Self-medicating to cope after a loved one dies

It's been 10 years since my sister died. It's also been 10 years since my lover died. 2005 was a tough year. Both died by suicide. A lot can happen in 10 years. What does death do to us? It's not predictable and never the same.

Over the next few years, I handled these deaths by self-medicating: drinking a lot, using drugs, and involving myself in unhealthy relationships. Since I lived in Las Vegas, self-medication was the norm and acceptable behavior. My real support system dwindled and was replaced by people who also didn't care about themselves. Secretly I wanted to die, but since my loved ones had taken their own lives, I knew that killing myself would be too painful for those who cared about me. If I overdosed, it would be less painful. I had a relationship with a man who wanted to pimp me (thankfully I got away). I needed love and a lifesaver, yet was too broken to recognize those who wanted to take advantage.

It took me longer than normal to recover from these deaths because, due to self-medication, I didn't grieve the way I should have. Experiencing the stages of grief is essential for recovery. I was in horrible pain, so self-medicating felt like the right thing to do at the time. However, it was directly because of it that I didn't heal sooner. Fast forward to now. I've been sober 6 years. Despite going through some major hardships, I live a happy, drama-free life. My support system is small, but excellent. Life is good.

Even when everything seems hopeless, even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you have choices. How you move forward does make a difference. If you choose to self-medicate, it will get you through but it will extend the hurt. If you don't, you will hurt more intently, but it won't last for nearly as long.

The Power of Yet

Carol S. Dweck is a leading researcher in the field of motivation and is the Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology at Stanford. Her research focuses on why students succeed and how to foster their success. More specifically, her work has demonstrated the role of mindsets in success and has shown how praise for intelligence can undermine students’ motivation and learning.

Bernie Sanders 2016

1. 

Inward and outward love

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

"Almost everyone wants something for nothing." 
--Marsha Sinetar

Bargains attract. Finding a good value excites us, and we share the news quickly. Wanting anything for free is human nature perhaps. However, we have had to learn again and again that you get what you pay for. This is true of human interactions too.

Why do we think that others will be there for us if we aren't available for them? Having friends means being a friend, even if it's time-consuming. Although friendship's rewards are indisputable, we still tend to wait, letting the other person make the first move. Getting the other person to commit first reduces our effort, perhaps, but we will still receive according to what we give.

Knowing and utilizing this principle simplifies our lives. Once we master it, we never forget it. And what we bring to our relationships will be given back to us.

I am willing to give to others what I want in return today. Their efforts will match my own.

Take the first step and offer true friendship to others. It is worth it and most people reciprocate!

Identify those who fail to return your friendship (after given more than an ample opportunity) as not worthy of you and cut them out of your life. This way of life shows love for others and also love for yourself.

Syria, and America's responsibility

Today is a day when many think about all the lost lives from the World Trade Center attack on September 11, 2001. Almost 3,000 lives ended that day, and countless more affected. Since then, September 11th is a day where people remember, mourn, and feel a sense of patriotism regarding the United States invading other countries--and ironically, other countries which were not responsible for that US tragedy.

While the average American is aware of how both North Korea and the "The Great Firewall of China" biases their media, few Americans understand that the United States news is also biased and full of propaganda. Most Americans get their news about what has happened from American news sources.

"More than 60 million people have been displaced by conflicts in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Yemen, Ukraine and elsewhere, and the violence is expected to drive hundreds of thousands more to seek asylum this year and next." (source) -- What do the majority of these countries have in common? Yes, oil-related military intervention from the US which led to millions of innocent lives being permanently and negatively affected. It is not the job of the US to be the world savior. It is--apparently--the intent of the US to send in troops when doing so creates a chess-like tactical long-term gain of resources. The United States, whether we like it or not, is the world bully.

Syria could foresee the potential of civil war and wanted their Assad government to stay in place. The Syrian government had a 55% approval rating--that is higher than Obama, Bush, and Reagan. Just two months after the United States agreed to allow Syria to decide it's own political future and to not have military intervention, Obama publicly threatened force. Fear of chemical weapon use was a convenient excuse. Yet, it wasn't America's place. I have serious reservations about who actually used the chemical weapons the following year and honestly believe it was a false flag operation.

Even those who do not watch television are aware of the mass refugees trying to escape Syria. How many know that the US intervention was a catalyst for Syria's civil war? How many know that Syria was a prosperous country before the United States strategically decided to enter it as a political chess move against the Middle East?

How many have heard that Syria wanted peace and was prepared for peace--yet were blocked every step of the way by America? How many of you have heard that it was the United States who reneged on the Geneva Convention?

Close to 250,000 people have died in Syria, with 30% being civilians.

Be informed. Read the ACTUAL AGREEMENT from 2012 between the United States, United Nations, the League of Arab States, China, France, Russia, United Kingdom, Turkey, Iraq, Kuwait, Qatar, the European Union, and Syria:. I dare you, because then you will realize just how the United States attacking Syria was both inappropriate and broke international law. The US acts as if breaking international law is acceptable.

...then, if you want to continue reading...

• Most Syrians back President Assad, but you'd never know from western media:  http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/jan/17/syrians-support-assad-western-propaganda  (January 2012) 
• 9 Ways America Has Fueled the Bloody Civil War in Syria: http://www.alternet.org/world/america-has-fueled-bloody-civil-war-syria  (September 2013, and it has gotten worse since) 
• Failure of Syria diplomacy exposes enduring divisions over Assad:  http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2015/09/09/world/politics-diplomacy-world/failure-syria-diplomacy-exposes-enduring-divisions-assad/  (2 days ago)

What do people think in other parts of the world?

Canada: The Ghouta Chemical Attacks a US-Backed False Flag? Killing Syrian Children to Justify a “Humanitarian” Military Intervention -- http://www.globalresearch.ca/the-ghouta-chemical-attacks-us-backed-false-flag-killing-children-to-justify-a-humanitarian-military-intervention/5351363
China: US responsible for refugee crises in Syria, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan  --  http://www.firstpost.com/world/us-responsible-for-refugee-crises-in-syria-libya-iraq-afghanistan-chinese-commentary-2422432.html
India: Is US not morally obliged to take responsibility of war-torn Syrians? --  http://www.india.com/news/world/europe-migrant-crisis-is-us-not-morally-obliged-to-take-responsibility-of-war-torn-syrians-538381/
Russia: Putin blames US for migrant crisis in Europe  -- http://www.dw.com/en/putin-blames-us-for-migrant-crisis-in-europe/a-18694852
UK: Are the US-led air strikes in Syria legal - and what does it mean if they are not? --  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/11116792/Are-the-US-led-air-strikes-in-Syria-legal-and-what-does-it-mean-if-they-are-not.html


Many of the World Powers are involved here, and they disagree.  Read up on World War I and World War II if you still think this doesn't affect you. History repeats itself and we are getting scary close. 

Man Up to indecision

This post was on a message board I read:

There is an old French proverb which states, "There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience." It certainly applies in your current situation. He chose to drag out the inevitable end to the relationship simply because he couldn't make a decision and subsequently stand behind it. It proved easier for him to allow you to suffer his indecisiveness than to man up when he most needed to be strong. You will continue to hurt in the meantime but in the end, how much did you really lose?

In most cases, refusing to make a decision is a decision within itself. The comment above uses the words "man up" and I agree with this completely. More often than not, it is the male species which keeps the female on hold due to their own indecision. These males are not men, they are boys playing games (both with themselves and others). It is important to be a grown-up, a man, and act accordingly. This is true with both friends and lovers, and compounded when emotions are involved. You owe--out of respect--to be forthcoming regarding your decisions and not make others wait around. Everyone deserves honesty. In the case where the eventual result is ending of a relationship, dragging it out is cowardly and iniquitous.

Motivational Mindshift - Restructure your thinking

Need help? Start here: Activate Your Success Mechanism

Overdosed from glucose test

A few days ago, I had the type of glucose test where you drink an extremely high glucose drink and then test again 2 hours later. My resting blood sugar was 101; it used to be 85. I quit eating sugar 6 weeks ago, so I am confused as to how my results went from a normal blood sugar when regularly eating hot fudge sundaes and cake to prediabetes when I don't consume any sugar at all.

In addition to the higher resting blood sugar rate, the overdose of glucose caused me to get very sick. I was in extreme pain, like when I had cancer a few years ago, and was seriously worried. Thankfully, after the glucose was either out of my system (or had sufficiently diluted), the pain went away. If for any reason my results end up being inconclusive, I will refuse to take another test because the overdose of sugar was too harmful. Not only do I not want the pain, I don't want sugar in my system.

Yesterday I had a piece of sugar-free Trident Splash gum. I haven't had any gum since I stopped having sugar. Doing so was kind of an experiment and it is difficult to describe what I felt. About 20 minutes after putting the gum in my mouth, it was apparent that some ingredient in it was affecting my mental state. Yuck! I immediately threw it out. It really is scary how "foods" and even gum can affect behavior and mental health.

Since I haven't posted a Global Personality Test snapshot in awhile, this is from today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 88% Stability 83% Orderliness 61% Accommodation 61% Intellectual 100% Interdependence 100% Mystical 41% Materialism 100% Narcissism 50% Adventurousness 25% Work ethic 100% Conflict seeking 0% Need to dominate 16% Romantic 75% Avoidant 16% Anti-authority 25% Wealth 58% Dependency 11% Change averse 83% Cautiousness 33% Individuality 94% Sexuality 58% Peter Pan complex 0% Histrionic 58% Vanity 83% Artistic 0% Hedonism 66% Physical fitness 100% Religious 100% Paranoia 16% Hypersensitivity 83% Indie 75%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.. Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot: 
clean, likes large parties, outgoing, makes friends easily, optimistic, positive, social, high self control, traditional, assertive, rarely irritated, self revealing, open, finisher, high self concept, controlling, rarely worries, tough, likes to stand out, does not like to be alone, semi neat freak, fearless, dominant, trusting, organized, resolute, strong, practical, craves attention, adventurous, hard working, respects authority, brutally honest, realist, altruistic

You might have noticed a few differences in my personality report. From doing the yearly My Ideal Partner lists and then dating, I have learned a lot more about myself, who I am, and what I consider important. And now you know, too.  ;)

Sex with exes

Having sex with the ex sounds like a bad idea. But, is it always? That depends. Are you still emotionally attached? If yes and the sex comes before agreeing to get back together, then it is a horrible idea. Emotions deepen with sex and you don't want to set yourself up for another heartbreak. If both of you have moved on and are healthy, just horny, this might be ok as long as boundaries are discussed in advance and respected. An advantage to this is that both of you already know each other's bodies and how to satisfy.

My most recent ex was an ex from years earlier. No, we didn't have a random hookup that resulted in a renewed relationship. We actually talked about getting back together for over a year before we consummated our second go 'round. I bet if any of my other ex's are reading this, they might be wondering whether I'd have sex with them again under the right circumstances. For the most part, NO! Exes are exes for a reason and I don't want to rekindle our romances.

There are two exes, however, whom were impressive enough in bed that I have thought about whether a sex-only encounter might be reasonable. Of course, these relationships were also the most unhealthy I've ever had so the clear answer is no. In fact, in both cases I moved out of the state to get away from them! The first man was crazy beyond my tolerance level...but a 15 on a 1-10 sexual rating scale--thoroughly destroying the bar for everyone else. If it wasn't for his level of crazy, I would've married him in a heartbeat. For many reasons, I don't intend to ever speak with him again. The second guy was a 9 on the 1-10 scale and had a unique sex move I've never experienced with anyone else. For that reason alone, I've considered it. He knows how to compartmentalize sex and can't be monogamous, so he could be a possibility. On my end it would be just sex too. Thankfully we' don't live in the same state so there is little temptation.

There is a third guy....although he can't be labeled as an ex because our relationship wasn't committed, it was casual. We lived in different states. He came into my life at a time when I was too messed up to date but needed sex, and he was very skilled in bed (10/10). Yep, I'd do him again.

(Does posting about sex make it clear that this is the horny time of my cycle? lol)

6 years sober

 I quit drinking 6 years ago. As I've said before, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was so unhappy with my life that I used alcohol to excess as a coping mechanism. When I did this, I drank pure Patrón. I hate tequila, yet it was the quickest solution. There are times when I would like to enjoy a Sweet Water Blue, a Guinness, or even a cocktail--all of these taste yummy--but then I would lose the sobriety I have kept for so long. It's easy to give in to desires. It's harder to maintain discipline, and that is what I am doing by remaining sober.

Today also marks 1 month since I stopped eating sugar and sweets!! Breaking my sugar addiction was much harder than quitting drinking, which makes sense... Most people know that, in laboratory studies, rats will choose cocaine over food and eventually die from starvation. Less people are aware that, when rats are given the choice between cocaine and sugar water, 94% of the time the rats will choose sugar water instead of cocaine--this includes rats who were already addicted to cocaine! Sugar not only tastes good, it creates dependence within the brain. It is, quite possibly, the most addictive wide-spread and socially acceptable substance. I am so happy to finally be free of it. It has been many years since I loved myself the way I do now. I am healthy, happy, and constantly improving.  :)

Flashback blog post to define values

People often become interested in others based upon observations and non-reality. It is human nature to fill in the unknown with assumptions. Few people take the time to actually learn about others on a deep level, preferring to stick with their (often false) assumptions. Not only do I want to know the people in my inner circle completely, I want them to know me completely too.

Here are several blogs I've written over the years which describe who I am, my belief systems, and what I want in life:

My Poly Past: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2015/05/my-poly-past.html
My Ideal Partner 2015: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/my-ideal-partner-2015.html
Compromising Safety for Convenience: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/09/compromising-safety-for-convenience.html
What Happened to Gender Differences?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/04/what-happened-to-gender-differences.html
Why I Dropped Out of College: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-i-dropped-out-of-college.html
A Man is Only As Good As His Word: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-man-is-only-as-good-as-his-word.html
The Men I've Loved: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/men-ive-loved.html
Sex On The Side: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/sex-on-side.html
Meant To Be Single?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/meant-to-be-single.html
How Many Sex Partners Have You Had?: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-many-sex-partners-have-you-had.html
The Game of Life: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/game-of-life.html
Soon I Need To Decide Which Life Path: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/soon-i-need-to-decide-which-life-path-i.html
Once In A Blue Moon: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2009/12/once-in-blue-moon.html
Synergistic Union: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/synergistic-union.html
I Am Ready To Start Dating Again: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-am-ready-to-start-dating-again.html
The Ethical Slut: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/ethical-slut.html
The Worst Thing In Life: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/worst-thing-in-life.html

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had lists like this where we could read how they arrived at who they are now and what they consider important...before getting involved? Or am I in the minority by wanting something less superficial?

10 YEARS!!

In the beginning I rarely blogged publicly, instead I reserved the majority of posts for my website. That said, today marks 10 years of public blogging. 

By not checking my stats, I'm not really sure what my readership is like. That is intentional because I write for me. Always. That way I don't censor what I write. I prefer being real. 

If you enjoy my posts, great! Comments are positive reinforcement that it's worth taking the time to write because--every great once in awhile--someone actually reads it. But, for those you don't like reading about my life or opinions, why are you even reading this? 

Live big

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:  

"Live big!" -- Brady Michaels  

Sometimes, that's the best advice we can hear. Win or lose succeed or fail, go for it, and go all the way. As my flight instructor told me on the first day of flying lessons, "Keep one hand on the throttle and one hand on the  yoke." "Aahhhhh!" I would say during my early lessons as the plane lifted into the air, but I kept the throttle pushed all the way in.  There are times when it's wise to be cautious. And there are times when the best thing we can do - the only thing we can do - is go for it by living big. Ask her out. Request the raise. Say no - and mean it. Learn to drive a racecar or climb a tall hill. Learn to snorkel or surf. Dreams remain dreams until you act upon them. Then they become real life.   

Will you throw a few coins into the beggar's cup, or will you bring him a hamburger and fries from the local fast-food place? Will you do an average job at work, or will you look for ways to go big - really give it your best - in the everyday areas of your job? Will you put your all - your heart and emotions - into the relationship with the people you love? Will you wait for another, more convenient time to pray, or will you start genuinely trusting God?  You don't have to get a life. You've already got one. Live it, and live big.  God, help me let go of my fear and timidity, and learn to live big.

Breaking my sugar addiction

As a child, I was indoctrinated that "good girls get treats" and sugary items were a reward. Many people think of sugar as just another food without realizing what it actually does to the body. However, studies have shown that 94% of the time, rats will choose sugar water over cocaine! In case you do not understand the significance of that, rats will usually choose cocaine over food and then die of starvation. Sugar is an addictive substance!

Image found at: grandtetonchiropractic.com/clean-eating-corner/why-you-must-break-your-sugar-addiction.html

While sugary items may taste good, they wreak havoc on the body and brain. For much of my life, sugar has had control over me. I've known it, yet the momentary physical and emotional pleasure sugar provides was a powerful reinforcer for continuing. A decade ago during an illness, I was forced onto a restrictive diet which broke my addiction. Unfortunately, after I got better, I retrained my body to successfully function with sugar again (this is pathetic considering that retraining involves getting sick repeatedly from the toxicity).    :-(     For the past few years, I have wanted to quit again, yet sugar withdrawals are so uncomfortable that I wasn't willing to relive them.

On July 15th, I decided to re-break my sugar addiction; this means no candy, cakes/muffins, coffee drinks, Red Bull, added sugar, juice, or any other sweet items (including those with artificial sweeteners). The first few days were horribly intense--significantly worse than when I quit drugs and alcohol. I went through severe withdrawals: mood swings, cramping, difficulty staying awake, depression, extreme cravings, and binging (on allowed foods). While binging is not healthy, it felt like it was the lessor of two evils to help me through the withdrawal process.

Day 2 was the worst. I wouldn't say I was crying, yet tears kept coming out of my eyes. I called my best friend (he is always more rational than I) who reminded me of the reasons I needed to do this and convinced me to stick with it. I had numerous justifications for why I should quit sugar in a week or two instead of now--but he helped me keep my resolve. Taking away a "reward" that one has grown to know and love is difficult. But, in reality, sugar isn't a reward--it is a punishment.

Today is Day 8 of no sugar. Yes I still have cravings. They are manageable. My brain keeps trying to lie to me and tell me that specific foods would be okay or that I "deserve a treat." How sick is it that my treats are actually self-sabotage? Thankfully, I realize this is the addictive cycle and have not given in. My mind is getting clearer, I have lost 2 pounds this week without even trying, and I feel good. Obviously, being a true addiction, I need to continuously monitor myself to prevent slips.

Open letter to my ex's wife

When he and I started dating, I honestly believed that the two of you were separated. I apologize if that was not true.

The day you told me he died, I was so nervous talking to my boyfriend's wife that I said a few things which were inaccurate in an attempt to lessen your pain and make you think we were just a fling. In hindsight, I realize that doing so might have even caused more heartache for you. I am sorry.

Your husband was an excellent man. I loved him so much that I completely fell apart after his death. He was one of the highlights of my life, I feel lucky to have shared time with him, and I always remember him with happy memories. While you don't read my blog, maybe the energy of what I am writing will be released into the universe and give you some level of peace.

Do something patriotic today.

Happy 4th of July! Celebrate real independence by donating to Wikileaks: https://wikileaks.org/donate/

The U.S. Government sold out their citizens' rights. Vote them out!!

The U.S. just signed on to fascism. Seriously. It now fits exactly by definition. If you don't know what fascism is and think that I am just throwing around a dirty word, read it. You will be in shock.

"The most ridiculous part of the TPP is that it allows multinational corporations to sue the governments they set up shop in if their profits don't match expectations, as long as they can blame it on something the government did such as a labor or environmental policy. Under such a system a company like Nike could sue the federal government for lost profits if they were to raise the minimum wage, or even if they were to not lower the wage to bring things in line with their sweatshops overseas. " -- comment from this video.

This is the list of senators who voted YES on the Fast Track of TPP/TPA.
They just sold our country. Flushed it down the drain.

Next election, vote these traitorous senators out.

It is truly disgusting what all those YES's voted for: http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread1072043/pg1

The “Monsanto provision” included in the bill requires that U.S. negotiators fight for rules in trade agreements that eliminate so-called “barriers” to markets, such as the labeling of GMOs. Biotechnology companies consider that such information is unnecessary for the consumers and would have a deterrent effect on their profits, because of the numerous concerns over health and/or environment risks that people believe genetically engineered crops and foods. Currently 64 countries require genetically engineered food to be labeled, including Japan, China, Brazil, and the countries of the European Union. 

Other consumer groups have echoed DeFazio’s concerns. 

“At a time when Americans overwhelmingly want a right to know what they are buying and feeding their families, it is appalling that Congress would encourage stripping other countries of their right to label genetically engineered foods,” said Colin O’Neil, Director of Government Affairs at Center for Food Safety. “Each country has justifiably required the labeling of GE (genetically engineered) foods; the only thing that cannot be justified is why consumers in the US don’t have the same right to know as consumers in 64 other countries around the world.”

This content was originally published by teleSUR at the following address: 
http://www.telesurtv.net/english/news/US-Lawmaker-Slams-Monsanto-Provision-in-Fast-Track-Bill-for-TPP-20150429-0030.html. 

In case you think all the senators were listed, they weren't. Our ethical politicians were in the minority. Want to know who you should be voting for and against? Easy, here is the breakdown by vote:

Only the NAYS are worthy of staying in office. They voted their conscience.

Don't forgive any politician who voted YEA. The YEA votes do not care about America's future. Were they bribed, threatened, or too apathetic to bother reading it?
Our founding fathers would be horrified and ashamed.
Mussolini would be proud.

A woman's body image and how easy it is to ruin

Las Vegas is a world famous adult playground. Working there can bring in big money, but it comes at a price. Vegas is all image and people pride themselves on being hustlers. Being fake is the norm. Everyone is judged--on looks, body, age, money, car, who you're sleeping with--not only did I hate living there, it ruined my normal healthy body image.

From stripping at the top Las Vegas gentlemen's clubs, I saw it all. I worked at Crazy Horse Too, Olympic Garden, Sapphire, and Spearmint Rhino. I was at the top clubs at the right times. Crazy Horse Too is the best club I have ever worked at. They treated their ladies with more respect than is experienced in this industry; it was excellent for my mental health and self-esteem. I worked there up until the day they closed.

On the polar opposite end of the spectrum was Spearmint Rhino. It was a toxic environment. There were actually a few occasions when the morning manager at Spearmint Rhino came up to me while I was on stage (!!) and told me I needed to lose weight before my next shift. Are you kidding me?!? I have curves, not rolls.

This is what I looked like at that time:

Instead of being brushing it off as an asshole Spearmint Rhino manager being a jerk when he was lucky enough to get hired at a top US strip club, it scarred me for life. Here are a few more pictures from the past: 

Because of these negative experiences, now I can't stop critiquing myself; it is ingrained and automatic. I am writing this as a real woman. A real woman who, with a pin-up body, was given a body image complex. Back then I was in the gym a few hours every day. Currently, all I have time for is an hour a day. Knowing that I don't look my personal best messes with me a lot. I'm in pretty good shape and not fat, but again...if my body wasn't good enough when it looked like that, how can I ever be satisfied?

By the way, the image below is what I was expected to look like (obviously less "fat" than above). I haven't looked like that since I quit smoking weed. 

(Quitting pot immediately made me gain 10 pounds that hasn't left me since. *sigh*)

Few women share their insecurities. I wrote this to bring awareness to the damage that can be done to the feminine ego. A joke to a man can seriously hurt a woman. She may not tell you, yet your words may still ring in her head decades later. Hundreds of compliments can't undue the damage of one well-placed insult.

Monica

Remember "Monica" from my gym? She became a major motivator for me with just her presence taking my workouts up a notch. And her body has continued to improve. Wow, she could easily compete. However, now that I know the reason why, I must revise my April statement. I will NOT be doing what Monica does to get what she has.

Apparently, Monica, and a few other women at my gym, take steroids. I found out because they were recently offered to me, as well. I had a long discussion with a bodybuilder I trust. He said normally he is pro-hormones, but never for women because steroids are not women hormones. After he told me that, I started to pay attention and noticed that many of them do have a slight masculine facial appearance. While they have amazingly gorgeous bodies, I am not willing to masculinize my look at all. The first time I was exposed to hearing about women taking steroids was from a stripper I knew a decade ago. She didn't look masculine, but maybe she took very little or was new to them. I don't know. I just know that I am not willing to take this risk. Even for a perfect body.

What I do miss is the ECA stacks. Aspirin and alcohol (separately, not together) are both much more dangerous than ephedrine. The argument that ephedrine is used to make meth so it needs to be made illegal is just ridiculous. Baking soda is an essential ingredient to make crack, but you can still buy it everywhere. Ephedrine got a bad rap.


How disappointing ECA is gone! Equally disappointing is that those women got their results through steroids since I am not willing to go that route. I still go to the gym. I still stare at their bodies. But I no longer believe I will accomplish the same results.  :(

The Hot Crazy Matrix

I love this: "At any moment in time, any woman that you have previously located on this chart can vanish from that location and appear anywhere else on the chart."