He said she was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen, but everyone told him not to waste his time. In turn, she didn't give him the time of day ... until one day.
My granddaddy was driving the mule truck when she crossed the street in front of him. Instead of stopping for her, he hit the gas and stopped mere inches from hitting her.
That's when she spoke to him for the first time, although what she said wasn't very ladylike. But he just grinned.
When she asked what he thought was so damn funny, he just smiled some more and said, "I got you to talk to me."
Behaviors, like the grandfather's above, need to be acknowledged for what they are: unhealthy. Unfortunately, some people don't see the harm and sometimes even find it cute. That boggles my mind.
I posted a simple comment saying it is sad that some people get attracted by being treated poorly--and how that is psychotic. The blog owner was offended and deleted my comment.
The phrase "Nice Guys Finish Last" exists because with tons of women it is true. They ignore the nice man who treats them with respect, instead falling for a jerk or "asshole" guy who doesn't treat them well (usually from the get-go). This happens so often that I've witnessed men who started off as nice guys become assholes because they were tired of losing out...and, sadly, they get more women. In the case above, the grandfather couldn't get the woman's attention until he put her safety at risk.
Assholes bait women with excitement, shock, fear, and/or drama. A common technique is to dish out back-handed compliments as part of the courting ritual. More women appear turned-on by these behaviors than turned-off. When it takes negative behaviors to snare a mate, additional negative behaviors are likely to escalate over time.
The more dysfunction you live with, the more normal it seems. Unconsciously people seek it out, getting into one unhealthy relationship after another. This also explains why women stay with bad men; toxicity is addictive and often interpreted as a "spark" or "chemistry". It is difficult to understand any other kind of life.
Several years ago I underwent training and certification for domestic violence and sexual assault counseling. Abuse comes in many forms. Physical abuse is the easiest to spot, but mental, emotional, sexual, and financial can be just as harmful. When someone is mean and/or violent towards you and you remain part of that person's life, you reward and reinforce their negative behavior. And...your self-esteem suffers.
During my life, I've had healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. In hindsight, the unhealthy ones could've been spotted from the very beginning--and should've been. People need to respect each other, themselves included. After lots of therapy and self-reflection, I recognized that I was drawn to the excitement of drama and was able to break that cycle. Now, I would never consider dating an "asshole". Nice guys only. :)
Nice guys usually remain nice guys for many years before converting into assholes. Which is better? Depends on who you want to date and what her values are. Women who are attracted to the "Bad boy" or asshole type, usually take years of abuse before breaking their cycle. So, if you want to date young women, being an asshole is often more effective. *sigh* Supply and demand: the older a woman gets, the fewer nice guys are out there. So, for women 30+, being a nice guy totally pays off and women will appreciate you.
4 comments:
Blatantly copying and pasting from my blog is pathetic, and I will report you for it.
As I told you on my page, my grandparents did not have an abusive relationship. They had a loving, healthy relationship.
Now stay the hell away from my page and don't ever take it upon yourself to copy and paste from my posts again.
"Blatantly copying and pasting from my blog is pathetic, and I will report you for it." -- I included a very small excerpt from your blog (7 sentences) and even credited your blog with a link. Being a journalist, you know that this is ok. I didn't plagiarize or infringe on your copyright; I cited a source.
The majority of my post was not about you or your family. I purposely didn't include the any of details you posted about your grandfather's history either. I merely used the sentences I cited as as an example of an unhealthy courting technique and then went on to write an entire blog post about what is healthy and what is not--never again mentioning your blog.
As I pointed out in my post, I hold certification as a domestic violence and sexual assault counselor. This is a fascinating field. Most people do not understand the dynamics of abuse and all the different ways it can show up. And, unfortunately, a lot of women (especially those who are younger) are attracted to men who are aggressive and show abusive "red flag" qualities. My blog post addresses that issue and I won't apologize for it. You and I are both writers who have different opinions and choose to write about different things. When someone writes something I view offensive, I still understand and respect they have a First Amendment right to free speech.
You tell her Trixie ;-)
The first comment up there is a pretty sad commentary on where some people's heads are -- threatening your right to have an opinion and express it freely? Un-friggin-believable.
Now, for more important things . . . This was a very interesting read for me (a nice guy). Your musings on the phenomenon of women and assholes are insightful, and thanks for sharing it as you interpret it within the context of your own personal experience. I'm new to your blog, and appreciate your thoughtfulness and that you seek to share wisdom gained in your life. Keep it up.
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