Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Another blogger I follow recently publicly shared a story about how her grandparents started dating. Here is an small excerpt:

He said she was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen, but everyone told him not to waste his time. In turn, she didn't give him the time of day ... until one day.

My granddaddy was driving the mule truck when she crossed the street in front of him. Instead of stopping for her, he hit the gas and stopped mere inches from hitting her.

That's when she spoke to him for the first time, although what she said wasn't very ladylike. But he just grinned.

When she asked what he thought was so damn funny, he just smiled some more and said, "I got you to talk to me."

Behaviors, like the grandfather's above, need to be acknowledged for what they are: unhealthy. Unfortunately, some people don't see the harm and sometimes even find it cute. That boggles my mind.

I posted a simple comment saying it is sad that some people get attracted by being treated poorly--and how that is psychotic. The blog owner was offended and deleted my comment.

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The phrase "Nice Guys Finish Last" exists because with tons of women it is true. They ignore the nice man who treats them with respect, instead falling for a jerk or "asshole" guy who doesn't treat them well (usually from the get-go). This happens so often that I've witnessed men who started off as nice guys become assholes because they were tired of losing out...and, sadly, they get more women. In the case above, the grandfather couldn't get the woman's attention until he put her safety at risk.

Assholes bait women with excitement, shock, fear, and/or drama. A common technique is to dish out back-handed compliments as part of the courting ritual. More women appear turned-on by these behaviors than turned-off. When it takes negative behaviors to snare a mate, additional negative behaviors are likely to escalate over time.

The more dysfunction you live with, the more normal it seems. Unconsciously people seek it out, getting into one unhealthy relationship after another. This also explains why women stay with bad men; toxicity is addictive and often interpreted as a "spark" or "chemistry". It is difficult to understand any other kind of life.

Several years ago I underwent training and certification for domestic violence and sexual assault counseling. Abuse comes in many forms. Physical abuse is the easiest to spot, but mental, emotional, sexual, and financial can be just as harmful. When someone is mean and/or violent towards you and you remain part of that person's life, you reward and reinforce their negative behavior. And...your self-esteem suffers.

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During my life, I've had healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. In hindsight, the unhealthy ones could've been spotted from the very beginning--and should've been. People need to respect each other, themselves included. After lots of therapy and self-reflection, I recognized that I was drawn to the excitement of drama and was able to break that cycle. Now, I would never consider dating an "asshole". Nice guys only. :)

Nice guys usually remain nice guys for many years before converting into assholes. Which is better? Depends on who you want to date and what her values are. Women who are attracted to the "Bad boy" or asshole type, usually take years of abuse before breaking their cycle. So, if you want to date young women, being an asshole is often more effective. *sigh*     Supply and demand: the older a woman gets, the fewer nice guys are out there. So, for women 30+, being a nice guy totally pays off and women will appreciate you.

Masturbating Lent

My masturbation has spiraled out of control again. While I haven't been having unhealthy sex (over two years SA clean), this is such a slippery slope it must be addressed.
Some days I masturbate all day long, with naps mixed in. On "slow" days when I forgo during the day, I am unable to sleep at night until I get up, search the internet, and then take care of myself with a toy.

Luckily, I have an external excuse which can help me.
It is that time of the year again: Lent!

Start of Lent 2012 (Ash Wednesday) - Wednesday 22 February 2012.
End of Lent 2012 (Holy Saturday) - Saturday 7 April 2012

Last year was the first time I've ever given something up for Lent--and I made it 39 days without masturbating!   :)

I really love kittens, so this year I expect to make it all 40 days. I'm also going to try to quit cursing. Wish me luck!!

To my Valentine...

Happy Valentine's Day!!
Thank you for making today the happiest Valentine's Day that I've had in almost a decade.

Regrets

Don't become old with regrets. These are the most common:

1)  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2)  I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3)  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4)  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5)  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

If you can see yourself at risk for any of them, make changes now while you still can.

None of the above apply to me. :)       Not many people can say that. Seriously, I have very few regrets in life, and they are trivial. Don't misinterpret this to mean I haven't made mistakes; I certainly have. Life is a learning experience. However, I carefully weigh my choices in advance so that I don't regret them--even when the end result is undesirable.

My first real regret was not seeing the band, Snot, when I had the chance (shortly afterward, the singer died). Another regret was not loaning money to someone who was important to me. Nothing could be worse than regretting you weren't a better friend or partner, so I now give myself fully to situations/people I involve myself with.

When confronted with two choices, both tough, I think "Which would I regret NOT doing more, despite the outcome?" That's all I need to know to make my decision!   :)

My method requires deep self-knowledge and the ability to be completely honest with yourself. If that is too difficult for you, here is a another way:

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment with the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”