Years ago I seriously dated a man who said he couldn't figure out if I was a Good Girl or a Bad Girl. That's because I am both. I do have a bad girl side which I am completely honest about, but it's minor and only a fraction of who I am. It seems that most men do not believe these can co-exist and want to put you in one category or the other.
The majority of the men I've dated I met through work. These men liked the excitement of dating a Vegas stripper and wanted to harness a Bad Girl, never viewing me as the Good Girl I actually am. They wanted to party; I wanted to settle down.
How to explain to someone who likes viewing me as a Bad Girl that I am 90% Good Girl? What I say or do doesn't seem to influence who they believe I am. Even though I tell my partner all about me, they listen to what they want to hear, make the judgements they want to make, and form the opinion they want to have. This would cause me to "act out" and be bad--but not in the way they had hoped.
My longest relationship had the opposite problem. He knew that I was mostly Good Girl and was attracted to me because of that. At the same time, he enjoyed that I had a Bad Girl side and encouraged it beyond who I instinctually am. Because of his Madonna Whore complex, he loved me as his pure partner but was only turned on by those he considered bad. *sigh* It was almost like he wanted me to be the wild stripper the other men believed I was, but then chose to be with me because I wasn't. I thought we were both on the same page and believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.
Since I no longer strip, at least when I am finally ready to date again it won't be with men who met me that way. Even so, I am worried that--because I am so open about who I am--I will keep attracting men who believe my Bad Girl/Good Girl ratios are different than they are or who will want to change them. The easy solution would be to stop being so open, but I want my partner to choose to be with me because he knows who I truly am.
Why are honesty, disclosure, and acceptance such rare relational traits?
1 comment:
Good question Trix, but it seems the answer (just like seemingly all relationships) can be complicated. Honesty, disclosure and acceptance are all in the eye of the beholder. One person believes they are being honest when in fact they're telling half truths. I... I honestly don't know how people do relationships and get married and have kids. There are so many variables surrounding just the relationship part that it can drive a normal mind crazy.
Relationships, in my little experience, seem to be all about "the game". I show mine and you show yours, and then we see if it can mesh. But there's so much involved in that game so that, if you are truly 100% honest, disclosing and accepting, it can actually hurt the relationship in the long run. Just the thought of it can... ugh. I give much respect to anyone who can be in a relationship for over a year and not end up in jail.
I think you're right about not meeting someone as the Vegas showgirl, as it gives off a certain impression that one may never be able to live up to or play down. I used to think that it was just women that are complicated but, after reading this post, maybe men are just as complicated...
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