Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.
The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.
The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:
- I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty.
- While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
- He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.
In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.
My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.
Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.
1 comment:
This post is so interesting, and I love how it challenges the institutional standard of what love should look like. I love this!
Back in Nigeria, I remember being told about how some people marry. The man and the woman get married and live together. Once the wife gets older, the man takes a second wife who is usually younger. Instead of divorcing the first wife, she becomes like the head of the house and serves as a mentor to her children and the second wife. They all live together under one roof and provide for each other's needs. I remember thinking, "Wow, this is so much better than divorce. Most places in America would have a man put in jail for this, but why? How can a country with a 43% divorce rate dictate how love should be shown?"
I really enjoyed this post, and any post that shows me something new that I didn't know before. Good stuff, Trix...
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