Theme Song change

I have decided to reinstate my 2010 theme song: Ziggy Marley "True to Myself." It was appropriate then and is now.

A woman who is a little

  Happy Halloween!! 

Throughout my life, Halloween, Christmas, and my birthday have always been my favorite holidays. In addition to that I love gifts and giving, all of these days have something in common--they are celebrations for children (and those with child-like personalities). 

Being that I have a child-like personality, Halloween is the perfect time to introduce the babygirl lifestyle kink to all my vanilla readers. 

First read this: http://daddys-doll.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-is-ddlg-dynamic.html. It will give you the full background on what the DD/lg or DD/bg dynamic is all about. You need to understand that first before you read what follows. 

I did not write the below article. I added the blogger's link for anyone who enjoys her writing style or is interested in this lifestyle so you can follow her directly. I am re-posting what she wrote because it perfectly sums up how I identify (before I receive any weird comments or emails, no I do not ageplay). A few men have seen my little girl side, although I only trusted one completely. And he carelessly broke me; she (the inner me) hasn't been out since. 


Originally posted on CinnamonAndSparkles:

Think you want a little girl?

So you are a Dom and you come across a sub who catches your interest. You find that she is also a little. You don’t know exactly what that means…But you’re interested, and so you find out.

At first you think it’s really cute. She likes Hello Kitty…teddy bears. No big deal. She likes sparkly things and gets excited about simple pleasures.

She likes to color pictures….says it makes her happy and relieves stress.

OK…

You love that when you are with her, she sees the world with the same excitement that a child has. She never outgrew that wonder. It makes you feel more joyful….You see life in a different way.

But you notice that she often interrupts you when you are talking….not because she means to…. not because she is on the same subject you are and wants to add to the discussion…. but because she saw a deer in the woods and excitedly wants to point it out to you.

Now it’s not so cute, but a bit annoying. She understands. She tries hard to be better, but it’s really hard….because that part of her is not big.

Life goes on and you grow closer… You thought you realized what a big responsibility it is being a Daddy Dom to a little, but you really didn’t.

A Dom has a lot of responsibility to their submissive. Being a Daddy Dom to a little has even more. A little is vulnerable in a way that you can never comprehend fully until you’re one, or with one who loves and trusts you.

You didn’t really want that much responsibility. You find it overwhelming and shut down. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to hurt your little.

But she feels it. A little is a tuned in radar to their Daddy. They know instinctively when something is not right.

At night you play games and then turn away and go to sleep. She hugs her teddy bear tight to not feel so alone and scared.

You look over and see this, and it turns you off even more. You don’t understand this, as you used to find it sweet and endearing. You gave her the bears…. but now you ask her what she gets out of it.

She feels the message in the question. It stings. But she tells you that it’s like when you cuddle a puppy….that’s what she gets out of it.

She sees the glimmer of understanding in your eyes and hopes….it’s so hard to show people who you really are, and face being judged. She gave you everything that she is. Please don’t judge her harshly.

And then the day comes where you have a fight and you tell her that your place is not going to be filled with sparkles and polka dots. Her mind wonders where the polka dots came from? But it hurts. He thinks you’re silly and stupid and have no taste. At least that’s what her heart hears.

Then you call her a child. And not in a good way. She’s angry…. but the anger comes from hurt. She knows that she is childlike….but she thought you knew what an amazing woman and sexual being she is also. But you don’t.

You saw her as amusing. Something that made you feel good, because that is something littles are great at…..But, you wanted easy.

Real life shows up for everybody. Sometimes real life for littles ( ok not sometimes….most of the time ) is scary. When she is scared, she turns to you. She shows you all of her vulnerability….Her fears… Her tears….

You feel even more overwhelmed…. you feel responsible for her well being. In a way you are. But mostly she just needs you to be there. To hold her hand, and make her feel safe.

She has taken care of herself for a long time. She has had to be big…to be strong. But she trusted you enough to let down that shield, and believed you when you said you would always take care of her.

She knows that she is a lot. She knows that she is needy. She tries hard to be less little.

She wonders how all the things that you said you loved about her in the beginning, are the things that cause you to not want to touch her now.

She has always thought she was too much. She always felt different. She has been told that the things she loves are for kids and she should just grow up.

When you call her a child, or tell her that she can’t be a parental figure to your children because she is a little…. it cuts right down to her core.

A little is very sensitive. They don’t have a thick skin, even if they pretend to the world that they do.

She will probably never forget your words.

She will do anything to make you happy. Turn herself inside out.

You cut her off sexually. You don’t touch her. You don’t let her please you.

You leave her alone more and more.

Want to see a little unravel? That’s the formula

Want to keep your little happy? Just love them. If you are ever a Daddy Dom lucky enough to have a little who wants to be yours, hold on and don’t let go.

Don’t just read some blogs and posts on Fet Life and think you’re ready and done. More than anything else, a relationship with a little is just that…. a relationship.

It takes work. Hard work and lots of it.

Like any relationship. So let me say that again. Hard work and lots of it.

The rewards are great.

But it’s not going to be a kinky romance novel every day of the week….. In fact, most of the time it won’t be. We live in the real world after all.

But those times that it is….

• This is a composition of relationships, not just one. It’s food for thought for any Dom looking at a relationship with a little.

** I write as little/sub/female dealing with a male Daddy Dom as that is my personal perspective. These could and would also apply to other sexes and dynamics

Monica

Remember "Monica" from my gym? She became a major motivator for me with just her presence taking my workouts up a notch. And her body has continued to improve. Wow, she could easily compete. However, now that I know the reason why, I must revise my April statement. I will NOT be doing what Monica does to get what she has.

Apparently, Monica, and a few other women at my gym, take steroids. I found out because they were recently offered to me, as well. I had a long discussion with a bodybuilder I trust. He said normally he is pro-hormones, but never for women because steroids are not women hormones. After he told me that, I started to pay attention and noticed that many of them do have a slight masculine facial appearance. While they have amazingly gorgeous bodies, I am not willing to masculinize my look at all. The first time I was exposed to hearing about women taking steroids was from a stripper I knew a decade ago. She didn't look masculine, but maybe she took very little or was new to them. I don't know. I just know that I am not willing to take this risk. Even for a perfect body.

What I do miss is the ECA stacks. Aspirin and alcohol (separately, not together) are both much more dangerous than ephedrine. The argument that ephedrine is used to make meth so it needs to be made illegal is just ridiculous. Baking soda is an essential ingredient to make crack, but you can still buy it everywhere. Ephedrine got a bad rap.


How disappointing ECA is gone! Equally disappointing is that those women got their results through steroids since I am not willing to go that route. I still go to the gym. I still stare at their bodies. But I no longer believe I will accomplish the same results.  :(

Telling someone that you like him or her romantically

I live by the motto "minimize regret" so I would much rather face potential embarrassment or humiliation than forever wonder "what if?". Life is too short to not pursue that which excites you. If it is a job, do it! Somewhere you want to visit, go! And if it is a potential partner, you must find out if you are meant to be. The worst thing that can happen is for you to keep your love interest a secret and then that person gets engaged. THAT is the wrong time to tell of your interest--you already lost your chance.

Telling someone new that you like him or her can be terrifying. Saying it in email is easier because the words can be perfected before pressing "send." However, by putting it in writing, it is pretty impossible to take back. But, why would you want to? Even if the person isn't interested in you back, don't they deserve the ego boost of knowing someone was interested? After all, you like that person, wouldn't you want to create good feelings?

If you are true friends instead of virtual strangers, casual acquaintances, or hookup buddies, then it becomes much more awkward. Sometimes expressing interest in someone ruins your friendship. I have only once lost a friendship with a man for expressing my interest (he could have just said no, lol), but I have cut off a few friendships after the man expressed his. It wasn't because he liked me, it was because his liking me was interfering with our friendship.


Need help? This video is excellent:

This Year's Lent Sacrifices

After much consideration, I will be giving up: cursing, hitting the snooze button, cold sugary coffee drinks, and tres leches. Here's why:

• I don't curse much, but any cursing is more than I want. 
• The snooze button is important. My life doesn't have many hard deadlines; at the same time, I am most productive in the mornings and hitting snooze is counterproductive. 
• The sugary coffee drinks are a new part of my routine. This a very bad habit for calories and sugar intake--so I need to put an end to them.
• Tres leches is another indulgence which I must give up in order to break my sugar addiction by the end of Lent.

Masturbation was suggested for me this year, too. In past years, I have included it.
However, since I rarely masturbate these days, it wouldn't be much of a sacrifice now.
For my goals, Lent sacrifices need to be challenging and provide a long-term benefit.

In addition to sacrifices, I pledge to exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes each and every day. This is more than I currently do on the average day. While I wish I could commit to more, it's not worth taking time away from school. I'm not fat so good grades trump my exercise time budget.  ;)

I will also have penalties for non-compliance. $1 per curse word, $1 per each time I hit snooze, $10 per sugary coffee, $20 for tres leches, and $5 for missing an exercise day.

Lent is technically 46 days with 6 cheat days. I do a straight 40 days because I want the long-term benefit. This year it'll be Feb 18 to April 2. For me, Lent is about change and self-improvement.

I want WORTH IT!

Not long ago, I started talking with a gentleman who was closer to the My Ideal Partner list than I've met in many years. We discussed the possibility of dating, even though we live very far from each other.

I was actually excited... but my honesty scared him.


Friends say "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" and that I invested emotion too early. People often miss out on what they want most in life is because they are too skeptical to believe it can be real. But sometimes opportunities present themselves & miracles do happen.

I thought he was my unicorn, so I wasn't going to passively wait. I told him how I felt.

Maybe my parents screwed me up by teaching me to be honest with people and expecting the same in return. They certainly didn't prepare me for a world where deception is the norm. I am secretive when I first get to know someone but, once I accept someone into my circle, I am very open about who I am, how I view others, and what I want in life. It might be naive of me to require such honesty from friends and lovers--but it isn't worth keeping people in my life who are not.

 After watching this video, I suspect finding someone who will be "honest with me always" and who is "trustworthy" might be close to impossible. However, I need that in order to be happy with someone and fall in love.

I'm not crazy; I just know what I want. Test taken today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||||| 94% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 55% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 75% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 58% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Conflict seeking || 8% Need to dominate |||||| 25% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 58% Wealth |||||||||||| 41% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 58% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 77% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 66% PeterPan complex || 8% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 75% Artistic 0% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 72% Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Indie |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

After much reflection, I understand the common theme behind why my relationships haven't succeeded. Despite having worked as a stripper, I'm primarily a Good Girl. This is a significant contradiction which most people cannot fathom.

Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.

The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.

How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.

My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh*  It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.

Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?

My Ideal Partner 2013

How did I get so far into the year without doing this? Of course I know: I was focused on my relationship. Now that I am single again and reviewed my 2011 list, I see that it was spot on.

What happened? While we got along well, deal breakers are still deal breakers.

 
This last relationship was like a marriage, and it's going to take me time to recover from such a massive blow. I'm not one of those women who jumps from one relationship to the next. Realistically, I won't be ready to date for awhile because I need time to be myself as an individual again instead of being half of a partnership. All that said, here are my lists:

My ideal partner has these qualities: Genius intelligence, family values, is my best friend, gentleman, knows and likes the true me, shares hopes and dreams, funny, ex-pat mentality, treats me as an equal, ethical, loves himself, honest even when it hurts to be, has faith in me, thinks outside-the-box, makes me laugh, computer geek, generous, we talk about everything, successful, speaks more than one language, always considerate of my feelings, zest for life, athletic, non-smoker, gives me space, worldly, open-minded, loves unconditionally, good in bed, father figure, supports me mentally/physically/financially/emotionally, spiritual, articulate, romantic, sense of humor, motivated, sincere, trustworthy, helps me better myself, spontaneous, likes cats & dogs, builds and repairs things, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, confident, smart in ways I'm not, listens to me, includes me, takes chances, respectful, puts me in my place, likes to learn, teaches me, high sex drive, reliable, enjoys traveling, cuddles, fair, responsible, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, protects me, helps me achieve my goals.

Deal breakers: Lies, disrespectful, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, violent, alcoholism, drug addiction, passive-aggressive

I admit that I'm not the easiest woman to deal with and it's tough to get me to commit. At the same time, my partner always knows where we stand without having to guess and I only ask questions that I truly want the answers for. I am honest, forgiving, understanding, loyal, and as straightforward as they come.

I expect the same in return -- even from friends.

  

Who I am: Playful, liberal yet conservative, thinks outside-the-box, independent, highly sexual, no regrets, ex-pat, generous, not afraid to say “no”, spiritual, zest for life, follows my heart, fit, non-smoker, self-respecting, loves unconditionally, open-minded, comfortable talking about anything, shares, lifetime student, enjoys helping others, loves traveling, compassionate, realist, romantic, good in bed, honest even when it hurts to be, sober, pretty, non-jealous, girly, computer geek, pro-gun, genuine, believes everything happens for a reason, old soul, grounded, vain, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, loyal friend, motivated, smiles and laughs easily, intelligent, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, trustworthy, dog lover, cat owner, fair, anti-GMO, logical, reliable, one-of-a-kind, thoughtful, respectful, teacher, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, turns dreams into reality, values privacy, mothering, frugal, bisexual, A.D.D./O.C.D., bakes goodies, confident, spontaneous, lovable.

Caution: high maintenance, clumsy, mildly bipolar, polyamorous, allergic to drama


A few years ago, a friend introduced me to this song because he said that I fit the profile of a Wayseer. I agree.

Cannabis to be an allowed exception

I quit drinking on August 14, 2009 and quit smoking marijuana on August 30, 2009. Before quitiing, I used both to self-medicate. I joke around about having been an alcoholic and drug addict, but in reality I don't believe that to be true. A more honest assessment would be that I drank and used in excess in hopes of dying. Thankfully, I removed myself from unhappy situations and learned healthy life coping techniques.

After quitting, I had a pot dealer roommate, stayed with a good friend who made daily offers, and became romantically involved with a weed smoker. In addition, I kept my own personal stash (it was only last year that I finally got rid of it). Opportunity to smoke has always been here.

How have I stayed clean and sober? Because I chose to. Alcohol and drugs were no longer serving me in a productive way. Did I read any 12 Step books? No, but I bought some. Have I been attending 12 Step meetings? The only meetings I've attended were during Burning Man.

So, why am I writing this? It is probable that I will eventually smoke again. Not a lot, and not to self-medicate. For over a year I've been weighing the pros and cons of introducing marijuana back into my life.  Pot gave me energy, helped me exercise, and expanded my mind for more creative writing.

There are people who will think I am going on the wrong path. Some are just anti-marijuana, others may feel like I'm on a slippery slope back into addiction. I have thought long and hard about that and don't believe it to be true.  People say that cigarettes or marijuana are the gateway drugs, when in reality it is caffeine and alcohol--but I digress..... I haven't started smoking yet and I'm not even sure when I will. I say "when" because I do expect to smoke weed again. The circumstances will be right, and, this time around, it won't be an inadvertant "moment of weakness" or to mask unhappiness in my life.

Regrets

Don't become old with regrets. These are the most common:

1)  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2)  I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3)  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4)  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5)  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

If you can see yourself at risk for any of them, make changes now while you still can.

None of the above apply to me. :)       Not many people can say that. Seriously, I have very few regrets in life, and they are trivial. Don't misinterpret this to mean I haven't made mistakes; I certainly have. Life is a learning experience. However, I carefully weigh my choices in advance so that I don't regret them--even when the end result is undesirable.

My first real regret was not seeing the band, Snot, when I had the chance (shortly afterward, the singer died). Another regret was not loaning money to someone who was important to me. Nothing could be worse than regretting you weren't a better friend or partner, so I now give myself fully to situations/people I involve myself with.

When confronted with two choices, both tough, I think "Which would I regret NOT doing more, despite the outcome?" That's all I need to know to make my decision!   :)

My method requires deep self-knowledge and the ability to be completely honest with yourself. If that is too difficult for you, here is a another way:

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment with the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”

3 Simple Rules in Life

Meant to be single?

When I find a man I like enough to date, I can be very flirty and aggressive. Some men are suspicious and worry when it doesn't take a lot of work to win a woman over that she must not be worthy of being with. Either that, or they have such low self-esteem that they can't believe a beautiful woman truly likes them for them. Very strange. Luckily, since I don't want to be with a man so suspicious or with low-self esteem, my aggressive style helps to weed them out. :)

I am me, upfront, honest, and go after what I want in life. If a man doesn't have these same qualities, we probably won't be compatible. I certainly don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't totally into me. Why is it that people generally want to have to fight to win their partners? The way I look at it...if I have to convince someone to like me, we are not meant to be--and I move on.

Often I wonder if I am meant to be single. I'm not anti-relationship; I am picky. Trying to date is often too much drama and I hate drama. If I'm going to spend my time with someone, he needs to be worth it for me. I am not one of those women who hops into one relationship right after the last. During the past 10 years, I have been single for five, in serious relationships for four, and in an open relationship for one.

If my fuck buddy were local, I doubt I would try to date at all. While I don't mind being alone, my 10-speed purple vibrator gets old...

Selfless Act for Lent

I was thinking "I can't afford to donate, I'm barely making it right now." Then I looked down at my KFC tray and realized I'm just fooling myself. Even if it's just a small donation (like that of a single fast food meal), it all adds up. If you're reading this, even if it's just a dollar, HELP THEM OUT! They are good people with a quality message. :)

Quality, not quantity

We attract those into our life who are like us or need to fill a need in our lives. I no longer believe most people are evil and therefore don't need friends who are sneaky or dishonest in order to covertly learn about this "other side". Doing so has backfired on me in the past and attracted negative elements into my life; I won't continue negative patterns.

From now on I only keep friends who are in line with my integrity. If someone is not, I will create space between us until we are nothing more than acquaintances. I apologize to anyone who is/becomes phased out of my life; it isn't personal against you. Instead this is required for me to remain true to myself and lovingly share my truth with others.

Move over Dresden Dolls

I love this song! The video is great too. I'm going to buy the cd today so I can listen to it on repeat for the next month. :p