Big Girls Don't Cry

Today is one of my sad days.

Back to stripper weight

Remember the weight that I gained after I quit smoking weed many years ago? Those 10 pounds that I gained and was never able to lose since? Well, I finally lost it. No, I did not start smoking again. I am not taking diet pills and I'm exercising the same as I have been. What I have changed is how I eat. I am pretty sure that quitting sugar finally enabled my body to let go of those few pounds. And, it was effortless!

For the past many years, I have weighed 145. My goal weight is to be between 130 and 135. More than 135 and I might muffintop. Today I weigh 133. The reason my heading says "back to stripper weight" instead of "back to model weight" is because I would often lose an additional 5 pounds to model. Most of my photoshoots were at 130. Less than 130 and I believe I look too skinny. I have always been upfront about my weight because so many women lie about theirs and men have unrealistic expectations for what a woman should weigh.

When I hung out with the porn crowd, I used to always joke that if I anonymously called one of them up to inquire about modeling and told them that I was 5'5" 135 pounds they would tell me I was too fat. They all agreed. Yet, this is what I weighed and I was constantly asked to do porn. While I have no judgments against the ladies who do porn, it isn't for me. I love sex, yet I love sex in private. This is why I did bikini & pin-up modeling and did not become a porn star.

I am super happy to have lost this weight. Not that I looked bad, because I didn't. My body stays hourglass no matter what, so it was just an additional 2 inches everywhere. However, after being a stripper it is difficult to accept having a waist larger than 26". Thanks to my healthy lifestyle choices, I am back to being below that.

The Perfect Body

My computer wallpaper shows the body which I consider ideal:


Staring at her reminds and motivates me to eat healthy and exercise. Who is she? Her body is phenomenal.

When I quit smoking pot, I gained 10 pounds that I haven't been able to lose. Today is Renewal Day, and I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to get my model body back.

Karebears

April 20th is a day that stoners across the world celebrate because 420 is the "code word" for smoking marijuana. Even when I still smoked weed, 4/20 was a day that I took off from smoking. For me, it doesn't symbolize pot--today is the anniversary of when my little sister died.

While I have always been bright, she was much smarter than me. A true genius and very charismatic. When she was sixteen years old, she was the top telemarketer for a major company and earned $40,000/year working part-time. She started the GLBT student union at her high school. She went to the national finals for her school's mock attorney debate team. She had a 4.0. She was a stock broker at 21. Her accomplishments are too numerous for me to list.

We were rivals from birth. As we grew up, I playfully referred to her as "the bad sister" and she called me "mweanie" in return. I loved her dearly but, due to the competitive nature of our relationship, I could never express it. That is one of the few regrets in my life.



I knew when my 40 days of Lent started that today would be the big challenge. *sigh* Tomorrow would've been the last day, and today I masturbated twice. Doh! Was it because I am stressed with grief? Or because I went on a date yesterday and didn't even get a kiss? 39 days is still damn good, though, so I'm not too disappointed with myself. Next year I will do this again. :)

4/20 snapshot

Even though my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I am still living with him in Atlanta until we can afford to move me. Since I gave up my Vegas condo to be with him, when I move I will be moving outside the U.S and living as an ex-pat.

Today is the anniversary of my little sister's death. We were never very close but I miss her incredibly.

It is also 4/20 day. I haven't smoked yet today and I'm not sure if I will. While I am quite the pothead, today may be better spent in reflection. We'll see...

I may stop dancing and modeling soon and get a "real job". My background is in marketing..

While the Speed Racer movie is coming out in a few weeks, I just don't feel happy like I should...