Eyes Wide Open

So this is the end of the story
Everything we had, everything we did
Is buried in dust
And this dust is all that's left of us
 But only a few ever worried
Though the signs were clear, they had no idea
You just get used to living in fear
Or give up
When you can't even picture your future
 We walk the plank with our eyes wide open...
 Some people offered up answers
We made out like we heard, but they were only words
They didn't add up
To a change in the way we were living
 And the saddest thing-
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming is to stop being human
And why would I make a change if you won't
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat
For the moment
 And we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we..
Walk the plank with our eyes wide open
 With our eyes wide open we...
Walk the plank, we walk the plank
 And that was the end of the story

Open letter to my ex's wife

When he and I started dating, I honestly believed that the two of you were separated. I apologize if that was not true.

The day you told me he died, I was so nervous talking to my boyfriend's wife that I said a few things which were inaccurate in an attempt to lessen your pain and make you think we were just a fling. In hindsight, I realize that doing so might have even caused more heartache for you. I am sorry.

Your husband was an excellent man. I loved him so much that I completely fell apart after his death. He was one of the highlights of my life, I feel lucky to have shared time with him, and I always remember him with happy memories. While you don't read my blog, maybe the energy of what I am writing will be released into the universe and give you some level of peace.

My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.

Cracker Jacks

2005 and 2006 were very tough years for me. Among other catastrophes, a few of my loved ones died unexpectedly. While I won't ever "get over" their deaths, eventually I stopped self-medicating and learned healthy coping and acceptance.

As part of my sobriety, I receive a daily "gift" email. Here's today's:

"Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box."
-- Alpha English
It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment. It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years. Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief. I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.

Being the anniversary of my sister's death, today's message hit home. Some surprises are good, some bad, some wonderful, others horrific. Often you can't change what happened. Living a good life, being kind to people, having a quality support system, and remaining positive, are the secrets to enjoying the prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks box.

The Men I've Loved

This year I am in a relationship...so, rather than writing an annual revamp of the "My Ideal Partner" list, I am sharing the diversity of men who previously captured my heart.




The Pool Boy - We had chemistry from the very first time we saw each other. I called you "Michelangelo's David" because you are physically perfect--just like the statue. Seriously, you are one of the most attractive men I've ever seen (and I've met Pierce Brosnan)! You called me "Ruby Tuesday." My wild side scared you and your irresponsibility scared me. We no longer talk.

The Millionaire - Our romance was straight out of a stripper fairytale. Flights, limos, day spas, 5-star hotels, lots of sex, intense partying. Sadly you died young; I've never gotten over that.

The Best Friend - Dating my best friend was ideal. Nobody else ever made me so happy. You loved me, cared for me, helped me grow, and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I did the same for you. You knew me better than anyone. We were healthy. A series of unfortunate events lead to our break-up.

The Stalker - You started by being my friend. When things weren't progressing fast enough, you tricked me into believing I was being harassed by an ex-boyfriend. I am ashamed to admit that I fell for it and ran straight to your arms for safety and comfort. Funny thing is, had you not done that, I would've been dating you within a few months anyway because I truly liked you. You were brilliant, funny, and awesome in bed. Once I discovered that it was actually you (and not the ex) who was terrorizing me, we were through.

The Biker - Ahhh, the man responsible for setting my libido for life! Most people find you too scary and wild, but that's not who you were with me. I ground you. You are still the same man--but I grew out of the "bad boy" phase. We've remained friends.

The Vampire - This is a weird one: I had a dream about you when I was twelve! Since I believe everything happens for a reason, when I saw you in real life I pursued you. It was important for me to understand why you were in my dream so many years earlier. You got lucky. If it wasn't for that dream, you would've been a couple night stand at best.

The Porno King - You've always treated me like a princess, even to this day. I have so much respect for you. In a different time we could've been an unstoppable couple. However, we had the time we had. It's amazing how similar we were. Thank you for our continued friendship and sharing yourself with me.


Like a typical Sagittarius, my life has been a collection of experiences. Love and lovers are no exception...and I've learned from them all.

Self-medicating Millionaires

How much of what we see on the media is real Charlie Sheen and how much is the spin created to make him look crazy? They edit out the normal.



I've never met Charlie but I recognize the path. Even his rants sound familiar.


Charlie Sheen reminds me of a very sweet ex-boyfriend--one of the few men whom I believe truly loved me. Like Charlie, my ex was an extremely successful "winner" who had more than enough money to buy anything he could ever want. Well, *almost* anything. Money can't buy lasting happiness from within.



Sadly, he self-medicated to such an extreme that, in 2005, he died at the young age of 47. A drug test wasn't done but I'm sure he would've had large amounts of cocaine, at least a .2 BAC, Xanax, Cialis, and marijuana in his system (at a minimum). All of his fame and fortune couldn't save him.

If Charlie doesn't start making better choices, I worry that he will end up with the same fate within a year. In my opinion, he hasn't totally lost his mind like Mel Gibson did...but his partying has caused a downward spiral that will be tough to reverse. I hope he is able to heal himself and live to become an even greater man.


There is another possibility that nobody is mentioning -- this could be an intentional marketing ploy.

What would be worth giving up $2 million an episode for? By Charlie Sheen going from being famous to infamous, now EVERYONE talks about him every day; he is on all the tv channels and gossip magazines, has millions of twitter followers, and thousands of people are blogging about him. Brilliant!! If this was a well thought-out deliberate plan to counter the negative Kacey Jordan press then he is even more of a genius than anyone has given him credit for.

Hunter S. Thompson's birthday

Hunter Stockton Thompson
July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005

"Young people of America, awake from your slumber of indolence and harken to the call of the future! Do you realize that you are rapidly becoming a doomed generation? Do you realize that the fate of the world and of generations to come rests on your shoulders? ...Oh ignorant youth, the world is not a joyous place. The time has come for you to dispense with the frivolous pleasures of childhood and get down to honest toil until you are sixty-five. Then and only then can you relax and collect your social security and live happily until the time of your death."

Signed Fearfully and Disgustingly Yours,
John J. Righteous Hypocrite

Wedding

Today my big brother gets married! I am on the west coast for his ceremony. The last time our entire family got together was 4 1/2 years ago for my sister's funeral. Not happy circumstances. This time we will all be in good spirits and will have an awesome day!

Ironically, today is also the 4 year anniversary of my "Speed Racer" passing away. He was a very good man. I am very thankful my brother chose today to get married (completely by coincidence). Now this emotionally difficult date will have new positive memories and meaning for me.

Time to start getting ready. Must show up early to pose for family photos. :-D

Life Lost

It is the 3 year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend killing himself. He was a really good man. Today also symbolizes why I will never have a child.

*sad*

Never Fade Away

Today is the two year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend's death. Considering I'm in a relationship now, it shocks me that I'm doing so poorly.


*cry*









These lyrics are fitting:

A Covenant of Thorns - Never Fade Away


A crack in the ice
My life's turned upside-down
I sense your warmth in my soul
Love's gentle hand leads me on my way
For the first time in years I don't feel alone

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long to hear you laugh
I never dreamt it would be so hard
Things that you've said
They echo through my head
Like a soothing reminder of who you were
And you have always been the kindest person I've ever known
You stood up for me when no one would

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long for your words of wisdom
I never dreamt it would hurt so much
All this time has made it easier
I hope you know I will always love you
And all this time has made me miss you more
I hope you know you will never fade away

So much I didn't say
I hope you can hear me now
So much I couldn't say until now

The things that I miss
I long for my childhood
I never dreamt it would be so cold
All this time has made it easier
I hope you know I will always love you
And all this time has made me miss you more
I hope you know you will never fade away

You will never fade away