Overdosed from glucose test

A few days ago, I had the type of glucose test where you drink an extremely high glucose drink and then test again 2 hours later. My resting blood sugar was 101; it used to be 85. I quit eating sugar 6 weeks ago, so I am confused as to how my results went from a normal blood sugar when regularly eating hot fudge sundaes and cake to prediabetes when I don't consume any sugar at all.

In addition to the higher resting blood sugar rate, the overdose of glucose caused me to get very sick. I was in extreme pain, like when I had cancer a few years ago, and was seriously worried. Thankfully, after the glucose was either out of my system (or had sufficiently diluted), the pain went away. If for any reason my results end up being inconclusive, I will refuse to take another test because the overdose of sugar was too harmful. Not only do I not want the pain, I don't want sugar in my system.

Yesterday I had a piece of sugar-free Trident Splash gum. I haven't had any gum since I stopped having sugar. Doing so was kind of an experiment and it is difficult to describe what I felt. About 20 minutes after putting the gum in my mouth, it was apparent that some ingredient in it was affecting my mental state. Yuck! I immediately threw it out. It really is scary how "foods" and even gum can affect behavior and mental health.

Since I haven't posted a Global Personality Test snapshot in awhile, this is from today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 88% Stability 83% Orderliness 61% Accommodation 61% Intellectual 100% Interdependence 100% Mystical 41% Materialism 100% Narcissism 50% Adventurousness 25% Work ethic 100% Conflict seeking 0% Need to dominate 16% Romantic 75% Avoidant 16% Anti-authority 25% Wealth 58% Dependency 11% Change averse 83% Cautiousness 33% Individuality 94% Sexuality 58% Peter Pan complex 0% Histrionic 58% Vanity 83% Artistic 0% Hedonism 66% Physical fitness 100% Religious 100% Paranoia 16% Hypersensitivity 83% Indie 75%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.. Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot: 
clean, likes large parties, outgoing, makes friends easily, optimistic, positive, social, high self control, traditional, assertive, rarely irritated, self revealing, open, finisher, high self concept, controlling, rarely worries, tough, likes to stand out, does not like to be alone, semi neat freak, fearless, dominant, trusting, organized, resolute, strong, practical, craves attention, adventurous, hard working, respects authority, brutally honest, realist, altruistic

You might have noticed a few differences in my personality report. From doing the yearly My Ideal Partner lists and then dating, I have learned a lot more about myself, who I am, and what I consider important. And now you know, too.  ;)

Sex with exes

Having sex with the ex sounds like a bad idea. But, is it always? That depends. Are you still emotionally attached? If yes and the sex comes before agreeing to get back together, then it is a horrible idea. Emotions deepen with sex and you don't want to set yourself up for another heartbreak. If both of you have moved on and are healthy, just horny, this might be ok as long as boundaries are discussed in advance and respected. An advantage to this is that both of you already know each other's bodies and how to satisfy.

My most recent ex was an ex from years earlier. No, we didn't have a random hookup that resulted in a renewed relationship. We actually talked about getting back together for over a year before we consummated our second go 'round. I bet if any of my other ex's are reading this, they might be wondering whether I'd have sex with them again under the right circumstances. For the most part, NO! Exes are exes for a reason and I don't want to rekindle our romances.

There are two exes, however, whom were impressive enough in bed that I have thought about whether a sex-only encounter might be reasonable. Of course, these relationships were also the most unhealthy I've ever had so the clear answer is no. In fact, in both cases I moved out of the state to get away from them! The first man was crazy beyond my tolerance level...but a 15 on a 1-10 sexual rating scale--thoroughly destroying the bar for everyone else. If it wasn't for his level of crazy, I would've married him in a heartbeat. For many reasons, I don't intend to ever speak with him again. The second guy was a 9 on the 1-10 scale and had a unique sex move I've never experienced with anyone else. For that reason alone, I've considered it. He knows how to compartmentalize sex and can't be monogamous, so he could be a possibility. On my end it would be just sex too. Thankfully we' don't live in the same state so there is little temptation.

There is a third guy....although he can't be labeled as an ex because our relationship wasn't committed, it was casual. We lived in different states. He came into my life at a time when I was too messed up to date but needed sex, and he was very skilled in bed (10/10). Yep, I'd do him again.

(Does posting about sex make it clear that this is the horny time of my cycle? lol)

6 years sober

 I quit drinking 6 years ago. As I've said before, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was so unhappy with my life that I used alcohol to excess as a coping mechanism. When I did this, I drank pure Patrón. I hate tequila, yet it was the quickest solution. There are times when I would like to enjoy a Sweet Water Blue, a Guinness, or even a cocktail--all of these taste yummy--but then I would lose the sobriety I have kept for so long. It's easy to give in to desires. It's harder to maintain discipline, and that is what I am doing by remaining sober.

Today also marks 1 month since I stopped eating sugar and sweets!! Breaking my sugar addiction was much harder than quitting drinking, which makes sense... Most people know that, in laboratory studies, rats will choose cocaine over food and eventually die from starvation. Less people are aware that, when rats are given the choice between cocaine and sugar water, 94% of the time the rats will choose sugar water instead of cocaine--this includes rats who were already addicted to cocaine! Sugar not only tastes good, it creates dependence within the brain. It is, quite possibly, the most addictive wide-spread and socially acceptable substance. I am so happy to finally be free of it. It has been many years since I loved myself the way I do now. I am healthy, happy, and constantly improving.  :)

Flashback blog post to define values

People often become interested in others based upon observations and non-reality. It is human nature to fill in the unknown with assumptions. Few people take the time to actually learn about others on a deep level, preferring to stick with their (often false) assumptions. Not only do I want to know the people in my inner circle completely, I want them to know me completely too.

Here are several blogs I've written over the years which describe who I am, my belief systems, and what I want in life:

My Poly Past: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2015/05/my-poly-past.html
My Ideal Partner 2015: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/my-ideal-partner-2015.html
Compromising Safety for Convenience: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/09/compromising-safety-for-convenience.html
What Happened to Gender Differences?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/04/what-happened-to-gender-differences.html
Why I Dropped Out of College: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-i-dropped-out-of-college.html
A Man is Only As Good As His Word: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-man-is-only-as-good-as-his-word.html
The Men I've Loved: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/men-ive-loved.html
Sex On The Side: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/sex-on-side.html
Meant To Be Single?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/meant-to-be-single.html
How Many Sex Partners Have You Had?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-many-sex-partners-have-you-had.html
The Game of Life: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/game-of-life.html
Soon I Need To Decide Which Life Path: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/soon-i-need-to-decide-which-life-path-i.html
Once In A Blue Moon: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2009/12/once-in-blue-moon.html
Synergistic Union: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/synergistic-union.html
I Am Ready To Start Dating Again: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-am-ready-to-start-dating-again.html
The Ethical Slut: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/ethical-slut.html
The Worst Thing In Life: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/worst-thing-in-life.html

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had lists like this where we could read how they arrived at who they are now and what they consider important...before getting involved? Or am I in the minority by wanting something less superficial?

10 YEARS!!

In the beginning I rarely blogged publicly, instead I reserved the majority of posts for my website. That said, today marks 10 years of public blogging. 

By not checking my stats, I'm not really sure what my readership is like. That is intentional because I write for me. Always. That way I don't censor what I write. I prefer being real. 

If you enjoy my posts, great! Comments are positive reinforcement that it's worth taking the time to write because--every great once in awhile--someone actually reads it. But, for those you don't like reading about my life or opinions, why are you even reading this? 

Live big

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:  

"Live big!" -- Brady Michaels  

Sometimes, that's the best advice we can hear. Win or lose succeed or fail, go for it, and go all the way. As my flight instructor told me on the first day of flying lessons, "Keep one hand on the throttle and one hand on the  yoke." "Aahhhhh!" I would say during my early lessons as the plane lifted into the air, but I kept the throttle pushed all the way in.  There are times when it's wise to be cautious. And there are times when the best thing we can do - the only thing we can do - is go for it by living big. Ask her out. Request the raise. Say no - and mean it. Learn to drive a racecar or climb a tall hill. Learn to snorkel or surf. Dreams remain dreams until you act upon them. Then they become real life.   

Will you throw a few coins into the beggar's cup, or will you bring him a hamburger and fries from the local fast-food place? Will you do an average job at work, or will you look for ways to go big - really give it your best - in the everyday areas of your job? Will you put your all - your heart and emotions - into the relationship with the people you love? Will you wait for another, more convenient time to pray, or will you start genuinely trusting God?  You don't have to get a life. You've already got one. Live it, and live big.  God, help me let go of my fear and timidity, and learn to live big.

Breaking my sugar addiction

As a child, I was indoctrinated that "good girls get treats" and sugary items were a reward. Many people think of sugar as just another food without realizing what it actually does to the body. However, studies have shown that 94% of the time, rats will choose sugar water over cocaine! In case you do not understand the significance of that, rats will usually choose cocaine over food and then die of starvation. Sugar is an addictive substance!

Image found at: grandtetonchiropractic.com/clean-eating-corner/why-you-must-break-your-sugar-addiction.html

While sugary items may taste good, they wreak havoc on the body and brain. For much of my life, sugar has had control over me. I've known it, yet the momentary physical and emotional pleasure sugar provides was a powerful reinforcer for continuing. A decade ago during an illness, I was forced onto a restrictive diet which broke my addiction. Unfortunately, after I got better, I retrained my body to successfully function with sugar again (this is pathetic considering that retraining involves getting sick repeatedly from the toxicity).    :-(     For the past few years, I have wanted to quit again, yet sugar withdrawals are so uncomfortable that I wasn't willing to relive them.

On July 15th, I decided to re-break my sugar addiction; this means no candy, cakes/muffins, coffee drinks, Red Bull, added sugar, juice, or any other sweet items (including those with artificial sweeteners). The first few days were horribly intense--significantly worse than when I quit drugs and alcohol. I went through severe withdrawals: mood swings, cramping, difficulty staying awake, depression, extreme cravings, and binging (on allowed foods). While binging is not healthy, it felt like it was the lessor of two evils to help me through the withdrawal process.

Day 2 was the worst. I wouldn't say I was crying, yet tears kept coming out of my eyes. I called my best friend (he is always more rational than I) who reminded me of the reasons I needed to do this and convinced me to stick with it. I had numerous justifications for why I should quit sugar in a week or two instead of now--but he helped me keep my resolve. Taking away a "reward" that one has grown to know and love is difficult. But, in reality, sugar isn't a reward--it is a punishment.

Today is Day 8 of no sugar. Yes I still have cravings. They are manageable. My brain keeps trying to lie to me and tell me that specific foods would be okay or that I "deserve a treat." How sick is it that my treats are actually self-sabotage? Thankfully, I realize this is the addictive cycle and have not given in. My mind is getting clearer, I have lost 2 pounds this week without even trying, and I feel good. Obviously, being a true addiction, I need to continuously monitor myself to prevent slips.

Open letter to my ex's wife

When he and I started dating, I honestly believed that the two of you were separated. I apologize if that was not true.

The day you told me he died, I was so nervous talking to my boyfriend's wife that I said a few things which were inaccurate in an attempt to lessen your pain and make you think we were just a fling. In hindsight, I realize that doing so might have even caused more heartache for you. I am sorry.

Your husband was an excellent man. I loved him so much that I completely fell apart after his death. He was one of the highlights of my life, I feel lucky to have shared time with him, and I always remember him with happy memories. While you don't read my blog, maybe the energy of what I am writing will be released into the universe and give you some level of peace.

Do something patriotic today.

Happy 4th of July! Celebrate real independence by donating to Wikileaks: https://wikileaks.org/donate/

The U.S. Government sold out their citizens' rights. Vote them out!!

The U.S. just signed on to fascism. Seriously. It now fits exactly by definition. If you don't know what fascism is and think that I am just throwing around a dirty word, read it. You will be in shock.

"The most ridiculous part of the TPP is that it allows multinational corporations to sue the governments they set up shop in if their profits don't match expectations, as long as they can blame it on something the government did such as a labor or environmental policy. Under such a system a company like Nike could sue the federal government for lost profits if they were to raise the minimum wage, or even if they were to not lower the wage to bring things in line with their sweatshops overseas. " -- comment from this video.

This is the list of senators who voted YES on the Fast Track of TPP/TPA.
They just sold our country. Flushed it down the drain.

Next election, vote these traitorous senators out.

It is truly disgusting what all those YES's voted for: http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread1072043/pg1

The “Monsanto provision” included in the bill requires that U.S. negotiators fight for rules in trade agreements that eliminate so-called “barriers” to markets, such as the labeling of GMOs. Biotechnology companies consider that such information is unnecessary for the consumers and would have a deterrent effect on their profits, because of the numerous concerns over health and/or environment risks that people believe genetically engineered crops and foods. Currently 64 countries require genetically engineered food to be labeled, including Japan, China, Brazil, and the countries of the European Union. 

Other consumer groups have echoed DeFazio’s concerns. 

“At a time when Americans overwhelmingly want a right to know what they are buying and feeding their families, it is appalling that Congress would encourage stripping other countries of their right to label genetically engineered foods,” said Colin O’Neil, Director of Government Affairs at Center for Food Safety. “Each country has justifiably required the labeling of GE (genetically engineered) foods; the only thing that cannot be justified is why consumers in the US don’t have the same right to know as consumers in 64 other countries around the world.”

This content was originally published by teleSUR at the following address: 
http://www.telesurtv.net/english/news/US-Lawmaker-Slams-Monsanto-Provision-in-Fast-Track-Bill-for-TPP-20150429-0030.html. 

In case you think all the senators were listed, they weren't. Our ethical politicians were in the minority. Want to know who you should be voting for and against? Easy, here is the breakdown by vote:

Only the NAYS are worthy of staying in office. They voted their conscience.

Don't forgive any politician who voted YEA. The YEA votes do not care about America's future. Were they bribed, threatened, or too apathetic to bother reading it?
Our founding fathers would be horrified and ashamed.
Mussolini would be proud.

A woman's body image and how easy it is to ruin

Las Vegas is a world famous adult playground. Working there can bring in big money, but it comes at a price. Vegas is all image and people pride themselves on being hustlers. Being fake is the norm. Everyone is judged--on looks, body, age, money, car, who you're sleeping with--not only did I hate living there, it ruined my normal healthy body image.

From stripping at the top Las Vegas gentlemen's clubs, I saw it all. I worked at Crazy Horse Too, Olympic Garden, Sapphire, and Spearmint Rhino. I was at the top clubs at the right times. Crazy Horse Too is the best club I have ever worked at. They treated their ladies with more respect than is experienced in this industry; it was excellent for my mental health and self-esteem. I worked there up until the day they closed.

On the polar opposite end of the spectrum was Spearmint Rhino. It was a toxic environment. There were actually a few occasions when the morning manager at Spearmint Rhino came up to me while I was on stage (!!) and told me I needed to lose weight before my next shift. Are you kidding me?!? I have curves, not rolls.

This is what I looked like at that time:

Instead of being brushing it off as an asshole Spearmint Rhino manager being a jerk when he was lucky enough to get hired at a top US strip club, it scarred me for life. Here are a few more pictures from the past: 

Because of these negative experiences, now I can't stop critiquing myself; it is ingrained and automatic. I am writing this as a real woman. A real woman who, with a pin-up body, was given a body image complex. Back then I was in the gym a few hours every day. Currently, all I have time for is an hour a day. Knowing that I don't look my personal best messes with me a lot. I'm in pretty good shape and not fat, but again...if my body wasn't good enough when it looked like that, how can I ever be satisfied?

By the way, the image below is what I was expected to look like (obviously less "fat" than above). I haven't looked like that since I quit smoking weed. 

(Quitting pot immediately made me gain 10 pounds that hasn't left me since. *sigh*)

Few women share their insecurities. I wrote this to bring awareness to the damage that can be done to the feminine ego. A joke to a man can seriously hurt a woman. She may not tell you, yet your words may still ring in her head decades later. Hundreds of compliments can't undue the damage of one well-placed insult.

Monica

Remember "Monica" from my gym? She became a major motivator for me with just her presence taking my workouts up a notch. And her body has continued to improve. Wow, she could easily compete. However, now that I know the reason why, I must revise my April statement. I will NOT be doing what Monica does to get what she has.

Apparently, Monica, and a few other women at my gym, take steroids. I found out because they were recently offered to me, as well. I had a long discussion with a bodybuilder I trust. He said normally he is pro-hormones, but never for women because steroids are not women hormones. After he told me that, I started to pay attention and noticed that many of them do have a slight masculine facial appearance. While they have amazingly gorgeous bodies, I am not willing to masculinize my look at all. The first time I was exposed to hearing about women taking steroids was from a stripper I knew a decade ago. She didn't look masculine, but maybe she took very little or was new to them. I don't know. I just know that I am not willing to take this risk. Even for a perfect body.

What I do miss is the ECA stacks. Aspirin and alcohol (separately, not together) are both much more dangerous than ephedrine. The argument that ephedrine is used to make meth so it needs to be made illegal is just ridiculous. Baking soda is an essential ingredient to make crack, but you can still buy it everywhere. Ephedrine got a bad rap.


How disappointing ECA is gone! Equally disappointing is that those women got their results through steroids since I am not willing to go that route. I still go to the gym. I still stare at their bodies. But I no longer believe I will accomplish the same results.  :(

The Hot Crazy Matrix

I love this: "At any moment in time, any woman that you have previously located on this chart can vanish from that location and appear anywhere else on the chart."

Telling someone that you like him or her romantically

I live by the motto "minimize regret" so I would much rather face potential embarrassment or humiliation than forever wonder "what if?". Life is too short to not pursue that which excites you. If it is a job, do it! Somewhere you want to visit, go! And if it is a potential partner, you must find out if you are meant to be. The worst thing that can happen is for you to keep your love interest a secret and then that person gets engaged. THAT is the wrong time to tell of your interest--you already lost your chance.

Telling someone new that you like him or her can be terrifying. Saying it in email is easier because the words can be perfected before pressing "send." However, by putting it in writing, it is pretty impossible to take back. But, why would you want to? Even if the person isn't interested in you back, don't they deserve the ego boost of knowing someone was interested? After all, you like that person, wouldn't you want to create good feelings?

If you are true friends instead of virtual strangers, casual acquaintances, or hookup buddies, then it becomes much more awkward. Sometimes expressing interest in someone ruins your friendship. I have only once lost a friendship with a man for expressing my interest (he could have just said no, lol), but I have cut off a few friendships after the man expressed his. It wasn't because he liked me, it was because his liking me was interfering with our friendship.


Need help? This video is excellent:

Morphing from selfish to selfless

Selfishness is common. Many people won't help others unless they get a direct benefit. Even a large percentage of those who believe they are different will often still tell people about their good deeds (and, thereby, receive recognition). It took me a long time to understand that this is an extension of selfishness under a selfless pretense.


(Watching this video brings tears to my eyes.)


 True selflessness is helping other people just because, not bragging about it, and not expecting anything in return except the opportunity to help another. Living life this way is extremely rewarding. While is true that there are some people who will take advantage of another's generosity, there are also people for whom your generosity might change that person's life for the better. What an incredible opportunity! Something that is small to you might be significant for someone else.

The next time you see someone who needs help, help! Random acts of kindness restore faith in humanity. Start by committing to one random act of kindness per week. When you are ready, build up to at least once per day. I derive more joy from helping others than I get from whatever else I could be doing with that time or money. That might sound crazy to someone who is new to to this concept. This lifestyle is addictive--in a good way! Now get out there and make a difference!

Have the money but no time? Or time but no money? No problem. Here are a few organizations whose overhead is so low that you can be assured your money or donated time goes to help those who need it instead of inflating corporate salaries:

• International Rescue Committee: http://www.rescue.org/how-you-can-help  (not religious)
• Cross International: http://www.crossinternational.org/projects   (Christian-based)
• GLIDE (Spiritual-based, makes a powerful impact in the San Francisco community)

My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

Surprised by the obvious?

Here is a song I have been enjoying a lot lately that plays on the radio often. I thought I knew what it was about until I saw the video. Just like with life; sometimes we make assumptions when the truth (in hindsight) was clearly there if we had only paid enough attention and read between the lines...




People may be scared of themselves, what they might lose, their image, or just in denial, but few are actually honest with others about who they are at their core. The example above just happens to be a really big one. The book, The Four Agreements, reminds us that other people do not think like us. This concept is difficult for me to assimilate.  *sigh*   Sure I know people think differently, but I naturally assume that their motives are pure and that they are as honest and forthright as I am. That is silly because in reality I am assuming they are the exception.

Don't be jealous of what somebody's got unless you're willing to do what they did to get it.

Many years ago, I heard Joyce Meyer say "Don't be jealous of what somebody's got unless you're willing to do what they did to get it." Her quote has stuck with me ever since.

This morning I was at the gym. There is one woman who is so inspiring--I'll call her Monica. Everytime I see her, I work out harder. I've never witnessed her lifting weights (always during a cardio class), but her body is clear proof that she does. Morning obligations prevent me from getting to the gym earlier, so I arrive 10 minutes before this high-energy dance class ends. Monica always looks like she's having a great time. Compared to everyone else, she doesn't look tired and her moves look like real dance instead of exercise. She is so light on her feet it is an absolute pleasure to watch.

20 minutes into my weight workout, a spin class was starting. Monica, who just finished an intensive 1 hour dance class, immediately heads to the spin room! I follow and choose the bike behind her and to the left. From my vantage point, I focus on her incredible thighs while not being obvious.

The equipment was old, there were no fans (!!), and the class seemed to last forever. Several times I wanted to stop. Then I looked around. Not only did Monica have great legs (the best body in the gym, IMHO), several of the other women did too. This is what I want. I've never been satisfied with my legs. Everytime I thought about leaving class early, "Don't be jealous of what somebody's got unless you're willing to do what they did to get it" played in my head.

After I completed the class, I was super proud of myself. It took about 40 minutes to consciously think about that, in order to achieve my goal, I will have to do this repeatedly. Ugh. But, I'm willing to do what Monica does to get it.   *smile*

This is what I consider a perfect set of legs:

Picture found at: http://www.dirtyandthirty.com/

Collecting

Do you collect anything? Have you in the past? It could be something of value or to eventually profit off of. It's even possible that you collect as something to do, but it holds little value to you..

Now think about your collections. How would other people view it? Cool? Weird? Nerdy? Everybody judges, even those of us who try not to. Whatever you put your time, attention, and love into is being judged by everyone you know. I welcome questions about that which I collect and try to show interest in others by asking about their collections. When someone doesn't ask, it shows that they don't care.

I have had two main things I have collected: money and condoms. No, not the way you are thinking...and not at the same time. LOL..



As for money, I collected "star bills." These are bills that are printed wrong on the first print and, when they are re-printed, the letter is replaced by a star to symbolize that it is a reprint. They are not worth anything more than the face value on the bill. Most people have never noticed them even though they are in the general circulation.



Star bills always bring me great joy. This is such a thrill for me and I never knew when I might get one: in the club, change at the drive through, from the ATM.. When friends came across them, they set them aside to trade with me for normal bills. I saved my star bills for many years. At one point I had close to $10k worth. Unfortunately, I used them as collateral for a secured loan and the person spent them.   :(




Condoms are my other fun collection! I've always bought way more than could realistically be used. When I've needed to buy a pack, instead of one, I would buy 5 or 6 different types of boxes at the store. I am a shopaholic and so having a variety in the most intimate of purchases just makes sense to me!  :)



After purchasing, I would open the packages, put them in a big pile, mix them up, and then hide condoms all over the house. This way, if I ended up having a sexual experience, there would almost always be a condom within reach where ever we happened to be.. Since the bedroom was the most common place, I filled the nightstand drawer with them also. It was an extra thrill to see which color, style, and theme condom was randomly chosen. Just like with star bills, this collection added an additional oomph to a normal action.

My having such a selection of condoms was judged by the men I was with as me being promiscuous. In hindsight, it makes sense...but that was rarely the case. I've never cheated while in a committed relationship and my sex life usually comprised of either men I was dating or the one fuck buddy I would see whenever I was single. It didn't even occur to me that men would interpret my fun shopping experience that way. They never asked me about it (maybe they were just happy to get sex and didn't want to ruin it?) so I assumed they understood. Years later, I found out that at least one of them assumed I was a hooker. WHOA! Personally, I believe that what someone does with their body is their own business. At the same time, if these men assumed I was hooking while we were dating, it's no wonder they didn't take our time together as seriously as I did...

What am I collecting now? I still collect condoms, although I am currently single and have no sex life. I also collect DVDs. In a world of Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Youtube, they are not necessary...but they do make me happy, and that is all I expect from collecting.   :)

Oh, Lent, how I love you so

I've been dreading this post. Ok, I'll admit it: I stopped thinking about Lent and didn't keep up with the penalties...but I still view Lent as a success. Every year it is my excuse-catalyst for change.

While many people consider vanity a negative trait, I am thankful for it. I love food a lot more than the average person. My vanity prevents me from getting fat. It is such a driving force that I will work out for 3 hours a day if I need to--and I have. I refuse to be fat.

From my difficulties this Lent, I am much more aware of my sugar intake. I successfully quit tres leches for good and enrolled in a clean eating course to get back on track with everyday eating.




Science says that how our bodies looks is 80% diet, 10% exercise, and 10% genetics. My genetics are horrible; fat runs in my family. One binge session and it is visible on my body. On the same token, one good workout and my body shows immediate improvement. Now, imagine if I could just break the sugar addiction! I've done it before and withdrawals from sugar parallel detoxing off drugs (what an idiot I was for letting sugar back into my life). It is my goal--no, wrong word--it is my expectation that I will break my sugar addiction again this year. No penalties, no deadlines, this is the lifestyle I want to live and am headed towards again.

I have free weights at my house and work out using Body Pump videos at home. But, I only average 10 minutes before I stop. Why is this when I am able to do a full hour at the gym? Laziness. Body Pump is intensive and works each muscle to the point of exhaustion. At the gym, I'd be embarrassed to leave early. The combination of out of shape people not quitting and the gorgeous women who have my dream body keep me motivated to stay. At home I don't have such obvious motivators.

My time right now is limited. I study a lot. At the same time, I've known that working out at home hasn't been cutting it. Recently, I joined the closest gym to my house. They have classes, but not Body Pump.  :(  Using weights machines again is working my muscles differently and--combined with my 10 minutes per day of Body Pump at home--and has quickly increased my strength. Now I have a dedicated place where I can't justify anything other than exercise.. Those who know me, know that I am a weight lifting girl...but I expect to coax/trick/bribe myself into going to a few cardio classes in April, too.

Cursing.. Hasn't this been on my Lent list of sacrifices every year? Maybe.. A few years back, the F-word flew out of my mouth far too often. Now, the majority of my cursing occurs as silent/soft murmurs to myself when something isn't proceeding as expected. Rarely do I curse in the course of conversation. Huge improvement!

Ok, this blog post covered food, exercise, and cursing. I thought I had more than that on my Lent list for this year, but I don't remember and am tired of writing. Happy Semana Santa!