Next week marks 7 years since I quit drinking

    It has been easy to stay quit.  I have not been attending AA. I do read self-help books. I was never an alcoholic. I decided one day to quit and I did. To give AA credit where credit is due, I did a 4-day crash course on the 12-steps. It was horribly intensive and taught me that I had a lot of deep negative emotions, that I wasn't perfect, and how to forgive. I also removed myself from the negative people and toxic situations. About 6 months after I quit, then the reality of everything I ignored when I drank was in my face. Wow. That was stressful. I realized that I did not like the person I had become. The second half of that first year I spent actively writing down goals and working on change to optimize my health and happiness.

Buy from Amazon

I have never read a self-help book for alcoholic...until now. Honestly I thought I didn't need it. However, recently I found a book that I would like to recommend for everyone who grew up in an alcoholic home. I did, and I had no idea that my childhood environment was responsible for so many of my adult problems. The book happens to be an out-of-print parenting book. Because of its parenting approach, I am able to get two perspectives out of it: myself as a child growing up in that environment and as the messed up adult. Buy it if you are ready to heal: The ACOA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children: A Parenting Handbook for the Adult Children of Alcoholics.


I know I haven't posted photos in a very long time...

So this was me back when I drank:

And this is now:

Happy birthday to all my Leo friends.

6 years sober

 I quit drinking 6 years ago. As I've said before, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was so unhappy with my life that I used alcohol to excess as a coping mechanism. When I did this, I drank pure Patrón. I hate tequila, yet it was the quickest solution. There are times when I would like to enjoy a Sweet Water Blue, a Guinness, or even a cocktail--all of these taste yummy--but then I would lose the sobriety I have kept for so long. It's easy to give in to desires. It's harder to maintain discipline, and that is what I am doing by remaining sober.

Today also marks 1 month since I stopped eating sugar and sweets!! Breaking my sugar addiction was much harder than quitting drinking, which makes sense... Most people know that, in laboratory studies, rats will choose cocaine over food and eventually die from starvation. Less people are aware that, when rats are given the choice between cocaine and sugar water, 94% of the time the rats will choose sugar water instead of cocaine--this includes rats who were already addicted to cocaine! Sugar not only tastes good, it creates dependence within the brain. It is, quite possibly, the most addictive wide-spread and socially acceptable substance. I am so happy to finally be free of it. It has been many years since I loved myself the way I do now. I am healthy, happy, and constantly improving.  :)

Breaking my sugar addiction

As a child, I was indoctrinated that "good girls get treats" and sugary items were a reward. Many people think of sugar as just another food without realizing what it actually does to the body. However, studies have shown that 94% of the time, rats will choose sugar water over cocaine! In case you do not understand the significance of that, rats will usually choose cocaine over food and then die of starvation. Sugar is an addictive substance!

Image found at: grandtetonchiropractic.com/clean-eating-corner/why-you-must-break-your-sugar-addiction.html

While sugary items may taste good, they wreak havoc on the body and brain. For much of my life, sugar has had control over me. I've known it, yet the momentary physical and emotional pleasure sugar provides was a powerful reinforcer for continuing. A decade ago during an illness, I was forced onto a restrictive diet which broke my addiction. Unfortunately, after I got better, I retrained my body to successfully function with sugar again (this is pathetic considering that retraining involves getting sick repeatedly from the toxicity).    :-(     For the past few years, I have wanted to quit again, yet sugar withdrawals are so uncomfortable that I wasn't willing to relive them.

On July 15th, I decided to re-break my sugar addiction; this means no candy, cakes/muffins, coffee drinks, Red Bull, added sugar, juice, or any other sweet items (including those with artificial sweeteners). The first few days were horribly intense--significantly worse than when I quit drugs and alcohol. I went through severe withdrawals: mood swings, cramping, difficulty staying awake, depression, extreme cravings, and binging (on allowed foods). While binging is not healthy, it felt like it was the lessor of two evils to help me through the withdrawal process.

Day 2 was the worst. I wouldn't say I was crying, yet tears kept coming out of my eyes. I called my best friend (he is always more rational than I) who reminded me of the reasons I needed to do this and convinced me to stick with it. I had numerous justifications for why I should quit sugar in a week or two instead of now--but he helped me keep my resolve. Taking away a "reward" that one has grown to know and love is difficult. But, in reality, sugar isn't a reward--it is a punishment.

Today is Day 8 of no sugar. Yes I still have cravings. They are manageable. My brain keeps trying to lie to me and tell me that specific foods would be okay or that I "deserve a treat." How sick is it that my treats are actually self-sabotage? Thankfully, I realize this is the addictive cycle and have not given in. My mind is getting clearer, I have lost 2 pounds this week without even trying, and I feel good. Obviously, being a true addiction, I need to continuously monitor myself to prevent slips.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly....

Today's thought from Hazelden is: 

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly...." --Antoine de Saint Exupery 

If we look at the world through suspicious or angry eyes, we'll find a world that mirrors our expectations -- a world where tension will mount, arguments will abound, strife will be present where none need be. However, our experiences in some manner bless us, and we'll recognize that if we look upon them with gratitude. Everything in our path is meant for our good and we'll see the good when our hearts act as the eyes for our minds. When we see with our hearts, our responses to the turmoil around us, the fighting children, the traffic snarls, the angry lovers, will be soft acceptance. When our hearts guide the action we can accept those things we cannot change, and change those we can. And the heart, as the seat of all wisdom, will always know the difference. 


You are reading from the book: Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

Cannabis to be an allowed exception

I quit drinking on August 14, 2009 and quit smoking marijuana on August 30, 2009. Before quitiing, I used both to self-medicate. I joke around about having been an alcoholic and drug addict, but in reality I don't believe that to be true. A more honest assessment would be that I drank and used in excess in hopes of dying. Thankfully, I removed myself from unhappy situations and learned healthy life coping techniques.

After quitting, I had a pot dealer roommate, stayed with a good friend who made daily offers, and became romantically involved with a weed smoker. In addition, I kept my own personal stash (it was only last year that I finally got rid of it). Opportunity to smoke has always been here.

How have I stayed clean and sober? Because I chose to. Alcohol and drugs were no longer serving me in a productive way. Did I read any 12 Step books? No, but I bought some. Have I been attending 12 Step meetings? The only meetings I've attended were during Burning Man.

So, why am I writing this? It is probable that I will eventually smoke again. Not a lot, and not to self-medicate. For over a year I've been weighing the pros and cons of introducing marijuana back into my life.  Pot gave me energy, helped me exercise, and expanded my mind for more creative writing.

There are people who will think I am going on the wrong path. Some are just anti-marijuana, others may feel like I'm on a slippery slope back into addiction. I have thought long and hard about that and don't believe it to be true.  People say that cigarettes or marijuana are the gateway drugs, when in reality it is caffeine and alcohol--but I digress..... I haven't started smoking yet and I'm not even sure when I will. I say "when" because I do expect to smoke weed again. The circumstances will be right, and, this time around, it won't be an inadvertant "moment of weakness" or to mask unhappiness in my life.

Someone recently asked me if I was still sober

I appreciate that people care and are concerned for me. Yes! I have three years sobriety for alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy sex.

Alcohol. My biggest triggers were Las Vegas and bad relationships. Once I quit stripping in Vegas (choosing to work in small towns instead), I broke the habit of drinking at work. At the time I decided to get sober, I also left an unhealthy relationship. This was eye-opening and it was a long time before I felt ready to commit again. While I miss drinking the occasional SweetWater Blue, for the most part not drinking is easy. No triggers = no desire.

Sometimes I miss weed. It's true. I have the opportunity often, yet always turn it down. Having ADD, weed gave me tons of energy. After I quit smoking, I immediately gained 10 pounds that I haven't been able to lose since.  *sigh*  Also, marijuana enhanced my sexual pleasure so much that I could even orgasm from giving head. I miss that! On the bright side, I am always sober and alert. I do not need to self-medicate and I remember much more.

This year at Burning Man I met a gorgeous man. It is rare that I look at a man and think "WOW!" So rare, in fact, that I can remember each one throughout my lifetime. This guy was that quality of eye candy! I've never had sex at Burning Man, and it had been awhile since I'd gotten laid in my personal life. But -- I am successfully reformed! No OMGHSH sex, no Craigslist sex, no sex without commitment. I did take lots of pictures of him, though.. ;)

(picture of me taken by a fellow Burner)

Now that I am no longer stripping, I work full-time cooking and cleaning for the man in my life. Whoever said "You can't turn a whore into a housewife" was wrong.  :-p  Ok, so I wasn't a whore, but close enough in most people's eyes.

My life is simple and drama-free. Nobody causes me stress (those who had were phased out long ago). I am healthy, sober, and happy. Everyday I am grateful.

Celebrate your freedom

      Today in the United States; we celebrate our nation's independence. Why not take a moment to celebrate your independence as well? Whether you've found freedom from an addiction or from codependency, or you've discovered the freedom to live your life as fully as possible, take a moment to honor and acknowledge how much that freedom means to you. It's good to identify our problems. Through the awareness of what's wrong and what's broken, we learn what to repair and fix. It's good to focus on the health and the goodness in our lives, too. Becoming aware of what's right and what's working is how we discover joy. Look back along the winding road of the path of your life. See how far you've come? It looks good to me. How does it look to you? Hurray! We're finally free! God, thank You for setting me free.
(Taken from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie)

Today isn't just a National holiday; for me, it is also a personal holiday. Three years ago I left an unhealthy relationship. At the time he didn't realize the significance of my leaving on Independence Day--but I did. The month after leaving him I got sober and have been ever since. I "fixed" my life and unchained myself from addiction to drugs, alcohol, and sex. I am happily free.

Happy Independence Day!

Cracker Jacks

2005 and 2006 were very tough years for me. Among other catastrophes, a few of my loved ones died unexpectedly. While I won't ever "get over" their deaths, eventually I stopped self-medicating and learned healthy coping and acceptance.

As part of my sobriety, I receive a daily "gift" email. Here's today's:

"Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box."
-- Alpha English
It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment. It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years. Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief. I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.

Being the anniversary of my sister's death, today's message hit home. Some surprises are good, some bad, some wonderful, others horrific. Often you can't change what happened. Living a good life, being kind to people, having a quality support system, and remaining positive, are the secrets to enjoying the prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks box.

Sober over 2 years

From working as a Vegas stripper, I could out-drink 4 big men in a row. My party days were intense. Seriously. I was drinking 30-40 shots of Patron per night (yes, alcohol poisoning several times per week). In addition to that, I was also smoking 6 ounces of weed per month. During my extreme low I even took Valium, Xanax, and snorted powder.. Yeah, I was a party girl.

Then I decided to change my life.


Really. It was that simple. I quit....and I haven't been tempted to lapse.
I enjoy sober life (Mocktails and all!).

It is amazing how many of my dreams have come true since. During this time I took classes and passed certification exams for A+, Networking+, and Security+! In addition, I've taken numerous trips outside the US including: Costa Rica, Panama, Spain, France, Italy, Austria, Slovenia, Czech Republic, Germany, and Switzerland. It's been a full-on self-improvement journey--taking care of myself in every way. Truly happy.       :)       :)



Life is getting better and better all the time!! :)

Today is a day for love and lovers.

Luckily, I love myself! ;)

Today marks 1.5 years alcohol-free. Woo hoo!



And for those of us with a sick sense of humor:


Happy Valentine's Day!!

Celibacy no more

Recently I had sex. I've missed sex for a long time. Now that I've had my itch scratched, I crave more. Those who have spoken to me know I'm a highly sexual person. Those who've experienced me know that that is an understatement. I enjoy sex...a lot. It's the act of sex which I enjoy. I'd rather fuck for 4 hours and not orgasm at all than have sex for 20 minutes ending with a great orgasm.

So, why did I stop having sex last year? Simple: to put an end to the drama in my life. Huh? Without a sexual partner, nobody was close enough to create drama for me. If someone tried, I'd just walk away.

How is now different? After removing the drama from my life and getting sober (14 months now!) I see the world clearly again. I know what I want out of life and what I don't. Just because sex is great isn't a good enough reason to date someone. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and I'm also not a casual sex kind of girl...

Here are the only reasonable options I have been able to come up with to stay single AND get laid regularly:

(1) I could have a long-term fuck buddy. = I already have one and he is fun (will happily refer for hot females). He has been my default go-to guy for several years whenever I've been single (although obviously not during my celibacy stint).... He lives far away and never pressures me. Unfortunately, his availability is limited. Finding a quality replacement would be tough.

(2) I could be a porn star. = I have given this serious consideration. Fuck buddy sex is meaningless fun. Becoming a porn star would also bring fame and fortune. And since the sex would be for work, it wouldn't feel casual. Not to mention I have a lot of friends in this industry; if I decide to go this route it'll be easy.

(3) I could escort. = This is another scenario I have thought a lot about. My libido can easily handle four times per day. Escorting would combine the pros of having a fuck buddy (non-committal drama-free sex) with the pros of being a porn star (lots of cash with sex being justified as work). From working as a stripper and being an escort client for much of my adult life, I understand this business reasonably well. Realistically, I worry I'd get addicted to having sex so often and enjoy it entirely too much.

AVN is in a few months. I have a lot to think about....

1 year = no alcohol

It has now been a FULL YEAR since I quit drinking!!
My life has changed dramatically.
All for the best!


I'd love for someone to buy me this shirt. *wink*

Happy Valentine's Day

My Valentine's plans? To cuddle up on the couch and read. YES!!

Three men live with me...and a "Princess". My house is filled with love. They may all be animals, but they love me unconditionally! ;)




** Today marks 6 months sober. The changes I made in my life 6 months ago were essential for my mental and physical health. I am truly happy.