Love, lies, respect

What is love? For most of my life I believed that it was feelings for another person. I had many relationships like this. It was mutually beneficial, caring, deep, and real; best friends. But the chemical version of love is much different. You don't need to know the other person at all. My last relationship was the chemical version. In all reality, I know much more about my ex from other people than he ever told me himself. Yet I loved him. How could I love someone I did not really know? Because chemical love isn't for another person but the feelings and emotions that person stirs within yourself. He awoke passion within me, and for that I would have accepted him for whomever he is. The only thing I cannot accept is lies. Does it seem silly to give up so much over so little?

 When someone lies it is because they do not respect you enough to be honest and they think you are too stupid to know the difference. It is the ultimate disrespect. For this reason, it is one of the few behaviors that I will not tolerate. I need an honest reality and to feel respected.

   I have never been one of those women who jumps from relationship to relationship. I am happy being with myself and have never felt the need to have a man to complete me. That doesn't change the fact that I have been lonely. Yet, I choose to stay single until I find someone who is worthy of my energy. 

Open letter to my ex's wife

When he and I started dating, I honestly believed that the two of you were separated. I apologize if that was not true.

The day you told me he died, I was so nervous talking to my boyfriend's wife that I said a few things which were inaccurate in an attempt to lessen your pain and make you think we were just a fling. In hindsight, I realize that doing so might have even caused more heartache for you. I am sorry.

Your husband was an excellent man. I loved him so much that I completely fell apart after his death. He was one of the highlights of my life, I feel lucky to have shared time with him, and I always remember him with happy memories. While you don't read my blog, maybe the energy of what I am writing will be released into the universe and give you some level of peace.

Surprised by the obvious?

Here is a song I have been enjoying a lot lately that plays on the radio often. I thought I knew what it was about until I saw the video. Just like with life; sometimes we make assumptions when the truth (in hindsight) was clearly there if we had only paid enough attention and read between the lines...




People may be scared of themselves, what they might lose, their image, or just in denial, but few are actually honest with others about who they are at their core. The example above just happens to be a really big one. The book, The Four Agreements, reminds us that other people do not think like us. This concept is difficult for me to assimilate.  *sigh*   Sure I know people think differently, but I naturally assume that their motives are pure and that they are as honest and forthright as I am. That is silly because in reality I am assuming they are the exception.

I want WORTH IT!

Not long ago, I started talking with a gentleman who was closer to the My Ideal Partner list than I've met in many years. We discussed the possibility of dating, even though we live very far from each other.

I was actually excited... but my honesty scared him.


Friends say "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" and that I invested emotion too early. People often miss out on what they want most in life is because they are too skeptical to believe it can be real. But sometimes opportunities present themselves & miracles do happen.

I thought he was my unicorn, so I wasn't going to passively wait. I told him how I felt.

Maybe my parents screwed me up by teaching me to be honest with people and expecting the same in return. They certainly didn't prepare me for a world where deception is the norm. I am secretive when I first get to know someone but, once I accept someone into my circle, I am very open about who I am, how I view others, and what I want in life. It might be naive of me to require such honesty from friends and lovers--but it isn't worth keeping people in my life who are not.

 After watching this video, I suspect finding someone who will be "honest with me always" and who is "trustworthy" might be close to impossible. However, I need that in order to be happy with someone and fall in love.

I'm not crazy; I just know what I want. Test taken today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||||| 94% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 55% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 75% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 58% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Conflict seeking || 8% Need to dominate |||||| 25% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 58% Wealth |||||||||||| 41% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 58% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 77% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 66% PeterPan complex || 8% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 75% Artistic 0% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 72% Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Indie |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

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Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

A Man is Only As Good As His Word

 "I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." -- Pietro Aretino  

When you are dishonest about who you are, what you think, and your behaviors, you trick people into believing you are someone you are not. Maybe they would've accepted you for you, or maybe not...but, by lying, you took away their choice. The frequency and severity of your lies directly correlates to the amount of trauma people experience when your lies are discovered. You stole invested time while hurting another human's self-esteem and ability to trust.

It is far more rewarding to have 3 friends who know and love the true you than 3000 who love a fake fabricated shell. The latter isn't real and will eventually crumble. If you lie out of fear, your lies will eventually cause the rejection or loss you are trying to avoid--and maybe even worse.




A man is only as good as his word

When I make the choice to let someone new into my inner world, I let that person in completely. This is unusual and some people don't believe it. Afterall, if I exposed THAT, what must I really be hiding? I am shocked by this pessimistic view of the world. Yes I put myself at higher risk of getting hurt by unscrupulous people but, at the same time, I open myself up to real connection that otherwise wouldn't be possible.

The dos and don'ts of internet dating

When people decide to use the internet to find a potential partner, many don't know what to do. It's easier than you might think! Here is your short guide: 1) Have a detailed profile. One of the biggest mistakes men often make is not writing enough. There are a disproportionate amount of men on dating sites, so most women get bombarded with attention. Unless your profile says something to stand out and spark interest, most women won't waste their time responding. Also, have a positive tone to your profile; negative comments are a turn off. Writing a quality profile is an investment. 2) The goal is to meet in person, so upload at least one photo. This should go without saying, but sadly many people mess this up so I'll spell it out: THE PHOTO SHOULD BE OF YOU, representative of what you currently look like, and recent!! If someone chooses to meet you after seeing your pics, then your looks are good enough. :)   Using a non-accurate photo says you are dishonest, and most likely will cause your date to be dissapointed in your appearance. In the comment fields it is always good to list the month and year that each picture was taken. 3) Be honest. No matter who you are and what you're looking for, there is someone for everyone. Being honest is essential to finding the most compatible person for you. 4) Smile in your pictures. This is the #1 thing I look for. When a man doesn't smile in his photos, he doesn't seem like a happy person or fun to spend time with. Taking happy photos will bring you better luck. ** Six months ago I took pictures of a friend of mine for his online dating profile. Before that, he never smiled for photos which made him look grumpy/older in his pics. Needless to say, he got little response. A geeky smile--or any kind of unnatural smile--is always more inviting than a non-smile. :)  The way I took new smile pictures was to have my camera ready and I snapped photos whenever he laughed. It took a weekend to get a few good ones, but afterward he had much better dating luck and now has a girlfriend! 5) If you initiate contact with someone, write at least a couple paragraphs. I know, some people are rude and don't reply. However, you are looking for a new PARTNER here, so spend at least a couple minutes to show you're interested. Bring up something specific from their profile that makes you think the two of you will be compatible. Rule of thumb: your message should always be a minimum of 300 characters. Realistically, double the length of a text message or tweet. Sending anything shorter screams "You are not worthy of my time." 6) Reply to all messages that you receive. This one is sometimes tough, especially if you get a lot of messages. However, even a "Thank you for your message, but I am not interested" goes a long way. 7) For the men, always be a gentlemen! It seems few actually know what this means anymore (very sad). Here's a link to remind/teach you: http://www.askmen.com/money/successful/41b_success.html Good luck! Everyone deserves to find that special someone who makes them happy.  :)

New Year Resolutions

The secret to New Years Resolutions is to only commit to changes that you really want.

Every year people make New Year resolutions that they are unable to stick to. No, that's not accurate.. Every year people make New Year resolutions that they are unwilling to stick to. We make choices in life; if your New Year resolution is to eat better or exercise--and then you don't, it's because you chose not to stick to it. This means that making a resolution that you don't want to stick to is either torturing yourself or lying to yourself.

What is my New Year resolution for 2013? I will stop hitting curbs with my tire or rim. It's not that I am particularly a bad driver, I just haven't been careful enough when parking. My goal is reasonable and I am ready to make this change. Since January 1st, I've been parking while consciously paying attention to where my tires are (in the past I would focus on why I was parking instead of being active in the moment). This is an easy change which only requires dedication. In a few weeks, my brain should be re-programmed to always park this way.  :)

Why did I not choose eating properly or exercise, like millions of other people? Easy. I do these things already. Well, at least 90% of the time.  Not because they were successful during a previous New Year resolution, but because this is the lifestyle I've trained myself to be happy with.

Making resolutions is awesome. It is a way every year to fix something about yourself...something that you are ready to change and are willing to tackle all year long.

Sex on the side

Just because someone is married, does that mean he or she should never have sex with anyone else again? Many would say yes, but I disagree. Marriage should be a beautiful symbiotic arrangement--not a prison sentence.



Men with young kids at home should strive to be the best dad possible by staying married and always keeping peace at home. Families require stability. Unless their wives are extremely open-minded, this means they are limited to a lifetime of monogamy or secret affairs.

For a married man to have a successful secret affair:
(1) He needs to have a job with varying hours. This allows plenty of time for a mistress without arousing suspicion.

(2) His mistress has to understand that he's married and be quiet when his wife calls. A husband not answering calls or refusing to talk is just plain dumb.

(3) He needs to only have safe sex or make sure that he and anyone he's having sex with has been tested for STDs.

(4) Never bring the mistress back to the family home. A wife would consider this the ultimate betrayal.

(5) Make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. No drama--only fantasies, romance, and fun. The wife is the one he lives his daily life with. His mistress is his "secret get-a-way from reality" and he should spoil her generously.

(6) Hiring a professional call girl is the safest route. Wives often desire revenge against husbands who have other "relationships" on the side. Whereas, should he ever get caught, the wife is much more likely to forgive him for hiring a hooker.

Sometimes having extramarital affairs can enrich your marriage. Seriously. They remind you why you love your partner so much, and, by experiencing another, you can show that renewed sense of love when you get back home. The key here is to do it without risking your current relationship and lifestyle. This can be tricky.

Personally, I am polyamorous and am honest when I feel the need to go elsewhere. I also understand if a partner feels the need for variety. Nobody owns me and I don't own anyone else. Sadly, few people are able to be that honest within their marriages without their partner freaking out. :(

Meant to be single?

When I find a man I like enough to date, I can be very flirty and aggressive. Some men are suspicious and worry when it doesn't take a lot of work to win a woman over that she must not be worthy of being with. Either that, or they have such low self-esteem that they can't believe a beautiful woman truly likes them for them. Very strange. Luckily, since I don't want to be with a man so suspicious or with low-self esteem, my aggressive style helps to weed them out. :)

I am me, upfront, honest, and go after what I want in life. If a man doesn't have these same qualities, we probably won't be compatible. I certainly don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't totally into me. Why is it that people generally want to have to fight to win their partners? The way I look at it...if I have to convince someone to like me, we are not meant to be--and I move on.

Often I wonder if I am meant to be single. I'm not anti-relationship; I am picky. Trying to date is often too much drama and I hate drama. If I'm going to spend my time with someone, he needs to be worth it for me. I am not one of those women who hops into one relationship right after the last. During the past 10 years, I have been single for five, in serious relationships for four, and in an open relationship for one.

If my fuck buddy were local, I doubt I would try to date at all. While I don't mind being alone, my 10-speed purple vibrator gets old...

How many sex partners have you had?

Maybe it's natural curiosity to want to know.. I don't know. I've NEVER asked a sex partner how many there were before me. Why? It's none of my business!! Nor will I answer that question for anyone else.

Guys are so silly. Most of them want a girl who has only had sex with a few men. Because of this, the average woman will lie and say 3-7. Yet how quickly did she sleep with you? Some men believe that a woman should have sex with them within three dates. First of all, I completely disagree with this and usually hold off for months when I want to pursue a relationship with a man. Second, any guy who believes that a woman who slept with him so early has only had a few sex partners is lying to himself.

Get the numbers. A woman is 30. She claims she lost her virginity at 17 and that she has only had 4 partners. Most of her relationships have lasted 3 years. Hmmmm. 13 years divided by 3 equals 4.333. This is plausible enough for you to believe her. Now--really think about it. How long did she wait before having sex with you? Do you believe that every single guy she fucked was a good guy and serious about a relationship? Does she ever go out and party? Did she? Does she have any "bad girl" girlfriends?



Instead of caring how many sex partners your girlfriend had before you, all that you should care about is who she is fucking now. Is it only you? Do you care if she has sex with other people? Is she disease-free? If you both agree to the sexual terms of your relationship, nothing else should matter.

NEVER ASK QUESTIONS WHEN YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ACCEPT ANY ANSWER. Women: this goes for you too. Don't look down on a guy because he admits to having hired hookers. Most men have. Get over it. You should be grateful for his honesty. People are not born great lovers; it takes time and experimentation.

If your partner is good in bed without needing additional "training", consider yourself lucky and don't stress!

The Game of Life

What determines whether or not someone is successful? Is it money? A great job? Possessions? A trophy spouse? Kids?
There are winners and losers in the game of life. Losers, while often successful, spend their lives pretending to be who others expect them to be. Winners celebrate their individuality and live their dreams.

People say that life doesn't come with a road map. Yes it does! The signs are as clear as can be when you look for them. That's the problem, often people don't want to look. I mean REALLY LOOK. It's easier to believe what we want to believe or what we were taught...but that doesn't make it the truth. Who are you at your core? What do you really want in life? What steps will get you there? Deep inside you know; pretending otherwise is what messes people up inside. Stand up and live! Claim yourself every step of the way. Be the person who makes you most proud.

Drama-free sex

Is has been said that a woman knows within the first 5 minutes whether or not she will have sex with you. This is not accurate. The reality is that a woman knows right away when she will NOT have sex with you. Otherwise, you go into a "Yes" or "Maybe" category. The immediate Yes list usually requires exceptional looks or tons of money. Expect it to take a lot of time and energy to turn a Maybe into a Yes. All the while, at any time you can screw up and re-categorize yourself to No. Once you're a No, that is permanent. It is a slippery line and you rarely get status updates.

If a woman does have sex with you, you are now on "the list". This means that whenever she gets horny in the future, she'll often choose from her list instead of a random new guy. Why? Two reasons: (1) Most women don't want to raise their number of partners; and (2) Sexual skill isn't as common as one would hope. For every 10 guys you have sex with, one may stand out as amazing in bed. It's always a gamble. This makes the repeat sexual encounter with a partner you've already been with, even if casual, much more enticing.

Where guys screw this up
If you've had sex with a woman in the past and she decides to fuck you again, appreciate it for what it is and DO NOT turn it into something it isn't just to continue getting laid. If both of you really like each other and want a relationship, great! To be sure, this should be discussed prior to sex--not in a post-coital afterglow.

If you were not a good "couple", don't entertain the fantasy of getting back together!! Approach the new sex as a fuck buddy situation and be grateful she chose you. Unfortunately, too many men think the woman will not choose him again if he is honest about this. If she already did, she is cool with sex-only with you and will respect you more for being upfront and not toying with her emotions. Soak it up, enjoy, and don't fuck up the scenario.

Pretending to want anything more (if you don't) is an invitation for heartbreak and drama. On the flip side if you want to see her more, after you've had sex is the time to bring it up. I say after because if she doesn't feel the same, discussing during will ruin the sex for her and will put you in the future No category. Pay attention to the signs; it's easy to figure out if she wants more. Honesty here is always respected.

Getting on the list - Staying on the list
So, you don't want a relationship but you want to have sex? As most guys know, getting in isn't always simple. To make it worse, it's easy for a Maybe to turn himself into a No. Believe it or not, most guys are pushy or come off as desperate, possibly without even realizing it. This rarely works. When it does the girl either feels date raped or she gave you a one-time pity fuck (if you are lucky).

Be fun. Women like to have fun. Make it clear upfront that you don't like drama but you do like to play (this could be a general statement, it shouldn't put her on the spot). The guy who shows interest in his actions without constantly bringing it up or being pushy has the greatest chance of becoming her next Yes.

Once there, to be her future go-to man, make sure you put on a performance in bed. If you fuck her brains out, she will call you again and again. Relationship not needed.

I am ready to start dating again

Even before my first kiss, I read "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" and "Men in Love". Monogamy isn't natural so trust and honesty are key. The movie, "Chasing Amy", fits me and my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences and have few regrets.. In "The Banger Sisters", I am internally both women. "The Ethical Slut" is the handbook which best describes how I view relationships. Men who date me can never deal with the reality of who I was and am now. Lately, I have been seriously considering living as a lesbian.

In order to be anything other than just a fuck, I need to spend months getting to know the other person first. This is non-negotiable. My partner and I should be best friends. If we are best friends first AND have chemistry, everything else will be there.

I want a life partner; someone I can count on always.