Surprised by the obvious?

Here is a song I have been enjoying a lot lately that plays on the radio often. I thought I knew what it was about until I saw the video. Just like with life; sometimes we make assumptions when the truth (in hindsight) was clearly there if we had only paid enough attention and read between the lines...




People may be scared of themselves, what they might lose, their image, or just in denial, but few are actually honest with others about who they are at their core. The example above just happens to be a really big one. The book, The Four Agreements, reminds us that other people do not think like us. This concept is difficult for me to assimilate.  *sigh*   Sure I know people think differently, but I naturally assume that their motives are pure and that they are as honest and forthright as I am. That is silly because in reality I am assuming they are the exception.

My Ideal Partner 2015

As part of re-entering the dating world, I've revised my lists.

 
Who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart.

Caution: Requires complete honesty, easily falls off diet, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

My ideal man will love himself, love me, and any children we bring into our relationship. He eats the same (or will learn how), communicates his needs/happiness, and explains any dissatisfaction so we are on the same page and can make adjustments as needed. Healthy marriages have a passionate sex life; this is important to me, too. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent.

He needs to understand that the spark eventually fades--yet, with that knowledge, will commit to a lifetime of loving each other. Love is a verb. When it's a verb, you don't "fall out of love." If you don't love anymore, it’s because you chose to break your promise and stop loving.

Since I believe we can manifest what we want in life, this describes him:

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Honest, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds vanity maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, compatible parenting views (actively parent according to the Positive Discipline model while remaining mindful that all of our actions teach a growing child how to behave).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama.

I want WORTH IT!

Not long ago, I started talking with a gentleman who was closer to the My Ideal Partner list than I've met in many years. We discussed the possibility of dating, even though we live very far from each other.

I was actually excited... but my honesty scared him.


Friends say "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" and that I invested emotion too early. People often miss out on what they want most in life is because they are too skeptical to believe it can be real. But sometimes opportunities present themselves & miracles do happen.

I thought he was my unicorn, so I wasn't going to passively wait. I told him how I felt.

Maybe my parents screwed me up by teaching me to be honest with people and expecting the same in return. They certainly didn't prepare me for a world where deception is the norm. I am secretive when I first get to know someone but, once I accept someone into my circle, I am very open about who I am, how I view others, and what I want in life. It might be naive of me to require such honesty from friends and lovers--but it isn't worth keeping people in my life who are not.

 After watching this video, I suspect finding someone who will be "honest with me always" and who is "trustworthy" might be close to impossible. However, I need that in order to be happy with someone and fall in love.

I'm not crazy; I just know what I want. Test taken today:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||||| 94% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 55% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 75% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 58% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||||| 91% Conflict seeking || 8% Need to dominate |||||| 25% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 58% Wealth |||||||||||| 41% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 58% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 77% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 66% PeterPan complex || 8% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 75% Artistic 0% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 72% Physical fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Indie |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

What happened to gender differences?

Feminist women have trained men to believe that they do not have to be men anymore. Most men are oblivious, only noticing the money they save while courting and how much easier it is to get sex. But it runs much deeper than that. There is an inherent lack of respect for men by women once women have to take on a more masculine role. Why should I respect him as a man when I can be my own provider? Why should I respect his penis when I can easily get another?

What is the male role? The ability and desire to provide for and protect his family at all costs. A man's goal is to work and make as much money as he can to provide. While he's single, this is to prepare for his eventual wife and children. No real man would ever allow a woman to pay for dates, as doing so demasculates him to the core. The money saved doesn't justify the lost respect. Fathers who allow their children to go hungry, without clothes, or without intellectual stimulation aren't men either. Whether with his child's mother or not, a man will do whatever it takes to have enough money to make sure his family is ok. "Wanna-be men" believe that paying court-ordered child support (which they are often bitter about) is good enough. And lastly, men are supposed to be able to fix and repair things. Even if you have plenty of money to hire someone, the ability to do basic house and car repairs is expected of all men.

What is the female role? To be a caretaker and raise healthy children. Most women have jobs, yet at the same time this can defeminize them. A woman takes care of her family--and not by paying someone else to do it while she goes to work. A woman puts her children first (because they cannot protect themselves) and her partner second. Woman are excellent comforters and are there to lend a hug or supporting comment when her child or man needs it. Women are expected to "step back" when it's helpful towards encouraging her family to to grow and succeed. In addition, frugal shopping and cooking are essential skills all women should have.

Surely it is clear that I do not believe in equal rights. I never have. Men are providers and protectors; women are caretakers. This is natural and works the best because men and women are biologically different. In today's society, many females try to prove they are equal to or better than men. Sadly, laziness has caused just as many males to expect women to pick up the man's slack. Divorce rates in the U.S. are over 50%, and I am convinced this is why. Having a vagina doesn't make you a real woman just like having a penis doesn't make you a real man.

Once upon a time, men knew that they had to "step up" to the husband and father role when they got a woman pregnant. Now, instead of being selective when choosing sex partners, boys are taught (often by their parents!) that they have the option of running away from their male responsibility. Parents claim they want their children to be successful in everything; however, for the past 50 years these same parents have neglected insuring that their children can live up to the most basic of gender roles. These roles exist for a reason and create a harmonious society. When gender roles are not respected, everyone suffers. Do you have children? If so, are you teaching your son how to be a man? Your daughter how to be a woman?

Need help? While written in a religious context, these two books are the best I've seen for teaching a woman how to be proper wife: For Woman Only and More Hours In My Day. If you love your daughter, you will teach her these skills. You can also teach her how to be self-sufficient, but she needs to know how to be a proper woman first and foremost. When parents fail to teach their boys what it takes to be a man, women and children get neglected. Since I am a woman, I do not have any book suggestions for men--but I will start looking, and will add a comment below when I have some. If you do not live up to your gender role, you need to evaluate why and fix yourself.


**** Just a side note, after working in strip clubs I can tell you that most strippers have children. The same holds true for prostitutes. A large percentage are forced into adult work to support their child(ren) because the males who got them pregnant weren't really men. These women are often looked down upon, when in reality they do whatever it takes to take care of, provide for, and protect their children after a man has chosen not to be there.

On the Down Low?

This blog post was inspired by the following redacted email which I received earlier today:

I had a friend in college...he dated women, got married, etc. When his wife announced that she is pregnant, he came out. It's pretty selfish to pull someone (and then a kid) into a life that cannot possibly end happily.

After living in Atlanta, I must say I am shocked by how many DL men there are. For those who are unaware, DL (down low) refers to discreet male-male hookup sex by men who publically identify as straight and often have wives or girlfriends.

 

A smart man once told me that "Nobody ever does anything that they cannot rationalize." That is true. Most of the DL men rationalize it by saying their woman doesn't give them enough sex, oral sex, some other fetish sex, or even that they are bisexual and need to have sex with both genders to feel satisfied. They justify their disloyalty by rationalizing why it should be okay. The men they hook up with are on the same page, which further reinforces their warped view of right versus wrong.

My sex drive is on the high end of healthy, I enjoy kinky sex, and I am bisexual--yet I can honestly say that I have never cheated. It is tough to get me to commit because I expect monogamy in my committed relationships. This is why I have only committed to 3 men in my life, the others never got to that point. In relationships where monogamy is negotiable, the couple still needs to discuss and agree upon acceptable alternatives BEFORE anything ever happens--otherwise it is cheating. Honesty and communication are essential for committed relationships to be healthy. If either are missing, at least one partner is being held hostage in a relationship he/she might not consent to otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was raised in California, but I cannot understand why a man would be so deceitful. If you like having sex with men, be open about it. Some women are really turned on by that! If you are gay and want children, there are plenty of women who would love to have a child but don't want a romantic relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, whether with a man or with a woman, having sex or getting sucked off by ANYONE else without your partner's knowledge and permission in advance is cheating. If the temptation is too great, leave your partner first. That shows respect. Cheating and exposing your partner to risk and humiliation is the ultimate in disrespect.

Not only is it scarring for a woman to find out her partner is going outside their relationship for sex with men, but there is also a huge safety issue. In 2011, Atlanta was 8th in the country for new HIV infections; now it is 4th. While most people won't choose to have sex with someone they know will give them a disease, 62% of aware HIV+ men have admitted to having unprotected sex within the past year. Not everyone honestly discloses their status, and many never get tested. Even scarier, much of the "down low" sex is with strangers.

For all the DL men, the female in your life deserves someone who will love her with loyalty and find her sexually attractive, not to be used as a "cover" to hide your sexual orientation or other secrets. If you are homosexual and afraid to be honest because of how people will view you,  move somewhere more open-minded (California?) where you can be your true self and start over.

If you stumbled upon this blog post after catching your man on the DL, contact the Straight Spouse Network to get support.

Living life

When I was a kid, I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books. I would read them, and then go back and see what other options I could've chosen. This taught me to carefully think through my choices because my life might depend upon them. While in real life our choices are rarely so dramatic, they are equally as important.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.
--Goethe

Here is a simple way to get in touch with your priorities. Imagine that you have an incurable illness and are given six months to live. As the doctors inform you of their findings, see yourself accepting your imminent mortality with the resolve, "I am going to spend the last months of my life living to the fullest, doing those things that are truly important to me." Then imagine yourself living out those six months in the manner in which you have decided.

Afterwards, note your experience. During your remaining days, what did you do, who did you see, and where did you go? What do these choices say about what is really important to you - your values and priorities? Are you living them today? If you are not, you may want to learn from Tony's story.

After being diagnosed with AIDS, Tony decided to embrace life. He bought a house, planted a garden, and nurtured his important relationships. As a result, he lived the remaining three years of his life in pure joy.

The tragedy is that his life ended just as he was beginning to live. Why wait for a life threatening experience to motivate you to take action? Confront your fears and pursue what brings you happiness and joy.

There is no better time than now.

Friends have always been amazed at how quickly I accomplish my goals after choosing them. This isn't by mere chance. Since it doesn't make sense for me to only dream of a life I want without living it, I immediately create an implementation plan.

Why are so many afraid to live their dreams? "It's just not the right time," "I'll do it later," and "I want to, but ____." are all excuses from people who enjoy the complaining process more than they want to succeed. That boggles my mind.

Anything below full commitment isn't really choosing. You are in complain mode.  
Life is easy: decide what you want, map out what it takes to succeed, have confidence that you can do it, commit, start, and follow through. If you're reading this and thinking "But in my case, ____,"--no matter what that "but" is--you're still making excuses. Your success and happiness is completely in your hands. Claim it!

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

After much reflection, I understand the common theme behind why my relationships haven't succeeded. Despite having worked as a stripper, I'm primarily a Good Girl. This is a significant contradiction which most people cannot fathom.

Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.

The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.

How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.

My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh*  It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.

Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?

The Game of Life

What determines whether or not someone is successful? Is it money? A great job? Possessions? A trophy spouse? Kids?
There are winners and losers in the game of life. Losers, while often successful, spend their lives pretending to be who others expect them to be. Winners celebrate their individuality and live their dreams.

People say that life doesn't come with a road map. Yes it does! The signs are as clear as can be when you look for them. That's the problem, often people don't want to look. I mean REALLY LOOK. It's easier to believe what we want to believe or what we were taught...but that doesn't make it the truth. Who are you at your core? What do you really want in life? What steps will get you there? Deep inside you know; pretending otherwise is what messes people up inside. Stand up and live! Claim yourself every step of the way. Be the person who makes you most proud.

Quality, not quantity

We attract those into our life who are like us or need to fill a need in our lives. I no longer believe most people are evil and therefore don't need friends who are sneaky or dishonest in order to covertly learn about this "other side". Doing so has backfired on me in the past and attracted negative elements into my life; I won't continue negative patterns.

From now on I only keep friends who are in line with my integrity. If someone is not, I will create space between us until we are nothing more than acquaintances. I apologize to anyone who is/becomes phased out of my life; it isn't personal against you. Instead this is required for me to remain true to myself and lovingly share my truth with others.

Core Values

Core Values:

-What are the core values I want to honor, regardless of what the work is?

-What are the benefits or assumptions that are attached to those values?

-What do I value most about myself? What is the very core of my life that I want nurtured and supported?

-What would my relationships look like if they were aligned with that core?

-How would I structure my life to reflect those values and beliefs?