My Ideal Partner 2020

At the beginning of this year, the pastor at my church said to look at 2020 with mindful observant eyes and have 20-20 vision in all aspects of our lives. I took that to heart and have been working on myself and my life since then.  I reevaluated what is important and am keeping that which adds to my life and am discarding everything that does not, I am studying new occupational skills, I tend to my garden, and I have eliminated friends whose actions and/or lack thereof have shown they are not really friends. I have healed my body and mind. Maybe now with my new set of eyes, 2020 will be the year that I find my partner.

In 2015, I came up with an excellent pro/con list. It still applies:

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

The two most intense relationships of my life started off perfect. Whirlwind romances! Yet, with time, many items from the dealbreaker list surfaced. It is as if they pretended as long as they could and then their mask dropped. I can not allow any of these dealbreakers to occur. No excuses, no exceptions. Each one must be a concrete relationship ender. I am worthy.

Accepting reality

Only my closest friends know this about me. For years, I self-medicated to cope with my shame and eventually healed my wounds through extensive therapy. Maybe telling what happened to me will empower a female reader change her life. We are all worthy of love and happiness. Real love and happiness is not entangled with shame, pain, nor being controlled.

My story is not uncommon. For many years, I had a "boyfriend pimp" although I did not realize at the time that was what he was. I guess this is why there are a few levels of pimping laws: both with and without physical force. Manipulation is the most common form of pimping, and many more women are pimped by being emotionally and psychologically manipulated than are through being physically threatened or forced. Women are usually blamed for their actions and rarely are the men behind them prosecuted. Many of these women truly believe that it is their fault that this happened to them and never pursue any kind of legal shelter, even if offered. When people think of pimps, they usually imagine only streetwalkers instead of strippers or high-end call girls. Anyone who is being forced or manipulated into adult industry work is being pimped by someone--and that someone is often the boyfriend..

I stripped part-time before meeting that man. However, I was independent, all of my money went to me, and I would not do anything I was uncomfortable with. I had self-respect. After we started dating, he changed my "stage name", told me what to say at work, how to act, what to do, and even moved me to a different state to maximize my earning potential. I believed that these were acts of love.

I made a lot of money (at times up to $50,000/month) yet rarely had money. When that ex and I broke up, I had nothing. He took almost everything while we were together, kept me stoned so I wouldn't notice or question it (I was sober before we got together), and stole my cash when he left. He messed with my mental health, invaded my privacy, and encouraged me to do things to keep me off balance and hurt my self-esteem worse. He taught me that my appearance and sexuality was my value.

Clearly I am leaving much out of this story. However, after much therapy and admitting to what I experienced, I have healed a deep hurt that I have carried for a very long time. All of my negative coping techniques were all related to the inner shame I felt from keeping this secret for so long. Yes, I participated in what happened. Not because I wanted to, but because I was manipulated into it...and that is what hurt the most. The first several times I said out loud what had happened, I could barely speak because I was crying so much.

That man continued to victimize me, even years later. However, now I am a strong woman, sober, and mentally stable. I no longer self-harm because there is no need; that shameful secret is no longer inside. I do not deserve punishment. After the last abuse, I took legal action to protect myself and I will never allow him nor any other man to bully or force me to do anything that I don't want to do ever again. By admitting and accepting the reality of what I lived through, I have been able to forgive myself, forgive my abuser, and move on with a healthy self-respect.

Feminism and the breakdown of society

   There is a feminist in Australia who actually says that it should be illegal for women to choose to be stay-at-home-mothers because it is bad for the economy and women's equal rights: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/03/24/should-it-be-illegal-to-be-stay-at-home-mom-why-feminists-are-so-frustrated.html

   I am not a feminist.. I do believe that men are providers and protectors and women are caregivers. There is no job more important for a mother than making sure her children grow up mentally stable and healthy. Her second job is caring for herself and the others she loves in her life. Work can be third, but only if she has adequate extra time after caring of her family and herself.

...And this is why men are providers and protectors: it allows women to do their job without worry. When men stop providing, it breaks the entire system forcing women to work instead of caring for their children and others. Kids get raised by daycare instead of loving mothers. Just like baby formula is not the same as breastmilk, even the best daycare is not the same as growing up within the safety of familial love


   Men and women are not the same. Both are capable, but each have different skills. There are exceptions to everything, but in general men are much better in the provider role and women are much better as the primary caregiver. When men stop taking pride in being the provider and protector, there are many more single mothers and fatherless homes.

   Feminism is feminizing men, making them no longer respect their provider role, while teaching women that having a "purpose" through employment is is more important than their own children's upbringing. No wonder society keeps breaking down. No wonder so many kids spend their free time watching TV and playing violent video games. Many parents no longer parent because often they are more concerned with the money they make than the attention their child receives. Shameful, and the outcome is easily predictable when one cares to think about it.....

 

Love, lies, respect

What is love? For most of my life I believed that it was feelings for another person. I had many relationships like this. It was mutually beneficial, caring, deep, and real; best friends. But the chemical version of love is much different. You don't need to know the other person at all. My last relationship was the chemical version. In all reality, I know much more about my ex from other people than he ever told me himself. Yet I loved him. How could I love someone I did not really know? Because chemical love isn't for another person but the feelings and emotions that person stirs within yourself. He awoke passion within me, and for that I would have accepted him for whomever he is. The only thing I cannot accept is lies. Does it seem silly to give up so much over so little?

 When someone lies it is because they do not respect you enough to be honest and they think you are too stupid to know the difference. It is the ultimate disrespect. For this reason, it is one of the few behaviors that I will not tolerate. I need an honest reality and to feel respected.

   I have never been one of those women who jumps from relationship to relationship. I am happy being with myself and have never felt the need to have a man to complete me. That doesn't change the fact that I have been lonely. Yet, I choose to stay single until I find someone who is worthy of my energy. 

Happy Valentines Day

On this commercialized day which celebrates lovers, all I can think is "Boy, I sure am happy being single..." ;)

When I was "owned", instead of building me up my partner broke me down. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Despite how negative that sounds, it was a good experience overall because it reminded me how important it is to be myself and not change for others. Having a partner does not mean giving up yourself. Compromise should be the exception; acceptance the norm.


   And what I said above about being happy single is not true. In all honesty, I long to be in a loving relationship. However, I would rather remain single than compromise myself or what I need from a partner.


(Image from http://www.pool.org.au/image/lachlan_phillips/valentines_day)

Why would anyone vote for Donald Trump to be the President of the United States?

Why did over half of voters in the United States vote for Trump? There are many possible reasons:

• Bernie Sanders supporters upset that Hillary Clinton stole the Democratic nomination
• agree with Donald Trump's bigoted opinions
• believes that the US needs a physical border for safety
• rich and want to save on taxes
• lost faith in US career politicians
• belief that Trump will be the most honest option
• agreeing with Trumps views like "dishonest biased media" or questioning vaccines
• dislikes Hillary Clinton's past, viewpoints, or platform
• fear of a female president
• always votes Republican
• (there are countless other reasons too...)

I heard many people say that they didn't know anyone who was voting for Trump. Yet, with the numbers that obviously is not true. Were Trump voters silent? Many were. I know I was. The few times I expressed my love of Bernie and my disdain of Hillary, I was verbally assaulted. Trump wasn't my top choice and I am turned off by his unfiltered bigoted mouth; however, Hillary's aggressive DNC campaign stole the presidency from the man who rightfully should have won. I held on to my thoughts quietly and then voted. Thankfully friends and family rarely read my blog.


And why did I vote for Donald Trump in the Presidential election?

• My belief that Hillary is extremely corrupt and diabolical
• I was furious at the DNC for rigging the primary
• Not trusting "more of the same" 
• Bernie Sanders was not on the ballot

Are you seriously in shock that Trump was elected president? 

This was predicted BEFORE the primaries!!

Was there an alternative? Absolutely. And, as the pre-primary polls showed, only Bernie Sanders could beat Trump. I would have voted for Bernie Sanders. And I did in the primary. But Hillary supporters were more pro-Hillary than anti-Trump. Had they truly cared about a Democrat winning the 2016 ticket they would have voted Bernie Sanders. In the Bernie Sanders vs Donald Trump scenario, Sanders would have won. Everyone knew in advance. It is amazing how ego gets in the way. Every primary vote for Hillary instead of Bernie was actually a vote for Trump. The Bernie supporters didn't just throw away their desire for change. They wanted change more than a Democrat Head or a woman. Clinton did not symbolize change. Trump became the only alternative for these voters.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

America is fucked

There needs to be drastic changes.

 

Auto Immune Disease - John Bergman

Next week marks 7 years since I quit drinking

    It has been easy to stay quit.  I have not been attending AA. I do read self-help books. I was never an alcoholic. I decided one day to quit and I did. To give AA credit where credit is due, I did a 4-day crash course on the 12-steps. It was horribly intensive and taught me that I had a lot of deep negative emotions, that I wasn't perfect, and how to forgive. I also removed myself from the negative people and toxic situations. About 6 months after I quit, then the reality of everything I ignored when I drank was in my face. Wow. That was stressful. I realized that I did not like the person I had become. The second half of that first year I spent actively writing down goals and working on change to optimize my health and happiness.

Buy from Amazon

I have never read a self-help book for alcoholic...until now. Honestly I thought I didn't need it. However, recently I found a book that I would like to recommend for everyone who grew up in an alcoholic home. I did, and I had no idea that my childhood environment was responsible for so many of my adult problems. The book happens to be an out-of-print parenting book. Because of its parenting approach, I am able to get two perspectives out of it: myself as a child growing up in that environment and as the messed up adult. Buy it if you are ready to heal: The ACOA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children: A Parenting Handbook for the Adult Children of Alcoholics.


I know I haven't posted photos in a very long time...

So this was me back when I drank:

And this is now:

Happy birthday to all my Leo friends.

Eyes Wide Open

So this is the end of the story
Everything we had, everything we did
Is buried in dust
And this dust is all that's left of us
 But only a few ever worried
Though the signs were clear, they had no idea
You just get used to living in fear
Or give up
When you can't even picture your future
 We walk the plank with our eyes wide open...
 Some people offered up answers
We made out like we heard, but they were only words
They didn't add up
To a change in the way we were living
 And the saddest thing-
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming is to stop being human
And why would I make a change if you won't
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat
For the moment
 And we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we..
Walk the plank with our eyes wide open
 With our eyes wide open we...
Walk the plank, we walk the plank
 And that was the end of the story

Sugar-free for a full year

Yes, I did it! I beat my sugar addiction. Today marks a full year since I quit sugar, and I feel fabulous!

"The Sin of Righteousness" - Halycon from Hug Nation

The Ketogenic Diet and Cancer

Published on Jun 17, 2016

Dr. Mike explains how a ketogenic diet can prevent and even cure cancer by depriving cancer cells of glucose, which is their only energy source.

For more True Health content,

Subscribe to Dr. Mike's channel for more awesome videos at https://www.youtube.com/drmichaelvandc

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References:

1. Lee C, Raffaghello L, Brandhorst S, et al. Fasting Cycles Retard Growth of Tumors and Sensitize a Range of Cancer Cell Types to Chemotherapy. Science Translational Medicine. 2012;4(124):124.

2. Brandhorst S et al. A periodic diet that mimics fasting promotes multi-system regeneration, enhanced cognitive performance, and healthspan. Cell Metabolism. 2015;22(1):86-99.

3. Rocha NS, Barbisan LF, de Oliveira ML, de Camargo JL. Effects of fasting and intermittent fasting on rat hepatocarcinogenesis induced by diethylnitrosamine. Teratog Carcinog Mutagen. 2002;22(2):129-38.

4. Descamps O, Riondel J, Ducros V, Roussel AM. Mitochondrial production of reactive oxygen species and incidence of age-associated lymphoma in OF1 mice: effect of alternate-day fasting. Mech Ageing Dev. 2005 Nov;126(11):1185-91.

5. New York Times May 12, 2016

6.http://articles.mercola.com/sites/art...

7. Koppenol WH, Bounds PL, Dang CV. Otto Warburg's contributions to current concepts of cancer metabolism. Nat Rev Cancer. 2011 May;11(5):325-37.

Theme Song change

I have decided to reinstate my 2010 theme song: Ziggy Marley "True to Myself." It was appropriate then and is now.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Today is one of my sad days.

Back to stripper weight

Remember the weight that I gained after I quit smoking weed many years ago? Those 10 pounds that I gained and was never able to lose since? Well, I finally lost it. No, I did not start smoking again. I am not taking diet pills and I'm exercising the same as I have been. What I have changed is how I eat. I am pretty sure that quitting sugar finally enabled my body to let go of those few pounds. And, it was effortless!

For the past many years, I have weighed 145. My goal weight is to be between 130 and 135. More than 135 and I might muffintop. Today I weigh 133. The reason my heading says "back to stripper weight" instead of "back to model weight" is because I would often lose an additional 5 pounds to model. Most of my photoshoots were at 130. Less than 130 and I believe I look too skinny. I have always been upfront about my weight because so many women lie about theirs and men have unrealistic expectations for what a woman should weigh.

When I hung out with the porn crowd, I used to always joke that if I anonymously called one of them up to inquire about modeling and told them that I was 5'5" 135 pounds they would tell me I was too fat. They all agreed. Yet, this is what I weighed and I was constantly asked to do porn. While I have no judgments against the ladies who do porn, it isn't for me. I love sex, yet I love sex in private. This is why I did bikini & pin-up modeling and did not become a porn star.

I am super happy to have lost this weight. Not that I looked bad, because I didn't. My body stays hourglass no matter what, so it was just an additional 2 inches everywhere. However, after being a stripper it is difficult to accept having a waist larger than 26". Thanks to my healthy lifestyle choices, I am back to being below that.

Valentine's Day and My Ideal Partner 2016

 

   I saw the above image elsewhere on the internet,. It was surprising to me how most women chose (including saying it would take $15 to make their man). My priorities are different. If limited to $5 to choose, I would pick smart ($1), great in bed ($2), and honest ($2). Yes honesty is not listed but it is essential so I allocated funds.

---

   A recent experience renewed my interest in dating. So, I tweaked my lists using the Musts, Would-Be-Nices, and Dealbreakers format. I like organizing it this way because it makes it easy to evaluate someone new and see where that person fits. 

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds my beauty maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

 It seems that many people misinterpret my lists. The Would-Be-Nice group includes enhancements I would enjoy, yet are not necessary to be my match. However, if a single item from the Non-negotiable Musts is missing, the man is not for me. And, if any of the Dealbreakers are present, the man is not for me. The MUSTS and DEALBREAKERS categories define concrete boundaries. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent. If my pickiness cause me to stay single forever, I would rather that then ending up with the wrong man.

And this is who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, grateful, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, likes books, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart, lacks tolerance for dishonesty, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

For those wanting to see how I (and my desires) have morphed through the years, click the My ideal partner link here or immediately under this post.



Oh, and before I forget -- Happy Valentine's Day!

Lent 2016

Lent officially started yesterday and ends on March 24. Every year with Lent I make positive changes in my life. These temporary changes are designed to be a springboard to help me long-term. While I do not expect that my my negative traits will be permanently banished, I do hope that each year will result in a cumulative improvement. 

 

This year I will stop:

1. Cursing. This has been on my list every year for many years. I used to be someone who cursed a lot. Such words rarely come out of my mouth anymore. Now I want to stop all the mental cursing and silent whispers.
2. Eating rice. Rice is the only item left preventing me from being Paleo. It is a staple food where I live, although I usually only eat it once per week. That now stops.
3. Negative thinking. Whenever I catch myself thinking something negative, I will immediately do 30 seconds of exercise. This could be embarrassing if I am out, yet it is is the best way to stop this bad habit.

These positive additions are intended to become a permanent part of my daily routine with Lent creating the foundation:

1. Non-internet reading for at least 30 minutes per day. Yes, this is books. While I read at a snail pace, I love reading. I own a massive library and have many books that I have not had time to read previously.
2. Self-improvement study for at least 60 minutes per day. This is separate from reading books. I have many workbooks and online courses available.
3. Recite my mantra. My mantra is supposed to be recited 108 times in a row. This is an excellent meditation practice that I have fallen out of and will now get back into.

The importance of a Theme Song

I have mentioned having a Theme Song, just like Ally McBeal. For those of you who have never thought about this before, it probably seems like a silly concept. It was practically ridiculed on the show. Yet, there is so much power in it.


A few months back, I put a different CD in my car (my current car only has 1 CD slot instead of 6). This means that I was no longer hearing my Theme Song every day. Instead, I was listening to Keane. Most of the songs on this particular album are sad and remind me of 2005/2006. Unpleasant memories.  While I love Keane and their music is truly beautiful, it certainly should not be considered Theme Song material. I was not intentionally replacing my Theme Song, yet I was now listening to this other CD everyday in it's place. 


Can you guess what happened? I started getting depressed. My motivation dwindled. Once I put my current theme song back on, within a day or two I was back to being my normal productive and happy self. Wow .Our music really is that powerful.


This got me to thinking... When I lived in Vegas and drank to excess, I was regularly listening to The Dresden Dolls.

The two songs, Girl Anachronism and My Alcoholic Friends, were daily aspects of my life. Every day, I listened to both of these before going to work and after returning home. For awhile, Girl Anachronism was even my ringtone! Unknowingly, I was priming myself to remain a mess.


I still like the music I used to listen to, but I rarely listen to it anymore. Living a happy life is my priority--not one filled with self-doubt, drama, and sadness. Just like we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with, music can shape our personality and mood.

If you have a daily ritual including a specific song, you already have a Theme Song. Now, think about it. What are the words? Do they align with the life you want to live and the person you want to be? What about the other music you listen to: is the general theme positive or negative? Seriously, you should analyze this.

What a Theme Song is:

• Your personal motivational song which lifts you up and propels you toward your goals

What a Theme Song is NOT:

• Your favorite song or any song which you like yet doesn't improve your mood AND motivate you

Choose wisely and watch your life blossom.

12 steps ahead

You know how sometimes you make a difficult choice and that same day something happens to confirm it was the right decision? Well, that happened to me today.

This morning, I sent a long email to a family member detailing why I am ceasing communication. That person, whom I love, is self-destructive and destructive to others. It is through my own self-love that I have chosen to detach. I care very much about family so this was hard, but I refuse to be abused by anyone--family included.

Receiving the email below 12 hours after I pressed "Send" proves that my decision was healthy and appropriate:

Today's thought from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time out and it's okay to go back as a different person.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.