About Me

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When you fail to follow your dreams, you cheat yourself out of being you.
Be proud of who you are and don't back down.
Be a winner at the game of life!

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Friday, August 5, 2016

Next week marks 7 years since I quit drinking

    It has been easy to stay quit.  I have not been attending AA. I do read self-help books. I was never an alcoholic. I decided one day to quit and I did. To give AA credit where credit is due, I did a 4-day crash course on the 12-steps. It was horribly intensive and taught me that I had a lot of deep negative emotions, that I wasn't perfect, and how to forgive. I also removed myself from the negative people and toxic situations. About 6 months after I quit, then the reality of everything I ignored when I drank was in my face. Wow. That was stressful. I realized that I did not like the person I had become. The second half of that first year I spent actively writing down goals and working on change to optimize my health and happiness.

The ACOA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children
Buy from Amazon
I have never read a self-help book for alcoholic...until now. Honestly I thought I didn't need it. However, recently I found a book that I would like to recommend for everyone who grew up in an alcoholic home. I did, and I had no idea that my childhood environment was responsible for so many of my adult problems. The book happens to be an out-of-print parenting book. Because of its parenting approach, I am able to get two perspectives out of it: myself as a child growing up in that environment and as the messed up adult. Buy it if you are ready to heal: The ACOA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children: A Parenting Handbook for the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I know I haven't posted photos in a very long time...

So this was me back when I drank:

And this is now:

Happy birthday to all my Leo friends.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Eyes Wide Open

So this is the end of the story
Everything we had, everything we did
Is buried in dust
And this dust is all that's left of us
 But only a few ever worried
Though the signs were clear, they had no idea
You just get used to living in fear
Or give up
When you can't even picture your future
 We walk the plank with our eyes wide open...
 Some people offered up answers
We made out like we heard, but they were only words
They didn't add up
To a change in the way we were living
 And the saddest thing-
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming is to stop being human
And why would I make a change if you won't
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat
For the moment
 And we walk the plank with our eyes wide open, we..
Walk the plank with our eyes wide open
 With our eyes wide open we...
Walk the plank, we walk the plank
 And that was the end of the story

Friday, July 15, 2016

Sugar-free for a full year

Yes, I did it! I beat my sugar addiction. Today marks a full year since I quit sugar, and I feel fabulous!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

The Ketogenic Diet and Cancer

Published on Jun 17, 2016
Dr. Mike explains how a ketogenic diet can prevent and even cure cancer by depriving cancer cells of glucose, which is their only energy source.

For more True Health content,
Subscribe to Dr. Mike's channel for more awesome videos at https://www.youtube.com/drmichaelvandc
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1. Lee C, Raffaghello L, Brandhorst S, et al. Fasting Cycles Retard Growth of Tumors and Sensitize a Range of Cancer Cell Types to Chemotherapy. Science Translational Medicine. 2012;4(124):124.

2. Brandhorst S et al. A periodic diet that mimics fasting promotes multi-system regeneration, enhanced cognitive performance, and healthspan. Cell Metabolism. 2015;22(1):86-99.

3. Rocha NS, Barbisan LF, de Oliveira ML, de Camargo JL. Effects of fasting and intermittent fasting on rat hepatocarcinogenesis induced by diethylnitrosamine. Teratog Carcinog Mutagen. 2002;22(2):129-38.

4. Descamps O, Riondel J, Ducros V, Roussel AM. Mitochondrial production of reactive oxygen species and incidence of age-associated lymphoma in OF1 mice: effect of alternate-day fasting. Mech Ageing Dev. 2005 Nov;126(11):1185-91.

5. New York Times May 12, 2016


7. Koppenol WH, Bounds PL, Dang CV. Otto Warburg's contributions to current concepts of cancer metabolism. Nat Rev Cancer. 2011 May;11(5):325-37.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Theme Song change

I have decided to reinstate my 2010 theme song: Ziggy Marley "True to Myself." It was appropriate then and is now.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Back to stripper weight

Remember the weight that I gained after I quit smoking weed many years ago? Those 10 pounds that I gained and was never able to lose since? Well, I finally lost it. No, I did not start smoking again. I am not taking diet pills and I'm exercising the same as I have been. What I have changed is how I eat. I am pretty sure that quitting sugar finally enabled my body to let go of those few pounds. And, it was effortless!

For the past many years, I have weighed 145. My goal weight is to be between 130 and 135. More than 135 and I might muffintop. Today I weigh 133. The reason my heading says "back to stripper weight" instead of "back to model weight" is because I would often lose an additional 5 pounds to model. Most of my photoshoots were at 130. Less than 130 and I believe I look too skinny. I have always been upfront about my weight because so many women lie about theirs and men have unrealistic expectations for what a woman should weigh.

When I hung out with the porn crowd, I used to always joke that if I anonymously called one of them up to inquire about modeling and told them that I was 5'5" 135 pounds they would tell me I was too fat. They all agreed. Yet, this is what I weighed and I was constantly asked to do porn. While I have no judgments against the ladies who do porn, it isn't for me. I love sex, yet I love sex in private. This is why I did bikini & pin-up modeling and did not become a porn star.

I am super happy to have lost this weight. Not that I looked bad, because I didn't. My body stays hourglass no matter what, so it was just an additional 2 inches everywhere. However, after being a stripper it is difficult to accept having a waist larger than 26". Thanks to my healthy lifestyle choices, I am back to being below that.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Valentine's Day and My Ideal Partner 2016


   I saw the above image elsewhere on the internet,. It was surprising to me how most women chose (including saying it would take $15 to make their man). My priorities are different. If limited to $5 to choose, I would pick smart ($1), great in bed ($2), and honest ($2). Yes honesty is not listed but it is essential so I allocated funds.

   A recent experience renewed my interest in dating. So, I tweaked my lists using the Musts, Would-Be-Nices, and Dealbreakers format. I like organizing it this way because it makes it easy to evaluate someone new and see where that person fits. 

NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, funds my beauty maintenance, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).

WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.

ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.

 It seems that many people misinterpret my lists. The Would-Be-Nice group includes enhancements I would enjoy, yet are not necessary to be my match. However, if a single item from the Non-negotiable Musts is missing, the man is not for me. And, if any of the Dealbreakers are present, the man is not for me. The MUSTS and DEALBREAKERS categories define concrete boundaries. I want my life partner, loving husband, and co-parent. If my pickiness cause me to stay single forever, I would rather that then ending up with the wrong man.

And this is who I am: Honest, intelligent, loyal, likes to help people, encourages passions, lifetime student, good in bed, outside-the-box, great mom skills, anti-GMO, high sex drive, vain, reliable, generous, loves traveling, believes everything happens for a reason, ex-pat mentality, spiritual, values privacy, smiles and laughs easily, open-minded, many old-fashioned values, enjoys being fit, grateful, non-smoker, sober, comfortable talking about anything, shares, likes books, romantic, pro-gun, conspiracy theorist, happy, tenacious, accepts people for who they are, turns dreams into reality, not afraid to say “no”, follows my heart, lacks tolerance for dishonesty, loses things, mildly bipolar (normal/manic, no depression).

For those wanting to see how I (and my desires) have morphed through the years, click the My ideal partner link here or immediately under this post.

Oh, and before I forget -- Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Lent 2016

Lent officially started yesterday and ends on March 24. Every year with Lent I make positive changes in my life. These temporary changes are designed to be a springboard to help me long-term. While I do not expect that my my negative traits will be permanently banished, I do hope that each year will result in a cumulative improvement. 

This year I will stop:
  1. Cursing. This has been on my list every year for many years. I used to be someone who cursed a lot. Such words rarely come out of my mouth anymore. Now I want to stop all the mental cursing and silent whispers.
  2. Eating rice. Rice is the only item left preventing me from being Paleo. It is a staple food where I live, although I usually only eat it once per week. That now stops.
  3. Negative thinking. Whenever I catch myself thinking something negative, I will immediately do 30 seconds of exercise. This could be embarrassing if I am out, yet it is is the best way to stop this bad habit.

These positive additions are intended to become a permanent part of my daily routine with Lent creating the foundation:
  1. Non-internet reading for at least 30 minutes per day. Yes, this is books. While I read at a snail pace, I love reading. I own a massive library and have many books that I have not had time to read previously.
  2. Self-improvement study for at least 60 minutes per day. This is separate from reading books. I have many workbooks and online courses available.
  3. Recite my mantra. My mantra is supposed to be recited 108 times in a row. This is an excellent meditation practice that I have fallen out of and will now get back into.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

The importance of a Theme Song

I have mentioned having a Theme Song, just like Ally McBeal. For those of you who have never thought about this before, it probably seems like a silly concept. It was practically ridiculed on the show. Yet, there is so much power in it.

Keane - Hopes & FearsA few months back, I put a different CD in my car (my current car only has 1 CD slot instead of 6). This means that I was no longer hearing my Theme Song every day. Instead, I was listening to Keane. Most of the songs on this particular album are sad and remind me of 2005/2006. Unpleasant memories.  While I love Keane and their music is truly beautiful, it certainly should not be considered Theme Song material. I was not intentionally replacing my Theme Song, yet I was now listening to this other CD everyday in it's place. 

Can you guess what happened? I started getting depressed. My motivation dwindled. Once I put my current theme song back on, within a day or two I was back to being my normal productive and happy self. Wow .Our music really is that powerful.

This got me to thinking... When I lived in Vegas and drank to excess, I was regularly listening to The Dresden Dolls.

The two songs, Girl Anachronism and My Alcoholic Friends, were daily aspects of my life. Every day, I listened to both of these before going to work and after returning home. For awhile, Girl Anachronism was even my ringtone! Unknowingly, I was priming myself to remain a mess.

I still like the music I used to listen to, but I rarely listen to it anymore. Living a happy life is my priority--not one filled with self-doubt, drama, and sadness. Just like we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with, music can shape our personality and mood.

If you have a daily ritual including a specific song, you already have a Theme Song. Now, think about it. What are the words? Do they align with the life you want to live and the person you want to be? What about the other music you listen to: is the general theme positive or negative? Seriously, you should analyze this.

What a Theme Song is:
  • Your personal motivational song which lifts you up and propels you toward your goals

What a Theme Song is NOT:
  • Your favorite song or any song which you like yet doesn't improve your mood AND motivate you

Choose wisely and watch your life blossom.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

12 steps ahead

You know how sometimes you make a difficult choice and that same day something happens to confirm it was the right decision? Well, that happened to me today.

This morning, I sent a long email to a family member detailing why I am ceasing communication. That person, whom I love, is self-destructive and destructive to others. It is through my own self-love that I have chosen to detach. I care very much about family so this was hard, but I refuse to be abused by anyone--family included.

Receiving the email below 12 hours after I pressed "Send" proves that my decision was healthy and appropriate:

Today's thought from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time out and it's okay to go back as a different person.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I am alive

Someone recently started a rumor that I died. I do not know who did this. Could be a coincidence, yet seems more sinister. The link which was used as supporting proof had an image (she looks a LOT like me) with a second hidden file embedded inside. All very strange...

For those who believed it because they didn't enter in TrixieRacer.com into their URL bar to see for themselves,  please do not be sheep. If you believe whatever you are told without verifying (as in this instance), imagine where else in life people are lying to you and taking advantage of your gullibility.

This is my 17th public blog post since the date it is rumored I died. For those who follow me on Twitter, I have tweeted at least a few hundred times since that date.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Gun Appreciation Day

If GUNS kill people, then PENCILS misspell words, CARS make people drive drunk, and SPOONS make people fat.

All of these tools can be used for positive or negative. The person wielding that tool is the one making the choice. Convict irresponsible people, don't villainize neutral tools.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

December 16th has been a repeating date for my life.

December 16th has been a repeating date for my life. Coincidentally, three of my most significant relationships all started on this day.

My plan for today was to stay home to avoid meeting people...but that isn't always possible.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Gluten-free sugar-free chocolate walnut brownies

Today I am sharing a recent recipe I invented with you: yummy sugar-free gluten-free brownies!
1 1/4 cup Pamela's Pancake Mix
3/4 cup water
1 egg
1/3 cup walnuts, pieces
1/2 avocado, diced
1 tablespoon melted coconut oil
2 tablespoons honey
3 tablespoons 100% cocoa powder, organic
1 squirt of vanilla (1-2 teaspoons?)

Combine all of the above ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Then, using more coconut oil in a frying pan, cook this mixture as pancakes. It yields 10 pancake brownies. 

As an alternative to frying as pancakes, you could probably cook this in the oven inside muffin tins. In that case, I would estimate 350 degrees for 20 minutes. FYI: I have not done this because I believe that making it on the stove-top with additional coconut oil adds to the sweetness.

* You might notice that the recipe calls for honey. Yes, this is a sweetener. It is the only added sweetener I have used and have only had 3 tablespoons total in the past 4 months. However, 1/5 of a tablespoon of honey for the end result to taste like a chocolate brownie is amazing!

Monday, November 9, 2015


Considering I used to eat cake for breakfast and at one point went on the Jack In The Box/Sonic diet to gain weight, it may seem ironic that I am posting about healthy eating. Since I have stopped eating sugar, my mind has gotten much more clear.

Now, I look around and see zombies everywhere. This is similar to when I quit doing drugs and was able to easily spot those who used. Except that this type of zombie is much more common and considered "normal" by today's dysfunctional standard.

The zombies I am referring to are the people who eat whatever they think tastes good without concern over whether it is really food (most convenience foods are "foodstuff" at best). Some of these people look fit and healthy, while many are out of shape or overweight. Appearing healthy does not mean one is healthy (I was an example of this). I also do not believe that overweight people want to be overweight, and might not even be overeating. Yet, the foods that are chosen keep the body starving for nutrients and prevent a homeostatic state. It's no wonder so many people are sick and/or on medication.

Recently, there was a study which showed that removing sugar can improve health in less than 2 weeks. I believe it and noticed an improvement myself. Will this new study change people's behavior? I doubt it. Sugar withdrawals are intense. I think it might take an extreme sickness for the average person to seriously attempt quitting. Throughout my life I have heard many people say that they would rather die a few years earlier (and they will) in order to enjoy what they eat...and sugar is easy, convenient, and tastes good. For what it's worth, U.S. sugar has been genetically modified for the past 10 years.

The foods of today are not the same as the foods your parents and grandparents grew up with. They had real food. Unless you go out of your way to purchase otherwise, you are eating genetically modified lab experiment food. There are no studies on GMOs' long-term affect on humans health and reproduction. However, there are numerous problems which have popped up since their introduction--new problems which lack explanation.

A decade ago, if someone would have suggested I become Paleo, there is no way I would have even been open to it. However, 5 years ago, I started transforming. First I removed corn and corn syrup from my diet. Then aspartame and monosodium glutamate. 3 years ago, I stopped eating lactose products. A year or two ago, I stopped eating gluten. This year, I quit sugar. I am so close to the Paleo diet now that I believe it will not be too difficult to accomplish.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

A woman who is a little

  Happy Halloween!! 

Throughout my life, Halloween, Christmas, and my birthday have always been my favorite holidays. In addition to that I love gifts and giving, all of these days have something in common--they are celebrations for children (and those with child-like personalities). 

Being that I have a child-like personality, Halloween is the perfect time to introduce the babygirl lifestyle kink to all my vanilla readers. 

First read this: http://daddys-doll.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-is-ddlg-dynamic.html. It will give you the full background on what the DD/lg or DD/bg dynamic is all about. You need to understand that first before you read what follows. 

I did not write the below article. I added the blogger's link for anyone who enjoys her writing style or is interested in this lifestyle so you can follow her directly. I am re-posting what she wrote because it perfectly sums up how I identify (before I receive any weird comments or emails, no I do not ageplay). A few men have seen my little girl side, although I only trusted one completely. And he carelessly broke me; she (the inner me) hasn't been out since. 

Originally posted on CinnamonAndSparkles:

Think you want a little girl?

So you are a Dom and you come across a sub who catches your interest. You find that she is also a little. You don’t know exactly what that means…But you’re interested, and so you find out.
At first you think it’s really cute. She likes Hello Kitty…teddy bears. No big deal. She likes sparkly things and gets excited about simple pleasures.
She likes to color pictures….says it makes her happy and relieves stress.
You love that when you are with her, she sees the world with the same excitement that a child has. She never outgrew that wonder. It makes you feel more joyful….You see life in a different way.
But you notice that she often interrupts you when you are talking….not because she means to…. not because she is on the same subject you are and wants to add to the discussion…. but because she saw a deer in the woods and excitedly wants to point it out to you.
Now it’s not so cute, but a bit annoying. She understands. She tries hard to be better, but it’s really hard….because that part of her is not big.
Life goes on and you grow closer… You thought you realized what a big responsibility it is being a Daddy Dom to a little, but you really didn’t.
A Dom has a lot of responsibility to their submissive. Being a Daddy Dom to a little has even more. A little is vulnerable in a way that you can never comprehend fully until you’re one, or with one who loves and trusts you.
You didn’t really want that much responsibility. You find it overwhelming and shut down. You don’t talk about it because you don’t want to hurt your little.
But she feels it. A little is a tuned in radar to their Daddy. They know instinctively when something is not right.
At night you play games and then turn away and go to sleep. She hugs her teddy bear tight to not feel so alone and scared.
You look over and see this, and it turns you off even more. You don’t understand this, as you used to find it sweet and endearing. You gave her the bears…. but now you ask her what she gets out of it.
She feels the message in the question. It stings. But she tells you that it’s like when you cuddle a puppy….that’s what she gets out of it.
She sees the glimmer of understanding in your eyes and hopes….it’s so hard to show people who you really are, and face being judged. She gave you everything that she is. Please don’t judge her harshly.
And then the day comes where you have a fight and you tell her that your place is not going to be filled with sparkles and polka dots. Her mind wonders where the polka dots came from? But it hurts. He thinks you’re silly and stupid and have no taste. At least that’s what her heart hears.
Then you call her a child. And not in a good way. She’s angry…. but the anger comes from hurt. She knows that she is childlike….but she thought you knew what an amazing woman and sexual being she is also. But you don’t.
You saw her as amusing. Something that made you feel good, because that is something littles are great at…..But, you wanted easy.
Real life shows up for everybody. Sometimes real life for littles ( ok not sometimes….most of the time ) is scary. When she is scared, she turns to you. She shows you all of her vulnerability….Her fears… Her tears….
You feel even more overwhelmed…. you feel responsible for her well being. In a way you are. But mostly she just needs you to be there. To hold her hand, and make her feel safe.
She has taken care of herself for a long time. She has had to be big…to be strong. But she trusted you enough to let down that shield, and believed you when you said you would always take care of her.
She knows that she is a lot. She knows that she is needy. She tries hard to be less little.
She wonders how all the things that you said you loved about her in the beginning, are the things that cause you to not want to touch her now.
She has always thought she was too much. She always felt different. She has been told that the things she loves are for kids and she should just grow up.
When you call her a child, or tell her that she can’t be a parental figure to your children because she is a little…. it cuts right down to her core.
A little is very sensitive. They don’t have a thick skin, even if they pretend to the world that they do.
She will probably never forget your words.
She will do anything to make you happy. Turn herself inside out.
You cut her off sexually. You don’t touch her. You don’t let her please you.
You leave her alone more and more.
Want to see a little unravel? That’s the formula
Want to keep your little happy? Just love them. If you are ever a Daddy Dom lucky enough to have a little who wants to be yours, hold on and don’t let go.
Don’t just read some blogs and posts on Fet Life and think you’re ready and done. More than anything else, a relationship with a little is just that…. a relationship.
It takes work. Hard work and lots of it.
Like any relationship. So let me say that again. Hard work and lots of it.
The rewards are great.
But it’s not going to be a kinky romance novel every day of the week….. In fact, most of the time it won’t be. We live in the real world after all.
But those times that it is….
  • This is a composition of relationships, not just one. It’s food for thought for any Dom looking at a relationship with a little.
** I write as little/sub/female dealing with a male Daddy Dom as that is my personal perspective. These could and would also apply to other sexes and dynamics