I am alive

Someone recently started a rumor that I died. I do not know who did this. Could be a coincidence, yet seems more sinister. The link which was used as supporting proof had an image (she looks a LOT like me) with a second hidden file embedded inside. All very strange...

For those who believed it because they didn't enter in TrixieRacer.com into their URL bar to see for themselves,  please do not be sheep. If you believe whatever you are told without verifying (as in this instance), imagine where else in life people are lying to you and taking advantage of your gullibility.

This is my 17th public blog post since the date it is rumored I died. For those who follow me on Twitter, I have tweeted at least a few hundred times since that date.

Self-medicating to cope after a loved one dies

It's been 10 years since my sister died. It's also been 10 years since my lover died. 2005 was a tough year. Both died by suicide. A lot can happen in 10 years. What does death do to us? It's not predictable and never the same.

Over the next few years, I handled these deaths by self-medicating: drinking a lot, using drugs, and involving myself in unhealthy relationships. Since I lived in Las Vegas, self-medication was the norm and acceptable behavior. My real support system dwindled and was replaced by people who also didn't care about themselves. Secretly I wanted to die, but since my loved ones had taken their own lives, I knew that killing myself would be too painful for those who cared about me. If I overdosed, it would be less painful. I had a relationship with a man who wanted to pimp me (thankfully I got away). I needed love and a lifesaver, yet was too broken to recognize those who wanted to take advantage.

It took me longer than normal to recover from these deaths because, due to self-medication, I didn't grieve the way I should have. Experiencing the stages of grief is essential for recovery. I was in horrible pain, so self-medicating felt like the right thing to do at the time. However, it was directly because of it that I didn't heal sooner. Fast forward to now. I've been sober 6 years. Despite going through some major hardships, I live a happy, drama-free life. My support system is small, but excellent. Life is good.

Even when everything seems hopeless, even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you have choices. How you move forward does make a difference. If you choose to self-medicate, it will get you through but it will extend the hurt. If you don't, you will hurt more intently, but it won't last for nearly as long.

Open letter to my ex's wife

When he and I started dating, I honestly believed that the two of you were separated. I apologize if that was not true.

The day you told me he died, I was so nervous talking to my boyfriend's wife that I said a few things which were inaccurate in an attempt to lessen your pain and make you think we were just a fling. In hindsight, I realize that doing so might have even caused more heartache for you. I am sorry.

Your husband was an excellent man. I loved him so much that I completely fell apart after his death. He was one of the highlights of my life, I feel lucky to have shared time with him, and I always remember him with happy memories. While you don't read my blog, maybe the energy of what I am writing will be released into the universe and give you some level of peace.

The Old Man Passed

There are so many memories, and they all make me smile. He lived a full great life.

Don't forget these moms on Mothers Day

Mothers Day comes only once per year. Even if you rarely communicate with your mom, you should go out of your way to make her feel special today. And, after you have, other "forgotten" moms deserve recognition too:

(1) Single dads. Yes, they are both the mother and the father of the children they raise.

(2) Widowers who lost the mother of their children, and children/adults who've lost their mother. Share a happy memory you have of her with the survivors and offer a hug.

(3) Any woman whose child passed away (either as a child or as an adult) especially needs to be acknowledged. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten giving birth nor her parenting memories. A lot of people are afraid that saying something may make her depressed. In reality, not saying anything will cause the greatest saddest and make her feel as if nobody remembers.

Make more than just your mom feel loved today. Happy Mother's Day!

Cracker Jacks

2005 and 2006 were very tough years for me. Among other catastrophes, a few of my loved ones died unexpectedly. While I won't ever "get over" their deaths, eventually I stopped self-medicating and learned healthy coping and acceptance.

As part of my sobriety, I receive a daily "gift" email. Here's today's:

"Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box."
-- Alpha English
It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment. It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years. Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief. I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.

Being the anniversary of my sister's death, today's message hit home. Some surprises are good, some bad, some wonderful, others horrific. Often you can't change what happened. Living a good life, being kind to people, having a quality support system, and remaining positive, are the secrets to enjoying the prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks box.

Karebears

April 20th is a day that stoners across the world celebrate because 420 is the "code word" for smoking marijuana. Even when I still smoked weed, 4/20 was a day that I took off from smoking. For me, it doesn't symbolize pot--today is the anniversary of when my little sister died.

While I have always been bright, she was much smarter than me. A true genius and very charismatic. When she was sixteen years old, she was the top telemarketer for a major company and earned $40,000/year working part-time. She started the GLBT student union at her high school. She went to the national finals for her school's mock attorney debate team. She had a 4.0. She was a stock broker at 21. Her accomplishments are too numerous for me to list.

We were rivals from birth. As we grew up, I playfully referred to her as "the bad sister" and she called me "mweanie" in return. I loved her dearly but, due to the competitive nature of our relationship, I could never express it. That is one of the few regrets in my life.



I knew when my 40 days of Lent started that today would be the big challenge. *sigh* Tomorrow would've been the last day, and today I masturbated twice. Doh! Was it because I am stressed with grief? Or because I went on a date yesterday and didn't even get a kiss? 39 days is still damn good, though, so I'm not too disappointed with myself. Next year I will do this again. :)

Grandparents sometimes make the best mentors

My grandmother passed away today. She was 88 and my favorite family member. Such a feisty lady! Despite making an emergency trip to see her before she died, I did not make it in time. *cry*   I will be there for her funeral. This also allows me extra time to spend with my other family members whom I don't see often enough. My grandma was such a remarkable lady, and I feel blessed for all the time I've spent with her. She has been an inspiration for me. I love you grandma.

eclipsed

Isn't it strange how one day will be so great and the next your whole world can crash down? The greatness is still there but the new negative consumes all your thoughts.



Everybody goes through times in their lives when they need a friend to lean on. Right now is one of those times for me. Today I received horrible news. Unfortunately, the majority of my closest friends are too messed up to be supportive. Most of my life whenever I've needed someone to lean on I've been alone (Summer of 2009 was an exception). There is nobody around again but the main difference this time is that I am sober and plan on staying so. I pray that is enough to keep me strong...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

What do you say when someone dies?

So far during my life a handful of people whom I loved very much and were close to me have died. Most people don't know how to react after a death. Knowing now how to be a supportive friend through loss is an important social skill. Acting inappropriately can actually hurt the survivor worse.

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Words to Comfort Someone Grieving

It is interesting that the one thing we are certain about in this life is that it will end yet when that happens we are never prepared. Emotionally we just don’t seem to be well equipped to deal with such a loss, we either fall apart or head straight for denial. But, in reality, falling apart or going through denial is all part of the normal process of grieving. Grief is a normal, healthy response to loss and we need to understand how to best deal with it in order to provide comfort to someone who is grieving.

And, as a matter of fact, loss can come in many forms. As devastating as the death of a loved one can be, any life altering experience can trigger a sense or feeling of loss that will trigger the same sense of grief and will send that person through the same 7 stages of grief as experienced through the loss of a loved one. “Other losses include the loss of your health or the health of someone you care about, or the end of a relationship, such as a marriage or even friendship. Healing from a loss involves coming to terms with the loss and the meaning of the loss in your life.”

So the question is how do we deal with or what do we say to a close friend or family member who has just experienced a loss? Many of us have no idea what to say or how to handle the situation. It is difficult to know what words you should say to comfort someone grieving. I think it is natural to feel uncomfortable and unsure in this type of situation. We have so much fear wrapped up around death or any kind of loss in our society that it is difficult to know how to handle our own emotional response much less know how to support another person who is grieving. But, there are simple and effective ways to help someone who is coping with loss.

Below is a simple list of DO’s and DON’TS that you may find helpful when dealing with someone who is experiencing a loss:


DO:

Act natural. I know you may not feel comfortable but the more uncomfortable you are the harder it is on the grieving individual.

Allow the person to talk about his grief and express his or her feelings. Try to listen without offering advice or interrupting. The worse thing you can do is start talking about yourself. Focus on LISTENING and offer your love patiently and unconditionally.

Be patient with the grieving person's changing moods. It’s normal for someone who is grieving to alternate between anger, sadness, numbness and acceptance.” Give the person as much time as he or she needs to grieve. There is no time limit on grieving and telling him or her to 'get over it' or 'let it go' won't help him or her grieve any faster.

Show genuine concern and affection if the person seems open to it. Try offering hugs or an arm around the shoulder, as appropriate. If he or she seems uninterested or irritated don’t take it personally, it is a natural part of the grieving process.

Sometimes silence is what the grieving person wants. There is so much going on that a moment of peace and quiet can be the one thing they need. Sitting silently next to him or her and just being close can be very comforting.

Offer to help but be specific. It can seem overwhelming and stressful to have people keep asking what can I do to help you. When you are grieving you may have no idea what would be helpful or not. Because grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience, suggest something specific. It is hard for many people to ask for help.


Be the one who takes the initiative to:

* Call from time to time and just to check in
* Offer to run errands or get groceries
* Drop off food don’t wait to be asked
* Stop by and baby-sit the kids
* Offer to go along to a bereavement group with them
* Go for walks or enjoy a physical activity
* Do a fun activity with them that you know they really enjoy maybe a game or going to the movies
* Encourage socializing but only when the person feels ready

Keep in mind how difficult holidays and weekends can be for them. Try to be available for support or just spending time with them on these days.

If you recognize that the grieving person is experiencing depression, urge him or her to get professional help. This is only if they seem unable to function in day-to-day life. You may want to help them set up the appointment and if they ask, go with them.

If you haven't already you may want to send some Flowers and a card it may seem like a small gesture on your part but it really means a lot to the person grieving.


DON’T:

Try to avoid the bereaved person. It only makes them feel more isolated and alone. This is a time that they need all the love and support you can muster. Try to put your personal discomfort aside and think about the other person.

Pry into personal matters. Allow the grieving person to share what they choose to and just be there to support them. You can ask questions but think before you talk!

Ask questions about the circumstances of the death. Talk openly about the person who passed but not necessarily the circumstances unless they bring it up.


DON’T SAY:

* "I know how you feel." Truthfully, you don’t know how they feel no one does whether you have been through a loss before or not! Don’t be surprised if the turn around and scream, “YOU don’t know how I feel, no one knows how bad I feel!”

* “You should.” or “Time heals all wounds.” offering advice or quick solutions just ends up frustrating and upsetting the grieving person.

* “At least he’s no longer in pain.” or “She’s in a better place now.” Or “It was God’s timing/will.” Trying to cheer the person up or distract from the emotional intensity only helps to prolong the grieving process and may even alienate them from you.

* “Oh, it’s not that bad.” Or “You’ll be ok.” Or “Things will go back to normal before you know it.” Or “It will get better." Grieving people know this intellectually, but in their heart, they may feel so lost and alone. These statements tend to minimize the loss and could upset the grieving person and they may even feel frustrated and angry with you.

* "Just call me if there is anything I can do." In the midst of grief, you just can’t think straight and you have no idea what you need. It’s up to you to call and if the grieving person does not want to speak with anyone, he or she will not answer the phone. If they don’t answer, the phone just leave a supportive message and let them know you are thinking about them

* "Don't cry." It is uncomfortable and painful to see someone you care about cry but telling him or her not to cry only prolongs the process and does not support the natural grieving process that needs to occur.


DO SAY:

* I am sorry
* Tell me how I can help; I want to be here for you.
* ___________ was a good person and friend of mine. I will miss him or her.
* Would you like a hug?
* Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through something like this and can only imagine.
* It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready.
* “I love you” (if you are close enough)
* talk openly and directly about the person who died

Supporting a friend or family member through the grieving process is one of the most selfless things you can do. It will never be forgotten and likely will help build a bond that will last a lifetime.

Source: http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/words-to-comfort-someone-grieving.html

Never Fade Away

Today is the two year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend's death. Considering I'm in a relationship now, it shocks me that I'm doing so poorly.


*cry*









These lyrics are fitting:

A Covenant of Thorns - Never Fade Away


A crack in the ice
My life's turned upside-down
I sense your warmth in my soul
Love's gentle hand leads me on my way
For the first time in years I don't feel alone

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long to hear you laugh
I never dreamt it would be so hard
Things that you've said
They echo through my head
Like a soothing reminder of who you were
And you have always been the kindest person I've ever known
You stood up for me when no one would

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long for your words of wisdom
I never dreamt it would hurt so much
All this time has made it easier
I hope you know I will always love you
And all this time has made me miss you more
I hope you know you will never fade away

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long for my childhood
I never dreamt it would be so cold
All this time has made it easier
I hope you know I will always love you
And all this time has made me miss you more
I hope you know you will never fade away

You will never fade away