A woman's body image and how easy it is to ruin

Las Vegas is a world famous adult playground. Working there can bring in big money, but it comes at a price. Vegas is all image and people pride themselves on being hustlers. Being fake is the norm. Everyone is judged--on looks, body, age, money, car, who you're sleeping with--not only did I hate living there, it ruined my normal healthy body image.

From stripping at the top Las Vegas gentlemen's clubs, I saw it all. I worked at Crazy Horse Too, Olympic Garden, Sapphire, and Spearmint Rhino. I was at the top clubs at the right times. Crazy Horse Too is the best club I have ever worked at. They treated their ladies with more respect than is experienced in this industry; it was excellent for my mental health and self-esteem. I worked there up until the day they closed.

On the polar opposite end of the spectrum was Spearmint Rhino. It was a toxic environment. There were actually a few occasions when the morning manager at Spearmint Rhino came up to me while I was on stage (!!) and told me I needed to lose weight before my next shift. Are you kidding me?!? I have curves, not rolls.

This is what I looked like at that time:

Instead of being brushing it off as an asshole Spearmint Rhino manager being a jerk when he was lucky enough to get hired at a top US strip club, it scarred me for life. Here are a few more pictures from the past: 

Because of these negative experiences, now I can't stop critiquing myself; it is ingrained and automatic. I am writing this as a real woman. A real woman who, with a pin-up body, was given a body image complex. Back then I was in the gym a few hours every day. Currently, all I have time for is an hour a day. Knowing that I don't look my personal best messes with me a lot. I'm in pretty good shape and not fat, but again...if my body wasn't good enough when it looked like that, how can I ever be satisfied?

By the way, the image below is what I was expected to look like (obviously less "fat" than above). I haven't looked like that since I quit smoking weed. 

(Quitting pot immediately made me gain 10 pounds that hasn't left me since. *sigh*)

Few women share their insecurities. I wrote this to bring awareness to the damage that can be done to the feminine ego. A joke to a man can seriously hurt a woman. She may not tell you, yet your words may still ring in her head decades later. Hundreds of compliments can't undue the damage of one well-placed insult.

Why I dropped out of college

I had norovirus all last week and, since I had so much down time, I pulled up Season 1 of Ally McBeal on NetFlix. When it was on TV over a decade ago, it was my favorite show. Watching it again has gotten me to think quite a bit. It is strange how years can go by before you realize what actually happened in your life.

When I met my ex (I'll call him Mr. Racer for this article), I was a college senior, serious about school, and had many more years of education planned. I also had a great job. After I started dating Mr. Racer, I pretty much stopped going to school completely and focused on adultwork. It hadn't occurred to me until now how much he played a role in that.

My last semester at University was a few months after Mr. Racer moved in. He did not like me being at school. He said the amount of stress that I experienced during school and with deadlines was too much for him. He encouraged me to ask for a raise at my marketing job and helped me with Adult business. He is the one who invented Trixie Racer and eventually suggested we move to Las Vegas so I could strip full-time. Since he couldn't qualify to purchase a condo there, I bought one in my name. We broke up at the end of 2005--and I was stuck having paid top dollar for a condo in a collapsing city.

We didn't talk for 4 years. During that time, I went back to school, took computer classes, and received certifications for A+, Network+, and Security+. After Mr. Racer and I started living together again, I told him it was important for me to keep my certifications current, but he would not allow me study time. He also knew that I wanted to go back to school as soon as I was legally considered a resident of the state we were in for tuition purposes. The first semester I would have qualified for was this semester: Spring 2014.

I'm not sure if it was because of my love for him, or not wanting to believe that our relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't occur to me until recently that Mr. Racer basically sabotaged my education. Obviously I must take responsibility in this too--since I allowed him. Even though I am a strong woman, I have a submissive side which naively trusted that his intentions were pure. From this sad realization, I also know now--without a doubt--that Mr. Racer never actually loved me. Love is encouraging and helping the person you love to succeed and achieve to be the very best they can, even if it means that their improved self won't want you in his/her life anymore. Love is totally selfless. He didn't do that at all. He discouraged me from growing into who I naturally am and molded me into what he wanted me to be.

I won't say that I never enjoyed stripping. Some times it was really fun and I met a lot of great people. At the same time, doing that for work never gave me the same satisfaction as college or my marketing job. I love to learn and use my brain. By working in Vegas strip clubs, I basically had the same, simple, monotonous conversations with drunk men every night. I was no longer valued for my brain; only for my body and my ability to move it. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had dated somebody who had supported my going to school. :(   

In the near future, I will be re-entering college. This time around I know that if anyone tries to stop me it will be for their own selfish reasons--and not in my best interest. That applies to all forms of improvement. When someone doesn't support you improving, it means they prefer you to be stagnant or regress; either way, it's a sure red flag and you should run.

Listen to the words

Everybody has liked a song--even caught themselves singing the chorus--without ever really paying attention to all the words. That was my experience today when I finally heard this song's story for the first time. The lyrics portray the sad life of an attractive female drug addict. This is the life of too many. Reminds me of Vegas.

 

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste

Lights gone, days end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen

But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream 

The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And she don't want to go outside, tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, for angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes

Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen 

But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream 

The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
But she don't want to go outside, tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
Its too cold outside
For angels to fly

An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life

This time, we'll fade out tonight
Straight down the line

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen 

But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
They scream 

The worst things in life come free to us
And we're all under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And we don't want to go outside, tonight

And in the pipe we fly to the motherland
We sell love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, angels to fly 

To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Angels to die  

Someone recently asked me if I was still sober

I appreciate that people care and are concerned for me. Yes! I have three years sobriety for alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy sex.

Alcohol. My biggest triggers were Las Vegas and bad relationships. Once I quit stripping in Vegas (choosing to work in small towns instead), I broke the habit of drinking at work. At the time I decided to get sober, I also left an unhealthy relationship. This was eye-opening and it was a long time before I felt ready to commit again. While I miss drinking the occasional SweetWater Blue, for the most part not drinking is easy. No triggers = no desire.

Sometimes I miss weed. It's true. I have the opportunity often, yet always turn it down. Having ADD, weed gave me tons of energy. After I quit smoking, I immediately gained 10 pounds that I haven't been able to lose since.  *sigh*  Also, marijuana enhanced my sexual pleasure so much that I could even orgasm from giving head. I miss that! On the bright side, I am always sober and alert. I do not need to self-medicate and I remember much more.

This year at Burning Man I met a gorgeous man. It is rare that I look at a man and think "WOW!" So rare, in fact, that I can remember each one throughout my lifetime. This guy was that quality of eye candy! I've never had sex at Burning Man, and it had been awhile since I'd gotten laid in my personal life. But -- I am successfully reformed! No OMGHSH sex, no Craigslist sex, no sex without commitment. I did take lots of pictures of him, though.. ;)

(picture of me taken by a fellow Burner)

Now that I am no longer stripping, I work full-time cooking and cleaning for the man in my life. Whoever said "You can't turn a whore into a housewife" was wrong.  :-p  Ok, so I wasn't a whore, but close enough in most people's eyes.

My life is simple and drama-free. Nobody causes me stress (those who had were phased out long ago). I am healthy, sober, and happy. Everyday I am grateful.

Selfless Act for Lent

I was thinking "I can't afford to donate, I'm barely making it right now." Then I looked down at my KFC tray and realized I'm just fooling myself. Even if it's just a small donation (like that of a single fast food meal), it all adds up. If you're reading this, even if it's just a dollar, HELP THEM OUT! They are good people with a quality message. :)

Hustlers

Since the porn conventions are in town I am taking several days off to hang out with friends. Last night's party was at the new Hustler Club. Being inside a gentlemen's club totally puts me in my element. I wasn't stripping--I was there as a customer. Needless to say, I had a blast! The Hustler Club is Vegas's newest mega-strip club: multi-level with several stages going at once and hundreds of girls. It was a fun time. While I didn't bring my camera, several other people did. (Note: Cameras are NOT allowed in strip clubs. The private party I was with was granted an exception.)



There were a few Reno dancers at Hustler. It was great seeing them! I miss Wild Orchid so I may drive up to Reno next weekend to work.

XBIZ Vegas

It's been a long while since I've attended a porn convention. While I had no intention on attending this one, due to circumstances I was nearby. Since I was driving in from Northern California, I swung by Los Angeles and picked up Roy Karch.


For those of you who do not already know, he is THE MAN! He and I are exactly alike, he's just 30 years older, a man, and is the one responsible for bringing porn into your bedroom! Having shot over 600 films, Roy Karch is the longest standing porn director in the Industry.



D-Money invited me to the Players' Ball. Too $hort performed. I've seen him lots of times at Players' Balls and at the Playboy Mansion but he always puts on a great show. It was fun seeing so many friends.

I met a super hot and playful porn star: Ashley Fires. She is truly MUCH more beautiful than her pictures (and I am still sober--so this is an accurate statement, lol). To top it off, her personality is incredible. Amazing.


In case it isn't entirely obvious, I'm looking forward to seeing her again! ;)

Get on the guest list in Vegas!!

Get bottle and table reservations!
Here is your direct link NO middle man !
here are the phone numbers to the club hosts!
who will be more than happy to take care of you!


Tao Larson Legris (702)343-1422

Lavo Larson Legris (702)343-1422

Prive' Logan Campbell (702)523-1041

Pure Brandon Ring (702)289-5546

LAX Brandon Grady (702)289-2009

XS Patrick Frank (702)280-3704

Tryst Patrick Frank (702)280-3704

JET Dave Roberts (702)321-6964

The Bank Robert Gamch (650)703-2774

Drai's A.K (702)630-3529

Moon Shawn Olyaie (702)812-3679
Playboy club
Ghost bar
Rain

Tabu James Highes (702)449-0181

Blush Robert Montero (702)612-2789

Body English Justin Crews (303)229-0618

Wasted Space Chad Dallas (405)408-4958

Brought to you by www.vegaspartycrew.net

Tomorrow I fly back to Vegas

I will not have internet access there. :(

When the place changes...

Don't you hate when the very best place changes? You know, the little hole in the wall mom-and-pop shop with food to die for.. My favorite delivery place of all time has recently changed. They raised their prices 20% while cutting down portion sizes about the same. Maybe the heat of the recession got to them and they are making a last ditch effort to not go under. But they are going about it all wrong; they've lost me as a loyal customer.

Foreclosure

Thinking about my options.........

Seriously considering letting a second house foreclose—most likely the condo I'm living in. Tough choice.. But the spare condo has equity and I'm upside down in this one.


\
===> Anyone want to buy a condo?
(Click here for pics)






:-(

Stripper Trixie

At work, I have this presence about me. I walk slowly with my back straight, head aligned with my spine, belly tucked in and pulled up, chin up, and always making eye contact. My flow is so natural, I ooze such confidence, men are drawn to me. They want to spend time with me. They need to get to know me better and are willing to spend money for the privilege -- no contact.


Ultra-slow movement. Seduction. Every angle must look good, as if posing for a camera. Slow. Holding each pose long enough for mental capture. Eye contact.
- or -
HIGH Energy. The music commands my body, I have no control. Nirvana.