Sex with exes

Having sex with the ex sounds like a bad idea. But, is it always? That depends. Are you still emotionally attached? If yes and the sex comes before agreeing to get back together, then it is a horrible idea. Emotions deepen with sex and you don't want to set yourself up for another heartbreak. If both of you have moved on and are healthy, just horny, this might be ok as long as boundaries are discussed in advance and respected. An advantage to this is that both of you already know each other's bodies and how to satisfy.

My most recent ex was an ex from years earlier. No, we didn't have a random hookup that resulted in a renewed relationship. We actually talked about getting back together for over a year before we consummated our second go 'round. I bet if any of my other ex's are reading this, they might be wondering whether I'd have sex with them again under the right circumstances. For the most part, NO! Exes are exes for a reason and I don't want to rekindle our romances.

There are two exes, however, whom were impressive enough in bed that I have thought about whether a sex-only encounter might be reasonable. Of course, these relationships were also the most unhealthy I've ever had so the clear answer is no. In fact, in both cases I moved out of the state to get away from them! The first man was crazy beyond my tolerance level...but a 15 on a 1-10 sexual rating scale--thoroughly destroying the bar for everyone else. If it wasn't for his level of crazy, I would've married him in a heartbeat. For many reasons, I don't intend to ever speak with him again. The second guy was a 9 on the 1-10 scale and had a unique sex move I've never experienced with anyone else. For that reason alone, I've considered it. He knows how to compartmentalize sex and can't be monogamous, so he could be a possibility. On my end it would be just sex too. Thankfully we' don't live in the same state so there is little temptation.

There is a third guy....although he can't be labeled as an ex because our relationship wasn't committed, it was casual. We lived in different states. He came into my life at a time when I was too messed up to date but needed sex, and he was very skilled in bed (10/10). Yep, I'd do him again.

(Does posting about sex make it clear that this is the horny time of my cycle? lol)

Will the stripper date or fuck me?

Men enjoy the fantasy that they can score or date the beautiful woman they are handing money to. Knowing this, strippers usually say or do whatever it takes to get the maximum amount from you. When it comes down to it, do you care if she really likes you? Would you still enjoy yourself if you knew you didn't have a chance? Most men want to be lied to.

The stripper you are interested in falls into one of these categories:

1) Already married or has boyfriend = you have no chance
2) Already married or has boyfriend = may play with hot guys/girls or for money/drugs
3) Single = thinks guys they meet in the club are "losers" and would never date a customer
4) Single = may play with hot guys/girls or for money/drugs
5) Single = actually a normal girl who happens to strip, you may have a chance
6) Lesbian

How to interpret your odds for each stripper category:

#1 / #3 - Just enjoy yourself in the club. It won't go any further.
#2 / #4 - If you are hot enough, have enough money and/or party supplies, this girl is a strong "maybe."
#5 - She may take you seriously if she genuinely likes you. Don't screw it up.
#6 - Are you a woman? If not, treat like categories 1 and 3.

I fit into category #5. How could the observant man tell? In the club, I was never a hit-and-run dancer. Time permitting, it was important to talk and establish chemistry before dancing. This was just as much for the client's benefit as for my own; each of us would enjoy our mini-relationship more (similar to single-serving friends from "Fight Club", except more intimate). The majority of the men I ended up dating I first met this way.

Men asked me out daily; only rarely did I give out my contact info. If I did and then the guy turned around and spent money on other strippers, he blew his chance with me. Only an asshole would do this. It is the same as meeting a girl at a party, flirting to get her number, and once you succeed moving on to her friends. Not cool.

I've never been the type to play "stripper games" or lie to make additional money. At the same time, a man who thought he could spend time with me and eventually date me without dropping a lot of money would never have a chance. The money itself wasn't the reason--respect was. Any man who comes into a woman's workplace, takes up her time, and has her lose money for the privilege doesn't respect her and is not a quality man.

Here's another article: http://www.wikihow.com/Date-a-Stripper. While I don't agree with all of it, it is worth reading.

So, will the stripper you like date or fuck you? I don't know. But you should now be able to tell if you can correctly categorize her from above and have what it takes. Strip clubs are for entertainment--not matchmaking--so if it doesn't lead any further don't feel cheated. It is what it is....

On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

Someone recently asked me if I was still sober

I appreciate that people care and are concerned for me. Yes! I have three years sobriety for alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy sex.

Alcohol. My biggest triggers were Las Vegas and bad relationships. Once I quit stripping in Vegas (choosing to work in small towns instead), I broke the habit of drinking at work. At the time I decided to get sober, I also left an unhealthy relationship. This was eye-opening and it was a long time before I felt ready to commit again. While I miss drinking the occasional SweetWater Blue, for the most part not drinking is easy. No triggers = no desire.

Sometimes I miss weed. It's true. I have the opportunity often, yet always turn it down. Having ADD, weed gave me tons of energy. After I quit smoking, I immediately gained 10 pounds that I haven't been able to lose since.  *sigh*  Also, marijuana enhanced my sexual pleasure so much that I could even orgasm from giving head. I miss that! On the bright side, I am always sober and alert. I do not need to self-medicate and I remember much more.

This year at Burning Man I met a gorgeous man. It is rare that I look at a man and think "WOW!" So rare, in fact, that I can remember each one throughout my lifetime. This guy was that quality of eye candy! I've never had sex at Burning Man, and it had been awhile since I'd gotten laid in my personal life. But -- I am successfully reformed! No OMGHSH sex, no Craigslist sex, no sex without commitment. I did take lots of pictures of him, though.. ;)

(picture of me taken by a fellow Burner)

Now that I am no longer stripping, I work full-time cooking and cleaning for the man in my life. Whoever said "You can't turn a whore into a housewife" was wrong.  :-p  Ok, so I wasn't a whore, but close enough in most people's eyes.

My life is simple and drama-free. Nobody causes me stress (those who had were phased out long ago). I am healthy, sober, and happy. Everyday I am grateful.

Celibacy no more

Recently I had sex. I've missed sex for a long time. Now that I've had my itch scratched, I crave more. Those who have spoken to me know I'm a highly sexual person. Those who've experienced me know that that is an understatement. I enjoy sex...a lot. It's the act of sex which I enjoy. I'd rather fuck for 4 hours and not orgasm at all than have sex for 20 minutes ending with a great orgasm.

So, why did I stop having sex last year? Simple: to put an end to the drama in my life. Huh? Without a sexual partner, nobody was close enough to create drama for me. If someone tried, I'd just walk away.

How is now different? After removing the drama from my life and getting sober (14 months now!) I see the world clearly again. I know what I want out of life and what I don't. Just because sex is great isn't a good enough reason to date someone. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and I'm also not a casual sex kind of girl...

Here are the only reasonable options I have been able to come up with to stay single AND get laid regularly:

(1) I could have a long-term fuck buddy. = I already have one and he is fun (will happily refer for hot females). He has been my default go-to guy for several years whenever I've been single (although obviously not during my celibacy stint).... He lives far away and never pressures me. Unfortunately, his availability is limited. Finding a quality replacement would be tough.

(2) I could be a porn star. = I have given this serious consideration. Fuck buddy sex is meaningless fun. Becoming a porn star would also bring fame and fortune. And since the sex would be for work, it wouldn't feel casual. Not to mention I have a lot of friends in this industry; if I decide to go this route it'll be easy.

(3) I could escort. = This is another scenario I have thought a lot about. My libido can easily handle four times per day. Escorting would combine the pros of having a fuck buddy (non-committal drama-free sex) with the pros of being a porn star (lots of cash with sex being justified as work). From working as a stripper and being an escort client for much of my adult life, I understand this business reasonably well. Realistically, I worry I'd get addicted to having sex so often and enjoy it entirely too much.

AVN is in a few months. I have a lot to think about....

Drama-free sex

Is has been said that a woman knows within the first 5 minutes whether or not she will have sex with you. This is not accurate. The reality is that a woman knows right away when she will NOT have sex with you. Otherwise, you go into a "Yes" or "Maybe" category. The immediate Yes list usually requires exceptional looks or tons of money. Expect it to take a lot of time and energy to turn a Maybe into a Yes. All the while, at any time you can screw up and re-categorize yourself to No. Once you're a No, that is permanent. It is a slippery line and you rarely get status updates.

If a woman does have sex with you, you are now on "the list". This means that whenever she gets horny in the future, she'll often choose from her list instead of a random new guy. Why? Two reasons: (1) Most women don't want to raise their number of partners; and (2) Sexual skill isn't as common as one would hope. For every 10 guys you have sex with, one may stand out as amazing in bed. It's always a gamble. This makes the repeat sexual encounter with a partner you've already been with, even if casual, much more enticing.

Where guys screw this up
If you've had sex with a woman in the past and she decides to fuck you again, appreciate it for what it is and DO NOT turn it into something it isn't just to continue getting laid. If both of you really like each other and want a relationship, great! To be sure, this should be discussed prior to sex--not in a post-coital afterglow.

If you were not a good "couple", don't entertain the fantasy of getting back together!! Approach the new sex as a fuck buddy situation and be grateful she chose you. Unfortunately, too many men think the woman will not choose him again if he is honest about this. If she already did, she is cool with sex-only with you and will respect you more for being upfront and not toying with her emotions. Soak it up, enjoy, and don't fuck up the scenario.

Pretending to want anything more (if you don't) is an invitation for heartbreak and drama. On the flip side if you want to see her more, after you've had sex is the time to bring it up. I say after because if she doesn't feel the same, discussing during will ruin the sex for her and will put you in the future No category. Pay attention to the signs; it's easy to figure out if she wants more. Honesty here is always respected.

Getting on the list - Staying on the list
So, you don't want a relationship but you want to have sex? As most guys know, getting in isn't always simple. To make it worse, it's easy for a Maybe to turn himself into a No. Believe it or not, most guys are pushy or come off as desperate, possibly without even realizing it. This rarely works. When it does the girl either feels date raped or she gave you a one-time pity fuck (if you are lucky).

Be fun. Women like to have fun. Make it clear upfront that you don't like drama but you do like to play (this could be a general statement, it shouldn't put her on the spot). The guy who shows interest in his actions without constantly bringing it up or being pushy has the greatest chance of becoming her next Yes.

Once there, to be her future go-to man, make sure you put on a performance in bed. If you fuck her brains out, she will call you again and again. Relationship not needed.

"Hot blonde stripper looking for a female "friend with benefits" - Las Vegas"

I have been trying to place an ad on Match.com for the past few days. It seems that everything is considered explicit. I should have posted my original ad here. It was the raciest. It's against Match.com's policy to place an ad just looking for sex. How silly is that?


My first try went something like this:

I'm an attractive blonde stripper seeking another very attractive lady for adult play. I am not looking for anything serious, just something fun and casual. Let's experiment! I am fit and have a very voluptuous curvy figure. You should be gorgeous! Even though I've been with a lot of women, I still consider myself an amateur and would love to have a single girlfriend to gather quality experience and learn more from. There's no such thing as too much practice!

After NUMEROUS edits, I'm still getting disqualifying emails:

Thanks for submitting your profile. We’re currently unable to publish your submission because a portion of what you wrote violates our Terms of Use http://www.match.com/registration/membagr.aspx.

Your profile contains:

· Telephone numbers, street addresses, first and/or last names, URLs and/or email addresses
· Sexually explicit material of any kind (descriptions of body parts, sexual acts, etc.)
· Patently offensive language (promotes racism, bigotry, etc)
· Solicitation of business opportunities
· Solicitation of “escort” type services
· Reference to inflicting bodily injury to yourself/others

I'm an attractive blonde seeking another very attractive lady who's interested in going out and having fun. I am not looking for a really serious relationship, just a something fun and casual. Let's experiment! I am fit and have a very voluptuous curvy figure. You should be gorgeous! I consider myself an amateur and would love to have a single girlfriend to gather quality experience and learn more from.

Here is my most recent edit (may still get rejected):

I'm an attractive blonde seeking another very attractive lady who's interested in going out dancing, shopping, and who knows.... I am fit and have a very curvy figure. You should be gorgeous! I'm a stripper and would prefer a lady with similar lifestyle. Let's have fun!

My photos keep being rejected too:

We apologize but at this time we are unable to add the photo you submitted to your profile. Please submit another photo or crop yours to meet the following guidelines:

FOR YOUR PRIMARY PHOTO
- Your face must be visible (no sunglasses, both eyes must be visible)
- No nudity, sheer or otherwise "see-through" material
- No drawings, caricatures or other illustrations
- No copyrighted images

FOR OTHER PHOTOS
- No nudity, sheer or otherwise "see-through" material
- No copyrighted images

We will not post any photo we feel is too suggestive or explicit.


It's amazing. Even a bra that covers more than a bikini top is considered too suggestive! How am I supposed to find a casual girlfriend without sexy pics?


My 4th pic just got denied. I hope with the tame ad and boring pic I'll have to put up I don't attract a lesbian looking for a serious relationship. I don't want that at all......



Grrrrrrrr...... They just switched my heading to read "Hot blonde looking for a female - Las Vegas"

That is much different than my original "Hot blonde stripper looking for a female "friend with benefits" - Las Vegas". It sounds like I don't have any standards.. I switched it to "Gorgeous Hot Model looking for same - Las Vegas". Hopefully that stays. This is so tough!