"Alice"

Recently I have been looking at websites that I shouldn't. Not only did I fall off the wagon in this regard, it ran over me and took a picture. (No, you CAN'T see the picture! :-p)

So, I'll admit, tonight I was looking at escort ads... I've been celibate for so long now, I figured it couldn't hurt to check out some hot girls. With my history of hiring ladies, this is a slippery slope... But a smart man once told me that "We never do anything that we can't rationalize." I was being bad and knew it.

It just happened that I was lingering over a specific ad when I noticed someone posted a response comment:

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

Wow, what a slap in the face reminder! In case you don't recognize it, it is from Sexaholics Anonymous. I have been to a few dozen meetings--SA, AA, NA, OA. Next month marks one year completely sober from alcohol and drugs. Since I removed the triggers from my life, it's been easy. I've been telling myself that by remaining sober for a whole year would be proof that I can keep myself in check. My long term goal was never to quit forever, but to regain control of my life. After I achieve this goal I will likely indulge in an Ireland/Amsterdam vacation to celebrate. >;-)    

Unlike drugs and alcohol, giving up sex hasn't been as simple. Sex is a normal part of life; intimacy is too. I have refrained from both of these since last year. Considering I've been working in an adult environment, this is much harder than you can possibly imagine. And by my web use lately, it is apparent that full abstinence may not be the best solution for my sex addiction. But if not that, what?