Only my closest friends know this about me. For years, I self-medicated to cope with my shame and eventually healed my wounds through extensive therapy. Maybe telling what happened to me will empower a female reader change her life. We are all worthy of love and happiness. Real love and happiness is not entangled with shame, pain, nor being controlled.
My story is not uncommon. For many years, I had a "boyfriend pimp" although I did not realize at the time that was what he was. I guess this is why there are a few levels of pimping laws: both with and without physical force. Manipulation is the most common form of pimping, and many more women are pimped by being emotionally and psychologically manipulated than are through being physically threatened or forced. Women are usually blamed for their actions and rarely are the men behind them prosecuted. Many of these women truly believe that it is their fault that this happened to them and never pursue any kind of legal shelter, even if offered. When people think of pimps, they usually imagine only streetwalkers instead of strippers or high-end call girls. Anyone who is being forced or manipulated into adult industry work is being pimped by someone--and that someone is often the boyfriend..
I stripped part-time before meeting that man. However, I was independent, all of my money went to me, and I would not do anything I was uncomfortable with. I had self-respect. After we started dating, he changed my "stage name", told me what to say at work, how to act, what to do, and even moved me to a different state to maximize my earning potential. I believed that these were acts of love.
I made a lot of money (at times up to $50,000/month) yet rarely had money. When that ex and I broke up, I had nothing. He took almost everything while we were together, kept me stoned so I wouldn't notice or question it (I was sober before we got together), and stole my cash when he left. He messed with my mental health, invaded my privacy, and encouraged me to do things to keep me off balance and hurt my self-esteem worse. He taught me that my appearance and sexuality was my value.
Clearly I am leaving much out of this story. However, after much therapy and admitting to what I experienced, I have healed a deep hurt that I have carried for a very long time. All of my negative coping techniques were all related to the inner shame I felt from keeping this secret for so long. Yes, I participated in what happened. Not because I wanted to, but because I was manipulated into it...and that is what hurt the most. The first several times I said out loud what had happened, I could barely speak because I was crying so much.
That man continued to victimize me, even years later. However, now I am a strong woman, sober, and mentally stable. I no longer self-harm because there is no need; that shameful secret is no longer inside. I do not deserve punishment. After the last abuse, I took legal action to protect myself and I will never allow him nor any other man to bully or force me to do anything that I don't want to do ever again. By admitting and accepting the reality of what I lived through, I have been able to forgive myself, forgive my abuser, and move on with a healthy self-respect.