When I met my ex (I'll call him Mr. Racer for this article), I was a college senior, serious about school, and had many more years of education planned. I also had a great job. After I started dating Mr. Racer, I pretty much stopped going to school completely and focused on adultwork. It hadn't occurred to me until now how much he played a role in that.
My last semester at University was a few months after Mr. Racer moved in. He did not like me being at school. He said the amount of stress that I experienced during school and with deadlines was too much for him. He encouraged me to ask for a raise at my marketing job and helped me with Adult business. He is the one who invented Trixie Racer and eventually suggested we move to Las Vegas so I could strip full-time. Since he couldn't qualify to purchase a condo there, I bought one in my name. We broke up at the end of 2005--and I was stuck having paid top dollar for a condo in a collapsing city.
We didn't talk for 4 years. During that time, I went back to school, took computer classes, and received certifications for A+, Network+, and Security+. After Mr. Racer and I started living together again, I told him it was important for me to keep my certifications current, but he would not allow me study time. He also knew that I wanted to go back to school as soon as I was legally considered a resident of the state we were in for tuition purposes. The first semester I would have qualified for was this semester: Spring 2014.
I'm not sure if it was because of my love for him, or not wanting to believe that our relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't occur to me until recently that Mr. Racer basically sabotaged my education. Obviously I must take responsibility in this too--since I allowed him. Even though I am a strong woman, I have a submissive side which naively trusted that his intentions were pure. From this sad realization, I also know now--without a doubt--that Mr. Racer never actually loved me. Love is encouraging and helping the person you love to succeed and achieve to be the very best they can, even if it means that their improved self won't want you in his/her life anymore. Love is totally selfless. He didn't do that at all. He discouraged me from growing into who I naturally am and molded me into what he wanted me to be.
I won't say that I never enjoyed stripping. Some times it was really fun and I met a lot of great people. At the same time, doing that for work never gave me the same satisfaction as college or my marketing job. I love to learn and use my brain. By working in Vegas strip clubs, I basically had the same, simple, monotonous conversations with drunk men every night. I was no longer valued for my brain; only for my body and my ability to move it. I can't even imagine where I would be today if I had dated somebody who had supported my going to school. :(
In the near future, I will be re-entering college. This time around I know that if anyone tries to stop me it will be for their own selfish reasons--and not in my best interest. That applies to all forms of improvement. When someone doesn't support you improving, it means they prefer you to be stagnant or regress; either way, it's a sure red flag and you should run.
6 comments:
Best post I've read all year... obviously I'm no expert in relationships, but I see so many times how someone is afraid that their spouse will outshine them by bettering themselves, so they use that love as a lasso to pull them back. The concept of true love usually means that two people are fanatic about each other's happiness, even if it means they can be together anymore. Kelly wanted to do a modeling gig in France, but Zack tried to stop her because he was afraid she'd meet someone new. Saved by the Bell. This is where I get my knowledge from. For shame...
I remember going to strip clubs and absolutely hating them and seeing them as a waste of time. I'd look around and see women acting as fake as possible and pretend to like these guys like and it just depressed me. Maybe being raised by a feminist had something to do with my following thoughts, but I always thought how amazing it would be if the girls used the ridiculous amounts of money they made towards something substantial. i remember one guy I knew saying, "Strippers would rule the world if they had their goddamned heads on straight!"
Whatever you go back to school, I hope it makes you money and puts you in a position of power and satisfaction... it's really the only reason to go back. Being attractive and smart for a woman in America basically means there's no limit to your success. I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but from the words I've read on your blog there's... there seems to be a lot more to you than a body and a face, and adding a degree to your resume would make you almost invincible. It would seem that only thing that can stop you now is you. Great post Trix...
P.S.: 2014 seems to be my year to get rid of all the things and people that're slowing my progress, so I can relate to the last line of your post. And... I have fond memories of Ally McBeal... from the dancing baby to the Billy Girls to that Barry White Biscuit dance that I still have saved on my phone. Good stuff...
Thanks for the comment, Roger.
Almost nobody knows that I stripped for a week last year because Mr. Racer wanted me to. Atlanta is different than Vegas, so I ended up getting fired for not providing extras. He was disappointed in me and suggested I try another club. When I said no, he encouraged me to start smoking marijuana. In hindsight, he did that the first time we got together too (both times I was a non-smoker). It is now painfully clear that he was only ever concerned for himself and needed me to be "less than." :(
Mind me asking why is Mr Racer still influencing your decisions after years of being anti-supportive about your education?
As I said at the beginning of my post, I didn't realize how off track he had taken me until just recently. He influenced my decisions from 2002-2005 and starting again in Summer 2010. My believe system is slightly old-fashioned in that I believe the man should take the lead. In 2011, he converted me to the housewife role. While I enjoy caring of others and found it rewarding, I do wish he would've also allowed me to continue my education. I had a lot of savings when we got back together which he helped blow through (I know, stupid me), plus our relationship also put me in to severe debt. Even though we broke up 5 months ago, I have been so financially ruined that college was not possible for Spring. I am now looking to sell off my remaining assets to get back on my feet.
Anyone want to buy a car? :-p
http://trixieracerblog.blogspot.com/2013/12/selling-es300-lexus-loaded-with-adult.html
Or an investment property?
Outstanding piece. I always saw you for your brains, not your body. Men love big brains and don't let anyone fool you: size matters.
BTW: going to Dublin tomorrow. First time. Very excited.
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