A woman's body image and how easy it is to ruin

Las Vegas is a world famous adult playground. Working there can bring in big money, but it comes at a price. Vegas is all image and people pride themselves on being hustlers. Being fake is the norm. Everyone is judged--on looks, body, age, money, car, who you're sleeping with--not only did I hate living there, it ruined my normal healthy body image.

From stripping at the top Las Vegas gentlemen's clubs, I saw it all. I worked at Crazy Horse Too, Olympic Garden, Sapphire, and Spearmint Rhino. I was at the top clubs at the right times. Crazy Horse Too is the best club I have ever worked at. They treated their ladies with more respect than is experienced in this industry; it was excellent for my mental health and self-esteem. I worked there up until the day they closed.

On the polar opposite end of the spectrum was Spearmint Rhino. It was a toxic environment. There were actually a few occasions when the morning manager at Spearmint Rhino came up to me while I was on stage (!!) and told me I needed to lose weight before my next shift. Are you kidding me?!? I have curves, not rolls.

This is what I looked like at that time:

Instead of being brushing it off as an asshole Spearmint Rhino manager being a jerk when he was lucky enough to get hired at a top US strip club, it scarred me for life. Here are a few more pictures from the past: 

Because of these negative experiences, now I can't stop critiquing myself; it is ingrained and automatic. I am writing this as a real woman. A real woman who, with a pin-up body, was given a body image complex. Back then I was in the gym a few hours every day. Currently, all I have time for is an hour a day. Knowing that I don't look my personal best messes with me a lot. I'm in pretty good shape and not fat, but again...if my body wasn't good enough when it looked like that, how can I ever be satisfied?

By the way, the image below is what I was expected to look like (obviously less "fat" than above). I haven't looked like that since I quit smoking weed. 

(Quitting pot immediately made me gain 10 pounds that hasn't left me since. *sigh*)

Few women share their insecurities. I wrote this to bring awareness to the damage that can be done to the feminine ego. A joke to a man can seriously hurt a woman. She may not tell you, yet your words may still ring in her head decades later. Hundreds of compliments can't undue the damage of one well-placed insult.

Why I dropped out of college

I had norovirus all last week and, since I had so much down time, I pulled up Season 1 of Ally McBeal on NetFlix. When it was on TV over a decade ago, it was my favorite show. Watching it again has gotten me to think quite a bit. It is strange how years can go by before you realize what actually happened in your life.

When I met my ex (I'll call him Mr. Racer for this article), I was a college senior, serious about school, and had many more years of education planned. I also had a great job. After I started dating Mr. Racer, I pretty much stopped going to school completely and focused on adultwork. It hadn't occurred to me until now how much he played a role in that.

My last semester at University was a few months after Mr. Racer moved in. He did not like me being at school. He said the amount of stress that I experienced during school and with deadlines was too much for him. He encouraged me to ask for a raise at my marketing job and helped me with Adult business. He is the one who invented Trixie Racer and eventually suggested we move to Las Vegas so I could strip full-time. Since he couldn't qualify to purchase a condo there, I bought one in my name. We broke up at the end of 2005--and I was stuck having paid top dollar for a condo in a collapsing city.

We didn't talk for 4 years. During that time, I went back to school, took computer classes, and received certifications for A+, Network+, and Security+. After Mr. Racer and I started living together again, I told him it was important for me to keep my certifications current, but he would not allow me study time. He also knew that I wanted to go back to school as soon as I was legally considered a resident of the state we were in for tuition purposes. The first semester I would have qualified for was this semester: Spring 2014.

I'm not sure if it was because of my love for him, or not wanting to believe that our relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't occur to me until recently that Mr. Racer basically sabotaged my education. Obviously I must take responsibility in this too--since I allowed him. Even though I am a strong woman, I have a submissive side which naively trusted that his intentions were pure. From this sad realization, I also know now--without a doubt--that Mr. Racer never actually loved me. Love is encouraging and helping the person you love to succeed and achieve to be the very best they can, even if it means that their improved self won't want you in his/her life anymore. Love is totally selfless. He didn't do that at all. He discouraged me from growing into who I naturally am and molded me into what he wanted me to be.

I won't say that I never enjoyed stripping. Some times it was really fun and I met a lot of great people. At the same time, doing that for work never gave me the same satisfaction as college or my marketing job. I love to learn and use my brain. By working in Vegas strip clubs, I basically had the same, simple, monotonous conversations with drunk men every night. I was no longer valued for my brain; only for my body and my ability to move it. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had dated somebody who had supported my going to school. :(   

In the near future, I will be re-entering college. This time around I know that if anyone tries to stop me it will be for their own selfish reasons--and not in my best interest. That applies to all forms of improvement. When someone doesn't support you improving, it means they prefer you to be stagnant or regress; either way, it's a sure red flag and you should run.

Wanna Motorboat?

LOL, I love being silly. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Let's play!   *wink*

Back from the Playboy Mansion!

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Up Close

My ass

Sorry, I like to tease..... :-p

Changing

It's been a long few years with a couple close deaths.. I won't "get over" these losses but I am finally in recovery.

My physical health is improving. Several months ago I realized I had a problem with ephedrine. (This is not an anti-ephedrine post.) Ephedrine is a great drug. Unfortunately it got to the point where I was taking far too much and needed it to get by. At the time I thought it was helping me. Now I see I had become addicted and it was tearing me apart. When Nevada made ephedrine illegal in June, I quit cold turkey. Personally I feel it should be legal. However, I would probably still be taking it...

At the beginning of August I ran out of anxiety medication. I've been off since. Taking responsibility for my own emotions now.. Learning stress management. These past few months have been trying: I got robbed and foreclosed on a house. Luckily, I've learned good coping techniques. :-)

My body is tired of yo-yoing. Instead of living within a 20 pound range, I have adapted a new lifestyle. No more junk food. This has been the most amazing step. By eating properly my mind is clear and my body is in it's best shape ever!

Enthusiasm is creeping back onto my face.. I see opportunity in every new day, in every lesson life presents.. My youth is returning.

Watch out, world, Trixie is here to stay!

Awakening

Have you ever woken up and said to yourself "Wow, I'm really not happy with who I've become..."?


If you haven't, great for you. :-)

For the rest, that's where I'm at now.. :-(


The past few years has been a bad blur. Watch me blossom as a new me is created from scratch. I am awakening...