On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

Someone recently asked me if I was still sober

I appreciate that people care and are concerned for me. Yes! I have three years sobriety for alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy sex.

Alcohol. My biggest triggers were Las Vegas and bad relationships. Once I quit stripping in Vegas (choosing to work in small towns instead), I broke the habit of drinking at work. At the time I decided to get sober, I also left an unhealthy relationship. This was eye-opening and it was a long time before I felt ready to commit again. While I miss drinking the occasional SweetWater Blue, for the most part not drinking is easy. No triggers = no desire.

Sometimes I miss weed. It's true. I have the opportunity often, yet always turn it down. Having ADD, weed gave me tons of energy. After I quit smoking, I immediately gained 10 pounds that I haven't been able to lose since.  *sigh*  Also, marijuana enhanced my sexual pleasure so much that I could even orgasm from giving head. I miss that! On the bright side, I am always sober and alert. I do not need to self-medicate and I remember much more.

This year at Burning Man I met a gorgeous man. It is rare that I look at a man and think "WOW!" So rare, in fact, that I can remember each one throughout my lifetime. This guy was that quality of eye candy! I've never had sex at Burning Man, and it had been awhile since I'd gotten laid in my personal life. But -- I am successfully reformed! No OMGHSH sex, no Craigslist sex, no sex without commitment. I did take lots of pictures of him, though.. ;)

(picture of me taken by a fellow Burner)

Now that I am no longer stripping, I work full-time cooking and cleaning for the man in my life. Whoever said "You can't turn a whore into a housewife" was wrong.  :-p  Ok, so I wasn't a whore, but close enough in most people's eyes.

My life is simple and drama-free. Nobody causes me stress (those who had were phased out long ago). I am healthy, sober, and happy. Everyday I am grateful.

Celibacy no more

Recently I had sex. I've missed sex for a long time. Now that I've had my itch scratched, I crave more. Those who have spoken to me know I'm a highly sexual person. Those who've experienced me know that that is an understatement. I enjoy sex...a lot. It's the act of sex which I enjoy. I'd rather fuck for 4 hours and not orgasm at all than have sex for 20 minutes ending with a great orgasm.

So, why did I stop having sex last year? Simple: to put an end to the drama in my life. Huh? Without a sexual partner, nobody was close enough to create drama for me. If someone tried, I'd just walk away.

How is now different? After removing the drama from my life and getting sober (14 months now!) I see the world clearly again. I know what I want out of life and what I don't. Just because sex is great isn't a good enough reason to date someone. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and I'm also not a casual sex kind of girl...

Here are the only reasonable options I have been able to come up with to stay single AND get laid regularly:

(1) I could have a long-term fuck buddy. = I already have one and he is fun (will happily refer for hot females). He has been my default go-to guy for several years whenever I've been single (although obviously not during my celibacy stint).... He lives far away and never pressures me. Unfortunately, his availability is limited. Finding a quality replacement would be tough.

(2) I could be a porn star. = I have given this serious consideration. Fuck buddy sex is meaningless fun. Becoming a porn star would also bring fame and fortune. And since the sex would be for work, it wouldn't feel casual. Not to mention I have a lot of friends in this industry; if I decide to go this route it'll be easy.

(3) I could escort. = This is another scenario I have thought a lot about. My libido can easily handle four times per day. Escorting would combine the pros of having a fuck buddy (non-committal drama-free sex) with the pros of being a porn star (lots of cash with sex being justified as work). From working as a stripper and being an escort client for much of my adult life, I understand this business reasonably well. Realistically, I worry I'd get addicted to having sex so often and enjoy it entirely too much.

AVN is in a few months. I have a lot to think about....

"Alice"

Recently I have been looking at websites that I shouldn't. Not only did I fall off the wagon in this regard, it ran over me and took a picture. (No, you CAN'T see the picture! :-p)

So, I'll admit, tonight I was looking at escort ads... I've been celibate for so long now, I figured it couldn't hurt to check out some hot girls. With my history of hiring ladies, this is a slippery slope... But a smart man once told me that "We never do anything that we can't rationalize." I was being bad and knew it.

It just happened that I was lingering over a specific ad when I noticed someone posted a response comment:

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

Wow, what a slap in the face reminder! In case you don't recognize it, it is from Sexaholics Anonymous. I have been to a few dozen meetings--SA, AA, NA, OA. Next month marks one year completely sober from alcohol and drugs. Since I removed the triggers from my life, it's been easy. I've been telling myself that by remaining sober for a whole year would be proof that I can keep myself in check. My long term goal was never to quit forever, but to regain control of my life. After I achieve this goal I will likely indulge in an Ireland/Amsterdam vacation to celebrate. >;-)    

Unlike drugs and alcohol, giving up sex hasn't been as simple. Sex is a normal part of life; intimacy is too. I have refrained from both of these since last year. Considering I've been working in an adult environment, this is much harder than you can possibly imagine. And by my web use lately, it is apparent that full abstinence may not be the best solution for my sex addiction. But if not that, what?

Sex addiction?

This is a topic I know a lot about. Generally I am good at keeping my sex-addiction in check and only "acting out" with my partner. I am currently abstinent. No more unhealthy sex.

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How much do you know about sex addiction? There is a new show on TV about sex addiction rehab:

About Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew

Addiction is nothing new. Alcohol, drugs, anorexia and bulimia...the list goes on and on. Addiction goes beyond impacting personal lives; it wreaks havoc on health, lands people in jail, and tears careers to shreds. But there's another addiction out there that most people have never even heard of - more insidious, but with the same, devastating consequences. It afflicts roughly 6% of the American population and like drug and food addictions, nobody is immune to it...It's called Sex Addiction.

Now, for the first time, VH1 and the producers behind Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew will shed light on this oft-dismissed compulsion on Sex Addiction With Dr. Drew. Celebrity Rehab 1 and 2 made television history, pulling back the curtain on alcohol and drug detox as stars underwent treatment inside an actual rehab facility. Now, Dr. Drew Pinsky will pull back the bed sheets on Sex Addiction as nine new patients undergo treatment at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

Many people scoff when they first hear the term, "Sexual Addiction." How could anything as fun, as beautiful, and as natural as sex be considered an addiction? How could too much sex be unhealthy?

Consider ignoring all other aspects of your life while you pursue new sexual conquests - conquests that never actually satisfy you. Imagine spending nine hours a day trolling internet porn sites, or going bankrupt because of too many visits to strip clubs and prostitutes. For addicts, sex isn't even pleasurable, but rather a way to escape the pain of past loss, childhood trauma, abuse and abandonment. Like many other addictions, their habits can cost them their jobs, their marriages, even their lives.

Aided a team of the nation's foremost experts on sexual addiction, Dr. Drew will guide these patients through one of the most intensive, real-life detox and treatment programs in the world. Living together for 21 days, they'll meet with Dr. Drew in one-on-one and group therapy sessions to get to the bottom of their compulsive behavior, with cameras documenting every moment...every breakdown...and every breakthrough.

Sex Addiction With Dr. Drew isn't a moral condemnation of sex, the adult entertainment industry, or even the most prurient of kinks. Rather, it's an attempt to help nine patients whose sexual habits are spinning dangerously out of control and threatening to ruin their lives. Who will get kicked out for acting out? Who will give up and leave early? And who will find the inner strength to give in to the treatment process, take a long hard look at themselves, and pave the way for a brighter future? Ultimately, what they get out of their time in recovery is up to them, but all nine of them will, without a doubt, experience an emotional journey they never expected.

Source: http://www.vh1.com/shows/sex_rehab_with_dr_drew/series.jhtml

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Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew - Peep The Full Cast


The latest Celebrity Rehab spin-off, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, will tackle the mostly unexamined world of sex addiction. It debuts Sunday, Nov. 1 at 10/9c. More details are in the press release below, and after that, get a look at the cast of the show on set…

VH1, Dr. Drew and Irwin Entertainment have expanded their documentary series on addiction to examine one of society’s most taboo topics, sex addiction, in the upcoming series Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew. The series is set to premiere on VH1 on Sunday, November 1 at 10pm.

Addictions are nothing new, and most people are aware of those involving alcohol, drugs, and eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia, but few know about and understand sex addiction. It afflicts roughly 3%-6% of the American population, and just like other addictions, its impact on personal lives can be devastating. The affliction can wreak havoc on the mental and physical health of those afflicted as well as destroy marriages, families, careers and even finances.

Dr. Drew and a team of the nation’s foremost experts on sexual addiction will guide eight patients through an intensive state of the art program. Living together for 21 days, they’ll meet with Dr. Drew in daily one-on-one and group therapy sessions in order to get to the root of their compulsive behavior.

Dr. Drew is a highly respected practicing MD, is board certified in addiction medicine and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at KECK USC School of Medicine, who will once again give viewers an unflinching look at exactly how the rehab process works and what it feels like for participants. Dr. Drew hopes to use his patients to humanize the process and show viewers that treatment is a viable way to break the cycle of addiction.

Beginning Monday, October 26 fans can catch a sneak peek of the season’s first episode on VH1.com – one week before the on-air premiere. Subsequent episodes will be available on VH1.com the morning after they air. Additional video content from Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew including extras from each episode will be available on VH1.com and on VH1 Mobile throughout the season.

Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew is executive produced by John Irwin and Bruce Toms for Irwin Entertainment. Dr. Drew Pinsky and Howard Lapides are also executive producing. Jeff Olde, Jill Holmes, and Noah Pollack are executive producers for VH1.

(FYI, that’s marriage/family therapist Jill Vermeire in the shot above with Dr. Drew.)

The eight Sex Rehab patients (along with some biographical info on them) are below…


Jennifer Ketchum (aka Penny Flame) – Porn actress / Director / Business woman

Jennifer Ketcham, 26 years old (former adult star known as Penny Flame) is now pursuing a writing career and life in production behind the lens. As an adult performer Jennifer climbed to the top winning over 5 awards and directing educational guides for Vivid. Jennifer still owns her adult website PennyFlame.com (NSFW, duh) and directed and produced all the content on there. Her latest venture has been a confessional blog documenting her struggle to move away from her adult film life as Penny towards becoming Jennie. Taking everything she learned from the show she has remained sober and has been enjoying all the beauties sobriety has to offer.


James “Jamie” Lovett – Surfer / Wakeboarder

James Lovett is one of the world’s top rated surfers and wakeboarders. Lovett, who started surfing before the age of 10, was perfecting aerials at the age of ten. At 14 years old Lovett turned professional and has since dominated the sport winning countless competitions and medals. In 2004, at the age of 17 years old, Lovett climbed his way to the top of the wake surfing when he won the Centurion World Wake Surfing Championships.


Nicole Narain – Model / Playboy Playmate

Soon after becoming Playboy’s Miss January 2002, she appeared in music videos from the likes of Diddy, Mario Wayans and Jermaine Dupri. She’s also appeared on Entourage, Mad TV and American Heiress. She reached a new level of exposure when a sex tape featuring her with Colin Farrel leaked. “That pretty much ruined my life,” she says. Lately, she has been focusing on writing. “I’m ready to purge,” she reports.


Kari Ann Peniche – Beauty queen / Model / Fashion designer

Kari Ann was Miss Oregon Teen USA 2002, competed at Miss Teen USA 2002, won Miss Oregon United States 2003 then went on to win Miss United States Teen 2003. In Nov 2004 she appeared in Playboy. Along with various movie roles, Kari was briefly engaged to Aaron Carter. Her upcoming book, Stripped, Strung Out, and Beautifully Abused, focuses on sexual abuse, domestic violence, power, control, relationships and goals. Her clothing line is Strung Out Girl.


Kendra Jade Rossi – Ex-porn star / Music manager

During her years in the porn industry, Kendra became a well known adult film star. However, she also became tabloid fodder. (Star magazine and Us Weekly accused her of breaking up Kevin Federline and Britney Spears marriage after a trip to Vegas, for example.) She finally left the adult film industry in 2001 on the verge of a complete breakdown. She fell headlong into alcoholism and was also diagnosed as an agoraphobic with severe anxiety and panic disorders, which introduced the world of prescription drug abuse.

In 2007, Kendra was introduced to Lukas Rossi, winner of Rockstar Supernova, by mutual friends, Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee - and the two immediately clicked. They married 4 months after meeting. Kendra will tell anyone who will listen that Lukas saved her life. It was his love and devotion to her that spurred her to face her personal demons and reach out for help and sobriety.


Duncan Roy - Producer / Writer / Director

Duncan directed the acclaimed 2002 film AKA. He has worked as a journalist, and teaches low-budget filmmaking at UCLA extension. See his Wikipedia page for more info.


Amber Smith – Supermodel/Reality TV star/Actress

An internationally recognized supermodel and actress for 20 years, Amber Smith, also acted in films such as L.A. Confidential, American Beauty and The Mirror Has Two Faces. She appeared on the second season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, where she went public with her 16-year addiction to opiate painkillers. On the show, Amber underwent a painful withdrawal from drugs. She also appeared on the Rehab spin-off Sober House.


Phil Varone – Musician

Phil Varone is an accomplished drummer, music producer and songwriter best known for his work with the bands Saigon Kick and Skid Row. In 2004, Phil left Skid Row and the music business to pursue acting and stand up comedy. After moving to Los Angeles, he spent the first two years producing the feature length documentary, Waking Up Dead. Phil also lectures in colleges throughout the United States and is the creator and host of the Sex Stand Up and Rock and Roll Show.

Source: http://blog.vh1.com/2009-10-06/sex-rehab-with-dr-drew-peep-the-full-cast/

Watch episodes here: http://www.vh1.com/shows/sex_rehab_with_dr_drew/series.jhtml

I am a sex addict too

Choke came out yesterday. I want to go see it.




Sex-addiction theme of ‘Choke’ holds Rockwell’s interest

Despite the tabloid headlines that surround celebrities treated for sex addiction, Sam Rockwell, who plays such an addict in “Choke,” knows the condition is far from glamorous.

“I did some research,” Rockwell said. He met a sex therapist and “went to some sex-addict meetings, anonymously most of the time,” in New York and Los Angeles.

Unlike alcoholism, “It’s more like an eating disorder because it’s emotional rather than physically addictive,” he discovered.

Rockwell was up for the demands of his role with lots of - simulated - sex. “It was tricky and it was pretty silly stuff,” he said. “Just not erotic at all.”

Known for playing quirky characters such as game-show host and alleged CIA agent Chuck Barris in “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” and wily Charley Ford in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford,” Rockwell calls his character Victor “a comedic Hamlet.”

“Choke” is, he said, “kind of the comedic psychoanalysis of a Casanova. We find out what it is really like to be a Casanova instead of glamorizing it. If you meet a real ladies man, they’re usually not incredibly good-looking guys. They’re usually pretty empty inside. That’s because this kind of thing is fun for a while and then it turns into an empty pit.

Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/entertainment/movies/general/view.bg?articleid=1121602