My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

Sex on the side

Just because someone is married, does that mean he or she should never have sex with anyone else again? Many would say yes, but I disagree. Marriage should be a beautiful symbiotic arrangement--not a prison sentence.



Men with young kids at home should strive to be the best dad possible by staying married and always keeping peace at home. Families require stability. Unless their wives are extremely open-minded, this means they are limited to a lifetime of monogamy or secret affairs.

For a married man to have a successful secret affair:
(1) He needs to have a job with varying hours. This allows plenty of time for a mistress without arousing suspicion.

(2) His mistress has to understand that he's married and be quiet when his wife calls. A husband not answering calls or refusing to talk is just plain dumb.

(3) He needs to only have safe sex or make sure that he and anyone he's having sex with has been tested for STDs.

(4) Never bring the mistress back to the family home. A wife would consider this the ultimate betrayal.

(5) Make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. No drama--only fantasies, romance, and fun. The wife is the one he lives his daily life with. His mistress is his "secret get-a-way from reality" and he should spoil her generously.

(6) Hiring a professional call girl is the safest route. Wives often desire revenge against husbands who have other "relationships" on the side. Whereas, should he ever get caught, the wife is much more likely to forgive him for hiring a hooker.

Sometimes having extramarital affairs can enrich your marriage. Seriously. They remind you why you love your partner so much, and, by experiencing another, you can show that renewed sense of love when you get back home. The key here is to do it without risking your current relationship and lifestyle. This can be tricky.

Personally, I am polyamorous and am honest when I feel the need to go elsewhere. I also understand if a partner feels the need for variety. Nobody owns me and I don't own anyone else. Sadly, few people are able to be that honest within their marriages without their partner freaking out. :(

Polyamory vs. Swinging

Most people don't understand the difference. "The Ethical Slut" is a great book to teach how to live the lifestyle in the healthiest manor possible with complete honesty. If you read what I have below (not related to the book) you will learn the difference between a couple that swings and one which is polyamorous.


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Compare and Contrast: Polyamory vs. Swinging

Polyamory is often compared to the swing or swinging lifestyle. They are both part of a broader lifestyle choice of 'open relationships'. Poly and Swing are similar in that they both can involve more than 2 people sexually, and they're open and honest - every one knows what's up. But there are some differences between the two lifestyles that are important to know when using these terms:

Sex vs Relationships: Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn't a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. Swinging is more like friends with benefits, whereas polyamory is more along the lines of having multiple boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses. In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that's usually pretty threatening to the core couple.

Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. While sexual fidelity isn't a part of that monogamy... swinging is very couple-centric. A couple goes into it knowing that neither of them will fall for another person any more emotionally than friendship. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple's emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn't approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)... the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you're much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure.

Discreet vs. "Out": Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Usually polyamorous relationships are long term, and have a very regular component to them (daily/weekly, etc.). Polyamorous people usually have a desire to be "out" about their relationships (even if they can't be realistically) - because the people they're involved with hold a very important place in their lives and heart - equivalent to a spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. Poly people tend to want their partners to be with them for for major events - holidays, weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc. - as well as part of their every day life - grocery shopping, movies, hanging out, etc.

Swinging and Polyamory tend to have a lot of overlap, and there's not a distinct line between the two. I like to think of it as a continuum - and one end you'll find a few hard core swingers who have a lot of fairly anonymous sex, and at the other end you'll find polyfidelious polys who all live together in a closed relationship. But there's a heck of a lot colors in between the two to choose from. I've even heard of the term "Swolly" to define folks that are somewhere between swinging and polyamory. I know poly people who still swing, and I know swingers who have developed poly relationships. And I know plenty of folks who don't worry about the terms, and just go with the flow.

You don't have to choose one or the other - but they are not the same thing. It's important to be able to communicate with potential new partners about what you desire in relationships.

Source: http://www.serolynne.com/polyvsswing.htm

The Ethical Slut

Recently I went to Burning Man. It was so much more amazing than I imagined it could be. It can be compared to a Grateful Dead show on steroids--a huge party with unlimited drugs, alcohol, and sex. People are free there to be whomever they want. There are seminars and classes for all types of self-realization and skills. Lots of people in drag, wearing costumes, and completely naked. Totally enlightening.

The classes I attended were primarily adult in nature. Bondage, S&M, polyamory... It was at a class where I first heard of the book "The Ethical Slut". Immediately upon leaving Black Rock City I drove straight to Borders and picked it up. It became a top priority in my life as I read and highlighted with a quickness. How exciting to learn about a different type of lifestyle; one I agree with completely. Monogamy has always been difficult for me but--unlike most people--I have always been honest with my partners when I step outside the relationship. This is the basis of the book--being polyamorous while being honest and ethical. People should be who they are without misleading or deceiving others. This is me.


Random life update:

Back in June I started drinking and smoking again. While I don't like drinking, after I've had 3 or 4 I just keep going. Until I learn what moderation means, I cannot indulge. And I'm realistic enough to know that I may never know what moderation means. :(
I'm willing to bet that I am one of the only people to ever use Burning Man as a jumping off point for sobriety. Haha.. BUT I DID!! The last time I drank was on August 22 and the last time I smoked weed was August 24. Yeah! :)

My ex offered to pay half the moving cost if I want to move back to Georgia. He and I are still talking (and f*cking) and are on good terms. Not sure yet if I'll go. Financially it will be a huge burden to leave Las Vegas. Updating my resume today and applying for "real jobs" locally. Need to decide soon.

Next week I go visit my mother. Her health isn't good. I recently got to spend 5 wonderful days with my grandmother. It's important for me to see those people who may not have much longer in this world. No regrets.

Talking to a long lost friend. A few years ago my sister and boyfriend both died within 6 months of each other. Why is it that people lash out on those whom we value the most? Both of us were at fault to some degree but he saw a side of me that I am truly ashamed of. It's taken a few years for me to finally realize how much of it was me. Luckily, he understands and has accepted my apology. Making amends is important. Karma is important.