When you fail to follow your dreams, you cheat yourself out of being you. Be proud of who you are and don't back down. Be a winner at the game of life!
So this is the end of the story
Everything we had, everything we did
Is buried in dust
And this dust is all that's left of us
But only a few ever worried
Though the signs were clear, they had no idea
You just get used to living in fear
Or give up
When you can't even picture your future
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open...
Some people offered up answers
We made out like we heard, but they were only words
They didn't add up
To a change in the way we were living
And the saddest thing-
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming is to stop being human
And why would I make a change if you won't
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat
For the moment
And we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we..
Walk the plank with our eyes wide open
With our eyes wide open we...
Walk the plank, we walk the plank
And that was the end of the story
I have mentioned having a Theme Song, just like Ally McBeal. For
those of you who have never thought about this before, it probably seems like a silly
concept. It was practically ridiculed on the show. Yet, there is so much
power in it.
A few months back, I put a different CD in my car (my current car only has 1 CD slot instead of 6). This means that I was no longer hearing my Theme Song every day. Instead, I was listening to Keane. Most of the songs on this particular album are sad and remind me of 2005/2006. Unpleasant memories. While I love Keane and their music is truly beautiful, it certainly should not be considered Theme Song material. I was not intentionally replacing my Theme Song, yet I was now listening to this other CD everyday in it's place.
Can you guess what happened? I started getting depressed. My motivation dwindled. Once I put my current theme song back on, within a day or two I was back to being my normal productive and happy self. Wow .Our music really is that powerful.
This got me to thinking... When I lived in Vegas and drank to excess, I was regularly listening to The Dresden Dolls.
The two songs, Girl Anachronism and My Alcoholic Friends, were daily aspects of my life. Every day, I listened to both of these before going to work and after returning home. For awhile, Girl Anachronism was even my ringtone! Unknowingly, I was priming myself to remain a mess.
I still like the music I used to listen to, but I rarely listen to it anymore. Living a happy life is my priority--not one filled with self-doubt, drama, and sadness. Just like we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with, music can shape our personality and mood.
If you have a daily ritual including a specific song, you already have a
Theme Song. Now, think about it. What are the words? Do they align with
the life you want to live and the person you want to be? What about the
other music you listen to: is the general theme positive or negative?
Seriously, you should analyze this.
What a Theme Song is:
Your personal motivational song which lifts you up and propels you toward your goals
What a Theme Song is NOT:
Your favorite song or any song which you like yet doesn't improve your mood AND motivate you
It's been 10 years since my sister died. It's also been 10 years since my lover died. 2005 was a tough year. Both died by suicide.
A lot can happen in 10 years.
What does death do to us? It's not predictable and never the same.
Over the next few years, I handled these deaths by self-medicating: drinking a lot, using drugs, and involving myself in unhealthy relationships. Since I lived in Las Vegas, self-medication was the norm and acceptable behavior. My real support system dwindled and was replaced by people who also didn't care about themselves. Secretly I wanted to die, but since my loved ones had taken their own lives, I knew that killing myself would be too painful for those who cared about me. If I overdosed, it would be less painful. I had a relationship with a man who wanted to pimp me (thankfully I got away). I needed love and a lifesaver, yet was too broken to recognize those who wanted to take advantage.
It took me longer than normal to recover from these deaths because, due to self-medication, I didn't grieve the way I should have. Experiencing the stages of grief is essential for recovery. I was in horrible pain, so self-medicating felt like the right thing to do at the time. However, it was directly because of it that I didn't heal sooner. Fast forward to now. I've been sober 6 years. Despite going through some major hardships, I live a happy, drama-free life. My support system is small, but excellent. Life is good.
Even when everything seems hopeless, even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you have choices. How you move forward does make a difference. If you choose to self-medicate, it will get you through but it will extend the hurt. If you don't, you will hurt more intently, but it won't last for nearly as long.
Here is a song I have been enjoying a lot lately that plays on the radio often. I thought I knew what it was about until I saw the video. Just like with life; sometimes we make assumptions when the truth (in hindsight) was clearly there if we had only paid enough attention and read between the lines...
People may be scared of themselves, what they might lose, their image, or just in denial, but few are actually honest with others about who they are at their core. The example above just happens to be a really big one. The book, The Four Agreements, reminds us that other people do not think like us. This concept is difficult for me to assimilate. *sigh* Sure I know people think differently, but I naturally assume that their motives are pure and that they are as honest and forthright as I am. That is silly because in reality I am assuming they are the exception.
Four months ago, I said I was going to re-adopt Shine by Henry Rollins as my Theme Song. While I love this song and I feel it is very inspirational, I haven't been listening to it as I should. Therefore, it is time for a new Theme Song.
Butterfingers is not well known in the US, but they have been one of my favorite bands for many years. This song, Get up Outta The Dirt, is my new theme song. It's perfect for keeping a positive perspective and working towards goals.
There’s never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt
Out the dirt
There’s never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt
Out the dirt
If you sniffle ‘cause your life is difficult, that’s typical
But you get what you give
Karma is reciprocal
And I’m critical of people on my nuts
Can’t see why I’m crippled but they’re stuck up in their ruts
Quick to make a fuss and to bust up the bubble
So this is my rebuttal to "We Like ‘Em When They’re Trouble"
I got a couple of bones to pick
It’s your life, don’t whine, take ownership
Get up, stand up, throw your hands up
While high, jerk your mind back from propaganda
With anti-slander, truth too candor
And it’s good for the goose as it is for the gander
Every gamut of the planet reaps what it sows
So forget about your hair and forget about your clothes
Same goes for your woes, for the moment is priceless
Puberty blues becomes mid-life crisis
SURPRISE!
You get wiser, older, fatter
Lose your mind and control of your bladder
Mad as a hatter, pissin’ in your pants
But everybody’s ugly if you give them a chance
There’s never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
There’s never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
This isn’t an attack or a lack of compassion
But you gotta get yourself back into action
Tap into your passion and follow it up
Either that, or let the madness swallow you up
How full is your cup, half-full or half empty?
You’re the envy of plenty, tread gently
Apathy is deadly and if you got seeds of doubt
With means to sprout, you need to weed them out
Or read about people with real cares
I feel for the hunger-stricken killed in Zaire
Children die there from extreme poverty
In perspective, my problems don’t bother me
Think positive, forget about the negative
There’s never been a better time to get your shit together
It's bad etiquette to bitch and moan
With your nice clean clothes and your mobile phone
If you can’t see your feet ‘cause you over-eat
And that’s your biggest problem, then your life is sweet
Not sleepin’ on the street, then you probably got it good
Get up, put your head up, if you can then you should
There’s never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
There's never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
Stand up straight, stand up straight!
Don't take no shit, don’t take no shit!
Hands on your shoulders, shoulders over hips
It's time for a change, time for a change!
So make it swift, make it swift!
You're only getting older with the lifeline that you live
There's never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
Get up stand up, throw your hands up
While high, jerk your mind back from propaganda
There's never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt, outta the dirt
This isn't an attack or a lack of compassion
Outta the dirt
But you gotta get yourself back in the action
There's never been a better time than right now
Right now!
To get up outta the dirt
Get up outta the dirt! Outta the dirt
Get up outta the dirt!
There's never been a better time than right now
To get up outta the dirt
Get up outta the dirt! Outta the dirt
Get up outta the, get up outta the dirt!
Ally McBeal had a theme song. I used to also. It was Shine by Rollins Band.
If I'd listened everything that they said to me, I wouldn't be here!
And if I took the time to bleed from all the tiny little arrows shot my way, I wouldn't be here!
The ones who don't do anything are always the ones who try to put you down.
And you could spend your entire life walking around in the nowhere land of self doubt
'Coz when you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive!
It's time, it's time. It's time to align your body with your mind.
It's hero time.
It's time, it's time. It's time to align your body with your mind.
It's hero time.
'Coz when you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive!
...and you know it's true!
I'm talking to you: hero time starts right now! Hey! Hero time, yeah,
time to shine, hey, hero time!
If you think you've got 100 years to mess around--you're wrong!
This time is real, your time is now... it's hero time!
Yeah, hero time, hey, time to shine, yeah, hero time, yeah!
Hard times are getting harder, the liars are acting strong.
You better get a grip on yourself or you won't be around too long.
It's hero time, hey, time to shine, yeah.
Hero time, yeah, hero time, yeah!
It's hero time. It's hero time. Time to shine, shine, shine, shine, shine!
Oh yeah! (X3)
No such thing as spare time. No such thing as free time.
No such thing as down time. All you've got is life time... GO!
'Coz it's hero time, 'coz it's time to shine.
'Coz it's time to go, go, go! yeah, hey!
When you're gone, you're so gone. (X2)
You've got it now, it's time to go.
Hero time starts right now! Yeah, uh-huh..! ...Change it!
I've got grace in times of friction. I got truth in times of fiction.
I've got no time for the hype... Suicide!? I'm not that type...
I've got no time for drug addiction, no time for smoke and booze.
Too strong for a shortened life span, I've got no time to lose!
It's time to shine, yeah, it's hero time, yeah, it's hero time, yeah,
yeah!
When you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive!
Yeah!
You could spend your entire life walking around, coward.
Or you can get up!
Get up, get up, get up, get up! It's time to shine! Yeah...
I am reclaiming my theme song. I am focused, on-track, and playing it daily...
Everybody has liked a song--even caught themselves singing the chorus--without ever really paying attention to all the words. That was my experience today when I finally heard this song's story for the first time. The lyrics portray the sad life of an attractive female drug addict. This is the life of too many. Reminds me of Vegas.
White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste
Lights gone, days end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men
And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And she don't want to go outside, tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, for angels to fly
Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes
Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone
And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
But she don't want to go outside, tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
Its too cold outside
For angels to fly
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life
This time, we'll fade out tonight
Straight down the line
And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
They scream
The worst things in life come free to us
And we're all under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And we don't want to go outside, tonight
And in the pipe we fly to the motherland We sell love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, angels to fly
To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Angels to die
2005 and 2006 were very tough years for me. Among other catastrophes, a few of my loved ones died unexpectedly. While I won't ever "get over" their deaths, eventually I stopped self-medicating and learned healthy coping and acceptance.
As part of my sobriety, I receive a daily "gift" email. Here's today's:
"Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box." -- Alpha English
It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment. It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years. Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief. I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.
Being the anniversary of my sister's death, today's message hit home. Some surprises are good, some bad, some wonderful, others horrific. Often you can't change what happened. Living a good life, being kind to people, having a quality support system, and remaining positive, are the secrets to enjoying the prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks box.
Random acts of kindness make the world a better place. It doesn't take much. Make it your New Year's resolution to practice at least one random act of kindness per week. You will be a better person for it. So will those people you encounter. :)
When I find a man I like enough to date, I can be very flirty and aggressive. Some men are suspicious and worry when it doesn't take a lot of work to win a woman over that she must not be worthy of being with. Either that, or they have such low self-esteem that they can't believe a beautiful woman truly likes them for them. Very strange. Luckily, since I don't want to be with a man so suspicious or with low-self esteem, my aggressive style helps to weed them out. :)
I am me, upfront, honest, and go after what I want in life. If a man doesn't have these same qualities, we probably won't be compatible. I certainly don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't totally into me. Why is it that people generally want to have to fight to win their partners? The way I look at it...if I have to convince someone to like me, we are not meant to be--and I move on.
Often I wonder if I am meant to be single. I'm not anti-relationship; I am picky. Trying to date is often too much drama and I hate drama. If I'm going to spend my time with someone, he needs to be worth it for me. I am not one of those women who hops into one relationship right after the last. During the past 10 years, I have been single for five, in serious relationships for four, and in an open relationship for one.
If my fuck buddy were local, I doubt I would try to date at all. While I don't mind being alone, my 10-speed purple vibrator gets old...
Maybe it's natural curiosity to want to know.. I don't know. I've NEVER asked a sex partner how many there were before me. Why? It's none of my business!! Nor will I answer that question for anyone else.
Guys are so silly. Most of them want a girl who has only had sex with a few men. Because of this, the average woman will lie and say 3-7. Yet how quickly did she sleep with you? Some men believe that a woman should have sex with them within three dates. First of all, I completely disagree with this and usually hold off for months when I want to pursue a relationship with a man. Second, any guy who believes that a woman who slept with him so early has only had a few sex partners is lying to himself.
Get the numbers. A woman is 30. She claims she lost her virginity at 17 and that she has only had 4 partners. Most of her relationships have lasted 3 years. Hmmmm. 13 years divided by 3 equals 4.333. This is plausible enough for you to believe her. Now--really think about it. How long did she wait before having sex with you? Do you believe that every single guy she fucked was a good guy and serious about a relationship? Does she ever go out and party? Did she? Does she have any "bad girl" girlfriends?
Instead of caring how many sex partners your girlfriend had before you, all that you should care about is who she is fucking now. Is it only you? Do you care if she has sex with other people? Is she disease-free? If you both agree to the sexual terms of your relationship, nothing else should matter.
NEVER ASK QUESTIONS WHEN YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ACCEPT ANY ANSWER. Women: this goes for you too. Don't look down on a guy because he admits to having hired hookers. Most men have. Get over it. You should be grateful for his honesty. People are not born great lovers; it takes time and experimentation.
If your partner is good in bed without needing additional "training", consider yourself lucky and don't stress!
I was thinking "I can't afford to donate, I'm barely making it right now." Then I looked down at my KFC tray and realized I'm just fooling myself. Even if it's just a small donation (like that of a single fast food meal), it all adds up. If you're reading this, even if it's just a dollar, HELP THEM OUT! They are good people with a quality message. :)
Most people have a set "type" of person who they are attracted to. That doesn't apply to me. Every man I've been with is completely different than every other. With one exception--and he was a combination of everyone I had dated (weird, right?). I like variety.
Since I started attending adult entertainment conventions, I've been physical with only a few men in the industry.
Richard Young - He and I seriously dated for awhile. Not casual at all.
Roy Karch - We have always been good friends and dated briefly.
Jason Quinlan - Since 2005, Jay has been my default go-to guy whenever I've been single. We've never dated and there's no drama; we are fuck buddies--nothing more. Pretty impressive in the sack and always makes me squirt. If you have ever wondered why he gets so much pussy, he DESERVES IT!
someone else who shall remain nameless - I was horny, Jay was unavailable, this man was in town. A random industry hookup--not something I do.
Despite working as a stripper for years, I can be shy when it comes to my personal life. Most of the men I've had mini-crushes on never knew:
(A couple are taken. A few are missed opportunities. Some still make me wonder...)
Huda Mahdi- Absolute gentleman. He is awesome; the type of man one hopes to marry. Of course he lives half a world away and already has an incredibly gorgeous girlfriend. She is a lucky lucky girl.
Mackenzie McAleer - Handsome, intelligent, ex-pat with a zest for life. HOT!
Brad Mitchell - LOL, Brad. Totally the kind of geek I would date. He's been on my Yes list for a long time but, since he's married, I've kept my distance.
Vid Vicious - I have so much respect for this man. One of the few exceptions to my "no casual sex" rule...I would do Vid. Always a complete gentleman.
Charles Michael - We have been flirting for years. He's smart, cute, funny, and a gentleman. I could seriously date him. Too bad he lives in cold Canada. Kevin Blatt- We have tons in common and mutual interests. With all the hours we used to chat on the phone, yeah, I'm curious...
Halcyon - Back in the day I would've jumped at the opportunity for a threeway with Tassy and Halcyon but never got the chance.
Lance Harrell - Total cutie! We are into a lot of the same things sexually. Unfortunately, we know each other too well to date or play. *sigh*
Dave Urban - So gorgeous that I can barely speak in his presence.
Marc Womack - Had I been single, I probably would've offered up a threeway with him and Shey. He just oozes "good in bed"; so does she. Christopher Keller and Mike Tompkins - Both are too young for me to pursue, but in masturbation land they are my boy toys.
Do I stay single because of shyness? Not at all. I enjoy being single. For me to get in a relationship, that person has to be someone I like "as-is".
If I have to change someone, then it won't work (for either of us).
This is why I like to know someone well before we move forward.
It isn't fun being surprised with incompatibilities after it's too late. That said, even the majority of the men on my crush list are not men whom I would actually date.
In January 2003 Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles became the first ever recipients of the Annual Howard Stern Award for excellence in the field of music. They are rude, funny, out of control, shock rock.
Their most recent song has been leaked early before their 4th album release--just in time to cause controversy with today's Black Eyed Peas Superbowl show:
Is there such a thing as going too far? The first amendment protects parody speech and Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles is obviously that. While they may be over most people's line, it's still parody.
The flights back from Europe were hectic. Wow. It took sheer determination and stamina for me to run through the St. Paul Minneapolis airport with all my luggage to make my flight back to Vegas. On this last flight, I expected to sleep. When I first sat down I was still coughing from having all the air expelled from my lungs as I ran from gate to gate. After catching my breathe and drinking a bottle of water, instead of napping I enjoyed a great 4 hour conversation with the rapper sitting next to me.
Krukid is a real African-American. Really--he moved to the States from Uganda! He was in Minneapolis for business.
The conversation was fun and the flight flew by (pun intended). We exchanged information before leaving the airport. I am proud to call Krukid my newest friend. Not only does he have a lot of talent, he is also extremely intelligent, well-spoken, and polite...and one of the better people I've met in Vegas. :)
The new album, 2 Africans and a Jew, is available for MP3 download. Click below:
