Self-medicating to cope after a loved one dies

It's been 10 years since my sister died. It's also been 10 years since my lover died. 2005 was a tough year. Both died by suicide. A lot can happen in 10 years. What does death do to us? It's not predictable and never the same.

Over the next few years, I handled these deaths by self-medicating: drinking a lot, using drugs, and involving myself in unhealthy relationships. Since I lived in Las Vegas, self-medication was the norm and acceptable behavior. My real support system dwindled and was replaced by people who also didn't care about themselves. Secretly I wanted to die, but since my loved ones had taken their own lives, I knew that killing myself would be too painful for those who cared about me. If I overdosed, it would be less painful. I had a relationship with a man who wanted to pimp me (thankfully I got away). I needed love and a lifesaver, yet was too broken to recognize those who wanted to take advantage.

It took me longer than normal to recover from these deaths because, due to self-medication, I didn't grieve the way I should have. Experiencing the stages of grief is essential for recovery. I was in horrible pain, so self-medicating felt like the right thing to do at the time. However, it was directly because of it that I didn't heal sooner. Fast forward to now. I've been sober 6 years. Despite going through some major hardships, I live a happy, drama-free life. My support system is small, but excellent. Life is good.

Even when everything seems hopeless, even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you have choices. How you move forward does make a difference. If you choose to self-medicate, it will get you through but it will extend the hurt. If you don't, you will hurt more intently, but it won't last for nearly as long.

Cannabis to be an allowed exception

I quit drinking on August 14, 2009 and quit smoking marijuana on August 30, 2009. Before quitiing, I used both to self-medicate. I joke around about having been an alcoholic and drug addict, but in reality I don't believe that to be true. A more honest assessment would be that I drank and used in excess in hopes of dying. Thankfully, I removed myself from unhappy situations and learned healthy life coping techniques.

After quitting, I had a pot dealer roommate, stayed with a good friend who made daily offers, and became romantically involved with a weed smoker. In addition, I kept my own personal stash (it was only last year that I finally got rid of it). Opportunity to smoke has always been here.

How have I stayed clean and sober? Because I chose to. Alcohol and drugs were no longer serving me in a productive way. Did I read any 12 Step books? No, but I bought some. Have I been attending 12 Step meetings? The only meetings I've attended were during Burning Man.

So, why am I writing this? It is probable that I will eventually smoke again. Not a lot, and not to self-medicate. For over a year I've been weighing the pros and cons of introducing marijuana back into my life.  Pot gave me energy, helped me exercise, and expanded my mind for more creative writing.

There are people who will think I am going on the wrong path. Some are just anti-marijuana, others may feel like I'm on a slippery slope back into addiction. I have thought long and hard about that and don't believe it to be true.  People say that cigarettes or marijuana are the gateway drugs, when in reality it is caffeine and alcohol--but I digress..... I haven't started smoking yet and I'm not even sure when I will. I say "when" because I do expect to smoke weed again. The circumstances will be right, and, this time around, it won't be an inadvertant "moment of weakness" or to mask unhappiness in my life.

Cracker Jacks

2005 and 2006 were very tough years for me. Among other catastrophes, a few of my loved ones died unexpectedly. While I won't ever "get over" their deaths, eventually I stopped self-medicating and learned healthy coping and acceptance.

As part of my sobriety, I receive a daily "gift" email. Here's today's:

"Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box."
-- Alpha English
It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment. It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years. Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief. I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.

Being the anniversary of my sister's death, today's message hit home. Some surprises are good, some bad, some wonderful, others horrific. Often you can't change what happened. Living a good life, being kind to people, having a quality support system, and remaining positive, are the secrets to enjoying the prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks box.

Charlie Sheen is living in an alternate reality

I was hoping that Charlie Sheen was a brilliant marketer. Unfortunately, he just posted this video on Twitter with the message, "This @charliesheen video made me laugh harder than the whole 8th season of 2.5 men":



The video wasn't funny and seems like a failing desperate attempt to hang on to fans. Realistically, showing off more of his awesome chest would work better. *wink*

It is now obvious that Charlie Sheen truly has lost his mind. It must be embarrassing to have such a public and well-documented meltdown. Unless something really newsworthy happens (commits suicide, ODs on drugs, or flies me to Hollywood), I don't plan to blog about him again.

Selfless Act for Lent

I was thinking "I can't afford to donate, I'm barely making it right now." Then I looked down at my KFC tray and realized I'm just fooling myself. Even if it's just a small donation (like that of a single fast food meal), it all adds up. If you're reading this, even if it's just a dollar, HELP THEM OUT! They are good people with a quality message. :)

What do you say when someone dies?

So far during my life a handful of people whom I loved very much and were close to me have died. Most people don't know how to react after a death. Knowing now how to be a supportive friend through loss is an important social skill. Acting inappropriately can actually hurt the survivor worse.

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Words to Comfort Someone Grieving

It is interesting that the one thing we are certain about in this life is that it will end yet when that happens we are never prepared. Emotionally we just don’t seem to be well equipped to deal with such a loss, we either fall apart or head straight for denial. But, in reality, falling apart or going through denial is all part of the normal process of grieving. Grief is a normal, healthy response to loss and we need to understand how to best deal with it in order to provide comfort to someone who is grieving.

And, as a matter of fact, loss can come in many forms. As devastating as the death of a loved one can be, any life altering experience can trigger a sense or feeling of loss that will trigger the same sense of grief and will send that person through the same 7 stages of grief as experienced through the loss of a loved one. “Other losses include the loss of your health or the health of someone you care about, or the end of a relationship, such as a marriage or even friendship. Healing from a loss involves coming to terms with the loss and the meaning of the loss in your life.”

So the question is how do we deal with or what do we say to a close friend or family member who has just experienced a loss? Many of us have no idea what to say or how to handle the situation. It is difficult to know what words you should say to comfort someone grieving. I think it is natural to feel uncomfortable and unsure in this type of situation. We have so much fear wrapped up around death or any kind of loss in our society that it is difficult to know how to handle our own emotional response much less know how to support another person who is grieving. But, there are simple and effective ways to help someone who is coping with loss.

Below is a simple list of DO’s and DON’TS that you may find helpful when dealing with someone who is experiencing a loss:


DO:

Act natural. I know you may not feel comfortable but the more uncomfortable you are the harder it is on the grieving individual.

Allow the person to talk about his grief and express his or her feelings. Try to listen without offering advice or interrupting. The worse thing you can do is start talking about yourself. Focus on LISTENING and offer your love patiently and unconditionally.

Be patient with the grieving person's changing moods. It’s normal for someone who is grieving to alternate between anger, sadness, numbness and acceptance.” Give the person as much time as he or she needs to grieve. There is no time limit on grieving and telling him or her to 'get over it' or 'let it go' won't help him or her grieve any faster.

Show genuine concern and affection if the person seems open to it. Try offering hugs or an arm around the shoulder, as appropriate. If he or she seems uninterested or irritated don’t take it personally, it is a natural part of the grieving process.

Sometimes silence is what the grieving person wants. There is so much going on that a moment of peace and quiet can be the one thing they need. Sitting silently next to him or her and just being close can be very comforting.

Offer to help but be specific. It can seem overwhelming and stressful to have people keep asking what can I do to help you. When you are grieving you may have no idea what would be helpful or not. Because grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience, suggest something specific. It is hard for many people to ask for help.


Be the one who takes the initiative to:

* Call from time to time and just to check in
* Offer to run errands or get groceries
* Drop off food don’t wait to be asked
* Stop by and baby-sit the kids
* Offer to go along to a bereavement group with them
* Go for walks or enjoy a physical activity
* Do a fun activity with them that you know they really enjoy maybe a game or going to the movies
* Encourage socializing but only when the person feels ready

Keep in mind how difficult holidays and weekends can be for them. Try to be available for support or just spending time with them on these days.

If you recognize that the grieving person is experiencing depression, urge him or her to get professional help. This is only if they seem unable to function in day-to-day life. You may want to help them set up the appointment and if they ask, go with them.

If you haven't already you may want to send some Flowers and a card it may seem like a small gesture on your part but it really means a lot to the person grieving.


DON’T:

Try to avoid the bereaved person. It only makes them feel more isolated and alone. This is a time that they need all the love and support you can muster. Try to put your personal discomfort aside and think about the other person.

Pry into personal matters. Allow the grieving person to share what they choose to and just be there to support them. You can ask questions but think before you talk!

Ask questions about the circumstances of the death. Talk openly about the person who passed but not necessarily the circumstances unless they bring it up.


DON’T SAY:

* "I know how you feel." Truthfully, you don’t know how they feel no one does whether you have been through a loss before or not! Don’t be surprised if the turn around and scream, “YOU don’t know how I feel, no one knows how bad I feel!”

* “You should.” or “Time heals all wounds.” offering advice or quick solutions just ends up frustrating and upsetting the grieving person.

* “At least he’s no longer in pain.” or “She’s in a better place now.” Or “It was God’s timing/will.” Trying to cheer the person up or distract from the emotional intensity only helps to prolong the grieving process and may even alienate them from you.

* “Oh, it’s not that bad.” Or “You’ll be ok.” Or “Things will go back to normal before you know it.” Or “It will get better." Grieving people know this intellectually, but in their heart, they may feel so lost and alone. These statements tend to minimize the loss and could upset the grieving person and they may even feel frustrated and angry with you.

* "Just call me if there is anything I can do." In the midst of grief, you just can’t think straight and you have no idea what you need. It’s up to you to call and if the grieving person does not want to speak with anyone, he or she will not answer the phone. If they don’t answer, the phone just leave a supportive message and let them know you are thinking about them

* "Don't cry." It is uncomfortable and painful to see someone you care about cry but telling him or her not to cry only prolongs the process and does not support the natural grieving process that needs to occur.


DO SAY:

* I am sorry
* Tell me how I can help; I want to be here for you.
* ___________ was a good person and friend of mine. I will miss him or her.
* Would you like a hug?
* Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through something like this and can only imagine.
* It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready.
* “I love you” (if you are close enough)
* talk openly and directly about the person who died

Supporting a friend or family member through the grieving process is one of the most selfless things you can do. It will never be forgotten and likely will help build a bond that will last a lifetime.

Source: http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/words-to-comfort-someone-grieving.html