My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

How many sex partners have you had?

Maybe it's natural curiosity to want to know.. I don't know. I've NEVER asked a sex partner how many there were before me. Why? It's none of my business!! Nor will I answer that question for anyone else.

Guys are so silly. Most of them want a girl who has only had sex with a few men. Because of this, the average woman will lie and say 3-7. Yet how quickly did she sleep with you? Some men believe that a woman should have sex with them within three dates. First of all, I completely disagree with this and usually hold off for months when I want to pursue a relationship with a man. Second, any guy who believes that a woman who slept with him so early has only had a few sex partners is lying to himself.

Get the numbers. A woman is 30. She claims she lost her virginity at 17 and that she has only had 4 partners. Most of her relationships have lasted 3 years. Hmmmm. 13 years divided by 3 equals 4.333. This is plausible enough for you to believe her. Now--really think about it. How long did she wait before having sex with you? Do you believe that every single guy she fucked was a good guy and serious about a relationship? Does she ever go out and party? Did she? Does she have any "bad girl" girlfriends?



Instead of caring how many sex partners your girlfriend had before you, all that you should care about is who she is fucking now. Is it only you? Do you care if she has sex with other people? Is she disease-free? If you both agree to the sexual terms of your relationship, nothing else should matter.

NEVER ASK QUESTIONS WHEN YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ACCEPT ANY ANSWER. Women: this goes for you too. Don't look down on a guy because he admits to having hired hookers. Most men have. Get over it. You should be grateful for his honesty. People are not born great lovers; it takes time and experimentation.

If your partner is good in bed without needing additional "training", consider yourself lucky and don't stress!

Every man I like is different

Most people have a set "type" of person who they are attracted to. That doesn't apply to me. Every man I've been with is completely different than every other. With one exception--and he was a combination of everyone I had dated (weird, right?). I like variety.

Since I started attending adult entertainment conventions, I've been physical with only a few men in the industry.

Richard Young - He and I seriously dated for awhile. Not casual at all.

Roy Karch - We have always been good friends and dated briefly.

Jason Quinlan - Since 2005, Jay has been my default go-to guy whenever I've been single. We've never dated and there's no drama; we are fuck buddies--nothing more. Pretty impressive in the sack and always makes me squirt. If you have ever wondered why he gets so much pussy, he DESERVES IT!

someone else who shall remain nameless - I was horny, Jay was unavailable, this man was in town. A random industry hookup--not something I do.

Despite working as a stripper for years, I can be shy when it comes to my personal life. Most of the men I've had mini-crushes on never knew:
(A couple are taken. A few are missed opportunities. Some still make me wonder...)
Huda Mahdi - Absolute gentleman. He is awesome; the type of man one hopes to marry. Of course he lives half a world away and already has an incredibly gorgeous girlfriend. She is a lucky lucky girl.

Mackenzie McAleer - Handsome, intelligent, ex-pat with a zest for life. HOT!

Brad Mitchell - LOL, Brad. Totally the kind of geek I would date. He's been on my Yes list for a long time but, since he's married, I've kept my distance.

Vid Vicious - I have so much respect for this man. One of the few exceptions to my "no casual sex" rule...I would do Vid. Always a complete gentleman.

Charles Michael - We have been flirting for years. He's smart, cute, funny, and a gentleman. I could seriously date him. Too bad he lives in cold Canada.

Kevin Blatt - We have tons in common and mutual interests. With all the hours we used to chat on the phone, yeah, I'm curious...

Halcyon - Back in the day I would've jumped at the opportunity for a threeway with Tassy and Halcyon but never got the chance.

Lance Harrell - Total cutie! We are into a lot of the same things sexually. Unfortunately, we know each other too well to date or play. *sigh*

Dave Urban - So gorgeous that I can barely speak in his presence.

Marc Womack - Had I been single, I probably would've offered up a threeway with him and Shey. He just oozes "good in bed"; so does she.

Christopher Keller and Mike Tompkins - Both are too young for me to pursue, but in masturbation land they are my boy toys.


Do I stay single because of shyness? Not at all. I enjoy being single.
For me to get in a relationship, that person has to be someone I like "as-is".

If I have to change someone, then it won't work (for either of us).
This is why I like to know someone well before we move forward.


It isn't fun being surprised with incompatibilities after it's too late. That said, even the majority of the men on my crush list are not men whom I would actually date.

I am ready to start dating again

Even before my first kiss, I read "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" and "Men in Love". Monogamy isn't natural so trust and honesty are key. The movie, "Chasing Amy", fits me and my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences and have few regrets.. In "The Banger Sisters", I am internally both women. "The Ethical Slut" is the handbook which best describes how I view relationships. Men who date me can never deal with the reality of who I was and am now. Lately, I have been seriously considering living as a lesbian.

In order to be anything other than just a fuck, I need to spend months getting to know the other person first. This is non-negotiable. My partner and I should be best friends. If we are best friends first AND have chemistry, everything else will be there.

I want a life partner; someone I can count on always.

The Ethical Slut

Recently I went to Burning Man. It was so much more amazing than I imagined it could be. It can be compared to a Grateful Dead show on steroids--a huge party with unlimited drugs, alcohol, and sex. People are free there to be whomever they want. There are seminars and classes for all types of self-realization and skills. Lots of people in drag, wearing costumes, and completely naked. Totally enlightening.

The classes I attended were primarily adult in nature. Bondage, S&M, polyamory... It was at a class where I first heard of the book "The Ethical Slut". Immediately upon leaving Black Rock City I drove straight to Borders and picked it up. It became a top priority in my life as I read and highlighted with a quickness. How exciting to learn about a different type of lifestyle; one I agree with completely. Monogamy has always been difficult for me but--unlike most people--I have always been honest with my partners when I step outside the relationship. This is the basis of the book--being polyamorous while being honest and ethical. People should be who they are without misleading or deceiving others. This is me.


Random life update:

Back in June I started drinking and smoking again. While I don't like drinking, after I've had 3 or 4 I just keep going. Until I learn what moderation means, I cannot indulge. And I'm realistic enough to know that I may never know what moderation means. :(
I'm willing to bet that I am one of the only people to ever use Burning Man as a jumping off point for sobriety. Haha.. BUT I DID!! The last time I drank was on August 22 and the last time I smoked weed was August 24. Yeah! :)

My ex offered to pay half the moving cost if I want to move back to Georgia. He and I are still talking (and f*cking) and are on good terms. Not sure yet if I'll go. Financially it will be a huge burden to leave Las Vegas. Updating my resume today and applying for "real jobs" locally. Need to decide soon.

Next week I go visit my mother. Her health isn't good. I recently got to spend 5 wonderful days with my grandmother. It's important for me to see those people who may not have much longer in this world. No regrets.

Talking to a long lost friend. A few years ago my sister and boyfriend both died within 6 months of each other. Why is it that people lash out on those whom we value the most? Both of us were at fault to some degree but he saw a side of me that I am truly ashamed of. It's taken a few years for me to finally realize how much of it was me. Luckily, he understands and has accepted my apology. Making amends is important. Karma is important.