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When you fail to follow your dreams, you cheat yourself out of being you.
Be proud of who you are and don't back down.
Be a winner at the game of life!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Once in a "blue moon"



Today is New Year's Eve 2009. There is also a blue moon in the sky. What have you referred to doing "once in a blue moon"? Are you doing that tonight? Why is it such a rarity? Think about your answer.


Tonight I will be at Big Al's again. Nobody knows yet, but I will be showing up with gifts for the staff. All adult related: dildos, penis pumps, lingerie, etc... Lol.. Hey--it's an adult business and this seems completely appropriate. *silly grin*

Bringing smiles to other people's faces is one of the great joys in life. :)


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

No longer sick

No longer sick and going back to work as of tonight. Come see me! :)

(I need a better cell phone camera)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sick

Unfortunately, after a few days of working I was exposed to the wrong person and am now sick. *sigh* For the past 20 hours I have been laying in bed with what I suspect is the flu: feeling disoriented, stuffy/runny nose, swollen eyes, sore throat, and body aches. To anyone looking for me, it will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday before I am healthy enough to go back to work again.

On the bright side, this gives me plenty of time to lay in bed and catch up on much-needed rest, reading, and blogging... :)

Friday, December 25, 2009

It is a "White Christmas" afterall!! :)

Growing up on the west coast, I've never experienced snow on Christmas before. It is beautiful! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Spending the holidays in Illinois

While in Peoria I can be found working at Big Al's. Come in and see me! It is a full-nude full-alcohol club open until 4am everyday. VIP starts at $400.
Picture of me taken tonight with camera phone


Weather.com had forecasted snow today but so far it's not looking likely. If it does, this year will be my first White Christmas. :)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Artlicle on narcissists

This article has been floating around for awhile. I have had several people request that I post this on my blog. So, here it is! :) If you click on the website link in the question below, there are many more articles. Very eye-opening, to say the least...


Do Narcissists Really Hate Women?
Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths
By: Dr. Sam Vaknin



Question:

I read somewhere in your web site that narcissists hate women. Nothing can be further from the truth, from my experience. All the narcissists in my life ADORED women, they were addicted to women, they worshipped women. My ex-husband couldn't live without women - many women.

Answer:

Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply (spouse or girlfriend). The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply.

Moreover, many narcissists tend to FRUSTRATE women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist the flirtatious and seductive behaviors of females and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancĂ©e/spouse (or boyfriend/etc. – male and female are interchangeable in my texts) as the "reason" why they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.

But this pertains only to cerebral narcissists - not to somatic narcissists and people who suffer from HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). These use their bodies, sexuality, and seduction/flirtation to extract narcissistic supply from others.

Some narcissists are raised by weak or inaccessible mothers and harsh, rigid, or sadistic fathers. They tend to bond with males in male settings (army, sports, police, bodybuilding, the Catholic Church) and to seek empathy, warmth, support, secure friendship, and love among their male peers. This macho bonding masks repressed and latent homosexual tendencies, the result of incestuous or simply pathologically excessive love towards the father (or father figure).

Terrified of these homosexual tendencies, these narcissists are besieged by feelings of guilt (towards their mothers with whom they compete for the father's affection) and inadequacy (they can never quite measure up to the father's standards). They become extreme and virulent misogynists. By hating women and defying them - they hate and defy life itself (women being the givers of life). They thus deny their effeminate self and exercise their self-destructive impulses.

Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere sources of SNS (secondary narcissistic supply). The woman's chores are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. In other words, the woman's chore is to bear witness to the narcissist's moments of glory and recount them to him when he is down.

Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women. Most of them are asexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform the aforementioned functions.

This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt (“how come I am dependent on this inferior woman”) and aggression directed at the woman. Hence the abuse. When primary Narcissistic Supply is available – when the narcissist is the center of attention - the woman in his life is hardly tolerated. The narcissist interacts with her minimally, as one reluctantly pays the premium on an insurance policy.

The narcissist does regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to be a source of narcissistic supply.

It is a status symbol, a proof of virility, and it allows him to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviors (allows him to be his narcissistic self through others, to transform others into tools at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification.

To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) is any kind of NS provided by people who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests – are all forms of Primary NS.

Secondary NS emanates from people who are in constant and repetitive touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.

The narcissist believes that being in love IS actually going through the motions and pretending. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.

He says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite."

Most male Narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and molded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension, mad at all women.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it revolves around four axes:

1. The Holy Whore
2. The Hunter Parasite
3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4. Uniqueness Roles


The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world).

This distinction resolves his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need her but..."). It also legitimizes his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It tallies well with the frequent idealization-devaluation cycles the narcissist subjects his women to. The idealized females are sexless, the devalued ones – "deserving" of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.

The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men and that this is almost a genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.

This is a small detail in a larger canvass of "pathologizing" others in order to control them. According to the narcissist’s scenario, once her prey is secured, the woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She absconds with the narcissist's sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put differently, she is a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck dry every man she finds and Tarantula-like decapitate them once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does (even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in the narcissist's life – humbling a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother). But he is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their sexuality.

Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by the narcissist as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also despises sex and is bored by it, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some of them set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.

Sadistically, narcissists tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually – and frustrate the significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention – the somatic narcissist penalizes through excess.

The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others that he IS special – in other words that he IS.

Having sex with women threatens the success of this quest because it is "bestial" and "common". There is nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women keep dragging the narcissist to their level, the level of the lowest common denominator of intimacy, sex and human emotions.

Anybody can love, copulate and breed, says the narcissist to himself. These emotions and activities d not set me apart and above others. And yet women seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist is led to believe that women are the continuation, by other means and in different guises, of his mother - this early robber of his uniqueness.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does get out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralyzing sight - the true face of the narcissist.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists are atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. The narcissist rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation wrought by their indifference.

Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissist’s social circle dwindles and then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some extent. A schizoid is not a misanthrope. He does not necessarily hate people - he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a nuisance to be minimized.

The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain narcissistic supply (from human beings) - and his fervent wish to be left alone. This wish is peppered with contempt and feelings of superiority.

There are fundamental conflicts between counter-dependence and contempt, neediness and devaluation, seeking and avoiding, turning on the charm to attract adulation and being consumed by wrathful reactions to even the most minuscule "provocations". These conflicts lead to rapid cycling between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.

Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering atmosphere is hardly conducive to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct. Relationships are hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches to a non-sexual co-habitation.

But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one hand of the equation. The other hand is his unfortunate female partner.

As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the Narcissist probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such an instant explanation does the subject great injustice.

Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional sustenance.

Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are they angry with their parents for crippling them so?

To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no way he can answer them. Narcissists never love. They do not know what is it that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the outside, love seems to them to be a risible pathology. They equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people (such as the very old, the sick, the poor, and the very young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to be comprised of all three. These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.

Narcissists are angry men - but not because they never experienced love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as powerful, awe inspiring and successful as they wish they were and, to their mind, deserve to be. Because their daydreams refuse so stubbornly to come true. Because they are their worst enemy. And because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they see adversaries plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and contemptuously ignored.

Many of them (the “borderline” narcissists) cannot conceive of a life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is the equivalent of dying. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect, they inject drama, or even danger, into their lives. This is the only way they feel alive.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to found a family.

Source: http://samvak.tripod.com/6.html

Friday, December 18, 2009

Rainbow

I have been wearing a hematite ring on my right ring finger for the past few months. It has survived everything, absorbing much bad energy. Yesterday I saw my energy worker. She said that ring has done its duty and it is time for me to respect it by burying it and gave me the proper herbs. She gave me a new ring-- a rainbow ring--which I am wearing on my left middle finger.

The fingers which we choose to wear rings are very significant and hold meaning.

Rings and the fingers they are worn on

Rings consist of jewelry items worn around the finger of a person for various purposes. The materials used to obtain these jewelry pieces are also various, ranging from wood, bone or plastic to glass, gemstones, precious metals or who knows what else. The materials used for fabrication may also be combined, a common combination being precious metals with a gemstone.

Rings consist of circles. In every culture around the world the circle symbolizes unity, eternity, power or any other significance that can be drawn from its perfect shape. Each culture has its own variations of this perfect circle worn around a finger.

Magic and myth is also associated with these jewelry items. They were believed to be related to the sun, moon and gods, thus giving this small item the power to protect the one who wears it. Those ancient beliefs are the ones that still influence the way we wear the rings today.


Since you have two hands, it is also very important on which hand you wear a ring. Each hand is believed to be a level of one's mind. For instance the left hand is a representation of one's subconscious, which consists of beliefs, attitude and instinct. The right hand, a reflection of the conscious state of mind, also depicts the logic and awareness of the things around us.

The significance of each hand is also very important when it comes to wearing a ring. If one should choose to wear a ring on the left hand, they wish to enhance the powers of the finger on which the ring is worn. If the choice would be the right hand, then the wearer desires to control life and the actions within it.


This brings us to the fingers and their significance when a ring is worn. First of all the one with the greatest importance, the thumb an independent finger that works together with all the others in order to grant us our freedom. This is a symbol of will power, freedom and independence of action and thoughts, something that defines us as humans.

The index finger, the one next to the thumb is also very important. This is a great example of power and authority, something that can be seen throughout history. Wearing a ring on this finger is something associated with ambition and leadership.

At the center of one's hand is the middle finger. This is mainly associated with the role we play in our entire life. It symbolizes our identity and the things central in our world. Whoever wears rings on this finger is usually very balanced, but seeks to be in the center of attention.

The fourth finger, the one commonly known as the ring finger, has a very special significance because this is the one with the direct connection to one's heart. Rings worn on this finger are a great symbol of creativity and knowing your artistic side that rests within you.

The little finger, the smallest of them all, is the link a person has with the outside world. This is the one that symbolizes our relationships with the people around us. When one wears rings on this finger they show great confidence and independence on all relationships.

Source: http://afgen.com/ring_fingers.html

Monday, December 14, 2009

Today is my birthday and it is foggy outside!

What a wonderful start for today! Fog is my favorite weather!! :)

I was hoping to be in Illinois for my birthday but I am still in Atlanta. Everything happens for a reason and as it should. I came to Atlanta to sort through all my stuff. Tonight marks the 11th day in this motel room and I have accomplished a lot. Just like I did with Vegas, I am not leaving until I am done. There is no better birthday present to give myself than putting my life in order.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The last 6 months of 2009 predicted for Sagittarius

July/August 2009 Forecast

Almanac

We have two Full Moon eclipses, as well as a Solar or New Moon Eclipse during July and August. The Lunar Eclipse on July 7 and August 5 are partial, thus less intense, while the Solar Eclipse is total and the most powerful of the three. The Solar Eclipse falls on July 21 and perfects a few hours after Venus squares Saturn. This should bring to a head any matters of the heart that we may be wrestling with now. Saturn tests the reality of what is actually valuable to us, and based on this we take a course of action or thinking that produces certain results in seven years.

Specifically Mercury and Venus are in aspect to Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Chiron. You have heard that expression "everything lined up correctly". Well this is a lot lining up, so whatever you are expecting is amplified, especially if you have planets at a 24-27 degrees of any sign. So you may as well expect something good if you are going to get a lot of it.

July 7, 9, 11 are potent opportunity days. The last week of July is also powerful for attracting what you want and for communications in general.

On August 10 pay close attention to messages to slow down. The speed picks up rapidly by August 13 and 14, when opportunities are everywhere. The Leo New Moon on August 20 features multiple oppositions and inconjunctions. Oppositions challenge us to include ourselves and others equally in our considerations, while inconjuncts require internal adjustments, inflexibility may result in discomfort or dis-ease. Good reason to take up yoga or any kind of moving and stretching!

Sagittarius
You are being stripped down of your ego, or at least of the parts that need to be released. This process will start easing up in August, or maybe you are denying the whole thing, something both Jupiter and Neptune are both well known for. Right now these planets are conjunct so assume you are in the thick of it.




September/October 2009 Forecast

Almanac

September is an action packed month, with the third in a series of five Saturn/Uranus aspects, Mercury retrograde for most of the month, and Pluto direct. The Pisces Full Moon on September on September 4 should be potent for processing new directions and getting over fears. Mercury stations retrograde on September 6 in Libra and goes direct again on September 29, having moved back into Virgo where discrimination is so important. Pluto goes direct on the 11th, same day as Venus opposes Jupiter, highlighting the difference between a good thing and too much of a good thing.

Saturn exactly opposes Uranus on September 15, the forces for stability/fear and change/chaos are most polarized, but we are getting better or more conscious of this. Lots of tight aspects, this is a call for responsibility as a change is taking place. The Sun enters Libra on the 22nd, the Autumn Equinox and the growth of Darkness.

The biggest shift in October is at the end of the month when Saturn enters Libra for the first time in 29 years. Saturn changes every sign every two and a half years, and shows where are biggest tests are, the restructuring work that needs to be done. We have completed the Virgo test, restructuring the area of your life where Virgo falls. If you have personal planets in Virgo you may feel you have been well tested these last few years, or maybe being more focused and productive. Now Libra, the area of partnering, is being tested.

The Aries or Harvest Full Moon falls on October 3. Stay grounded and flexible. Venus conjunct Saturn on the 13th starts a new cycle of testing relationships and value of what you have magnetized to yourself. Jupiter offers a powerful sense of expansion all month. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 22, time to commit and deepen partnerships.

Sagittarius
Choose September 11 to deal with anything Venus related in your life; relationships, girlfriends, money, art. October is much more of an active month for you. You shine on October 10, you are brilliant and communicative on the 20th and you are the main attraction on the 28th. Mercury retrograde during September through your houses of friends and career may produce a change or two.




November/December 2009 Forecast

Almanac

The Taurus Full Moon on November 2 is a time of decisions and intense activity, despite Taurus' normal reputation for relative calm. Neptune stations and assumes direct motion on the 4th, holding 23 degrees Aquarius for ten weeks, thus activating any planet around 23 degrees of any sign, but especially Aquarius. Starting December 2, we have three weeks without any retrograde planets, the only time this entire year that all major planets are direct and full steam ahead. Watch things that have been building up momentum fall into place now. The Scorpio New Moon on the 16th occurs along with the 1st of 3 exact Saturn square Pluto aspects. This emphasizes the Scorpionic releasing and rebirthing theme for this next month. This is a third quarter square aspect; a crisis in consciousness or a reorienting of our thinking patterns. At the very beginning of the cardinal signs of Capricorn and Libra suggests many changes taking place, a new chapter beginning globally.

In December we have 2 Full Moons as well as a New Moon, the second Full Moon is also a Lunar Eclipse on the 31st. The Gemini Full Moon December 1 coincides with Uranus assuming direct motion, this time 22 Pisces is the degree activated by Uranus during November and December. Any of your birth planets at 22 degrees of any sign will be activated by unpredictable Uranus for two months, a potent situation. The Sagittarius New Moon on December 16 aspects the Neptune, Jupiter, Chiron triple conjunction, very inspiring, things fall into place, especially with Mars trine Venus the day after. On the day before the winter solstice and the entry of the Sun into Capricorn on December 21, Mars stations to go retrograde the least often, holding 19 degrees Leo for two weeks. Mars go retrograde the least often; in Leo, we are recreating our sense of purpose. Mercury goes retrograde December 26 in Capricorn, rethink your responsibilities. The Cancer Full Moon and Partial Lunar Eclipse New Years Eve puts the emphasis on trying out new ways of doing things.


Sagitarrius
Mercury in Sagittarius mid-November signals it is time to bring your vision down to workable pieces of data that is understandable for everyone. Frustration on November 8th leads to success by November 29th. In December the 14th, 20th, 21st are key days. There are paradigm shifts for you by mid-January; also your resources are being reshuffled through March 2010.