogs, listens to me, computer geek, gentleman, teaches me, makes me laugh, builds and repairs things, thinks outside-the-box, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, smart in ways I'm not, fair, includes me, worldly, takes chances, puts me in my place, likes to learn, high sex drive, reliable, family values, motivated, loves himself, articulate, enjoys traveling, athletic, same political beliefs, confident, spiritual, good-in-bed, loves unconditionally, shares hopes and dreams, funny, cuddles, responsible, generous, non-smoker, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, can stop me from eating cake.
Without any of these qualities: lies, dishonest, violent, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, insensitive, disrespectful, drug addiction, alcoholic.

Synergistic Union

By reading what I wrote it doesn't make sense how I stayed with my ex for so long. Hmmm.. Love is blind I guess. Now my eyes are open.

This is my attempt at getting my thoughts on paper (digital paper?) so I could better clarify within myself what I want in a man and what I expect in my relationships. Sort of an extended "My Ideal Partner" in an unusual format -- half personal ad, half love letter. I didn't write this for anyone in particular; I got the idea after reading Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man. It is not complete but a very good rough draft.

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You know what kind of man you are and know in your heart instantly when something is right for you. If you don't know yourself that well or are "unsure", then you are not the man for me.

Anything you've done in your past doesn't matter. We've both made mistakes in our lives. With me you start with a fresh slate. I expect the same. We are in the here and now and only move forward.

Who I am: self aware, honest even when it hurts to be, happy, tenacious, intelligent, zest for life, experienced, loves Costa Rica, old soul, enjoys reading, adventurous, confident, highly sexual, free and living day by day, non-smoker, motivated, romantic, loyal friend, lovable, smiles and laughs easily, pretty, realist, motherly, likes crossdressers, athletic, lifetime student, kinky, open-minded, likes sports, computer geek, submissive, generous, loving, trustworthy, likes dogs & cats, fair, optimistic, liberal yet conservative, bisexual, logical, reliable, awesome boobs, Dominant, enlightened, sober, independent, thoughtful, thinks outside the box, good in bed, one-of-a-kind, ex-pat mentality, teacher, loves traveling, grateful, helps friends move, respectful, sense-of-humor, spontaneous, spiritual.
Caution: think I know it all, need 10+ hours sleep per day, clumsy, high maintenance, irresponsible at times, talks too fast and too much, not organized, bipolar, ADD/OCD.


Do you want what I have to offer and are you able to live up to my expectations?


My ideal partner has these qualities: honest even when it hurts to be, is my best friend, respectful, we talk about everything, mental/physical/financial/emotional support, knows and likes the true me, loving, spontaneous, zest for life, treats me as an equal, always takes my feelings into consideration, helps me better myself, ex-pat mentality, genius intelligence, likes cats/dogs, listens to me, computer geek, teaches me, can make me laugh, builds and repairs things, thinks outside-the-box, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, worldly, smart in ways I'm not, includes me, takes chances, puts me in my place, likes to learn, high sex drive, reliable, family values, motivated, loves himself, enjoys traveling, athletic, same political beliefs, confident, romantic, good-in-bed, fair, loves unconditionally, shares hopes and dreams, cuddles, funny, responsible, generous, non-smoker.
Without any of these qualities: dishonest, lies, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, insensitive, violent, drug addiction, alcoholic, disrespectful.


Trust, honesty, respect, and communication are the foundation of our relationship. We start as friends first. While I am looking for my life partner, it must develop naturally. Sex won't come early.

When we marry I expect to take your last name and wear it proudly. Divorce is never an option. While I won't be submissive outside the bedroom, I will always treat you as a man. I appreciate all the things you do for us, from sharing your most private feelings to repairing our house/cars and I tell you so. You appreciate that I want to look good for you and take care of myself and you compliment me regularly. We make love practically everyday for the rest of our lives.

We are each others best friend, sharing our good/bad news with each other first, you always protect me and I take care of your emotional and physical needs in return, we keep each other's secrets. It is us against the world forever. This is the real deal--partners in every sense of the word. We both put "us" before ourselves.

While I would prefer monogamy I am flexible on this. However, neither of us can ever go outside our marriage solo. In order to have sex with someone else, it must be a shared experience with someone who knows we are committed to each other and that they are only a sexual outlet. Threeways are ok, stepping out is not.

Will we have children? I don't know. At my age I only have a 30% chance of conceiving in any given month assuming we have sex on the most peak day. More than half of pregnancies miscarry before the woman even knows she's pregnant. If we manage to conceive and make it past the first month, my chances of miscarriage are 25% (again due to age). I would love to have a child but understand it may not be possible. This cannot be a deciding factor for our marriage. If we decide to have children and are lucky enough to be able to--great!

I promise to love you forever, support you, appreciate you, be loyal, honest, have an active sex life together, be your best friend, respect at all times, and be monogamous. My expectations for you are the same.

As you can see, I've put a lot of time and thought into this. I don't ever want to "settle" again. I want my soulmate.

Who I am and my ideal partner

This is who I am. Love me or hate me.

ABOUT ME:
PROS: grateful, intelligent, self-aware, honest, likes dogs and cats, good in bed, happy, newly found zest for life, pretty, loves Costa Rica, old soul, enjoys reading, bisexual, adventurous, confident, free and living day by day, non-smoker, motivated, romantic, loyal friend, exhibitionist, smiles and laughs easily, spiritual, realist, motherly, submissive, likes cross-dressers, lifetime student, kinky, logical, athletic, reliable, liberal yet conservative, loves every aspect of sex, open-minded, generous, into computers, loving, trustworthy, can vibrate every part of my body, 420, optimistic, awesome boobs, Dominant, enlightened, independent, girly, children-free, thoughtful, sober, thinks outside the box, spontaneous, one-of-a-kind, tenacious, ex-pat mentality, good dancer, goddess, fair, helps friends move, likes sports...

CONS: addictive personality, not organized, think I know it all, sleep 10+ hours per day, high maintenence, clumsy, princess, difficulty being monogamous, irresponsible at times, talks too fast and too much, airhead, ADD/OCD, (bipolar?)




My Ideal Partner:
Has these qualities: honest, reliable, responsible, good-in-bed, funny, makes me laugh, we can talk about anything, knows and likes the true me, treats me as an equal, mental/physical/financial/emotional support, always takes my feelings into consideration, loving, has zest for life, is my best friend, likes to travel, ex-pat mentality, helps me better myself, cuddles, likes cats/dogs, spontaneous, genius intelligence, into computers, likes to learn, teaches me, athletic, includes me, confident, same political beliefs, makes me feel loved, high sex drive, motivated, puts me in my place, can build and repair things, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, worldly, smart in ways I'm not, takes chances, family values, listens to me, shares hopes and dreams, gentleman,

NOT these qualities: dishonest, lies, insensitive, violent, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, drug addiction, alcoholic, disrespectful,