Here comes Santa Claus

The most recent bra I bought is a 34F! Are the sizes getting smaller or are my breasts growing? ;)



Have a wonderful and safe holiday week!!

Soon I need to decide which life path I want moving forward

Websites that want to make money have affiliate programs because it is the easiest form of marketing. So, why didn't my pin-up site have one? The most obvious answer applies here: money wasn't my motivation. (!) Rather, I got off on knowing that the men who joined my site were men whom I personally handed my card to (maybe even lapdanced for). It is a huge turn-on to know that people you've met in real life are masturbating while fantasizing about fucking you. Really. That is HOT!! And the sexual charge I got was worth more to me than any extra money I would've made.

When I strip, I do so for similar reasons. Stripping is a fantasy job. Men compliment me all night, appreciate my teasing them, and then go home and masturbate while thinking of me. It's kind of like being a 15 year old girl again, except it's a legitimate job which pays handsomely. WOW! The more money I make, the sexier I feel... And...the sexier I feel, the more money I make. It doesn't get better than that!
Those who know me laugh about how rarely I actually work. To give my readers a good idea, I usually post on my blog when I am going somewhere to strip. Vegas is my primary workplace but some small town clubs are more enjoyable (Wild Orchid in Reno is my current favorite, Big Al's in Peoria is second). This is a social job, I love the interaction, and always keep a spare bikini and set of high heels in my car. When the mood strikes, I'm prepared!       ;)

Most importantly, stripping is "fun" and not "work". Whenever it has began to feel like work, I've stopped. The more carefree I approach it, the easier it is to make money. I'm not there to work--I am there to PLAY. Attitude is everything.




My real background is marketing and HR. Can you visualize me as the Marcom Manager of a Fortune 500 company? What about the top sales executive for a well-known publication? I have been both. Corporate life isn't for everyone and I generally prefer the flexibility and control of being self-employed.

Recently I was offered another full-time permanent position working at a conservative corporation. This is a good opportunity for me. If I take it, Trixie must disappear. No more stripping, no more adult conventions, possibly even no more blogging. Am I ready to give this up? They requested I start in mid-January.

If I turn down this job, I will likely step up my adult work. What would that mean exactly? It could be stripping on a more regular schedule, maybe doing porn, possibly escorting.. I haven't decided yet. No matter what I choose to do, I will enjoy myself. I'm a strong believer in "He who enjoys life, wins at life".


Decisions.... Decisions....

Well, I can honestly say I had one of the best birthdays of my life!

Nobody would believe what actually happened so I will just quietly smile and keep it to myself..

Twenties?

Chocolate for breakfast. Yummy! There is no better way to start the day (well, other than morning sex). Today is my birthday and a friend is making sure I have a very special day.. ;)                    (Thank you!)


Should I start lying and saying I'm 29? Or go big and say I'm 21? lol..

eclipsed

Isn't it strange how one day will be so great and the next your whole world can crash down? The greatness is still there but the new negative consumes all your thoughts.



Everybody goes through times in their lives when they need a friend to lean on. Right now is one of those times for me. Today I received horrible news. Unfortunately, the majority of my closest friends are too messed up to be supportive. Most of my life whenever I've needed someone to lean on I've been alone (Summer of 2009 was an exception). There is nobody around again but the main difference this time is that I am sober and plan on staying so. I pray that is enough to keep me strong...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

In My Sights

Getting sober was a neccessary step to lining up my life. I always knew that. Now I am focused, happy, and living my dreams. It is time to compliment my emotional/mental/physical happiness with financial success!

On December 5, as the new Moon rises in Sagittarius -- the Archer -- it's time to take aim at your most ambitious goals and fire! A direct hit is finally within your reach.

And that's just the beginning. Later that very night, retrograde Uranus will finally go direct again, while on the 7th, fiery Mars will move into calculating Capricorn. These three events acting on top of each other are a trifecta of opportunity. You'll feel the benefit of their activities so much more when you take the initiative into your own hands.

A new Moon is always a good opportunity to start something new, and with optimistic, adventurous Sagittarius in your corner, it's time to shed any doubts or questions slowing you down. There's no time like the present to see how much you can accomplish.

Uranus is the ruler of out-of-the-box thinking. You've probably had some plans and ideas brewing in the background for the last couple months as Uranus took a backwards stroll in Pisces. Now, as the planet moves forward again, it urges you to do the same. It's time to stop meditating about your ideas and turn them into reality!

To help seal the deal, Mars, the planet of action, will immerse itself (and you!) in get-the-job-done-right Capricorn. Mars would encourage you to leap before you look, but Capricorn is the sign of practicality. When combined, the two work together to help you move toward your target in a forceful, yet prudent manner. You'll be more likely to achieve your goals if you're realistic about what you can accomplish.

So what does all of this mean? Well, obviously, it's time to take action! Whether you go for something big, like a career change, or just decide it's time to clear the clutter from your space so you can think more clearly, you couldn't ask for a better time to get the job done.

Just remember that if you make your move on these three particular days, it's not just your goals you can reach -- it could be your dreams!

Source: Astrology.com email

Government Mandated Sexual Assault

How far is too far?



Think this is unrealistic? Unfortunately, it's happening already. :(

When I went through security and received the "enhanced pat-down", it did NOT make me feel safer in any way. Instead, I felt violated as I was completely groped: my ass, breasts, and pussy were all felt up by the screener. This is sexual assault legalized and accepted by our government.

How much worse can it get? Really? What if our government starts requiring strip searches?



Most people are sheep who follow orders from authority figures without questioning. The McDonald's incident 5 years ago is proof of that:


The Nazis were just following orders in their time under the directive of "Fatherland Security". Our current state of government is making too many parallels.

Betrayal

Betrayal creates drama and I won't tolerate drama.

"Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship."

How do you react when someone you love betrays you? That depends on your self-esteem and stability. The right thing to do is walk away--even when it hurts.

People don't betray those whom they love. If someone betrays you, he doesn't care as much as you might want or hope for him to. This is true! Pay attention to actions as they are always more revealing than words.

What a revelation it is when you realize someone is not who you thought they were. When all the confidence you've given that person was in vain, you question your past and future ability to judge others worthy of your trust.. This causes grief while making you feel sad, ashamed, mad, and afraid. A rainbow of pastel emotions.

Unfortunately, someone I love dearly betrayed me: the one person I trusted more than anyone else in life. This came as a huge shock and slap in the face. When given the opportunity, he admitted fault but refused to fix it. So even though it hurt, I ceased contact.



My spiritual adviser, coincidently without me even telling her what happened, could sense I was unhappy and sent me this:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I celebrated my second Thanksgiving. The first was nontraditional: clams, salmon, lamb... Today's was turkey, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, ... YUMMY!

As I look back on my life, I have risen, fallen, and risen again. I am so grateful to have real friends who helped pull me through when I was unable to do for myself.

Here is a snapshot of my past few Novembers:
One year ago: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2009_11_01_archive.html
Two years ago: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2008_11_01_archive.html
Three years ago: http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2007_11_01_archive.html

Thank you to all my friends and family for being part of my life. I am grateful to all of you. Most importantly, thank you to the universe for always providing what is needed at the time. Now I am pursuing my dreams without limit. Even when my goals seem unrealistic, I get it done. I am confident, strong, and can accomplish anything. Ask anyone who knows me! I am happy to be a part of this world.

Moving Forward, as predicted

In line with the current horoscope, these dates are all exact. Something significant happened October 8th, today (November 7th), and I have things scheduled for November 8th/18th/29th and January 13th. This all makes sense to me.

Does it for you?

---

On November 7-8, following right on the heels of the New Moon in Scorpio, Neptune goes direct, Venus moves into her home sign Libra, and Mercury moves into enthusiastic Sagittarius -- all marking a shift of energies in the universe!

Neptune rules the world of the unseen and the hidden -- our dreams, our imagination, our subconscious, and our imagination. It also influences our psychological and spiritual make-up. Neptune has been retrograde in Aquarius since May 31, and this should have been a period of self-introspection. As Neptune turns direct, we have hopefully been able to figure out what is truly going on in our inner selves, and this will help us make better decisions as we move forward in our outward lives.

Venus, the planet of love, which has been retrograde in Scorpio since October 8, now reverses back to Libra, the sign of its ruler, on November 7 for a brief stay until November 29, when it moves back into Scorpio to stay there until January 13, 2011. Venus also turns direct on November 18.

Take advantage of the next twelve days to build harmony into your relationships which is what Libra really, really wants. Spend the next few days reflecting upon how you can move towards a better understanding in all your relationships. Think of the ways you can be more considerate and understanding and how you can nurture your relationships. You'll also want to party, indulge and spend on extravagances since Libra is a very outgoing and expensive sign. But wait until it goes direct, after which you'll have twelve wonderfully decadent days to really pamper yourself.

Mercury, the chatty and restless planet, moves into enthusiastic Sagittarius on November 8, as well, for a sojourn until January 13, which really suits this most mischievous of the planets. Mercury is a trickster of the zodiac, both communicative and ingenious. It is quick witted and sometimes sharp tongued. Since Sagittarius is notoriously outspoken, be on the lookout that you do not hurt sensitive feelings without intending to do so. This is also a time to boost morale and stay positive because Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, is also a great optimist. Use the energy to campaign for your cause and garner support from those around you.

Source: Astrology.com email

---

On a side note, here is my Destiny Card for today:

The Seven of Diamonds The Millionnaire's Card The Seven of Diamonds is one of the spiritual money cards. When it appears we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude. Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realizing and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.

Celibacy no more

Recently I had sex. I've missed sex for a long time. Now that I've had my itch scratched, I crave more. Those who have spoken to me know I'm a highly sexual person. Those who've experienced me know that that is an understatement. I enjoy sex...a lot. It's the act of sex which I enjoy. I'd rather fuck for 4 hours and not orgasm at all than have sex for 20 minutes ending with a great orgasm.

So, why did I stop having sex last year? Simple: to put an end to the drama in my life. Huh? Without a sexual partner, nobody was close enough to create drama for me. If someone tried, I'd just walk away.

How is now different? After removing the drama from my life and getting sober (14 months now!) I see the world clearly again. I know what I want out of life and what I don't. Just because sex is great isn't a good enough reason to date someone. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and I'm also not a casual sex kind of girl...

Here are the only reasonable options I have been able to come up with to stay single AND get laid regularly:

(1) I could have a long-term fuck buddy. = I already have one and he is fun (will happily refer for hot females). He has been my default go-to guy for several years whenever I've been single (although obviously not during my celibacy stint).... He lives far away and never pressures me. Unfortunately, his availability is limited. Finding a quality replacement would be tough.

(2) I could be a porn star. = I have given this serious consideration. Fuck buddy sex is meaningless fun. Becoming a porn star would also bring fame and fortune. And since the sex would be for work, it wouldn't feel casual. Not to mention I have a lot of friends in this industry; if I decide to go this route it'll be easy.

(3) I could escort. = This is another scenario I have thought a lot about. My libido can easily handle four times per day. Escorting would combine the pros of having a fuck buddy (non-committal drama-free sex) with the pros of being a porn star (lots of cash with sex being justified as work). From working as a stripper and being an escort client for much of my adult life, I understand this business reasonably well. Realistically, I worry I'd get addicted to having sex so often and enjoy it entirely too much.

AVN is in a few months. I have a lot to think about....

Mars is in Sagittarius for the next 6 weeks

On October 27-28, Mars the planet of action and passion moves into fiery Sagittarius for a sojourn until December 7, 2010.

Suddenly, all bets are off and what had been kept firmly under wraps, stored away in private places and hidden by Mars in Scorpio will come flashing out in the open. Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, has a wonderful directness and enthusiasm about it. It is ever the sunny optimist. It encourages, it motivates, and it boosts our morale. It is also known for speaking its mind and is possibly the most honest sign of the zodiac. Discretion and tact are not Sagittarian virtues!

Action-oriented Mars gets a tremendous boost with all this inspirational energy and turns into a crusading fireball. Be prepared for things to get noisy over the coming weeks as strong opinions get voiced and heated discussions take place. However, there will be no lingering bad feelings or bitterness left, regardless of how strong the storm blows. The Fire energy holds no grudges -- it speaks its mind and moves on!

The time is right to inject more adventure into your life, double up on your sports and exercise regimes. This is the time to start thinking of the coming holidays and decide how to best spend your money -- wisely. This is also the time to start dreaming and planning for your next escape and getaway!

But, most importantly -- this is the time to speak your mind and be truthful!

Mars in Sagittarius will give you the courage to get your ideas and comments aired to a wider audience than usual. This is not the time to whisper your plans, dreams and ideas hesitantly in a loved one's ears -- this is the time to get out your megaphone and shout it from the rooftops! At least, you will be assured that you will get heard where it matters most. The forces of the cosmos are with you!

Source: Astrology.com email

Drama-free sex

Is has been said that a woman knows within the first 5 minutes whether or not she will have sex with you. This is not accurate. The reality is that a woman knows right away when she will NOT have sex with you. Otherwise, you go into a "Yes" or "Maybe" category. The immediate Yes list usually requires exceptional looks or tons of money. Expect it to take a lot of time and energy to turn a Maybe into a Yes. All the while, at any time you can screw up and re-categorize yourself to No. Once you're a No, that is permanent. It is a slippery line and you rarely get status updates.

If a woman does have sex with you, you are now on "the list". This means that whenever she gets horny in the future, she'll often choose from her list instead of a random new guy. Why? Two reasons: (1) Most women don't want to raise their number of partners; and (2) Sexual skill isn't as common as one would hope. For every 10 guys you have sex with, one may stand out as amazing in bed. It's always a gamble. This makes the repeat sexual encounter with a partner you've already been with, even if casual, much more enticing.

Where guys screw this up
If you've had sex with a woman in the past and she decides to fuck you again, appreciate it for what it is and DO NOT turn it into something it isn't just to continue getting laid. If both of you really like each other and want a relationship, great! To be sure, this should be discussed prior to sex--not in a post-coital afterglow.

If you were not a good "couple", don't entertain the fantasy of getting back together!! Approach the new sex as a fuck buddy situation and be grateful she chose you. Unfortunately, too many men think the woman will not choose him again if he is honest about this. If she already did, she is cool with sex-only with you and will respect you more for being upfront and not toying with her emotions. Soak it up, enjoy, and don't fuck up the scenario.

Pretending to want anything more (if you don't) is an invitation for heartbreak and drama. On the flip side if you want to see her more, after you've had sex is the time to bring it up. I say after because if she doesn't feel the same, discussing during will ruin the sex for her and will put you in the future No category. Pay attention to the signs; it's easy to figure out if she wants more. Honesty here is always respected.

Getting on the list - Staying on the list
So, you don't want a relationship but you want to have sex? As most guys know, getting in isn't always simple. To make it worse, it's easy for a Maybe to turn himself into a No. Believe it or not, most guys are pushy or come off as desperate, possibly without even realizing it. This rarely works. When it does the girl either feels date raped or she gave you a one-time pity fuck (if you are lucky).

Be fun. Women like to have fun. Make it clear upfront that you don't like drama but you do like to play (this could be a general statement, it shouldn't put her on the spot). The guy who shows interest in his actions without constantly bringing it up or being pushy has the greatest chance of becoming her next Yes.

Once there, to be her future go-to man, make sure you put on a performance in bed. If you fuck her brains out, she will call you again and again. Relationship not needed.

Krukid / A.R.M.

The flights back from Europe were hectic. Wow. It took sheer determination and stamina for me to run through the St. Paul Minneapolis airport with all my luggage to make my flight back to Vegas. On this last flight, I expected to sleep. When I first sat down I was still coughing from having all the air expelled from my lungs as I ran from gate to gate. After catching my breathe and drinking a bottle of water, instead of napping I enjoyed a great 4 hour conversation with the rapper sitting next to me.



Krukid is a real African-American. Really--he moved to the States from Uganda!
He was in Minneapolis for business.



The conversation was fun and the flight flew by (pun intended). We exchanged information before leaving the airport. I am proud to call Krukid my newest friend.
Not only does he have a lot of talent, he is also extremely intelligent, well-spoken, and polite...and one of the better people I've met in Vegas. :)



The new album, 2 Africans and a Jew, is available for MP3 download. Click below:

Today is 10/10/10

What did you do to celebrate? I went to Monaco and saw the real Monte Carlo Casino. Afterward I picked up a cool (and cute!) Hungarian hitchhiker and drove him to Marseille. GREAT DAY!!!! :-D

Milan, Italy

Saw this on Italy's Yahoo: http://it.notizie.yahoo.com/46/20101007/video/vwl-usa-turista-filma-le-minacce-di-un-a-df14a31.html. Shameful....


To bring happiness to this post, Duomo is gorgeous!





Picture taken today:


And if course, Tiramisu from a nearby cafe:


I love Italy. Seriously, I could live here.

Do I have any wealthy Italian fans interested in an open marriage..?

As many of you may know, I am in Europe for a business trip.

Oktoberfest 2010 was absolutely a once in a lifetime experience (this was the 200th year). Can you believe they actually had a non-alcohol beer option? Pretty tasty too! And the Devil's Wheel ride (game?) is a MUST!! Oktoberfest may become a yearly event for me.



So far I have been to Spain, France, Switzerland, Germany, and the Czech Republic. What an adventure! Once I return back home and have time I will post a few more pictures. :)

Beers

MGD 64

64 calories
2 g carbohydrates
2.8% alcohol


It’s right on the bottle: Only 64 calories. And it claims the number one spot over Beck’s Premier Light because it’s a little lower in alcohol content. And that’s the politically correct choice, right?




Michelob Ultra

95 calories
3 g carbohydrates
4.2% alcohol



Michelob was one of the first to market a “low-carb” beer. But here’s a secret: Almost all the low-calorie brews are relatively close in carb count. (Sam Adams Light and Yuengling Lager Light are the notable exceptions.) Just look at the label. Which is exactly what you should be doing for anything you eat and drink.


Guinness Draught

126 calories
10 g carbohydrates
4% alcohol


Perhaps the most surprising beer on this list. The great taste of Guinness but with a calorie-count in the range of a light beer.

30 Roses

Empathy

Empathy = relating to and understanding another person's feelings.

Going on stage

Burning Man

Burning Man was again awesome! For anyone who hasn't been, look into it. It can be whatever you want it to be. For many it is a week-long party. For me it is a healing retreat.




Since I am nearby, I will be dancing at the Wild Orchid again September 8th-18th. :)

Kegels

These women recommend doing kegel exercises by pushing ice out of the vagina.



My comment was: "Lol, I also used to shoot items across the room! However, the act of pushing out like that actually weakens your pelvic muscles. It's a cool trick but important to do a lot of additional proper kegels to compensate. Proper kegels are pulling up and in--like when you have to pee and are holding it (before using the bathroom, not while stopping midstream--it's different)."


This woman gave good advice:

Don't Drown Your Food

Vampires Suck

When it comes to love movies--I enjoy the traditional boy/girl not vampire/prey. Which is why I watched the first Twilight movie but not the rest.

This movie is a comedy, though, so I may go see it:



(Yes, I have a warped sense of humor. This is a VERY MILD example.)

1 year = no alcohol

It has now been a FULL YEAR since I quit drinking!!
My life has changed dramatically.
All for the best!


I'd love for someone to buy me this shirt. *wink*

Undress Yourself - Madonna Parody

4 year relationships

I've been searching for my life partner--someone who will be "Mr. Right" forever. Is this just an illusion? Many people only stay together for life because they have children or financial ties and not because they are happily in love.
This isn't encouraging.

"Four years after getting married, about 10% are as happy as when they first got married--90% are not. Twenty to thirty years later it continues to go down." -- This Emotional Life, part 1.

My longest relationship was four years and my average is three.

If I change my outlook on relationships to just sharing a wonderful few years with someone before moving on, would that be so bad? Could it be healthier?

Tolerance would be lower, enjoyment higher. Expectations would change.
Accepting that relationships are meant to be temporary creates happier times together and less stress. No more sticking it out super-gluing a failing relationship. No disrespect. Relationships would be complimentary. People wouldn't allow themselves or their partner to fall apart. No compromising of yourself for your partner. When the relationship is no longer synergistic, breaking up would be logical and wouldn't cause hard feelings. Both people move on in whatever way that continues making them happy and remain friends.

With this adapted foundation, flourishing relationships may even have long term possibilities. Hmmmm, I will have to give this some more serious thought.

Duck Face

Why do some women do this?!?       *sigh*



A perfect example is Bri Baby on Myspace. She's totally hot...but almost all of her pics have the Duck Face pose. :-(     She'd be so much prettier with a smile.


For what it's worth, this applies to just about everyone. Your pics are your pics. Smile! Look friendly and attractive! Don't embarrass yourself or others.

Have you heard the Mel Gibson tapes yet?

Here's the link: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/07/exclusive-audio-listen-all-mel-gibson-tapes-here

From listening to them it is clear that Mel is abusive and unbalanced. However, I do believe that we are only hearing snippets because Oksana is pushing his buttons and getting him to the breaking point. That is no excuse for Mel, though. A real man won't act that way.

Narcissists look like men, have penises, do "man chores", yet are only a shell. They believe normal rules do not apply to them and are incapable of having feelings for anyone else. Shockingly 5% of men are narcissists--that's 1 out of every 20! Mel isn't a man; he's a narcissist who cannot see beyond himself. He doesn't even know what he's missing. Sad..

Twitter?

Okay I'm going to give in and start tweeting. Today I contacted Twitter to start the process of having the www.twitter.com/trixieracer account turned over to me. Since I've never used Twitter before and this will be new for me, please be patient as I learn how it all works. :-)

Hunter S. Thompson's birthday

Hunter Stockton Thompson
July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005

"Young people of America, awake from your slumber of indolence and harken to the call of the future! Do you realize that you are rapidly becoming a doomed generation? Do you realize that the fate of the world and of generations to come rests on your shoulders? ...Oh ignorant youth, the world is not a joyous place. The time has come for you to dispense with the frivolous pleasures of childhood and get down to honest toil until you are sixty-five. Then and only then can you relax and collect your social security and live happily until the time of your death."

Signed Fearfully and Disgustingly Yours,
John J. Righteous Hypocrite

What kind of a life are you creating for yourself?

Life is what we make it. When bad things happen, we can sulk about how bad our life situation is or we can take control and create the best possible life. Either way, the bad thing has happened. You are in control of your future.



Do you want happiness? Than claim it!

For iphone fans

...


For all the geeks out there:

Happy Independence Day!

A year ago I celebrated July 4th by taking back my life and becoming independent. It was the best move I could have possibly made. Levels of independence: sexual, financial, emotional. I don't need anyone else in my life. I am comfortable in my own skin and am happy by myself. If I decide to allow someone in to share my life with me, that person will have to be very special and deserving.

"Alice"

Recently I have been looking at websites that I shouldn't. Not only did I fall off the wagon in this regard, it ran over me and took a picture. (No, you CAN'T see the picture! :-p)

So, I'll admit, tonight I was looking at escort ads... I've been celibate for so long now, I figured it couldn't hurt to check out some hot girls. With my history of hiring ladies, this is a slippery slope... But a smart man once told me that "We never do anything that we can't rationalize." I was being bad and knew it.

It just happened that I was lingering over a specific ad when I noticed someone posted a response comment:

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

Wow, what a slap in the face reminder! In case you don't recognize it, it is from Sexaholics Anonymous. I have been to a few dozen meetings--SA, AA, NA, OA. Next month marks one year completely sober from alcohol and drugs. Since I removed the triggers from my life, it's been easy. I've been telling myself that by remaining sober for a whole year would be proof that I can keep myself in check. My long term goal was never to quit forever, but to regain control of my life. After I achieve this goal I will likely indulge in an Ireland/Amsterdam vacation to celebrate. >;-)    

Unlike drugs and alcohol, giving up sex hasn't been as simple. Sex is a normal part of life; intimacy is too. I have refrained from both of these since last year. Considering I've been working in an adult environment, this is much harder than you can possibly imagine. And by my web use lately, it is apparent that full abstinence may not be the best solution for my sex addiction. But if not that, what?

The birth of Internet Porn

We all love it!

Baby Survives After Stroller Falls Off Australia Train Platform

I believe that we create most of what happens in our lives. If you're negative, you will attract circumstances which create more negativity. If you are a positive person filled with faith of good, you will experience a happy positive life. However, sometimes true miracles happen.

Two poems

A friend sent me this via email:

A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Jesus Camp

Today I watched "Jesus Camp."I must admit, I am appalled. The children there aren't taught to think for themselves. Instead, they are directly brainwashed. Jesus Camp even goes so far to say that evolution is wrong and Creationism is the only theory that makes sense. (!)

These poor kids are taught prejudice and brainwashed into believing "America is supposed to be God's Nation." The camp head doesn't deny it either: "You can call it brainwashing but I am radically passionate about teaching children their responsibility as Christians, as God-fearing people, as Americans if you want to take it there."

"Take these prophecies and make war with them. This means war! This means war! This means war! Are you a part of it or not?"

A young girl around 10 years old said, "I feel like we're kinda being trained to be warriors, only in a much funner way. We don't, like, I don't feel a sense of afraid to die in battle or anything like you would when you're actually going off to a war in the physical. There's a peace with it all too. There's an excitement yet peace at the same time. It's really cool!" The boy next to her adds, "You know a lot of people die for God and stuff and they're not even afraid." To top it off, the girl's father told her that when he and his fellow soldiers go to war they jump right into it shouting "Martyr, martyr!!" The girl finished off with another, "It's really cool!"

According to this film, 25% of all Americans and 75% of all home-schooled children are Evangelical Christians. It is a horrifying thought that these kind of extreme views could possibly be that widespread. I'd like to believe that this video portrays only the most fanatical sect and is not typical of what most Evangelicals believe. I could look it up, but I really don't want confirmation.

The degree to which religion with politics were zealously intermingled was shocking. "You made a covenant with God tonight that you're going to pray to end abortion in America. Don't take that lightly. Don't be a promise breaker. Don't be a promise breaker--be a history maker." Such a statement could easily be interpreted in a grand, yet dangerous, way.

Regarding George Bush's nomination of Judge Samuel Alito for Supreme Court Judge:

"What we worked on for 30 years is coming to culmination to consummation right now. And let's, let's confirm this man, Judge Alito, to the US Supreme Court and let's make one more step towards bringing America back to one nation under God. God bless you."

Ted Haggard, President of National Association of Evangelicals, speaks out: "We don't have to think about what we believe about homosexual activity--it's written in the bible." OMG!! This man was a weekly adviser to President Bush!!!

"There's a new church like this popping up every two days in America. It's gotten enough growth to essentially sway every election. If the Evangelicals vote, they determine the election. It's a fabulous life!"

The woman who runs the camp knowingly stated, "The extreme liberals, they've got to be looking at this and shaking in their boots." While I don't consider myself an extreme liberal by any means, I am terrified that this may become the new America.

The biggest little city

Reno may be my favorite city to dance in. The club is awesome, the other dancers are friendly, and it is a much different vibe than Vegas.



With all the time I've been dancing, nobody has ever made me a dollar bill horse before. Not only is it original but it uses multiple bills!! Two great ladies constructed this on my stage for me. I very carefully carried it to the locker room and took pictures. Then I stapled it together so it will always be my horse. YAY!! :)



You know you've made an impression when the stripper would rather keep your dollar bill structure or origami instead of spending it. ;)

XBIZ Vegas

It's been a long while since I've attended a porn convention. While I had no intention on attending this one, due to circumstances I was nearby. Since I was driving in from Northern California, I swung by Los Angeles and picked up Roy Karch.


For those of you who do not already know, he is THE MAN! He and I are exactly alike, he's just 30 years older, a man, and is the one responsible for bringing porn into your bedroom! Having shot over 600 films, Roy Karch is the longest standing porn director in the Industry.



D-Money invited me to the Players' Ball. Too $hort performed. I've seen him lots of times at Players' Balls and at the Playboy Mansion but he always puts on a great show. It was fun seeing so many friends.

I met a super hot and playful porn star: Ashley Fires. She is truly MUCH more beautiful than her pictures (and I am still sober--so this is an accurate statement, lol). To top it off, her personality is incredible. Amazing.


In case it isn't entirely obvious, I'm looking forward to seeing her again! ;)

San Francisco Golden Gate Park Murder

(The above flier can be downloaded full-size at this link)

It has been a year and a half since Brandon was murdered. Someone knows something. Times are tough and people are poor and unemployed. Is the new $100,000 reward enough to turn on a shady friend who is a bad person? I sure hope so.

• People with information that might be relevant, should contact:
  
  Inspector Brian Delahunty
  
  (415) 553-1336
  
  brian.delahunty@sfgov.org
  

  
  Or, Christine Evans
  (Brandon's Mom) at rewardforbrandon@gmail.com
  
  

  
  

  
  
  Please contribute to the Justice for Brandon Fund

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

• Brandon Evans

  
  

Aspartame

Seriously. Most people don't pay attention at all to what they put in their body. I was guilty of this for a long time. Years ago I stopped eating MSG, thinking it was the only evil thing I could put into my body. HA! Ignorance is bliss sometimes...until you get sick.



Aspartame is made from: Aspartic acid 40%, Methanol 10%, Phenylalanine 50%. Not only have I stopped consuming aspartame but I check ingredient lists for asparatame building blocks. I actively avoid corn syrup too (much more difficult than you would imagine if you don't cook all of your own meals). For the most part I now Eat Clean. My health has improved and my body now looks better than it has in years. But this isn't about me. This posting is to make YOU think about what you put into your own body. Do you eat foods with ingredients you cannot even pronounce? Have you looked them up on the internet so see what they are?

Nice Guys

I took the "Do you Like Bad Boys?" quiz in the book "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top". Not surprisingly, I scored overwhelmingly that I prefer to date nice guys. :)

Care to keep your job?

Most people don't realize how much their employer can monitor them. It's important to protect your job by taking precautions.

Psssst--Your Boss Is Spying on You!
These days, even your instant messages are tracked.

Think your privacy is protected at the office? Think again. In fact, if you're reading this at work, there's a very good chance that your boss is, too.

While we no longer live in the days when Henry Ford could freely inspect his employees' homes, technological advances have erased the idea of employee privacy at work.

Employers monitor employees not only to rate employee performance but also to assess and prevent security risks, fraud, and sexual harassment. Modern workers are exposed to a wide variety of privacy-invasive procedures such as drug and psychological testing, video surveillance, phone monitoring, location tracking, computer monitoring, email filtering, instant-message archiving, and keystroke logging.

Industries notorious for their extensive practice of employee monitoring include financial services, telecommunications, pharmaceuticals, insurance, and government. But no one with a job is safe from workplace privacy invasions.

How private are your activities at your workplace? Not very. Here are some things you need to know:

Your employer can--and likely does--read your e-mail. More companies than ever are reading employee email. Nearly three-fourths use technology tools to sort the email, but 40 percent actually have a real person who reads and reviews emails. So if you're one of the 79 percent of employees who use a work email account to send or receive personal messages, beware! And you're not even safe using your personal account on your work computer, since emails are sent through the same server, giving employers access to everything.

Your company probably tracks your phone use. Although the law varies among states, employers often monitor employee phone use. According to a recent surveillance study, 51 percent of companies track the numbers dialed and time spent on the phone, 12 percent record phone conversations, and 8 percent review voicemail messages. Some states don't require a warning to employees that this extensive monitoring is in effect; you can find out by asking your HR department.

Your employer may monitor your personal text messages on your company cell phone. Employees of private companies should have no expectation of privacy when using company-issued handheld communication devices. However, unlike emails stored on the company server, text messages are archived by cell phone companies--and many employers do not pay for access.

Even your IM conversations aren't sacred. Back in 2005, only 10 percent of companies tracked their employees' instant messages. However, as IMs have become more pervasive, more companies are investing in tracking software for IM monitoring.

Your boss can monitor your Facebook account, even if you restrict public viewing. If you access your favorite social media profiles on your work computer, you give your employer instant access to your entire profile. In fact, a recent study reveals that more than 70 percent of corporations have access to employees' use of social media.

Your employer can access your personal photos, videos, music, and more. Do you ever charge your phone or camera through your work computer? According to Jeffrey Keener, senior security engineer at Guidance, a company that produces company security software, "If you had an iPod or a digital camera charging through the USB port, we could browse all the files that were stored on the device."

To top it all off, your boss can probably track your every move. If your workplace has a CCTV (closed-circuit TV) system, then you already know you're being watched. But there are subtler ways for employers to track your location. Employee ID "key badges" help employers track where you've been, security software can track how long you spend away from your computer, and the GPS program on your company-issued cell phone can provide your exact location at all times.

With some computer-monitoring programs priced as low as $30, more and more employers see employee monitoring as a valuable investment. So the next time you decide to surf the Web for non-work-related reasons, send a personal email through your work email account, or sneak out for an extra long lunch, just remember that you're likely being watched.

Source: http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/career-articles-psssst_your_boss_is_spying_on_you-1265

Studying: it's already worth it now. :)

The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.


You can never have "too much" knowledge. Exercise your brain!

9 Marriage Rules You SHOULD Break?!?

I *completely* disagree with this article: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/9-marriage-rules-you-should-break-1387877/

Padded underwear?

Are you kidding me? This is a real ad!!

Booty Pop Panties Make Flat Fannies Look Bootylicious

Booty Pop undies claim to make your butt look so out of this world that people will ask you if you are wearing astronaut pants. Yes ladies, your flat fanny will be ignored no more with these fun colored and shaped underwear.

Booty Pop panties have inserts in the rear to give a little cushion to your behind. With these playful underoos you can go from looking like Kate Moss to Kim Kardashian in no time.

- - - - - - - - - -

Or...you could just go to the gym! Yes it's a lot more work but imagine not seeing the disappointment in your lover's eyes when you take off your pants. That alone should make it worth it. ;-)

My friend's son was killed

His name was Brandon Lee Evans and he was a really good kid. Here is the website for more information: www.justiceforbrandon.com

This letter was written by Christine, Brandon's mom:

My son was murdered in San Francisco Golden Gate Park on November 29, 2008. I have not given up on finding the person(s) who did this very cowardly act on my son. They took him from those who loved him at a very young age of barely 20 years old. Please do me a favor and send an email and/or letter by mail to the below information, to America's Most Wanted. In the letter please notate in your own words to please air this story on TV to help find Justice for Brandon Lee Evans and capture the people who did this. There is a $100,000. REWARD & a Hotel in San Francisco who has offered to pay for America's Most Wanted Hotel expenses if they do a story on Brandon. Please keep the letter simple, as I am sending this letter out to everyone I can in hopes that everyone will at least...send to 10 people, and request that they too request that they have their people send to at least 10 more. My goal is to send as many letters to America's Most Wanted in hopes that they will be flooded with letters and do a story on my son, Brandon Lee Evans. The way it works on how they choose a story is...randomly selected. In which, I believe the more popular a story is in the media...they will do it. I believe that with the help of this airing nationwide...we have a better chance of finding who did this forsaking act. Again, keep it simple...as a request to do the story and include the website his name, my name...Christine Evans and my contact information rewardforbrandon@gmail.com

I appreciate everyone who receives this to lend a helping hand to bringing Justice to Brandon and his family & friends.

With Sincere Appreciation,

Much Love....
Christine Evans

* * * * * * * * * *

For those of you who read my blog, please take 5 minutes of your time to quickly send America's Most Wanted a letter. The letter should be a request for America's Most Wanted to air this story on TV in order to help find Justice for Brandon Lee Evans and capture his killer(s). Think of it as your good deed for the day--it could really make a difference. Thank you.

Gregory Howell, Associate Producer
America's Most Wanted
E-mail: ghowell@amw.com

America’s Most Wanted
PO Box Crime TV
Washington DC 20016

My Ideal Partner 2010

I have done this the past two years in a row -- 2008 and 2009.

Here is 2010:

Who I am: honest even when it hurts to be, zest for life, no regrets, old soul, enjoys reading, grounded, sober, self aware, adventurous, highly sexual, happy, tenacious, intelligent, free and living day by day, believes everything happens for a reason, non-smoker, motivated, fit, romantic, loyal friend, realist, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, lifetime student, positive, healthy eater, sports fan, computer geek, generous, loving, kinky, trustworthy, dog & cat owner, fair, optimistic, logical, not jealous, reliable, awesome boobs, thinks outside the box, one-of-a-kind, independent, thoughtful, spiritual, respectful, "show off", teacher, loves traveling, grateful, helps friends move, accepts people for who they are, sense-of-humor, spontaneous, playful, ex-pat, turns my dreams into reality, not afraid to say "no", liberal yet conservative, motherly, bisexual, confident, lovable, pretty, likes crossdressers, child-free, good in bed, athletic.
Caution: high maintenance, irresponsible at times, talks too fast and too much, clumsy, bipolar, loves cake.


My ideal partner has these qualities: knows and likes the true me, honest even when it hurts to be, is my best friend, respectful, treats me as an equal, mental/physical/financial/emotional support, genius intelligence, zest for life, we talk about everything, trustworthy, gives me space, always takes my feelings into consideration, romantic, helps me better myself, spontaneous, ex-pat mentality, likes cats & dogs, listens to me, computer geek, gentleman, teaches me, makes me laugh, builds and repairs things, thinks outside-the-box, acts like a man and treats me like a lady, smart in ways I'm not, fair, includes me, worldly, takes chances, puts me in my place, likes to learn, high sex drive, reliable, family values, motivated, loves himself, articulate, enjoys traveling, athletic, same political beliefs, confident, spiritual, good-in-bed, loves unconditionally, shares hopes and dreams, funny, cuddles, responsible, generous, non-smoker, loyal, not jealous, healthy eater, can stop me from eating cake.
Without any of these qualities: lies, dishonest, violent, scares me, makes me feel bad about myself, insensitive, disrespectful, drug addiction, alcoholic.

My celibacy journey

It is no secret that I am a sex addict. I have alluded to it in previous postings and openly talk about it with my friends. My libido craves 4 times per day at a few hours per session. After my last relationship ended, I decided that good sex isn't worth the drama anymore and made a decision to remain celibate.

When I first started this journey, it was difficult. I read Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addictionand filled out the worksheets inside. It is important to mention that this also included no masturbation so initially I was chewing skin which had previously been covered by fingernails.



After the first few weeks, a strange clarity swept over me and life became peaceful and less stressful. This was unexpected and is the reason I've been able to maintain abstinence. All my friends have been very supportive (even if they don't fully understand) and have seen positive changes in me. Selfishly-motivated people cannot hide their disdain and are phased out of my life.

For a woman with a high sex drive, even a few months is an eternity--and it has been MUCH longer than that. In fact, I realized today that this is actually the longest I have refrained from sex since the very first time I had sex! Celibacy isn't a lifetime decision for me, but it is still the right choice for now. How long will it be before I have sex again? I have no idea. Jokingly I say I am waiting until marriage and, who knows, maybe...

stumbled across TMZ's website

...and found this Big Lebowski porn parody trailer (featuring my good friend, Roy Karch). If you liked the original movie, this will be a special treat:


TMZ primarily features star gossip, paparazzis, etc.. Since I don't watch TV and I don't read tabloids, imagine my fascination. This is much more typical of what is up there: