Sex with exes

Having sex with the ex sounds like a bad idea. But, is it always? That depends. Are you still emotionally attached? If yes and the sex comes before agreeing to get back together, then it is a horrible idea. Emotions deepen with sex and you don't want to set yourself up for another heartbreak. If both of you have moved on and are healthy, just horny, this might be ok as long as boundaries are discussed in advance and respected. An advantage to this is that both of you already know each other's bodies and how to satisfy.

My most recent ex was an ex from years earlier. No, we didn't have a random hookup that resulted in a renewed relationship. We actually talked about getting back together for over a year before we consummated our second go 'round. I bet if any of my other ex's are reading this, they might be wondering whether I'd have sex with them again under the right circumstances. For the most part, NO! Exes are exes for a reason and I don't want to rekindle our romances.

There are two exes, however, whom were impressive enough in bed that I have thought about whether a sex-only encounter might be reasonable. Of course, these relationships were also the most unhealthy I've ever had so the clear answer is no. In fact, in both cases I moved out of the state to get away from them! The first man was crazy beyond my tolerance level...but a 15 on a 1-10 sexual rating scale--thoroughly destroying the bar for everyone else. If it wasn't for his level of crazy, I would've married him in a heartbeat. For many reasons, I don't intend to ever speak with him again. The second guy was a 9 on the 1-10 scale and had a unique sex move I've never experienced with anyone else. For that reason alone, I've considered it. He knows how to compartmentalize sex and can't be monogamous, so he could be a possibility. On my end it would be just sex too. Thankfully we' don't live in the same state so there is little temptation.

There is a third guy....although he can't be labeled as an ex because our relationship wasn't committed, it was casual. We lived in different states. He came into my life at a time when I was too messed up to date but needed sex, and he was very skilled in bed (10/10). Yep, I'd do him again.

(Does posting about sex make it clear that this is the horny time of my cycle? lol)

My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

Collecting

Do you collect anything? Have you in the past? It could be something of value or to eventually profit off of. It's even possible that you collect as something to do, but it holds little value to you..

Now think about your collections. How would other people view it? Cool? Weird? Nerdy? Everybody judges, even those of us who try not to. Whatever you put your time, attention, and love into is being judged by everyone you know. I welcome questions about that which I collect and try to show interest in others by asking about their collections. When someone doesn't ask, it shows that they don't care.

I have had two main things I have collected: money and condoms. No, not the way you are thinking...and not at the same time. LOL..



As for money, I collected "star bills." These are bills that are printed wrong on the first print and, when they are re-printed, the letter is replaced by a star to symbolize that it is a reprint. They are not worth anything more than the face value on the bill. Most people have never noticed them even though they are in the general circulation.



Star bills always bring me great joy. This is such a thrill for me and I never knew when I might get one: in the club, change at the drive through, from the ATM.. When friends came across them, they set them aside to trade with me for normal bills. I saved my star bills for many years. At one point I had close to $10k worth. Unfortunately, I used them as collateral for a secured loan and the person spent them.   :(




Condoms are my other fun collection! I've always bought way more than could realistically be used. When I've needed to buy a pack, instead of one, I would buy 5 or 6 different types of boxes at the store. I am a shopaholic and so having a variety in the most intimate of purchases just makes sense to me!  :)



After purchasing, I would open the packages, put them in a big pile, mix them up, and then hide condoms all over the house. This way, if I ended up having a sexual experience, there would almost always be a condom within reach where ever we happened to be.. Since the bedroom was the most common place, I filled the nightstand drawer with them also. It was an extra thrill to see which color, style, and theme condom was randomly chosen. Just like with star bills, this collection added an additional oomph to a normal action.

My having such a selection of condoms was judged by the men I was with as me being promiscuous. In hindsight, it makes sense...but that was rarely the case. I've never cheated while in a committed relationship and my sex life usually comprised of either men I was dating or the one fuck buddy I would see whenever I was single. It didn't even occur to me that men would interpret my fun shopping experience that way. They never asked me about it (maybe they were just happy to get sex and didn't want to ruin it?) so I assumed they understood. Years later, I found out that at least one of them assumed I was a hooker. WHOA! Personally, I believe that what someone does with their body is their own business. At the same time, if these men assumed I was hooking while we were dating, it's no wonder they didn't take our time together as seriously as I did...

What am I collecting now? I still collect condoms, although I am currently single and have no sex life. I also collect DVDs. In a world of Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Youtube, they are not necessary...but they do make me happy, and that is all I expect from collecting.   :)

On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

Sex on the side

Just because someone is married, does that mean he or she should never have sex with anyone else again? Many would say yes, but I disagree. Marriage should be a beautiful symbiotic arrangement--not a prison sentence.



Men with young kids at home should strive to be the best dad possible by staying married and always keeping peace at home. Families require stability. Unless their wives are extremely open-minded, this means they are limited to a lifetime of monogamy or secret affairs.

For a married man to have a successful secret affair:
(1) He needs to have a job with varying hours. This allows plenty of time for a mistress without arousing suspicion.

(2) His mistress has to understand that he's married and be quiet when his wife calls. A husband not answering calls or refusing to talk is just plain dumb.

(3) He needs to only have safe sex or make sure that he and anyone he's having sex with has been tested for STDs.

(4) Never bring the mistress back to the family home. A wife would consider this the ultimate betrayal.

(5) Make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. No drama--only fantasies, romance, and fun. The wife is the one he lives his daily life with. His mistress is his "secret get-a-way from reality" and he should spoil her generously.

(6) Hiring a professional call girl is the safest route. Wives often desire revenge against husbands who have other "relationships" on the side. Whereas, should he ever get caught, the wife is much more likely to forgive him for hiring a hooker.

Sometimes having extramarital affairs can enrich your marriage. Seriously. They remind you why you love your partner so much, and, by experiencing another, you can show that renewed sense of love when you get back home. The key here is to do it without risking your current relationship and lifestyle. This can be tricky.

Personally, I am polyamorous and am honest when I feel the need to go elsewhere. I also understand if a partner feels the need for variety. Nobody owns me and I don't own anyone else. Sadly, few people are able to be that honest within their marriages without their partner freaking out. :(

How many sex partners have you had?

Maybe it's natural curiosity to want to know.. I don't know. I've NEVER asked a sex partner how many there were before me. Why? It's none of my business!! Nor will I answer that question for anyone else.

Guys are so silly. Most of them want a girl who has only had sex with a few men. Because of this, the average woman will lie and say 3-7. Yet how quickly did she sleep with you? Some men believe that a woman should have sex with them within three dates. First of all, I completely disagree with this and usually hold off for months when I want to pursue a relationship with a man. Second, any guy who believes that a woman who slept with him so early has only had a few sex partners is lying to himself.

Get the numbers. A woman is 30. She claims she lost her virginity at 17 and that she has only had 4 partners. Most of her relationships have lasted 3 years. Hmmmm. 13 years divided by 3 equals 4.333. This is plausible enough for you to believe her. Now--really think about it. How long did she wait before having sex with you? Do you believe that every single guy she fucked was a good guy and serious about a relationship? Does she ever go out and party? Did she? Does she have any "bad girl" girlfriends?



Instead of caring how many sex partners your girlfriend had before you, all that you should care about is who she is fucking now. Is it only you? Do you care if she has sex with other people? Is she disease-free? If you both agree to the sexual terms of your relationship, nothing else should matter.

NEVER ASK QUESTIONS WHEN YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ACCEPT ANY ANSWER. Women: this goes for you too. Don't look down on a guy because he admits to having hired hookers. Most men have. Get over it. You should be grateful for his honesty. People are not born great lovers; it takes time and experimentation.

If your partner is good in bed without needing additional "training", consider yourself lucky and don't stress!

Celibacy no more

Recently I had sex. I've missed sex for a long time. Now that I've had my itch scratched, I crave more. Those who have spoken to me know I'm a highly sexual person. Those who've experienced me know that that is an understatement. I enjoy sex...a lot. It's the act of sex which I enjoy. I'd rather fuck for 4 hours and not orgasm at all than have sex for 20 minutes ending with a great orgasm.

So, why did I stop having sex last year? Simple: to put an end to the drama in my life. Huh? Without a sexual partner, nobody was close enough to create drama for me. If someone tried, I'd just walk away.

How is now different? After removing the drama from my life and getting sober (14 months now!) I see the world clearly again. I know what I want out of life and what I don't. Just because sex is great isn't a good enough reason to date someone. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and I'm also not a casual sex kind of girl...

Here are the only reasonable options I have been able to come up with to stay single AND get laid regularly:

(1) I could have a long-term fuck buddy. = I already have one and he is fun (will happily refer for hot females). He has been my default go-to guy for several years whenever I've been single (although obviously not during my celibacy stint).... He lives far away and never pressures me. Unfortunately, his availability is limited. Finding a quality replacement would be tough.

(2) I could be a porn star. = I have given this serious consideration. Fuck buddy sex is meaningless fun. Becoming a porn star would also bring fame and fortune. And since the sex would be for work, it wouldn't feel casual. Not to mention I have a lot of friends in this industry; if I decide to go this route it'll be easy.

(3) I could escort. = This is another scenario I have thought a lot about. My libido can easily handle four times per day. Escorting would combine the pros of having a fuck buddy (non-committal drama-free sex) with the pros of being a porn star (lots of cash with sex being justified as work). From working as a stripper and being an escort client for much of my adult life, I understand this business reasonably well. Realistically, I worry I'd get addicted to having sex so often and enjoy it entirely too much.

AVN is in a few months. I have a lot to think about....

Drama-free sex

Is has been said that a woman knows within the first 5 minutes whether or not she will have sex with you. This is not accurate. The reality is that a woman knows right away when she will NOT have sex with you. Otherwise, you go into a "Yes" or "Maybe" category. The immediate Yes list usually requires exceptional looks or tons of money. Expect it to take a lot of time and energy to turn a Maybe into a Yes. All the while, at any time you can screw up and re-categorize yourself to No. Once you're a No, that is permanent. It is a slippery line and you rarely get status updates.

If a woman does have sex with you, you are now on "the list". This means that whenever she gets horny in the future, she'll often choose from her list instead of a random new guy. Why? Two reasons: (1) Most women don't want to raise their number of partners; and (2) Sexual skill isn't as common as one would hope. For every 10 guys you have sex with, one may stand out as amazing in bed. It's always a gamble. This makes the repeat sexual encounter with a partner you've already been with, even if casual, much more enticing.

Where guys screw this up
If you've had sex with a woman in the past and she decides to fuck you again, appreciate it for what it is and DO NOT turn it into something it isn't just to continue getting laid. If both of you really like each other and want a relationship, great! To be sure, this should be discussed prior to sex--not in a post-coital afterglow.

If you were not a good "couple", don't entertain the fantasy of getting back together!! Approach the new sex as a fuck buddy situation and be grateful she chose you. Unfortunately, too many men think the woman will not choose him again if he is honest about this. If she already did, she is cool with sex-only with you and will respect you more for being upfront and not toying with her emotions. Soak it up, enjoy, and don't fuck up the scenario.

Pretending to want anything more (if you don't) is an invitation for heartbreak and drama. On the flip side if you want to see her more, after you've had sex is the time to bring it up. I say after because if she doesn't feel the same, discussing during will ruin the sex for her and will put you in the future No category. Pay attention to the signs; it's easy to figure out if she wants more. Honesty here is always respected.

Getting on the list - Staying on the list
So, you don't want a relationship but you want to have sex? As most guys know, getting in isn't always simple. To make it worse, it's easy for a Maybe to turn himself into a No. Believe it or not, most guys are pushy or come off as desperate, possibly without even realizing it. This rarely works. When it does the girl either feels date raped or she gave you a one-time pity fuck (if you are lucky).

Be fun. Women like to have fun. Make it clear upfront that you don't like drama but you do like to play (this could be a general statement, it shouldn't put her on the spot). The guy who shows interest in his actions without constantly bringing it up or being pushy has the greatest chance of becoming her next Yes.

Once there, to be her future go-to man, make sure you put on a performance in bed. If you fuck her brains out, she will call you again and again. Relationship not needed.

My celibacy journey

It is no secret that I am a sex addict. I have alluded to it in previous postings and openly talk about it with my friends. My libido craves 4 times per day at a few hours per session. After my last relationship ended, I decided that good sex isn't worth the drama anymore and made a decision to remain celibate.

When I first started this journey, it was difficult. I read Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addictionand filled out the worksheets inside. It is important to mention that this also included no masturbation so initially I was chewing skin which had previously been covered by fingernails.



After the first few weeks, a strange clarity swept over me and life became peaceful and less stressful. This was unexpected and is the reason I've been able to maintain abstinence. All my friends have been very supportive (even if they don't fully understand) and have seen positive changes in me. Selfishly-motivated people cannot hide their disdain and are phased out of my life.

For a woman with a high sex drive, even a few months is an eternity--and it has been MUCH longer than that. In fact, I realized today that this is actually the longest I have refrained from sex since the very first time I had sex! Celibacy isn't a lifetime decision for me, but it is still the right choice for now. How long will it be before I have sex again? I have no idea. Jokingly I say I am waiting until marriage and, who knows, maybe...

Money, Sex, Drugs, Rock 'N Roll, Power, Possessions