December 16th has been a repeating date for my life.

December 16th has been a repeating date for my life. Coincidentally, three of my most significant relationships all started on this day.

My plan for today was to stay home to avoid meeting people...but that isn't always possible.

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

After much reflection, I understand the common theme behind why my relationships haven't succeeded. Despite having worked as a stripper, I'm primarily a Good Girl. This is a significant contradiction which most people cannot fathom.

Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.

The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.

How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.

My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh*  It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.

Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?

Sex on the side

Just because someone is married, does that mean he or she should never have sex with anyone else again? Many would say yes, but I disagree. Marriage should be a beautiful symbiotic arrangement--not a prison sentence.



Men with young kids at home should strive to be the best dad possible by staying married and always keeping peace at home. Families require stability. Unless their wives are extremely open-minded, this means they are limited to a lifetime of monogamy or secret affairs.

For a married man to have a successful secret affair:
(1) He needs to have a job with varying hours. This allows plenty of time for a mistress without arousing suspicion.

(2) His mistress has to understand that he's married and be quiet when his wife calls. A husband not answering calls or refusing to talk is just plain dumb.

(3) He needs to only have safe sex or make sure that he and anyone he's having sex with has been tested for STDs.

(4) Never bring the mistress back to the family home. A wife would consider this the ultimate betrayal.

(5) Make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. No drama--only fantasies, romance, and fun. The wife is the one he lives his daily life with. His mistress is his "secret get-a-way from reality" and he should spoil her generously.

(6) Hiring a professional call girl is the safest route. Wives often desire revenge against husbands who have other "relationships" on the side. Whereas, should he ever get caught, the wife is much more likely to forgive him for hiring a hooker.

Sometimes having extramarital affairs can enrich your marriage. Seriously. They remind you why you love your partner so much, and, by experiencing another, you can show that renewed sense of love when you get back home. The key here is to do it without risking your current relationship and lifestyle. This can be tricky.

Personally, I am polyamorous and am honest when I feel the need to go elsewhere. I also understand if a partner feels the need for variety. Nobody owns me and I don't own anyone else. Sadly, few people are able to be that honest within their marriages without their partner freaking out. :(

I am ready to start dating again

Even before my first kiss, I read "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" and "Men in Love". Monogamy isn't natural so trust and honesty are key. The movie, "Chasing Amy", fits me and my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences and have few regrets.. In "The Banger Sisters", I am internally both women. "The Ethical Slut" is the handbook which best describes how I view relationships. Men who date me can never deal with the reality of who I was and am now. Lately, I have been seriously considering living as a lesbian.

In order to be anything other than just a fuck, I need to spend months getting to know the other person first. This is non-negotiable. My partner and I should be best friends. If we are best friends first AND have chemistry, everything else will be there.

I want a life partner; someone I can count on always.