Morphing from selfish to selfless

Selfishness is common. Many people won't help others unless they get a direct benefit. Even a large percentage of those who believe they are different will often still tell people about their good deeds (and, thereby, receive recognition). It took me a long time to understand that this is an extension of selfishness under a selfless pretense.


(Watching this video brings tears to my eyes.)


 True selflessness is helping other people just because, not bragging about it, and not expecting anything in return except the opportunity to help another. Living life this way is extremely rewarding. While is true that there are some people who will take advantage of another's generosity, there are also people for whom your generosity might change that person's life for the better. What an incredible opportunity! Something that is small to you might be significant for someone else.

The next time you see someone who needs help, help! Random acts of kindness restore faith in humanity. Start by committing to one random act of kindness per week. When you are ready, build up to at least once per day. I derive more joy from helping others than I get from whatever else I could be doing with that time or money. That might sound crazy to someone who is new to to this concept. This lifestyle is addictive--in a good way! Now get out there and make a difference!

Have the money but no time? Or time but no money? No problem. Here are a few organizations whose overhead is so low that you can be assured your money or donated time goes to help those who need it instead of inflating corporate salaries:

• International Rescue Committee: http://www.rescue.org/how-you-can-help  (not religious)
• Cross International: http://www.crossinternational.org/projects   (Christian-based)
• GLIDE (Spiritual-based, makes a powerful impact in the San Francisco community)

My Poly Past

Most jealousy is a direct result of insecurities from a lack of intimate discussions, honesty, and respect. I am not jealous at all, nor would I date someone who is. When everyone is honest, respectful, and considerate of each other's' feelings, there is no place for jealousy. Re-read that last sentence, those three traits are mandatory.

Few people know that, back in 2004 and 2005, I was actively polyamorous. My Primary and I had been dating since 2001, but our sex life was close to non-existent. We were on the verge of breaking up over this. After much discussion, we mutually decided that--in order to save our relationship--I should take on a second boyfriend.

The man I chose to be my Second was a millionaire I knew from work. He didn't live in the same state, which made it even more perfect because there was no risk of other people knowing and that embarrassing either of them. I didn't date him for financial reasons; I truly liked him...a lot. Both men knew about the other. I was honest at all times.

The Second wanted me to leave my Primary and move in with him. He was one of the DotCom MegaMillionaires, yet I said "No" every time he asked. Friends thought I was nuts! There were three main reasons I didn't:

1. I believe in loyalty, and dumping one man for another is the opposite of loyalty. 
2. While we both enjoyed partying, he self-medicated to a scary extreme.
3. He had a vasectomy and I knew I wanted to be a mother someday.

In October 2005, my Second died. Coincidentally, I had said "I love you" to him for the first time less than 12 hours earlier. He was young, only 47, and such an incredibly good person. He was brilliant, yet still had his childish innocence. The world lost someone very unique and special with his death. I broke up with my Primary a week later.

My entire life I have considered myself poly, although this was the only time I have ever had two serious relationships which included sex. Generally the way my poly surfaces is with one serious monogamous relationship and then several friends whom I love--yet am not physical with--who satisfy emotional needs. Even when sex isn't involved, most people consider emotional attachments to others cheating. Granting and accepting permission to engage in multiple emotionally committed relationships (including love) are poly traits. Swinging is not poly because it is sex-based instead of emotion-based. Cheating is not poly because it lacks full disclosure, respect, and honesty.

Want to learn more about what it means to be poly? This will give you a good introduction: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html. If you remain interested, I'd highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut.