At the beginning of this year, the pastor at my church said to look at 2020 with mindful observant eyes and have 20-20 vision in all aspects of our lives. I took that to heart and have been working on myself and my life since then. I reevaluated what is important and am keeping that which adds to my life and am discarding everything that does not, I am studying new occupational skills, I tend to my garden, and I have eliminated friends whose actions and/or lack thereof have shown they are not really friends. I have healed my body and mind. Maybe now with my new set of eyes, 2020 will be the year that I find my partner.
In 2015, I came up with an excellent pro/con list. It still applies:
NON-NEGOTIABLE MUSTS: Completely honest with me, genius intelligence, respects me, trustworthy, ambitious, generous, ethical, makes eating organic/non-GMO a priority, good in bed, prepared to commit, communicates, kind, healthy, father figure, patience, authentic, emotional/physical/financial support, likes to travel, apologizes, emotionally healthy, compassionate, acts like a man and treats me as a lady, loyal, helps me succeed, shows that he values our time together, teaches me, gentleman, wants an immediate family, understands that love is a verb and not give up after the spark fades, compatible parenting views (mindfully parent according to the Positive Discipline model).
WOULD BE NICE--but not required: Athletic, speaks more than one language, high sex drive, spiritual, wealthy (well, this would be nice, lol), similar political beliefs, worldly, ex-pat mentality, computer geek, at least 10 years older than me, romantic, monogamous, can build and repair things.
ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKERS: Lies, abusive, passive-aggressive, undependable, refuses to admit when he's wrong or when he doesn't know something, doesn't take responsibility, antagonistic teaser, alcoholic or drug addict, scares me, invades my privacy, cheap, uses denial-of-relationship-sex as a weapon, vindictive, television junkie, smokes cigarettes, thrives with drama, stalkerish.
The two most intense relationships of my life started off perfect. Whirlwind romances! Yet, with time, many items from the dealbreaker list surfaced. It is as if they pretended as long as they could and then their mask dropped. I can not allow any of these dealbreakers to occur. No excuses, no exceptions. Each one must be a concrete relationship ender. I am worthy.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Accepting reality
Only my closest friends know this about me. For years, I self-medicated to cope with my shame and eventually healed my wounds through extensive therapy. Maybe telling what happened to me will empower a female reader change her life. We are all worthy of love and happiness. Real love and happiness is not entangled with shame, pain, nor being controlled.
My story is not uncommon. For many years, I had a "boyfriend pimp" although I did not realize at the time that was what he was. I guess this is why there are a few levels of pimping laws: both with and without physical force. Manipulation is the most common form of pimping, and many more women are pimped by being emotionally and psychologically manipulated than are through being physically threatened or forced. Women are usually blamed for their actions and rarely are the men behind them prosecuted. Many of these women truly believe that it is their fault that this happened to them and never pursue any kind of legal shelter, even if offered. When people think of pimps, they usually imagine only streetwalkers instead of strippers or high-end call girls. Anyone who is being forced or manipulated into adult industry work is being pimped by someone--and that someone is often the boyfriend..
I stripped part-time before meeting that man. However, I was independent, all of my money went to me, and I would not do anything I was uncomfortable with. I had self-respect. After we started dating, he changed my "stage name", told me what to say at work, how to act, what to do, and even moved me to a different state to maximize my earning potential. I believed that these were acts of love.
I made a lot of money (at times up to $50,000/month) yet rarely had money. When that ex and I broke up, I had nothing. He took almost everything while we were together, kept me stoned so I wouldn't notice or question it (I was sober before we got together), and stole my cash when he left. He messed with my mental health, invaded my privacy, and encouraged me to do things to keep me off balance and hurt my self-esteem worse. He taught me that my appearance and sexuality was my value.
Clearly I am leaving much out of this story. However, after much therapy and admitting to what I experienced, I have healed a deep hurt that I have carried for a very long time. All of my negative coping techniques were all related to the inner shame I felt from keeping this secret for so long. Yes, I participated in what happened. Not because I wanted to, but because I was manipulated into it...and that is what hurt the most. The first several times I said out loud what had happened, I could barely speak because I was crying so much.
That man continued to victimize me, even years later. However, now I am a strong woman, sober, and mentally stable. I no longer self-harm because there is no need; that shameful secret is no longer inside. I do not deserve punishment. After the last abuse, I took legal action to protect myself and I will never allow him nor any other man to bully or force me to do anything that I don't want to do ever again. By admitting and accepting the reality of what I lived through, I have been able to forgive myself, forgive my abuser, and move on with a healthy self-respect.
My story is not uncommon. For many years, I had a "boyfriend pimp" although I did not realize at the time that was what he was. I guess this is why there are a few levels of pimping laws: both with and without physical force. Manipulation is the most common form of pimping, and many more women are pimped by being emotionally and psychologically manipulated than are through being physically threatened or forced. Women are usually blamed for their actions and rarely are the men behind them prosecuted. Many of these women truly believe that it is their fault that this happened to them and never pursue any kind of legal shelter, even if offered. When people think of pimps, they usually imagine only streetwalkers instead of strippers or high-end call girls. Anyone who is being forced or manipulated into adult industry work is being pimped by someone--and that someone is often the boyfriend..
I stripped part-time before meeting that man. However, I was independent, all of my money went to me, and I would not do anything I was uncomfortable with. I had self-respect. After we started dating, he changed my "stage name", told me what to say at work, how to act, what to do, and even moved me to a different state to maximize my earning potential. I believed that these were acts of love.
I made a lot of money (at times up to $50,000/month) yet rarely had money. When that ex and I broke up, I had nothing. He took almost everything while we were together, kept me stoned so I wouldn't notice or question it (I was sober before we got together), and stole my cash when he left. He messed with my mental health, invaded my privacy, and encouraged me to do things to keep me off balance and hurt my self-esteem worse. He taught me that my appearance and sexuality was my value.
Clearly I am leaving much out of this story. However, after much therapy and admitting to what I experienced, I have healed a deep hurt that I have carried for a very long time. All of my negative coping techniques were all related to the inner shame I felt from keeping this secret for so long. Yes, I participated in what happened. Not because I wanted to, but because I was manipulated into it...and that is what hurt the most. The first several times I said out loud what had happened, I could barely speak because I was crying so much.
That man continued to victimize me, even years later. However, now I am a strong woman, sober, and mentally stable. I no longer self-harm because there is no need; that shameful secret is no longer inside. I do not deserve punishment. After the last abuse, I took legal action to protect myself and I will never allow him nor any other man to bully or force me to do anything that I don't want to do ever again. By admitting and accepting the reality of what I lived through, I have been able to forgive myself, forgive my abuser, and move on with a healthy self-respect.